Red flags in dating relationships.

[LovebirdsFlying]

Can't post this in Singles. I'm married. Don't want to post it in Married, because singles can maybe benefit from the information more than married people can. So, here it is where everybody can answer.

What are some ways you can tell that the person you've begun to date isn't the one meant for you? Please note, I'm going to post from a female perspective, so I'll be talking about "he." It's not meant as a jab at men. Women are equally capable of unhealthy or wrong behavior.

Some of these I have gleaned from the internet. Many are my own experience. Either I missed the red flag, and ended up in a bad relationship, or I caught it in time, and avoided one.

• (Missed this one.) The way he talks to the characters on television or in movies. Every woman who appears on screen is subject to his instant and thorough evaluation of her personal attractiveness. "Mmmm, mmm!" Or, "Get off the screen, ya (flat-chested) broad!" He was letting me know in plain terms, to him women were objects that existed for his visual and sexual pleasure, and nothing else. Do you think he respected me as a person? Nope.
• The only kind of place he ever wants to go on a date is a bar or a nightclub, or some other establishment where the focus is alcohol. No such thing as a movie, or a walk along the beach. This signals that HIS focus is alcohol, not you.
• He's a mama's boy. Maybe he even still lives with her, and she does all his cooking and cleaning for him even though he's well into his 30's or 40's. You will never measure up. You will always be second place.
• He moves too fast. You only met yesterday, but he's already saying "I love you," calling you "baby," and wanting to get you into bed. Yeah, and he'll keep right on loving you, until he gets what he wants.
• He only wants to be with you when nobody else is around. If he steadfastly refuses to introduce you to friends or family, you probably aren't the only pond he's fishing in. He's afraid somebody is going to let something slip. Like to his wife.
• If the phone rings, he grabs it real quick before you can see the caller ID (or takes it into the other room) and then pulls the "it's my boss, gotta go" routine, then chances are he's also telling the other woman the same thing when you call.

And the biggest one I personally missed:

• He finds out that something terribly frightens or upsets you, so he goes out of his way to do that particular thing, and laughs at your reaction. For example, he learns that you're afraid of snakes, so when he catches one in the back yard, he sneaks up behind you with it because he thinks it's funny to watch you scream and hyperventilate. That is NOT a sign of love.

Please feel free to add to the list.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Gentlemen, do you have any to add from the other perspective?

I think my husband might say, based on his experience:

• Catching them in a lie is always a deal-breaker. If they'll lie about little things, what else will they lie about?
• Irresponsible financial habits. If they either aren't working, or are spending the money on fun rather than paying the bills that are piling up, they aren't mature enough for a relationship.

 

[Inkachu]

I can't believe someone did that to you, Lovebirds...that thing with the snake. That is just heartless.

 

[Thunder Peel]

I don't have a lot of dating experience but one thing I noticed is that it's usually a red flag when someone refuses to define the relationship. My ex and I were both dating but she never referred to me as her boyfriend or wanted to put any kind of label on the actual relationship. I thought that was a bit odd at the time but I just went with it and eventually I got dumped for someone else. If someone isn't willing to commit completely to you and to progress in the relationship by your side then there's a good chance they're either looking to play the field or they're afraid of commitment.

 

[Mr Dave]

She wants to move really quickly (no I'm not a commitment phobe, after 3 months she was complaining that we weren't engaged). She'd found someone who her parents liked and with their approval just wanted to be the youngest person from her home context to get married to be able to say that, not the right reasons at all.

 

[Maka]

I can't think of any right now, but I agree with the ones that have been posted so far.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

It's been my experience that if the family can't stand you, for whatever reason, whether they're right or wrong, it's not going to get better. They will interfere. It's not worth the trouble.

 

[Keri]

I don't have a lot of dating experience but one thing I noticed is that it's usually a red flag when someone refuses to define the relationship. My ex and I were both dating but she never referred to me as her boyfriend or wanted to put any kind of label on the actual relationship. I thought that was a bit odd at the time but I just went with it and eventually I got dumped for someone else. If someone isn't willing to commit completely to you and to progress in the relationship by your side then there's a good chance they're either looking to play the field or they're afraid of commitment.

This one is pretty big. I can understand not rushing into labels but after a certain amount of time/dates there should be some sort of definition if you feel the same way about each other.


Some red flags for me are:
-Can't keep their word. "Yes, I'll do that." They never do...
-Inability to decide if they want to be in a relationship. Breaking things on and off.
-When things are long distant, cutting off communication for long periods of time.
-When they don't make time to spend time with you.
-Refusal to work/further education/strive toward goals.
-No outdoor hobbies/interests. I can't handle someone who refuses to leave the house/enjoy nature/participate in a sport/have adventures.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Not that it matters anymore cuz I'm married, but...

-not a Christian
-is a political conservative
-liar
-family hates me
-grudge holder
-bratty
-racist/homophobe
-no desire to better one's self
-no goals
-can't stop texting me for 2 seconds

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Good advice from everyone so far.

Here are some I picked up on in time.

• One man invited me, I was not being nosy, to read his journal. I was horrified by the violence in his thoughts and attitudes! His language was absolutely foul, and when he recorded being angry at someone, his revenge fantasies were so graphic it was sickening. Not only this, but I noticed his handwriting was extremely messy. We don't all have beautiful penmanship, I know that, but his slant was going all over the place even within the same word, instead of leaning in any general direction. It wasn't merely // ||| \\ ||| but more like \(|/)|/, plus a lot of smudges and blotches. It looked to me like mental instability. Combine all of these things with having learned my lesson from the way the earlier guy talked to the people he watched on television--this guy did it too, with a heavy dose of profanity--and I didn't stick around.
• My first date with another guy, he got very angry with a store clerk because they were out of his particular brand of chewing tobacco. He would not tolerate a different brand, or another variety of the same brand. How dare they run out of the exact kind he wanted? Then when I tried to buy cigarettes (I still smoked at the time, but no longer do) he wouldn't allow me. "Nuh-uh. If I gotta suffer, you gotta suffer." That was the last I saw of him.
• Yet another man seemed to have no personality of his own. Instead, he echoed my mannerisms and speech patters down to the smallest detail. Hubby and I find that we mirror each other a lot, sit the same way or say the same thing at the same time, but we're not doing it intentionally, and it's almost never an exact duplication. We're still individuals, but we're just that compatible. When it's obvious the guy is imitating me on purpose, I find it creepy.

 

[Inkachu]

Anytime the relationship is "out of sync" in any way (where both parties aren't on the same page in some serious issue; relationship status, mutual feelings, goals... RED FLAGS. When God's in it, things move naturally and without force.

 

[Thunder Peel]

Nothing's more serious than someone who doesn't want to keep God first. Without God at the center of the relationship then nothing else matters or stands a chance.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Nothing's more serious than someone who doesn't want to keep God first. Without God at the center of the relationship then nothing else matters or stands a chance.

I could have posted so many things, but this ^ really takes the cake. Maybe one day I will come back and post specifics. If the person you're dating really puts God first, though, all those things I could post about - wouldn't be happening anyway.

 

[Keri]

Nothing's more serious than someone who doesn't want to keep God first. Without God at the center of the relationship then nothing else matters or stands a chance.

I don't agree. There are plenty of happy, healthy relationships amongst people who don't believe in God and amongst people with mixed beliefs (one is religious, the other is not).

It does take God being at the centre, orchestrating everything for two people to get along. Yes, it's wonderful when people can and do keep God central, but that doesn't prevent anything bad from happening.

It takes two people, who truly care about one another, who pay attention to what their partner needs and wants, and who act and love selflessly. You don't have to be religious to do these things.

 

[Cearbhall]

It's been my experience that if the family can't stand you, for whatever reason, whether they're right or wrong, it's not going to get better. They will interfere. It's not worth the trouble.

I don't have a lot of dating experience, but I'd say this also applies if the significant other isn't willing to speak to his/her family even though he/she agrees that the family is mistreating you (or if you feel you're being severely mistreated and your significant other doesn't agree).

 

[PinkSweetart]

Wow, reading all these red flags made me realize all the red flags that I wasn't seeing with the last guy I dated.

 

[Cearbhall]

Nothing's more serious than someone who doesn't want to keep God first. Without God at the center of the relationship then nothing else matters or stands a chance.

Do you feel that this applies when neither person believes in God?

 

[Thunder Peel]

Do you feel that this applies when neither person believes in God?

It's possible to have a happy relationship without God. But not a meaningful one.

 

[Cearbhall]

It's possible to have a happy relationship without God. But not a meaningful one.

So all meaning comes from a relationship with God, according to your beliefs?

(I'm not mocking that belief at all, though I disagree completely. I'm just trying to understand.)

 

[Thunder Peel]

So all meaning comes from a relationship with God, according to your beliefs?

(I'm not mocking that belief at all, though I disagree completely. I'm just trying to understand.)

If you're a follower of Christ then everything we do should be for His glory, relationships included. A non-Christian couple may have a great relationship but outside of making each other happy, what are they accomplishing? Marriage was designed by God as a symbol of His covenant with us and we in turn can use that relationship to show others the power of God's love.

If someone doesn't believe in God then a relationship is just a brief moment in time that has no eternal or moral ramifications. For me there's much more to a relationship than just making each other happy. I know you may see it differently but I'm just giving a perspective on how many Christians feel.