Rebellious against getting out

Yes, I did that. But when I was truly depressed and at the rock bottom, I was suffering so much that I had to do something. I couldn't take the pain. It was help or suicide. I wasn't in that "I don't care" zone where one feels nothing. I did feel nothing towards things I usually feel good about, but everything else felt so bad that I couldn't take it. It was mostly about anxiety with me, but still.

Anyways, I battled against getting help for long. Every thing that was suggested or even offered to me, I refused many times - only to find myself accepting said things years later. Therapy, some meds, hospitals, AA, exercise, trying to get out of my comfort zone, healthy life - I resisted with unbelievable stubbornness, and some of them even today. I only learn things the hard way, it seems.

You say that you are comfortable in being alone and miserable. You're not that miserable, then! I'm quite comfortable that way too. The flipside is that there's no physical love, that connection with another person when I'm alone, but so be it. At least I got to experience that years ago. Anyway, it comes with pros and cons, like most of the things. I do realize however that the way I live isn't exactly a choice I'm sticking to, I just tend to not try anymore. It's a comfort zone. Others just genuinely are this way, and there's certainly nothing wrong about that. It doesn't mean they're broken.

About happiness. Happiness isn't some set standard. We can find happiness in moments. To me it certainly doesn't mean a constant state of stereotypical bliss and laughter we tend to think of when talking about these things. Also, there are plenty of fake smiles and false outeriors when we look at others, thinking they're happy. I've probably been guilty of being "fake happy" too at some points in my life.

Praying and thanking Christ certainly isn't a waste. Who knows, perhaps you'll be guided towards something else too in time. Music has always been a "catalyst" for me with spiritual things. Oftentimes just reading the Bible alone and praying with an honest heart. Sometimes other people, even some people on thee forums. I may close my heart at times but God seems to find a way back every time. I find that very comforting, because it's not what I can do, but what He can do. It's in those little moments when I regain some strength in my faith after long periods of almost nothing, and it's always with love and comfort.

Tempura was far more eloquent than I could hope to be, but yes, it's pretty common for those with mental illnesses to resist help, for no reason other than distorted judgment. For me, there were periods where I was convinced that I was perfectly fine and didn't need help (I wasn't) and periods where I felt it was useless to try because everything was hopeless (it wasn't). For the times when my friends' efforts and/or hospitalizations didn't kickstart me into treatment, I ultimately had to force myself to get some manner of help.

Tempura said:

Praying and thanking Christ certainly isn't a waste. Who knows, perhaps you'll be guided towards something else too in time. Music has always been a "catalyst" for me with spiritual things. Oftentimes just reading the Bible alone and praying with an honest heart. Sometimes other people, even some people on thee forums. I may close my heart at times but God seems to find a way back every time. I find that very comforting, because it's not what I can do, but what He can do. It's in those little moments when I regain some strength in my faith after long periods of almost nothing, and it's always with love and comfort.

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Well put.