Wondering. If an older cousin or sibling molested you many years ago? Would you take your child to a children's party where your abuser is also invited?? Once there was some forgiveness but since my husband and I became parents I have no forgiveness for this person. Really, I don't want him around my child. But, this is a family party and don't know what to do. I will not confront him because he may be smoking pot still. I don't know what to do. I end up looking bad (not everyone in family knows) and my child misses out on the event. What would you do in this situation?
-
The General Mental Health Forum is now a Read Only Forum. As we had two large areas making it difficult for many to find, we decided to combine the Mental Health & the Recovery sections of the forum into Mental Health & Recovery as a whole. Physical Health still remains as it's own area within the entire Recovery area.
If you are having struggles, need support in a particular area that you aren't finding a specific recovery area forum, you may find the General Struggles forum a great place to post. Any any that is related to emotions, self-esteem, insomnia, anger, relationship dynamics due to mental health and recovery and other issues that don't fit better in another forum would be examples of topics that might go there.
If you have spiritual issues related to a mental health and recovery issue, please use the Recovery Related Spiritual Advice forum. This forum is designed to be like Christian Advice, only for recovery type of issues. Recovery being like a family in many ways, allows us to support one another together. May you be blessed today and each day.
Kristen.NewCreation and FreeinChrist
-
Starting today August 7th, 2024, in order to post in the Married Couples, Courting Couples, or Singles forums, you will not be allowed to post if you have your Marital status designated as private. Announcements will be made in the respective forums as well but please note that if yours is currently listed as Private, you will need to submit a ticket in the Support Area to have yours changed.
-
CF has always been a site that welcomes people from different backgrounds and beliefs to participate in discussion and even debate. That is the nature of its ministry. In view of recent events emotions are running very high. We need to remind people of some basic principles in debating on this site. We need to be civil when we express differences in opinion. No personal attacks. Avoid you, your statements. Don't characterize an entire political party with comparisons to Fascism or Communism or other extreme movements that committed atrocities. CF is not the place for broad brush or blanket statements about groups and political parties. Put the broad brushes and blankets away when you come to CF, better yet, put them in the incinerator. Debate had no place for them. We need to remember that people that commit acts of violence represent themselves or a small extreme faction.
Relative's Party/Abuser Invited
- Thread starter confused2007
- Start date
goldenviolet
Holy is the Lord God Almighty
- Nov 28, 2004
- 35,450
- 2,125
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
how about either exsplaine to your child if they are old enough; and tell them your exspectations around even family members to keep safe;
or not go. forgiveness and accountability are seperate. you can forgive but hold him accountable.
this has happened to me. i've choose both of these. first time i felt family gathering more important and kids old enough to understand. i was completely honest about everything except curved details to what was nessasary.
the next time, i drew the line. i wouldn't beable to have complete control of event, and it wasn't an occasion i felt important.
both times i was also completely forward about situation with hosts, and parents. i point blank forbid my kids to sit next too, or on person, no hugs etc. this i told to offender too. some family was angry. but most understood. including the offender. i told him forgiveness and accountability are seperate. my family is very verbal though. we say whatever we need to.
or not go. forgiveness and accountability are seperate. you can forgive but hold him accountable.
this has happened to me. i've choose both of these. first time i felt family gathering more important and kids old enough to understand. i was completely honest about everything except curved details to what was nessasary.
the next time, i drew the line. i wouldn't beable to have complete control of event, and it wasn't an occasion i felt important.
both times i was also completely forward about situation with hosts, and parents. i point blank forbid my kids to sit next too, or on person, no hugs etc. this i told to offender too. some family was angry. but most understood. including the offender. i told him forgiveness and accountability are seperate. my family is very verbal though. we say whatever we need to.
Upvote
0
BlessedMommy05
Is Thanking God for opening doors!
- Dec 27, 2006
- 1,194
- 286
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Female
- Faith
- Catholic
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
- Politics
- US-Others
I am a parent also and in your case thats up to you, but like ther previous poster said, forgiveness and accountability are 2 different things.. For me, now that I am a parent, I would never go to the family party and just say some thing came up or had previous plans.. I couldnt face the person whom abused me and knowing he wont stop for nothing, even though he denies it to this very day.. But again if I were to go, I would lay out expectations and if my son was old enough to understand and not need details, then we would go but I'd keep a very close eye on him and be sure he wasnt around the person.. Just my .01cent. I pray you make what decision is best for you all and have a good time or make other plans.. God bless..
Upvote
0
I am not sure of all the details of this...but genreally I dont think it's wise to attend parties where an abuser is present, just to 'save face' with family. I understand totally this situation....just last nite i went to a dinner - mom,dad, siblings were there. It was a good lesson on why NOT to attend these 'family gatherings'......
in my ccase i grew up in alcoholic home, (dad), to date, siblings are in denial of that,...so I am viewed as anti-social if I dont attend their little parties....
In answer more specificially to your question, you asked whether you should have to attend a family gathering where an abuser will be present.
It would depend on several things---
first- this happened you said many years ago. The first thing would be has the abuser been able to own responsibility for what they did? I know some abusers at some point own up to their wrongdoing and are repentant, and turn their life around and are not the same person. The idea is, how are they NOW? IF they are in denial of what they did, dont take ownership of it, dont apologize, havent become more healthy, etc. that is one thing. I would be much less inclined to continue socializing with a person or go to an event where he/she was, if they are still sick, and havent changed. If they have changed, truly, that is a different story and I would go.
The other thing is if the abuser hasnt changed, but its an important event like let's say someone you care about is getting married and abuser will be there. You can go, and stay seperate from them, in order to be able to attend that special day.
If it's not a special event, let's say an aunt invites you to a BBQ, not a big enough deal to warrant hanging out with an abuser for, you know?
In other words, if it's a big deal event, for someone you care about, and abuser will be there...you can go, but avoid the abuser, even for a short time long enough to give your best wishes to the person who is having the special event.
if it's not a big deal, just a lunch, or get together, that wouldnt be worth it to go thru the emotional upset of being around an abuser.
Also consider how other relatives are. Oftentimes relatives are connected in a sick or toxic way. Is it just the one person, or is it more pervasive, toxic atmosphere to any family gathering.
in that case, avoid, avoid, it's not worth it.
If the abuser/abusers have owned up to it and have changed, then I would definately go, because that's the whole point of healing/ redemption, etc. If nobody has changed and they are all still abusive, toxic and unhealthy to be around, avoid at all costs.
in my ccase i grew up in alcoholic home, (dad), to date, siblings are in denial of that,...so I am viewed as anti-social if I dont attend their little parties....
In answer more specificially to your question, you asked whether you should have to attend a family gathering where an abuser will be present.
It would depend on several things---
first- this happened you said many years ago. The first thing would be has the abuser been able to own responsibility for what they did? I know some abusers at some point own up to their wrongdoing and are repentant, and turn their life around and are not the same person. The idea is, how are they NOW? IF they are in denial of what they did, dont take ownership of it, dont apologize, havent become more healthy, etc. that is one thing. I would be much less inclined to continue socializing with a person or go to an event where he/she was, if they are still sick, and havent changed. If they have changed, truly, that is a different story and I would go.
The other thing is if the abuser hasnt changed, but its an important event like let's say someone you care about is getting married and abuser will be there. You can go, and stay seperate from them, in order to be able to attend that special day.
If it's not a special event, let's say an aunt invites you to a BBQ, not a big enough deal to warrant hanging out with an abuser for, you know?
In other words, if it's a big deal event, for someone you care about, and abuser will be there...you can go, but avoid the abuser, even for a short time long enough to give your best wishes to the person who is having the special event.
if it's not a big deal, just a lunch, or get together, that wouldnt be worth it to go thru the emotional upset of being around an abuser.
Also consider how other relatives are. Oftentimes relatives are connected in a sick or toxic way. Is it just the one person, or is it more pervasive, toxic atmosphere to any family gathering.
in that case, avoid, avoid, it's not worth it.
If the abuser/abusers have owned up to it and have changed, then I would definately go, because that's the whole point of healing/ redemption, etc. If nobody has changed and they are all still abusive, toxic and unhealthy to be around, avoid at all costs.
Upvote
0
mariposa1127
Active Member
- Jun 30, 2007
- 303
- 17
- Faith
- Methodist
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Republican
If you want to go because other family members are going to be there and you want to visit with them. I would go but under no circumstances would I allow my child to be alone with this person. I never let my child be alone with anyone that I do not know or that I know has a sexual abusive past. There is no reason to explain to your child why you do not like the certain person. This might just be confusing for your child if they are not at the age where they will understand. If you feel like your going to have a confrontation with the person if you go then stay home and save yourself the trouble. Take your family out to pizza. Then visit with the other family members at another time.
Upvote
0
Similar threads
