Sad about daughter

[surrealist247]

Sort of an offshoot of another post..I have a daughter. When I was pregnant and found out it was a girl I was secretly upset. Mothers and daughters just aren't close. I wasn't close to my mother at all. I didn't originally want a child at all (my husband thankfully talked me into it), but I knew with a boy I'd have a better chance of being able to be close to the little person as he grew up.

My daughter is three months old and already prefers her father. I kid you not.

Anyone else wish they could have a child of the a different gender than what they have, or feel put off by the gender of a child they have?

It hurts..

 

[surrealist247]

Also how did you feel if you tried for another baby and got the same gender?

Does anyone feel mean talking about this?

 

[minidom]

I have four beautiful daughters I am extremely proud of, and have fantastic relationships with 3 of the 4. But as babies all 3 of them were dad's girls from the moment he walked in the door. I was closest to our second daughter and although we have a good relationship it is less close than the other three. So please do not worry.

it may well be that she is picking up on some first time mummy stress. But hubbys comes home and is relaxed so she is more relaxed.

This was most obvious with my last child. She would be a crying unsettled bundle all day. Hubbys would walk in,drape her over one arm ( head in his hand legs dangling either side of his elbow. She would settle instantly. Even her big sisters noticed it. Yet I am so close to her now it is unbelievable that I spent my whole pregnancy loathing the thought of another child.

Wait and see and have faith in your mummy love!

 

[akmom]

I think you're starting with the wrong assumption, that mothers and daughters are never close. It's only one possible dynamic. I was closer to my dad than my mom too, but there were many reasons for that. None of them are factors in my own household. Figure out what the factors were for you, that kept you and your mom from relating or getting along, and keep them in mind when you interact with your daughter. What did you not get from her? What did she do to distance you? What did your father do that was different (if you were close to him)?

After three kids, I have found that none of their traits in infancy defined their personalities. I definitely worried about infant behaviors with my firstborn that I now realize were irrelevant in the long run. You will too. It's just part of being a first-time mom. My babies did prefer me, but it was because I supplied the milk. They preferred laying on and being held by their father, for the simple reason that he had a longer, flatter torso. Or maybe it was because he is warmer. Or like Minidom said... relaxed! None of which will matter when they can sit up on their own.

I have two girls and one boy. All children need love and affection, and thrive when they get it. I don't think gender has much to do with it. I also don't think it's "mean" to talk about it, if you have reservations about having a girl, or concerns about being close to your kids. It's worth thinking about and getting insights any time you have worries. As far as "trying for a boy," you really have to think of it as "trying for a baby," because of course that's all you can really do. And you'll know if you want a second child, when your first one is older. For me, it was about a year before I determined that.

 

[Ministrymama]

I did not want a girl and when I found out I was expecting one I was very upset. I had grown up a tomboy and detested femininity as I felt it was to vulnerable, to needy and to weak. (I now realize that type of thinking came from child abuse and have since dealt with that in therapy)
When my girl was born I had a few friends step in and "mother" my baby for me as I dealt with my feelings at that time. My DD is now 9 and one of the most precious people in my life. I already had a son and as much as I love him I can relate to a girl's way of thinking, we enjoy so much of the same things and I love sharing and learning femininity with her. I cannot imagine my life without my beautiful daughter but it took time and patience to learn.

 

[cerette]

Some mothers and daughters aren't close, and some mothers and daughters are close. There is no general rule like that. Please allow yourself and your precious baby to have a chance of growing close. Don't cut her off emotionally. She is YOUR child and I know know know that she LOVES and NEEDS YOU. Try to rejoice that she also loves her Dad and is happy with him. When my child was a baby she refused to be comforted by anyone but me--might sound charming but with the tiredness and lack of sleep it was very frustrating to "never" get a break.
Please let your guard down and allow yourself to embrace this baby of yours, to love her and appreciate her. She wants you to love her, and she loves you right back. She also loves her Dad and that is normal, that is not competition.
Good luck and my prayer is that you will truly enjoy this time (which will go all too quickly) with your baby, and then appreciate and enjoy her also as she grows older.

 

[Ministrymama]

May I suggest you also foster that relationship between father and daughter. It is a blessing for both of them and it does give you a break. I was fortunate enough to grow up with both parents in my home and loved both my Mom and Dad in different ways. My daughter adores her Dad and loves to do fun things with him but she also enjoys snuggling and playing and talking with me.

Might I also say the your dear daughter is very young and you are no doubt still exhausted. Give it time, allow yourself to grieve for the child you wished you had gotten then let him go and celebrate the one you did receive. Your honesty is refreshing and this is a great place to share your feelings.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Sort of an offshoot of another post..I have a daughter. When I was pregnant and found out it was a girl I was secretly upset. Mothers and daughters just aren't close. I wasn't close to my mother at all. I didn't originally want a child at all (my husband thankfully talked me into it), but I knew with a boy I'd have a better chance of being able to be close to the little person as he grew up.

My daughter is three months old and already prefers her father. I kid you not.

Anyone else wish they could have a child of the a different gender than what they have, or feel put off by the gender of a child they have?

It hurts..

If you practice the detachment parenting that you mentioned in another thread, well then there you go. That's why she prefers him.

As for mothers and daughters not being close, that's not anywhere close to being true. The reality is it depends on the kid, and infants (and toddlers, and kids, and tweens, and teens, etc) generally go through phases. Sometimes my DD is attached to me like crazy. Right now she's attached to DW like crazy. Sometimes she prefers both of us.

 

[surrealist247]

So many of you have been helpful. Ms. San Diego, you have not been. My husband does detachment parenting too. There's no difference between us.

 

[surrealist247]

Or more to the point, Imperial Phantom..so explain to me again why my baby prefers my husband, when we both do CIO and obviously neither of us breastfeeds..

 

[Hetta]

Sort of an offshoot of another post..I have a daughter. When I was pregnant and found out it was a girl I was secretly upset. Mothers and daughters just aren't close. I wasn't close to my mother at all. I didn't originally want a child at all (my husband thankfully talked me into it), but I knew with a boy I'd have a better chance of being able to be close to the little person as he grew up.

My daughter is three months old and already prefers her father. I kid you not.

Anyone else wish they could have a child of the a different gender than what they have, or feel put off by the gender of a child they have?

It hurts..

Have you ever heard of the self-fulling prophecy? Look it up.

I was very close to my mama. I was not close to my dad. Just because you weren't close to your mom, doesn't mean your daughter cannot be close to you and, omw, she's THREE MONTHS OLD.

It's up to you as the ADULT to get close to your daughter - not up to your THREE MONTH OLD daughter to be close to you.

 

[surrealist247]

Hi hetta.. thank you to Hetta and everyone for your suppotive replies. Hetta I do not expect my 3 month old daughter to do the work of the relationship at this point. I am just noticing a trend that she seems to be closer to her father already been to me. It is a very common thanks for girls to be more bonded to their fathers than they are to their mothers, although I understand that doesn't apply to everyone. But her father and I are on the same page with parenting and do all the same parenting practices, and I'm a stay at home mother with her so I spend lots of time interacting with her. I just don't think there's anything else I can do at this point.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

As for mothers and daughters not being close, that's not anywhere close to being true. The reality is it depends on the kid, and infants (and toddlers, and kids, and tweens, and teens, etc) generally go through phases. Sometimes my DD is attached to me like crazy. Right now she's attached to DW like crazy. Sometimes she prefers both of us.

Read it again Surrealist

 

[surrealist247]

I really hope it isn't true. I've seen it a lot, but I hope it is coincidence. Or that other factors are involved.

 

[ex-pat]

Have you considered that your husband is the "novelty" parent just now? She spends all day secure in your love, then Daddy comes home from work and WOW! There's ANOTHER person whose voice I remember from in the womb, and HE wants to play with me, too!! I think that's a lot of it, TBH...children, all of them, go in cycles as to which parent is preferred. It could even be as simple as one parent has darker hair than the other, which is easier for very young babies to look at. I'd not worry too much about it...she's going to swing the other way in a few months, and scream blue murder when you leave the room, even if she's with her father.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Are you really making a 3 month old CIO?

My heart hurts. Seriously. Even the most staunch supporters of CIO (something I strongly oppose) say not to do it before 3 months.

At 3 months your baby NEEDS you.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Oh and in the interest of full disclosure I am IP's wife. Our daughter is 3 and has been attached to us differently at different points of her life, right now, it's all about me.

But do you know why your child is not attached to you? BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT MEETING HER NEEDS.

Leaving a 3 month old to CIO is undeniably cruel. Your baby needs you and right now she is learning that she can not depend on you, do you really want that? Do you want your child to know that the person that she should be able to depend on most, her mother, is the person that is ignoring her needs? Seriously, look at the way you are reacting to her needs, and there you have your answer.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

My daughters are overwhelmingly "daddy's girls". They've been that way since birth! I'm close to them, but they are definitely daddy's princesses. The only problem with that is now they expect their boyfriends or husbands to treat them the same way (I won't say that daddy spoiled them but he has real problems saying no to them).

The baby is 3 MONTHS OLD!!! She isn't rejecting anyone. Maybe she's more comfortable with daddy because he's not all stressed out. Babies can pick up on stuff like that. It will change. I highly advise getting yourself into some counseling.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

Sort of an offshoot of another post..I have a daughter. When I was pregnant and found out it was a girl I was secretly upset. Mothers and daughters just aren't close. I wasn't close to my mother at all. I didn't originally want a child at all (my husband thankfully talked me into it), but I knew with a boy I'd have a better chance of being able to be close to the little person as he grew up.

My daughter is three months old and already prefers her father. I kid you not.

Anyone else wish they could have a child of the a different gender than what they have, or feel put off by the gender of a child they have?

It hurts..

I think you need therapy, to see why you have these feelings and how to get a normal attachment to your daughter. I think part of it, might be because you weren't bonded well with your mom.

But I knew some moms and daughters weren't close, but the daughters bonded well with their baby girls. Also your daughter might sense something wrong and maybe that's why she prefers the father. I'm very close to my mom, so daughters can be close to their mom.

 

[ALEA40]

I'm sorry but I'm still flabbergasted by the notion of detached parenting and CIO. It's the most foreign thing I've ever heard. I'm surrounded all the time by breastfeeding, baby wearing, bed-sharing, organic-feeding, homemade natural home and body products using, crunchy mommas. I've just never heard of DP. I want to be helpful to you though. I also dreamed for years of having a child of the opposite sex- other than what God chose for me. I've had names picked out for years. I had dreams of pink tutus, doll houses, figure skating lessons, etc., but God has seen fit that I am the mother of boys. Muddy shoes, stinky feet, wild, crazy, destructive, loving, sweet, adorable boys. I almost have to imagine that girls are probably the same It doesn't matter, boy or girl, they all need our love, affection, time, and energy. If Christ was with you in the room, would you do anything different? I like to think of that a lot. Everything I do, I do for Jesus Christ. I love the little people that he sends to me to parent, regardless of their gender.

Blessings to you and your beautiful new daughter!!!