Relationship Help (Toxic)

[Annie Winger]

Everything seems fine until it isn’t.

He’s attentive, kind, buys me food, buys me presents, and says he loves me. He texts me all the time and calls me multiple times a day just to tell me how much he cares. He heats up the car so when I get in, it’s warm. He drives me everywhere because I don’t have a license. He buys presents for my sisters and begs to spend time with my family. The moment I’m upset, he’s there. And it’s all fine until he starts screaming at me.

And saying that if I ever cheat on him he’ll tell a series of lies to my family, and I quote, “ruin my life” and make me “as miserable as possible”. It’s fine until he tells me that the stress I put on him makes him throw up blood, and that being with me and knowing that I’ve had boyfriends other than him is “complete torture” and “makes him want to die”. Or the comments he makes about who I am, claiming that he’s made “no comment on my character”, when he knows he has.

Nobody has ever made me feel so good about myself. On the flip side, nobody has ever made me feel worse. I don’t know if I’m delusional or he is. I don’t know where I am or what I am doing. What is real and what isn’t. It’s my fourth year in this cycle with him, breaking up and getting back together. Loving him endlessly and wishing, more than anything in the world, that I could run away from him. Is it me? Is it him? What do I do?

 

[DaisyDay]

Look up Borderline Personality Disorder and "Welcome to Oz".

Most people will tell you to run, run now, run fast and run far - probably good advice.

However, it's not true that all people with BPD are incapable of change, but it is extremely difficult for them and they would have to actually want to. Some do, some don't. In the best case scenario, such a relationship will almost certainly damage your psyche. To survive, you have to have a very secure sense of self (the very thing they lack) and the ability to set boundaries.

This kind of roller-coaster relationship can be intoxicating - with emphasis on toxic.

 

[bèlla]

Does he suffer from medical or psychological ailments? The Jekyll and Hyde behavior is unhealthy. Especially if the outbursts are unprovoked.

And saying that if I ever cheat on him he’ll tell a series of lies to my family, and I quote, “ruin my life” and make me “as miserable as possible”.

I interpret his statement as: You can't leave or I'll destroy you. It places the possibility of failure in your lap and absolves him from responsibility for his failings. I would have difficulty building a relationship with someone incapable of recognizing their mistakes or whose fears drove them to threaten my welfare.

That isn't love. Its coercion.

It’s fine until he tells me that the stress I put on him makes him throw up blood, and that being with me and knowing that I’ve had boyfriends other than him is “complete torture” and “makes him want to die”.

Have you witnessed the behavior he acknowledged? Have you seen him throwing up blood or falling ill due to stress and anxiety? Otherwise, it's gaslighting. Plain and simple. His discomfort about your previous attachments is unhealthy. He knew going in he wasn't the only one. If that's too troubling the mature response is avoidance.

Punishing you because you've engaged with other men is unloving and abnormal too.

I don’t know where I am or what I am doing. What is real and what isn’t.

Riding a rollercoaster a time or two is fun. You enjoy the high. But remaining on it permanently would make you sick. And so will he. He's incapable of loving you in a healthy fashion without subjecting you to accusations and mental torture in the process.

Separation is the best course. He doesn't love you. He loves the idea of you he's crafted in his head. The truth unsettles him. You can't change the past or contort yourself into someone else.

Give yourself the opportunity to experience a healthy relationship with a man who values you and supports your growth. He isn't it. And he may never reach that point.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[JohnDB]

He has some serious self esteem issues.

He is overly attentive to try to ensure that you won't leave him. Then he threatens to destroy your reputation with those who love you again because of his poor self esteem.

He doesn't feel worthy of you.

Pure and simple...he doesn't feel like he is loveable or worthy of your love.

This issue definitely needs to be addressed before you marry.

 

[Soyeong]

Everything seems fine until it isn’t.

He’s attentive, kind, buys me food, buys me presents, and says he loves me. He texts me all the time and calls me multiple times a day just to tell me how much he cares. He heats up the car so when I get in, it’s warm. He drives me everywhere because I don’t have a license. He buys presents for my sisters and begs to spend time with my family. The moment I’m upset, he’s there. And it’s all fine until he starts screaming at me.

And saying that if I ever cheat on him he’ll tell a series of lies to my family, and I quote, “ruin my life” and make me “as miserable as possible”. It’s fine until he tells me that the stress I put on him makes him throw up blood, and that being with me and knowing that I’ve had boyfriends other than him is “complete torture” and “makes him want to die”. Or the comments he makes about who I am, claiming that he’s made “no comment on my character”, when he knows he has.

Nobody has ever made me feel so good about myself. On the flip side, nobody has ever made me feel worse. I don’t know if I’m delusional or he is. I don’t know where I am or what I am doing. What is real and what isn’t. It’s my fourth year in this cycle with him, breaking up and getting back together. Loving him endlessly and wishing, more than anything in the world, that I could run away from him. Is it me? Is it him? What do I do?

Look up some articles on how to spot signs that someone is a narcissist, gaslighting, or love bombing to see if that matches what he is doing as well as how to set boundaries. I think that a year or maybe two is usually a sufficient amount of time to determine whether you want to get married to someone depending on how much you interact with each other, but if it is not clear to you after four years, then spending more years in the relationship is probably not going to change that. Whatever you do, do not get married to him hoping that he will change his behavior after you get married because he will most likely bring all of that into the marriage. If he is doing things that are unacceptable to you, then you need set boundaries and stick to them because his behavior is not going to change unless it is challenged. Perhaps say something to him like that you are having problems with your relationship that are leading to consider withdrawing for your relationship and then discuss ways that those problems can be resolved and what will happen if they are not resolved. You may want to consider first speaking with a Christian marriage counselor by yourself to help talk you through some of the problem that you having with your relationship.

 

[DaisyDay]

If he has any violent tendencies whatsoever, then don't take any chances being alone with him before or after breaking up.

 

[alexpatt]

That sounds definitely concerning and abusive. It's likely that he's got some mental issues himself and you should support him in seeking help.

However, always look out for yourself. Mental abuse can crush you for years, no matter how much you love him.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

Everything seems fine until it isn’t.

He’s attentive, kind, buys me food, buys me presents, and says he loves me. He texts me all the time and calls me multiple times a day just to tell me how much he cares. He heats up the car so when I get in, it’s warm. He drives me everywhere because I don’t have a license. He buys presents for my sisters and begs to spend time with my family. The moment I’m upset, he’s there. And it’s all fine until he starts screaming at me.

And saying that if I ever cheat on him he’ll tell a series of lies to my family, and I quote, “ruin my life” and make me “as miserable as possible”. It’s fine until he tells me that the stress I put on him makes him throw up blood, and that being with me and knowing that I’ve had boyfriends other than him is “complete torture” and “makes him want to die”. Or the comments he makes about who I am, claiming that he’s made “no comment on my character”, when he knows he has.

Nobody has ever made me feel so good about myself. On the flip side, nobody has ever made me feel worse. I don’t know if I’m delusional or he is. I don’t know where I am or what I am doing. What is real and what isn’t. It’s my fourth year in this cycle with him, breaking up and getting back together. Loving him endlessly and wishing, more than anything in the world, that I could run away from him. Is it me? Is it him? What do I do?

run from him and don't look back.

 

[HarrisJoel]

That isn't love. Its coercion.

Have you witnessed the behavior he acknowledged? Have you seen him throwing up blood or falling ill due to stress and anxiety? Otherwise, it's gaslighting. Plain and simple. His discomfort about your previous attachments is unhealthy. He knew going in he wasn't the only one. If that's too troubling the mature response is avoidance.

Punishing you because you've engaged with other men is unloving and abnormal too.

I saw these lines and it echoed in my soul. I have a cousin who has been in a similar relationship for three years. But we have a close-knit family and we were able to protect her from her partner then. Yes, it always starts out as a sweet fairy tale, but the nuances will arise sooner or later. Old people say this .. "If something seems to you, then it does not seem to you." Listen to your intuition and get out of this circle.

 

[Tone]

" "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part."

If the knots ever tied in my life, I think I'll add "in toxicity and in wholeness, within the boundaries and without..."

I believe some of these terms have been blown out of proportion and used to clog the pores of growth, so to speak.


Not that I believe this is the case with the OP, but just something to note.

 

[ripple the car]

Everything seems fine until it isn’t.

He’s attentive, kind, buys me food, buys me presents, and says he loves me. He texts me all the time and calls me multiple times a day just to tell me how much he cares. He heats up the car so when I get in, it’s warm. He drives me everywhere because I don’t have a license. He buys presents for my sisters and begs to spend time with my family. The moment I’m upset, he’s there. And it’s all fine until he starts screaming at me.

And saying that if I ever cheat on him he’ll tell a series of lies to my family, and I quote, “ruin my life” and make me “as miserable as possible”. It’s fine until he tells me that the stress I put on him makes him throw up blood, and that being with me and knowing that I’ve had boyfriends other than him is “complete torture” and “makes him want to die”. Or the comments he makes about who I am, claiming that he’s made “no comment on my character”, when he knows he has.

Nobody has ever made me feel so good about myself. On the flip side, nobody has ever made me feel worse. I don’t know if I’m delusional or he is. I don’t know where I am or what I am doing. What is real and what isn’t. It’s my fourth year in this cycle with him, breaking up and getting back together. Loving him endlessly and wishing, more than anything in the world, that I could run away from him. Is it me? Is it him? What do I do?

You need to dump this guy. His behavior is unhealthy, scary, and not normal.

 

[bèlla]

I saw these lines and it echoed in my soul. I have a cousin who has been in a similar relationship for three years. But we have a close-knit family and we were able to protect her from her partner then.

Your cousin is blessed to have a tight knit family. Mine is the same. They’re part of my vetting process and I rely on their honesty and wisdom. Some connections are damaging to our heart and spirit. Parting is the best solution. Hopefully, we discover the truth before marriage.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[Daniel Marsh]

read to here

 

[Sketcher]

Everything seems fine until it isn’t.

He’s attentive, kind, buys me food, buys me presents, and says he loves me. He texts me all the time and calls me multiple times a day just to tell me how much he cares. He heats up the car so when I get in, it’s warm. He drives me everywhere because I don’t have a license. He buys presents for my sisters and begs to spend time with my family. The moment I’m upset, he’s there. And it’s all fine until he starts screaming at me.

And saying that if I ever cheat on him he’ll tell a series of lies to my family, and I quote, “ruin my life” and make me “as miserable as possible”. It’s fine until he tells me that the stress I put on him makes him throw up blood, and that being with me and knowing that I’ve had boyfriends other than him is “complete torture” and “makes him want to die”. Or the comments he makes about who I am, claiming that he’s made “no comment on my character”, when he knows he has.

Nobody has ever made me feel so good about myself. On the flip side, nobody has ever made me feel worse. I don’t know if I’m delusional or he is. I don’t know where I am or what I am doing. What is real and what isn’t. It’s my fourth year in this cycle with him, breaking up and getting back together. Loving him endlessly and wishing, more than anything in the world, that I could run away from him. Is it me? Is it him? What do I do?

I don't know if something happened to him before he met you to precipitate or exacerbate this, but 4 years with you has not fixed it. He has deep insecurity and part of his reaction to that insecurity is abusive toward you. When he lashes out, he may see you as a threat to himself (hence the "if you cheat, I'll ruin you" threats). And yet, there's stuff you mentioned her that you have to take responsibility for. You have no license, so you depend on him. You love him, so you put up with this stuff.

If you leave him, you can expect his "cheating contingency plan" to go in full effect. Don't cheat on him, but do prepare so that nothing he will say will have its intended effect on your family and friends. Have your own plan for getting away from him that stymies his intended retribution. And make it clear that you can't put up with his mistreatment anymore again, ever.

 

[Jesusfann777888]

Everything seems fine until it isn’t.

He’s attentive, kind, buys me food, buys me presents, and says he loves me. He texts me all the time and calls me multiple times a day just to tell me how much he cares. He heats up the car so when I get in, it’s warm. He drives me everywhere because I don’t have a license. He buys presents for my sisters and begs to spend time with my family. The moment I’m upset, he’s there. And it’s all fine until he starts screaming at me.

And saying that if I ever cheat on him he’ll tell a series of lies to my family, and I quote, “ruin my life” and make me “as miserable as possible”. It’s fine until he tells me that the stress I put on him makes him throw up blood, and that being with me and knowing that I’ve had boyfriends other than him is “complete torture” and “makes him want to die”. Or the comments he makes about who I am, claiming that he’s made “no comment on my character”, when he knows he has.

Nobody has ever made me feel so good about myself. On the flip side, nobody has ever made me feel worse. I don’t know if I’m delusional or he is. I don’t know where I am or what I am doing. What is real and what isn’t. It’s my fourth year in this cycle with him, breaking up and getting back together. Loving him endlessly and wishing, more than anything in the world, that I could run away from him. Is it me? Is it him? What do I do?

1.) These situation's need to be evaluated properly, because they stem from abuse and they are either the result of someone who has difficulty managing their emotion's or their concept of relationShip's because of what they have expierienced, or because they are manipulative.

1.) If this person is doing everything for you and then flip's-Script, it could be:

1.) That this person is trying to lure you after being nice to you to recondition you by abusing you, so they can dominate a person they want to have sex with. That's a major red flag and unless you wan't to be fifty married to a man who drag's you to hell and back then you better find out who he is and why he's doing it.

if he's unaware, you can test the nature of his personality by trying to attempt to communicate with him that you won't tolerate him telling at you.

Because he has said he would "lie" about you, he's an abuser. The kindness is a facade and he's a dishonest person trying to sweeten you up and then break your back to emotionally destroy you so he can trap you. let me make this easy for you so you can see past the nice guy phony act:

Stay away from this person or your life is going to be ruined.

 

[Northwest.]

He has mental health issues and needs to seek a psychiatrist. I recommend that you leave the relationship to protect your emotional and physical health before your story becomes the new episode on True Crime. God forbid!