Reverse Psychology

[Lena75]

Does anyone here practice reverse psychology on their kids?

 

[Jillian1527]

yep! it doesnt work on my 7 year old.. shes just to smart for it.. she knows my ways.
my 5 year old falls for it everytime.. poor lil girl... hee hee
-Jillian

 

[Reformationist]

Does anyone here practice reverse psychology on their kids?

My wife and I have done it in a context of playing but never as a parenting tool. When we want a kiss from our youngest (he's two) and he doesn't want to give us one we've said, "Okay, no more kisses from you. Nope. I don't want any." Of course, he then tries his hardest to kiss us. That's about the only way we would use it. I've seen parents use it to get their children to do what they want and I find it to be a very strange way of getting your children to do what you want. You're actually accomplishing what you want by teaching your children to disobey. Very strange. If I told my kids, "That's it. Don't clean your room. I bet you can't do it." they wouldn't do it because they know that I expect them to obey me.

Is that the type of reverse psychology you were referring to?

God bless

 

[HeatherJay]

I agree with Reformationist...we do it when we're playing around with them. Or if one of them is in a bad mood, we do it to get them smiling again (No, don't laugh...hey! don't laugh...nope, you're smiling...ya know, that type of thing). It's much better for everyone involved, I think, if you just teach your kids to obey when you tell them to do something...no other option.

 

[Reformationist]

I agree with Reformationist...we do it when we're playing around with them. Or if one of them is in a bad mood, we do it to get them smiling again (No, don't laugh...hey! don't laugh...nope, you're smiling...ya know, that type of thing). It's much better for everyone involved, I think, if you just teach your kids to obey when you tell them to do something...no other option.

Great post Heather, as usual.

God bless,
Don

 

[Andry]

By 'reverse psychology' I'll assume in the context of Psychology-light 101 in the cliches that we use them (my wife is a psych major), and not in the clinical sense.

I'm teaching my son to make choices, ie. his own choices. So in the instances I do use 'reverse psychology' (I don't do it all the time), such as when he says, 'I don't want to take a bath tonight,' I respond with, 'OK, don't take a bath, but let me explain to you what could happen...(not with threats or judgment)...your body will start to smell, you might get germs, you'll look awful...etc etc.'

So I give him another opportunity to make his choice, and in effect pull a 'Regis' .... 'Is that your final answer?'

Almost always he makes the correct choice, and this way he sees (I hope) making good choices are beneficial and that it was his own choice, not my will overpowering his into submission.

 

[desi]

Sometimes.

 

[Lena75]

I agree, it does help them to make the right choices. The bath example was perfect! We've already had to do that with our 6 year old. Like: eew! you're gonna stink in the morning! Yuck! Hubby and I actually first heard of it from a complete stranger. Before our oldest son was diagnosed with autism, he kept doing all these negative behaviours and would not stop. Oh yeah, we spanked, timed-out...you name it we did it. Finally, at a yard sale this lady saw us having problems with our son (then 3 or 4. now 8) she mentioned reverse psychology. We're like, well what's that? Just tell him to do what he's not supposed to do and see if it works. Well, it turns out it did work. Oh, we've never used it as a parenting tool. Just mainly as a distraction and a different way to approach things when all else seems to fail.

 

[Reformationist]

Just tell him to do what he's not supposed to do and see if it works.

Doing this, of course, is your perrogative but I caution you against it. This seems very confusing. What if your child does what he's not supposed to do because you told him to do it? How do you, then, correct his behavior? After all, you told him to do it. It sounds like you're justifying the ends by the means. How is your child supposed to differentiate between your attempts at reverse psychology and your attempts at direct parenting? What if you say, "Hey, don't play in the street" and he thinks, "They told me not to do something before when they wanted me to do it so maybe they want me to play in the street? Again, there seems to be no consistant approach to this.

Well, it turns out it did work.

Why do you believe it "worked?" Is it just because you got your child to do what you wanted and that means the method you used was the proper one? Sorry, I think you're way off base here. You're going to end up confusing your child. He's not going to know when you're using reverse psychology and when you're telling him what you really want him to do.

Oh, we've never used it as a parenting tool. Just mainly as a distraction and a different way to approach things when all else seems to fail.

I have three children so, believe me, I know how it feels when "all else seems to fail" but, again, we must ask ourselves if we're going to import all types of weird parenting techniques just because it causes our children to do what we want or are we going to take the time to teach them the proper response to our authority.

In my opinion you are setting them up for difficult times in the future. A teacher isn't going to use reverse psychology, nor is any other form of authority your child will encounter. They are going to lay out the rules and punish when those rules are broken. Is a cop ever going to tell someone, "Hey, go ahead and rob that bank" just to get them not to do it?

God bless

 

[Lena75]

Like I said, we do not use it as a training tool. Also, you seem to think that we would encourage our kids to do something stupid like rob a bank? As for playing in the street? What normal parent would let their kid do that? If that was supposed to be an example, you'll have to do better. And, I didn't explain what sort of behaviour it was. And, the reverse psychology did work at that time. He was 3 or 4 at the time and it did work. We've not done it for a long time. How come you like to pick apart what I say?

 

[HeatherJay]

By 'reverse psychology' I'll assume in the context of Psychology-light 101 in the cliches that we use them (my wife is a psych major), and not in the clinical sense.

I'm teaching my son to make choices, ie. his own choices. So in the instances I do use 'reverse psychology' (I don't do it all the time), such as when he says, 'I don't want to take a bath tonight,' I respond with, 'OK, don't take a bath, but let me explain to you what could happen...(not with threats or judgment)...your body will start to smell, you might get germs, you'll look awful...etc etc.'

So I give him another opportunity to make his choice, and in effect pull a 'Regis' .... 'Is that your final answer?'

Almost always he makes the correct choice, and this way he sees (I hope) making good choices are beneficial and that it was his own choice, not my will overpowering his into submission.

I can see the merit in this suggestion, and we do the same thing sometimes...only without leaving open the option of not doing it, lol. Let me explain (since that was a really confusing sentence ). If it's time to take a bath and they don't want to then the conversation would go something like this (believe me, we've had this actual conversation, too) :

Us : Time to take a bath.
Them : We don't want to.
Us : Get in the bath tub.
Them : We don't want tooooo. (add the long drawn out whiny voice)
Us : If you don't take a bath, you'll start to smell, your hair will have tangles, and you can't wash off the germs that might make you sick. So go get in the bath tub, now.

By that time they're usually on their way to the bathroom, but if they still choose to disobey, they get punished.

So, I think it's fine to explain the reasons that you want them to bathe so that they understand why a bath is necessary. I just don't think that I should have to trick them into being obedient. And I see no real need or purpose in negotiating over things that simply MUST be done, regardless of whether they like them or not (like baths, cleaning rooms, etc).

 

[Reformationist]

I just don't think that I should have to trick them into being obedient. And I see no real need or purpose in negotiating over things that simply MUST be done, regardless of whether they like them or not (like baths, cleaning rooms, etc).

This is exactly what I've been trying to say, though I haven't done so nearly as succinctly. I just spoke with my wife about this and she raised the same point. She said that when we do this type of thing we are not only teaching them to rebel, because that is the whole crux of this method, i.e., I'm assuming that they'll disobey me so I'll deal with them in that frame of mind and reinforce their rebelliousness, but we also need to consider what message we're sending our children. How do we explain to our children that mommy/daddy, the people that are supposed to always look out for their best interests, have just told them to do something inappropriate? I think it sends the wrong message.

Anyway, fantastic post Heather.

God bless

 

[kelijene]

We only use it in the same context that someone else mentioned; to lighten a mood or in fun - eg "Hey, did I say you could smile? There's NO smiling now" and stuff like that. It always gets the desired reaction (ie a smile )

One thing I stumbled upon was when I found my son getting dressed after a bath and he got upset because he wanted to surprise us by having done it all himself. So now, when I'm requesting them to do something - like clean up the room or something, I sometimes say "come on, surprise me" or 'let's surprise Daddy with this" and they often respond well to that.

 

[Reformationist]

One thing I stumbled upon was when I found my son getting dressed after a bath and he got upset because he wanted to surprise us by having done it all himself. So now, when I'm requesting them to do something - like clean up the room or something, I sometimes say "come on, surprise me" or 'let's surprise Daddy with this" and they often respond well to that.

That sounds to me like a great example of motivating your children in the proper way, i.e., doing the right thing because it will please Daddy or Mommy. Great point kelijene. Thanks for sharing that.

God bless

 

[Andry]

Reformationist,

Despite our differences in things parenting, I've always enjoyed your posts as they challenge me and make me think - which is a good thing! Please keep up your convictions to challenge others continually. You're a blessing.

 

[Reformationist]

Reformationist,

Despite our differences in things parenting, I've always enjoyed your posts as they challenge me and make me think - which is a good thing! Please keep up your convictions to challenge others continually. You're a blessing.

Thank you andry. That is a very kind thing for you to say. That means a lot to me.

God bless

 

[Celticflower]

We have been known to use reverse pyschology as others have, to lighten a mood or when playing around.
When it comes to things like baths or picking up I always use the direct approach. There are only 2 answers to the "I don't want a bath" whine a) Do it now! or b) Take a shower.

I have also found the "monster mommy voice" to be a great motivator with a 12 yr old. When Mommy growls she knows she has pushed things as far as she dares. sometimes the growl isn't even loud. A quiet, controlled low pitched "What did you say?" works wonders.

Celtie

 

[Kathryn13]

Of Course! I also do it in the classroom when I sub. It of course works!

 

[HeatherJay]

I think that many children (unless they're very young) are smart enough to figure out that someone's trying to manipulate them with reverse psychology...in turn, they manipulate back.

You tell a child, "Okay, don't clean your room...that's okay with me...even though pretty soon you'll have no clean clothes and you won't be able to find any thing that you want to play with...you probably won't even have a bare spot on the floor to walk...but, hey, that's okay with me...don't clean it."

LOL, I'm guessing 9 out of 10 children will live happily in the filth, content in the knowledge that Mom and Dad will get tired of the mess before they will...and when the parents blow up and hit the ceiling over the state of things, then the child has the opening to say, "But you told me not to clean it!"

LOL, it just seems a huge waste of time and energy to me...but what ever works for you, I guess.

 

[Crofter]

yes Celtie... the quiet voice works wonders... they know it means no more larking around.

I agree with what folk say... reverse psychology is for fun and games... we don't use deception as a parenting method... but lots of laughs is always good.

I think mostly I just mean what I say.... I'm quite soft with my kids but at the same time I must be quite strict cos my kids tend to do what they are told straight away most of the time and only push me once in a blue moon... I guess they prefer a quiet life.