Resentful thoughts

DeerGlow said:

There are times where I feel so abandoned by God. Like He's there but would rather watch me squirm and suffer than rescue me. I have questioned God and had thoughts of cursing Him and giving up trying. It's such an uphill battle for me. Like trying to climb a mountain with my feet chained to two trucks. It's hard not to feel like 1984. Like I had one bad thought. I did one bad thing that started everything and now it's the ministry of love for me with O'Brien. I wish I thought of God the same way I did as a kid but.... I have no idea if I'm saved, if I was ever saved. I grew up thinking I only needed to fear evil and now that God is the ultimate terror I feel like I have unhealthy images of Him. I know I have to keep fighting but I feel so rejected by God. If He has rejected me it is because I am evil but how do I get out of these unhealthy views?

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I also wanted to explain that what you're experiencing is satan is preaching condemnation at you. What I mean is literally from the spiritual realm, the dark powers of the air around us, satan is actually preaching condemnation at you into your mind.

The solution to this are the things that I described in my previous response. satan is extremely determined to keep Christians from finding, applying, or believing in those solutions.

A Christian must be free of demons, washed and regenerated through the renewal of the Holy Spirit, and established with their loving intimacy needs met in the Godly context of Christian marriage, or just other relational friendships needs met if that suffices for for them. If the human needs of flesh and/or Spirit are unmet, the Christian is more likely to collapse and satan will also find it easier to attack. If unmet needs go on too long, and/or satan and/or habitual unconfessed sin gets even the slightest foothold, then the Christian is entering into serious spiritual bondage, which is what you are experiencing. God can liberate the Christian from all that, ask God for help and Grace in our time of need

DeerGlow said:

There are times where I feel so abandoned by God. Like He's there but would rather watch me squirm and suffer than rescue me. I have questioned God and had thoughts of cursing Him and giving up trying. It's such an uphill battle for me. Like trying to climb a mountain with my feet chained to two trucks. It's hard not to feel like 1984. Like I had one bad thought. I did one bad thing that started everything and now it's the ministry of love for me with O'Brien. I wish I thought of God the same way I did as a kid but.... I have no idea if I'm saved, if I was ever saved. I grew up thinking I only needed to fear evil and now that God is the ultimate terror I feel like I have unhealthy images of Him. I know I have to keep fighting but I feel so rejected by God. If He has rejected me it is because I am evil but how do I get out of these unhealthy views?

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I've prayed for you. I hug you remotely and send you the love of Jesus from my heart. May He bless you in all things.

This is a beautiful thread, so much uplifting. Hopefully you can see how much the people here care about you and if so how much more God cares for you. Praying for you

DeerGlow said:

Yes, but I've also tried the sinner's prayer many times. Sometimes I have strong doubts still. Like I struggle with mental illness, and sometimes I wonder if it's all in my head.

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The sinner's prayer is not something to be tried, but something to be used and trusted. The sinner's prayer doesn't save anyone, it is God's answer to that prayer that saves, but that prayer must be prayed with sincerity and with understanding for God to answer it. There are no "magic" prayers that work just by saying them. God looks at a person's "heart" (mind) and requires that they put their trust in what Jesus did for them on the cross, and call out to Him in true trusting belief for Him to save them.

DeerGlow said:

There are times where I feel so abandoned by God. Like He's there but would rather watch me squirm and suffer than rescue me. I have questioned God and had thoughts of cursing Him and giving up trying. It's such an uphill battle for me. Like trying to climb a mountain with my feet chained to two trucks. It's hard not to feel like 1984. Like I had one bad thought. I did one bad thing that started everything and now it's the ministry of love for me with O'Brien. I wish I thought of God the same way I did as a kid but.... I have no idea if I'm saved, if I was ever saved. I grew up thinking I only needed to fear evil and now that God is the ultimate terror I feel like I have unhealthy images of Him. I know I have to keep fighting but I feel so rejected by God. If He has rejected me it is because I am evil but how do I get out of these unhealthy views?

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In some ways our walk is much like the way the Israelites entered the promised land... it was painful... but it wasn't one where they realised completely that they had 'arrived.' After all, they had to go on and fight battle after battle. But as they did so, they could see when they looked back, that they had actually gained new territory.
Sometimes we should review, and be grateful for the territory that we have gained...yes, count our blessings, and not focus on the battles.
Salvation is a progressive thing. When Jesus died, He promised us heaven in the future, but He also brings the kingdom of God down on earth... Luke 17:21
"Being asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, he answered them, “The kingdom of God is not coming in ways that can be observed, 21 nor will they say, ‘Look, here it is!’ or ‘There!’ for behold, the kingdom of God is in the midst of you."
Anyhow, I think the best advice anyone could give, is for you to find a verse in your Bible, and allow God to let you dwell on that verse, and bring it to fruition in your life... some promise that to you, that you know you can hold God to.

I should add, that one of my favorite verses is Habakkuk 3:19... I have used this a number of times and waited for God to fulfill the promise to me:
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
19 God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places.
May God make your feet tread on high places!

DeerGlow said:

There are times where I feel so abandoned by God. Like He's there but would rather watch me squirm and suffer than rescue me. I have questioned God and had thoughts of cursing Him and giving up trying. It's such an uphill battle for me. Like trying to climb a mountain with my feet chained to two trucks. It's hard not to feel like 1984. Like I had one bad thought. I did one bad thing that started everything and now it's the ministry of love for me with O'Brien. I wish I thought of God the same way I did as a kid but.... I have no idea if I'm saved, if I was ever saved. I grew up thinking I only needed to fear evil and now that God is the ultimate terror I feel like I have unhealthy images of Him. I know I have to keep fighting but I feel so rejected by God. If He has rejected me it is because I am evil but how do I get out of these unhealthy views?

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You're focusing on the wrong passages in scripture. Instead of focusing on the times God punished people, focus on His promises.

DeerGlow said:

I don't think I ever answered you. OCD is possible, Schizophrenia is also a very strong possibility.

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Have you ever been tested by a psychiatrist? You should know what you have if you have something, because that knowledge is power to help yourself. When and if you know for sure, then you can see what the side effects or the weaknesses you have because of your illness and then knowing that, you can begin to look for those things in yourself.

Now trust in God is an issue for you and this is really very common, but the only way to trust God more is to put your trust in Him. I know that sounds backwards to our human thinking, but spiritually it is what needs to happen.

We walk with God, not for God. So try to put something fairly important in God's hands. Leave it at the throne, at the feet of Jesus and trust that He loves you and will take care of it for you. That is the best and easiest (I know that doesn't sound right, but it is) to have more faith and trust in God.

May God bless you and keep peace in your heart and mind. And may you trust Him, leaving your problems at His feet and not taking them back unto yourself.

*big hug*

thesunisout said:

You're focusing on the wrong passages in scripture. Instead of focusing on the times God punished people, focus on His promises.

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Good advice. Each of those times that God punished people was for a specific reason in a specific situation. And none of us are obviously in that situation. Jesus tells us to pray "Our Father", that is what and who God is, our Father.

A Father who knows love far greater and is able to love His Children with far greater love, than any of us will ever know.