Removed my daughter's father from the picture.

dawnsday · Mar 23, 2008

Let me first state that I did not do this with the intent of it being permanent, but due to his drug use (recreational, maybe, but done while she is there, with pipes in plain site and reach), violent temper and the fact that she comes home hungry, I finally decided there was nothing more I could do to help my baby daddy be a good daddy and told him he is no longer allowed to see his daughter.

Lucky for me we had a busy couple of weeks, so it hasn't phased her to not see him, but tonight I do have to tell her that she is not allowed to see her father.

This all started when she came home and told me about his drugs (she is 6). I do not want her to blame herself for this. She should blame him or if she needs to blame me that's okay, but she is such a giving child I am afraid she will blame herself.

Also, I am debating whether or not he she be allowed to talk to her on the phone.

Any advice on how to communicate this to her or if I should allow them to talk?

JulySheMustFly · Mar 24, 2008

Do you have speaker phone?
You could allow them to talk on the phone with you sitting with her. Then if something comes up that you are not comfortable with you can act on it right then and you've heard the whole thing not just the 6yo interpretatio I know my 6yo can hear one thing and relay a totally different thing to us.

You had to make a difficult decision but you acted in the best interest of your daughter. I don't have experience in that so I'm not really comfortable giving advice on how to approach it with your daughter.

Sorry, this next thing is OT but how come the OP Time says posted Today 6:21pm and yet right now it is only 1:11 here? So confused.

bliz · Mar 23, 2008

You can listen in on phone conversations.

Be very careful about cutting off all access - it can build up a lot of resentment and anger, even if her father does not try and make you a villan. And, he may feel that his daughter is the one right thing in his life, to take that little contact away can be very discouraging for him as well.

dawnsday · Mar 24, 2008

bliz said:
You can listen in on phone conversations.

Be very careful about cutting off all access - it can build up a lot of resentment and anger, even if her father does not try and make you a villan. And, he may feel that his daughter is the one right thing in his life, to take that little contact away can be very discouraging for him as well.

I used to care about the dad's welfare in that aspect. honestly, I do believe that our daughter is the only thing that is keeping him from killing himself with drugs.

I just don't really care anymore, because he is putting his own child in danger by having the stuff around and not taking care of her when he has her.

I take that back, I really DO care about what happens to him...I just care more about HER then HIM.

If he REALLY wants to be in her life, all he has to do is go to court and request legal visitation. I will then go to court and bring up the drug issue, he will be tested and fail (or not) and if he fails will have to pass a program to see her. Which he can complete successfully to prove that she comes before the drugs.

dawnsday · Mar 24, 2008

JulySheMustFly said:
Do you have speaker phone?
You could allow them to talk on the phone with you sitting with her. Then if something comes up that you are not comfortable with you can act on it right then and you've heard the whole thing not just the 6yo interpretatio I know my 6yo can hear one thing and relay a totally different thing to us.

You had to make a difficult decision but you acted in the best interest of your daughter. I don't have experience in that so I'm not really comfortable giving advice on how to approach it with your daughter.

Sorry, this next thing is OT but how come the OP Time says posted Today 6:21pm and yet right now it is only 1:11 here? So confused.

I have already started using speaker phone when he calls on rare occassions and some of what he says disturbs me..."mommy takes all my money" type stuff.

and i'm not sure about the time deal...must be a glitch.

Mayzoo · Mar 24, 2008

One wording suggestion.....when you do tell her about your decission do not say "you are not allowed to see daddy right now" make it more of "daddy is not allowed to see you for now".....though that seems the same it changes the wrong doer from her to him......if she is not allowed then she did something that she is being punished for--if he is not allowed then he did something wrong....see?

You will need to be ready to answer lots of questions, be as honest as you can without it being damaging to your daughter, or her potential for loving her father if/when he does change. I would try to think of all the questions she may ask way in advance, write them down and come up with answers that fit, yet don't place any fault on her.

I hope all goes well. I had to remove my mother from my daughter's life. I was fortunate in that I do not believe my daughter remembers her, and I can explain it as she gets older that one of her grandmothers is not well enough to be around her right now (my mother is very mentally ill and abusive). I can also adapt this true answer as my child gets older to fit her ability to understand the answer.

dawnsday · Mar 24, 2008

Mayzoo said:
One wording suggestion.....when you do tell her about your decission do not say "you are not allowed to see daddy right now" make it more of "daddy is not allowed to see you for now".....though that seems the same it changes the wrong doer from her to him......if she is not allowed then she did something that she is being punished for--if he is not allowed then he did something wrong....see?

You will need to be ready to answer lots of questions, be as honest as you can without it being damaging to your daughter, or her potential for loving her father if/when he does change. I would try to think of all the questions she may ask way in advance, write them down and come up with answers that fit, yet don't place any fault on her.

I hope all goes well. I had to remove my mother from my daughter's life. I was fortunate in that I do not believe my daughter remembers her, and I can explain it as she gets older that one of her grandmothers is not well enough to be around her right now (my mother is very mentally ill and abusive). I can also adapt this true answer as my child gets older to fit her ability to understand the answer.

that's a very good point, I will make sure to say that.

clycleader · Mar 24, 2008

I think at that young age, maybe explaining his "issues" as he's not well right now and when he becomes healthy you can see each other again?? That's all I've got. Prayers for you and your daughter.

TexasSky · Mar 24, 2008

You need to be very, very, very careful.

If you have a divorce decree saying he can see her, you cannot legally prevent him from seeing her without going back to court.

Also, alienation from a parent can do far more harm to the child than to the parent.

Do let her speak to him on the phone.
Do make it totally clear to him why he is not allowed to be with her.
DO make some kind of arrangements for them to see each other under supervision. If you cannot be the supervisor, ask the court to put in one.

dawnsday · Mar 23, 2008

TexasSky said:
You need to be very, very, very careful.

If you have a divorce decree saying he can see her, you cannot legally prevent him from seeing her without going back to court.

Also, alienation from a parent can do far more harm to the child than to the parent.

Do let her speak to him on the phone.
Do make it totally clear to him why he is not allowed to be with her.
DO make some kind of arrangements for them to see each other under supervision. If you cannot be the supervisor, ask the court to put in one.

We were never married and he has no "legal" rights to her. The court will not intervene...I already asked...they said, since he has no rights they don't need to enforce my decision and I can take her away, abut they also won't provide supervised visitation...if he fights to see her, then they find out he does drugs, THEN they will offer that...but not before then.

This isn't new...this is going on 5 years of me bending over backwards, finding drugs on him, finding him drinking with her at the park, smoking pot around her, him sending her home without having fed her all weekend, except for cereal or candy, him beating on me, screaming at me from the street, having drug dealers selling from his house, crack addicts sleeping there, going through more then 10 roomates in 5 years who he kicks out due to fighting in the house, knives, not guns, but still....

The ONLY reason I finally gave up and said "you can't see her" is because I can't risk her safety at this level anymore. In fact I think I was stupid for waiting so long, but I wanted to be completely sure I did everything I could think of.

I will allow her to talk on the phone, but he will have take action to see her...because I can't be around him, he has no ability to be near me without becoming angry and verbally inappropriate...

Lisa0315 · Mar 24, 2008

From a fatherless daughter, please do what my Mom did. If you are unable to tell her something good about her Dad when she gets old enough to ask, do not say anything. She is going to have a huge piece of herself missing, or feel like it, but tell her what you did and why, but also tell her about the good you saw in him too. If you cannot also find something good to say about him then tell her nothing.

I promise you, it was the best gift my mother could have given me. There were other relatives who were not so kind and I took every ugly word they said about him and applied it to myself. Okay?

Lisa

dawnsday · Mar 24, 2008

Lisa0315 said:
From a fatherless daughter, please do what my Mom did. If you are unable to tell her something good about her Dad when she gets old enough to ask, do not say anything. She is going to have a huge piece of herself missing, or feel like it, but tell her what you did and why, but also tell her about the good you saw in him too. If you cannot also find something good to say about him then tell her nothing.

I promise you, it was the best gift my mother could have given me. There were other relatives who were not so kind and I took every ugly word they said about him and applied it to myself. Okay?

Lisa

I also have an absentee father...though it was his choice...and my mother never had a bad word to say until I was long grown. I completely agree, nothing bad should be said to her about him...only that he isn't able to take care of her rignt now (or however I word it) even though he loves her.

TexasSky · Mar 24, 2008

dawnsday said:
We were never married and he has no "legal" rights to her. The court will not intervene...I already asked...they said, since he has no rights they don't need to enforce my decision and I can take her away, abut they also won't provide supervised visitation...if he fights to see her, then they find out he does drugs, THEN they will offer that...but not before then.

This isn't new...this is going on 5 years of me bending over backwards, finding drugs on him, finding him drinking with her at the park, smoking pot around her, him sending her home without having fed her all weekend, except for cereal or candy, him beating on me, screaming at me from the street, having drug dealers selling from his house, crack addicts sleeping there, going through more then 10 roomates in 5 years who he kicks out due to fighting in the house, knives, not guns, but still....

The ONLY reason I finally gave up and said "you can't see her" is because I can't risk her safety at this level anymore. In fact I think I was stupid for waiting so long, but I wanted to be completely sure I did everything I could think of.

I will allow her to talk on the phone, but he will have take action to see her...because I can't be around him, he has no ability to be near me without becoming angry and verbally inappropriate...

Ah, I didn't realize that there was no court document already in place.

I do agree that you have to protect her. That's why I said "supervised" visits. If you are not required to do visitation at all, just be very careful how you handle denying her visitation. You do not ever want her to think you chose to come between her and her father - even a bad father. Rather something along the lines of, "Daddy isn't well, and I don't want you hurt so Daddy has to get well before he can see you," may help.

TexasSky · Mar 24, 2008

Lisa0315 said:
From a fatherless daughter, please do what my Mom did. If you are unable to tell her something good about her Dad when she gets old enough to ask, do not say anything. She is going to have a huge piece of herself missing, or feel like it, but tell her what you did and why, but also tell her about the good you saw in him too. If you cannot also find something good to say about him then tell her nothing.

I promise you, it was the best gift my mother could have given me. There were other relatives who were not so kind and I took every ugly word they said about him and applied it to myself. Okay?

Lisa

QFT!

Leanna · Mar 23, 2008

Is he on the birth certificate? Does he pay child support?

Mayzoo · Mar 24, 2008

seriously---...I am praying for you all. I also am from a broken home, psychotic mother, and after the divorce--dad literally dropped off the face of the planet, and the rest of the family did not want to have anything to do with my mother (we were just causalities of that decision).

Rough waters are ahead. You have to do what is right for your daughter. Mine is 6 too . It tore me up to have to tell my mother she was not allowed any more contact, but she had six months to make some changes, and she choose not too. She was abusing my daughter verbally, and physically. The physical was very minor, since I never left her alone any longer than the time it took me to go to the bathroom, but any is just unacceptable. I lived a life of abuse with her.....my daughter will have better by my choices!

I hate to see any exclusion when it comes to families and children, but the health and welfare of the child are paramount.

Laurie919 · Mar 24, 2008

dawnsday said:
I have already started using speaker phone when he calls on rare occassions and some of what he says disturbs me..."mommy takes all my money" type stuff.

and i'm not sure about the time deal...must be a glitch.

I don't know why men feel the need to tell our children things like this. What do they want the child to do about it? I guess they do it to make the child try to make you feel bad about "taking their money".

Taylor's dad has gone as far as to tell Taylor that the money I get for her is for her and I have no right to spend it. Most of the time she does get "her child support". There are times though when I need it and I don't think there is anything wrong with me using it for gas, groceries or anything else I need it for, it isn't like I am spending it on me. Honestly I don't see how he could ever say that every dime I have ever gotten hasn't been spent on her. All you have to do is look in her closet or around her room and you will see she doesn't do without much.

If you have a total peace about keeping him from seeing her for a while, then I see nothing wrong with it. You just have to make sure you are doing it for the right reasons (I'm not saying that you aren't doing it for the right reasons, it is just a general statement).

I am having a hard time with Taylor's dad and step-mom right now. She has said she never wants to see him again. I won't make her.

What if he came to your house to see her and they sat on the porch or something. Just so that they can spend some time together.

Also, from the way you described him, you might want to be careful with him he might try to hurt you back.

dawnsday · Mar 24, 2008

Leanna said:
Is he on the birth certificate? Does he pay child support?

yes and yes but he's behind

Leanna · Mar 25, 2008

dawnsday said:
yes and yes but he's behind

Then legally any court will give him visitation if he takes you to court.... its not really your decision. I don't see any harm in not encouraging visits and calls though, but I don't know that I would do anything like "forbid" him to where he might take you to court and take your baby from you more often.

dawnsday · Mar 25, 2008

Leanna said:
Then legally any court will give him visitation if he takes you to court.... its not really your decision. I don't see any harm in not encouraging visits and calls though, but I don't know that I would do anything like "forbid" him to where he might take you to court and take your baby from you more often.

Yes, but they will make him take a drug test if I request it and then if he is doing drugs, he will get supervised visitation unless he completes a program.

And heck, if I am wrong --- then at least I know.

Only I know I am not wrong because his friends told me he does it - they see it.

Removed my daughter's father from the picture.

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