Regaining your husband's full attention

[Serendipity7]

In the recent past my husband formed quite close attachments or friendships with two unmarried ladies at our church. I felt he was neglecting me to talk to them and be with them at the cell group meetings and so on. I feel totally excluded in these friendships and don't even think those ladies like me very much in any case.

He kept maintaining that these friendships were innocent, as he felt men and women could remain friends and that as long as no sex was involved, he was doing nothing wrong.

Although he has promised to be more sensitive to my feelings, I still get the feeling that he's still emotionally attached to them. This morning I said something and he turned on me and said he wouldn't allow me to say that about 'his buddy.' This seems to confirm that he is probably more loyal towards them than he is to me.

I would like to add that we're both middle-aged but physically active people. I would really like your advice on the topic- how does one solve this problem?

 

[madison1101]

I would ask the Pastor for marital counseling and discuss this with him/her. Your husband's attention toward these ladies could be trouble. I had a friend at church that my husband became close to and it almost destroyed our marriage. There was nothing physical, but the pastor let him have it when we met. My marriage eventually did end, but years after this incident. The friendship also ended.

 

[Serendipity7]

My gut feeling also tells me that it mean strouble when suddenly you become aware that other women are playing a bigger role in your marriage than you would like.

Of course, my husband denies this but the recurrence of his iinterest in this and other ladies tells me that his focus is no longer only on me.

This realisation fills me with deep sadness as he's made so many promises to change, that I feel he never actually intended what he said.

Thanks for the advice, I'll certainly follow it up.

 

[covenantwmn]

Definitely get Biblical counseling, don't wait. That's how things start, with friendship, can quickly turn to something else. I pray the Lord will minister to you both and bless your marriage.

 

[Serendipity7]

Definitely get Biblical counseling, don't wait. That's how things start, with friendship, can quickly turn to something else. I pray the Lord will minister to you both and bless your marriage.

Thank you. Your kind words and good wishes are much appreciated. Plaese pray for me, my marriage used to be so wonderful, but lately it seems that it's being tested to the limit!

 

[ReluctantProphet]

If you want to be loved, be that which is loved.

But beware of the deceptive serpent of pretence. To pretend to be what you are not is to surround yourself with those who love what you are not.

What man truly loves a suspicious and jealous woman? What woman truly loves her husband and has no faith in him?

Do unto others... This first sin is of the heart.

 

[tapero]

Serendipity, I believe that a woman and a man should feel secure in a marriage and that comes from trust. I don't think a husband should have female friends nor a wife male friends. It is just inappropriate unless the husband and wife feel absolute peace about it.

God is a jealous God, and so jealousy comes when what's not right comes into play.

He allowed us to have these feelings.

I pray for you and your husband; I pray he may see the need for your security and peace of mind. God bless you, Tapero

 

[marooyce]

Be kind to your husband.

 

[Serendipity7]

Just a quick update. After going for pastoral counselling, I gained a lot more insight into what's going on between my husband and myself. I decided to have a heart-to-heart discussion with my husband and he finally admitted that he kept on with those friendships because of the admiration he received from those ladies. He rationalised it by saying, he thought it was good for our marriage because those friendships made him feel more complete and good about himself.

When I asked him again where I had fallen short he said he had always thought we were very happily married and it had nothing to do with me. It sounds perfectly harmless, but I think what he was doing was quite selfish and shortsighted because I could see that those ladies were flirting with him while he was going out of his way to talk to them and be with them. At least, now, he can no longer declare that what he was doing was harmless, I think it was like an addiction he just could never get enough female attention.

I think his eyes are now opened to what he was actually doing; he can no longer deny his true motives for being so friendly towards those ladies. In the beginning he might have felt sorry for them, but soon it developed into a reciprocal need for each others' company.

I'm giving this update in detail so that someone else who's in a similar situation might be helped by my experience.


Maybe the truth will bring the healing I need, and hopefully the restoration of my peace of mind as well as my faith in my husband. I think I have been kind to him , but he needed some tough love as well, as far as being made to see the consequences of his actions which were probably driven by a need deriving from a midlife crisis.

On the positive side my husband has assured me that he's committed to making our relationship work and to avoid the mistakes of the past. I'm willing to give him a chance to show that he really means it , to be a loving and supportive wife as well, but I'm also keeping my options open if he doesn't keep his side of the bargain, and he knows it.

 

[Anti Existance]

I would flush his head into holy water until he realises that the number 1 woman in his life should be you. From life experience , man + woman as friends = impossible.

He'd probably would love to eat biscuits with these woman if you know what i mean. Definitly make an ultimatum, or those woman out of his life, or you out of his life. , show him who's boss.

 

[Serendipity7]

I would flush his head into holy water until he realises that the number 1 woman in his life should be you. From life experience , man + woman as friends = impossible.

He'd probably would love to eat biscuits with these woman if you know what i mean. Definitly make an ultimatum, or those woman out of his life, or you out of his life. , show him who's boss.

I like your candid reply. Do you think men become so blinded by the attention they get from other females taht they lose sight of what's right and wrong?

 

[UnitynLove]

What do you really want from your husband?? And is he really after these other women or is he looking for attention? Are you affraid that he will leave you for another woman?

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[eieiowe61]

I think my husband might be in the same boat (liking female attention), but I think it's all a self-esteem issue.

Glad to hear his eyes have been opened - and may God continue to work on his heart!

 

[Anti Existance]

I like your candid reply. Do you think men become so blinded by the attention they get from other females taht they lose sight of what's right and wrong?

Any man would, and its only natural. If you want to keep your guy you should fight for it. If he's not worth it... well, he's your hubby for heavens sake.

 

[Serendipity7]

Thanks for your more than kind words and all the wise advice without which I would not have been able to cope. As I said before I have no illusions about what could happen, but at least now I've heard it all before and my husband can no longer go back to protesting his complete innocence.


Hopefully this has really been a wake-up call for my husband because he should realise what can happen if he tries anything similar again.


Perhaps I'm also too afraid to leave him because of the uncertainty it will bring about my future and the shock it will be for my three children. Having said that, I won't allow him ever again to walk all over me with smooth-sounding excuses. I think he realises that, because his attitude towards me still looks more loving than before. I hope it's a genuine feeling that he's projecting and not some new trick to calm me down.

I'll still have to work on my doubts, the unpleasant memories that recur from time to time and also my anxiety for the future. I'll keep praying that my calmness and peace of mind will be wholly restored and that my marriage can be made whole once more.