Relationship roles.

[Mike25]

I am still a fairly new Christian, I have been married 6 months and am having some troubles in my marriage already. My wife has been a Christian all her life and has grown up reading about the rules of being in a marriage, since I am still fairly new to this I basically have to take her word as being right about everything, but some things she has said just dont seem right to me so I really need another opinion.

We did a pre marriage course but it basically just glossed over everything, I don't believe my wife is trying to burden me with everything on purpose, and I believe that in her mind she thinks what she has read and understood is right, I just believe she could be a bit misguided.

She believes that I am in charge of everything... Meaning I have the last say on absolutely everything, which in her mind makes me responsible for anything that goes wrong and she will not hesitate to tear me to pieces for making the wrong decision.

She also believes that I am in charge of her socially, meaning that I am in charge of whenever we go out and do an activity, eg. Cinemas, going out to dinner etc. and then yells or cries that I never think about her or what she wants, she always over reacts about everything and always gets violent without notice. I believe that she could organize something fun for us to do and not be going against god, she also believes if she has to say she wants to do something that it's almost not worth going anymore because she had to prompt me, I find this especially hard because I am a home body and she claims it's impossible for her to relax at home which I find very unusua.

I cook her breakfast lunch and dinner, she never even gets up to get her own drink. Just asks me to do it until I do, then on Saturday when I don't think about dinner I get cussed out... I am having an extremely hard time for what should be a time to just enjoy each other only 6 months after marriage.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I really need some help.
Thanks in advance, Mike

 

[seeingeyes]

Sounds like you need to start laying down the law. She told you to, after all.

Was your wife violent/angry before you married?

 

[Mike25]

Yes she has always been very angry, she had an awful childhood, she has recently been very suicidal, I have been trying to get her to the psychologist for a long time but she refuses to go. I don't know what to do anymore, I have spent many nights awake all night making sure she doesn't hurt herself, she has been cutting herself the last few years and we have had a very tuff time, she is treated horribly at work also as a nurse and has no mental state anymore for anything... I don't know how to get her out of depression.

 

[seeingeyes]

Yes she has always been very angry, she had an awful childhood, she has recently been very suicidal, I have been trying to get her to the psychologist for a long time but she refuses to go. I don't know what to do anymore, I have spent many nights awake all night making sure she doesn't hurt herself, she has been cutting herself the last few years and we have had a very tuff time, she is treated horribly at work also as a nurse and has no mental state anymore for anything... I don't know how to get her out of depression.

You need to get her to some sort of treatment. Don't ask her, just tell her. "I've made an appointment for you today with Dr. So and So. We're going".

It's not your responsibility to "get her out of depression", but when someone is depressed, they tend to self-isolate which makes getting started with treatment very difficult. You can help her by not taking "no" for an answer.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Start telling her to make you a sammich.

 

[LinkH]

since I am still fairly new to this I basically have to take her word as being right about everything,

Based on what you've said so far, that's not a good approach to take. Get a vision for your marriage, share it with your wife and get her to buy into it. Agree on how things should be. But don't go for this 'she is always right' thing. It will be frustrating for you and unsatisfying for her. If she's being unreasonable, call her on it and offer her some pushback. She'll probably be more comfortable with that than your capitulating if she's being unreasonable, trying to placate her, etc.

She believes that I am in charge of everything... Meaning I have the last say on absolutely everything, which in her mind makes me responsible for anything that goes wrong and she will not hesitate to tear me to pieces for making the wrong decision.

If she thinks of it that way, give her this analogy. If you were the boss in the office, you are responsible for everything. But the boss holds the employee responsible for things he does or does not do, and the employee is supposed to respect the boss and take responsibility within his or her own role. And the employee doesn't tear the boss to pieces if he does a bad job. His boss may do that, but not the employee.

If she wants you to be the leader, but then she gets on your case for not leading exactly as she has in mind, there is a problem with that. And she's not respecting you as leader if she does that.

In an office situation, the boss sets some of the policies and procedures for the office. Many of them may be set by some kind of company guidelines (and in life and marriage, we have the Bible), but the office manager makes decisions to set procedures not covered in the company manual.

She also believes that I am in charge of her socially, meaning that I am in charge of whenever we go out and do an activity, eg. Cinemas, going out to dinner etc. and then yells or cries that I never think about her or what she wants, she always over reacts about everything and always gets violent without notice. I believe that she could organize something fun for us to do and not be going against god, she also believes if she has to say she wants to do something that it's almost not worth going anymore because she had to prompt me, I find this especially hard because I am a home body and she claims it's impossible for her to relax at home which I find very unusua.

Of course, the violence is unacceptable. But if she likes you to plan some nights out, you could do that. Sit down and think of a list of things to do and run through the schedule. You can also tell her as the leader, you can delegate, and delegate some of these tasks.

If she acts like a child and throws a tantrum about not going out, don't beg her to forgive you for an imagined offense. Don't dote over here for acting like that. Show some compassion if she's crying, but after that, give her some space. Don't give her attention for being too emotional in a bad way, in a way that rewards her negative behavior. If she's acting like a child, you be the adult. You might even talk to her as if she's acting like a child, too, treating her a bit like a child throwing a tantrum, subtly. She may start to feel like a child throwing a tantrum.

When she's in a normal frame of mind, you can tell her that's not acceptable. If she says you are the leader, so you are responsible for her tantrums, don't go for that. You can use the office manager analogy. If someone's manager at work got on their case for not doing their job well, the manager is not going to accept the excuse that the employees poor work is the managers responsibility. The manager's boss might say that, but not the employee.

I cook her breakfast lunch and dinner, she never even gets up to get her own drink. Just asks me to do it until I do, then on Saturday when I don't think about dinner I get cussed out... I am having an extremely hard time for what should be a time to just enjoy each other only 6 months after marriage.

Does she work outside the home? I wouldn't go for that. There was a study a while back showing that couples that had traditional division of labor had more sex. If she cooks and washes dishes, and you wash the car and mow the lawn, that's what I mean. You could insist that she cook. If you cook, you could insist she help you, so you can teach her and tell her you are teaching her so she can do it by herself.

There is nothing wrong with bringing your wife a drink and being nice. My wife might ask me if she's tired or something. But she'll do nice things for me, and she is the one who cooks and she's excellent at it. I don't mind bringing her a cup of tea or water every once in a while. But if your wife is demanding you do these things and not doing stuff for you, that's not a good relationship dynamic at all.

Btw, we are limited in this forum on this topic, because it could go into some of the Biblical instructions for wives which are against the rules to discuss in this forum. If you have married icon, you should be able to see the married men's forum, which would be a good place to discuss this since there are not the same limitations on discussing the Biblical responsibilities for women in marriage. Biblical responsibilities for men are allowed to be discussed in this forum, though.

 

[LinkH]

Something else that can help on the spiritual side is frequently praying with your wife. You could pray with her every night before going to bed. Pray about the depression and anger issues as well. You can also study the Bible together, which could be as simple as reading a passage and commenting on it if you have any comments to share.

It's amazing how God can work on those deep-seated emotional issues if we will ask Him in faith. I don't have a lot of confidence in psychologists to actually fix people's emotional problems, and I don't know if there is any real evidence to support the idea that, in general, they do.

 

[Mike25]

Thanks very much for the help, I will give all of that a go, and I'm sorry I didn't realize I was posting something against the rules.

 

[LinkH]

Thanks very much for the help, I will give all of that a go, and I'm sorry I didn't realize I was posting something against the rules.

I don't think you have broken any rule. But discussion of wives submitting to husbands is, and at least for me, that's an obvious topic to think of when reading your post. I am not a moderator, but I don't see any reason why this thread would be against any rules. But if you went to the married men's forum, that other topic could be discussed freely as well. If you wanted to post a parallel thread there, you may get some other advice as well.

 

[Inkachu]

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I really need some help.
Thanks in advance, Mike

Some REAL Christian marriage counseling. Seriously. What she's doing is NOT okay, and it's not how a Christian marriage is supposed to function.

 

[mkgal1]

Some REAL Christian marriage counseling. Seriously. What she's doing is NOT okay, and it's not how a Christian marriage is supposed to function.

Or *any* marriage.....for that matter (nor is that even "functioning").

 

[mkgal1]

What was your wife's living arrangement prior to marriage, was she living alone or what?

 

[Mike25]

Yeah that's what I thought. Her parents are divorced and she was living with her dad (who was always run over like a freight train by her mum). She says she doesn't want to turn out like her and I've pointed out that she is doing just that. You can imagine how that went down... Will definitely seek out a Christian marriage counsellor.

Plus she found out just 3yrs ago that she was a product of an affair and her dad isn't actually her biological dad which really rocked her world.

 

[Inkachu]

Please don't view this poor girl with contempt. She's messed up and struggling. She's a product of a poor environment growing up, and apparently very mixed and incorrect messages about what a Christian marriage should be. If you love her, and she loves you, and you're both committed to this marriage, there is hope. But I truly believe you're going to need help getting to a better place. Please consider making an appointment with a certified marriage counselor (not just like, some person at church with no credentials).

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Mike25 - I am one who believes that those who post here are being honest about what they post, and not necessarily hiding information. If your wife is doing things such as cutting and experiencing suicidal ideation then some of the interventions that would be normal (i.e. asserting yourself, suggesting roles for her in the home, etc.) may not be effective. Are there any friends or family that can intervene for you with your wife? I know that taking on situations that you described by yourself can seem impossible, and it's best that you have some support and advice from some who know you and your wife a little better than us.

 

[Inkachu]

You can't handle this situation without help, Mike. Anyone who is suicidal (even if it was "recent" and doesn't seem to be current) and has cut themselves needs serious, intense counseling IMHO. I wouldn't let the suggestion of counseling drop, I would continually bring it up, BUT in a gentle, loving, and patient manner. You want her to feel loved, cared for, and safe, not pressured. If you are truly concerned about her harming herself, then YOU, as her husband, have a responsibility to get her help.

 

[Annessa3]

not sure why you haven't taken her to ER for psych evaluation? Self harm, violent moods, suicidal intentions, staying awake to keep her safe?

if you're going to get help, get professional help.

 

[Inkachu]

not sure why you haven't taken her to ER for psych evaluation? Self harm, violent moods, suicidal intentions, staying awake to keep her safe?

if you're going to get help, get professional help.

I can understand how difficult it is to reach a point of physically forcing someone into treatment. It's not easy, it can be traumatic for everyone involved, and it takes a lot of courage. I agree that it may be the step he needs to take, but that's such a personal decision, and we don't know him or her beyond what we've read in this thread. I have empathy for both sides of it. I was forced into a psych hospital when I was a teenager, and it was extremely traumatic for me, and it just about ripped my parents to pieces emotionally, and almost destroyed our family. I don't regret that it happened; it saved my life. But it certainly wasn't an easy thing to do.

 

[tenderheart1]

I, too, would suggest some good counseling. She needs help for her depression and you both need help in sorting out the roles for your marriage.