Relationship Advice

[Kaela134]

I have been dating this wonderful guy for about three months. We went to high school together and sort of dated off and on throughout. However my parents wouldn't allow me to date him in high school because they felt as if I wasn't ready to make that kind of decision. Well I am now 20 years old; a junior in college and I have decided to date him once more (now after two years without seeing him.) He is the kind of person I have always prayed for God to place in my life. I have never been happier and I honestly feel that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Being that I am an adult, I felt as if I am able to make wise decisions about who I choose to date. I decided that for this relationship to be real, I needed to inform my parents.

I took my parents aside one night to talk to them about my relationship. See ..the issue here is that I am white and my boyfriend is black. My parents at first seemed like they were willing to give my relationship some thought, but after a couple days they were completely against it. I live in a small southern town where predudices and racism still exist. My parents however didn't raise me to judge people by thier skin color. But after lots of thought they don't believe that I am doing the right thing. I have explained to them that I feel it is God's will for me to be with him and that I feel God has answered my prayers. I don't feel that it is right for me to pray for God to send me a good christian man and when he does I pass it up. What would God think if I just said well...you gave me the right guy, but unfortunally he didn't come in the right color?

My parents view is that they don't believe God would send me someone that would completely destroy my family. Although my parents could deal with the relationship, my grandparents are a completely different story. My parents are afraid something like this would ruin my grandparetns lives, it could cause them serious stress, health issues and ruin some of the friendships my grandparents have had for years. It might even ruin my parents relationship with my grandparents if they allow me to date him.

So to make this short.. I am being forced to choose between my family and the love of my life. I have prayed about this for so long and I don't feel as if I know what to do. What is the Christian thing to do? I don't want to live with regret the rest of my life for losing the person I love the most, but at the same time I don't want to be responsible for making other peoples lives miserable! I am an adult and I feel that I should be living the life that best for me... but I just need some other people's thoughts on this. Please pray for me!

thanks-

 

[intricatic]

That's a tough one... I'll definitely keep you in prayers.

If you really like the guy, I'd say there's bound to be a way to make it work, but I'm not sure what that would be. :o

 

[Ceris]

Hi Kaela,

Wow . . . very tough situation. I can understand some of what you are going through as I am white (as you can tell from my picture) and my girlfriend of two years is black. As I live in California, we have not experienced too much prejudice when it comes to our relationship. However we have experienced some of it. There was some hesitancy on both sides of the family for various reasons, but after 2 years we've managed to work through a lot of it - there were definately some tough times though.

If this were something other than skin color, I would say maybe you should step back and think about it - especially if your parents had some valid concerns about the guy you're dating. However, I do not feel that racial prejudice is a valid concern.

Will this cause conflict - oh yes! Lots and lots of it. However know this - your grandparents choice on how they react to the man you're daiting is their decision. You are in NO WAY responsible for their choices or their actions - espeacially when it comes to racial prejudice. Fortunately I have not really experienced this in my family, but if my grandparents reacted in such a way towards my girlfriend, I would tell them that they are acting in a HIGHLY unChristian manner (and since all of my grandparents claim to be followers of Christ, this would be a true criticism).

Perhaps you can ask your parents (in a non-accusative manner) if they feel that it is God's will that your grandparents' racial prejudice dictate which man you spend time with?

Please do not let fear of your grandparents' actions keep you from this man you are dating - especially since it simply has to do with his melanin density. If they had a valid concern about something like his actions or his character, I might say that you should listen with an open mind.

But since the granparents are racially biased in this manner - I say if they don't like that he's black - tough.

That's their problem, not yours.

 

[peanutbutter12]

I agree with Ceris. You're in a very difficult position that could very much turn to the benefit of both you and the rest of your family. The one thing is, don't expect this to be an over night thing. This is the type of issue that could very well take years to resolve. But in the end, it could also mean saving your family from racial prejuidism as well.

I would sit back down with your parents as well. Explain to them not only that you love him, but give them valid reasons as to why. Ask them to allow him to come over so he can talk with them as well. They need to understand that skin colour is just that and nothing else.

CJ