Reason for Divorce?

[Mr Wesley]

I'm still relatively new, but I've been surfing these boards for a number of weeks now. I've read the horror stories in this forum about how one spouse is mistreating another, and the advice given is sometimes to get out of the relationship.

My church believes (and this is a belief that I held before I ever started attending) is that the only biblical justification for divorce is adultery or marital infidelity of some sort.

In the Old Testament it was easy. All you had to do was hand your partner a piece of paper that said, "Thanks for the good times, good luck on future endeavors," and that was it. But in the Sermon on the Mount--and Paul backed this up in his epistles--Jesus taught the only valid reason for divorcing your mate was adultery.

Physical and mental abuse are terrible things, and I wouldn't wish them on anybody. But, does an abusive relationship justify leaving your spouse. Can there be any biblical justification for divorce other than adultery?

EDIT: I've noticed that some folks have already voted. When you vote, please explain your reasoning for voting the way you did.

 

[Flipper]

There was an interesting thread a while back about whether God wants us to be happy. I think the answer ended up being a resounding "not necessarily" in that God wants us to be obedient.

In light of some of the abuse threads I've been seeing, I want to ask the question: Does God want us to be safe from physical harm?

 

[Lorie]

God does not want us to be stupid. If you are in danger then you need to get away from that person. that includes a spouse. And if there are kids then you have an even bigger responsibility to get away!

I know this couple that got married he was a recovering drug user and everything seemed like it was going great. they attended church 2 or 3 times a week. the husband was baptised after they got married.

BUT little did we know that he would get abusive with her at home. and he asked for another chance and he prayed....

then one night he stabbed her 20 times. she survived but u tell me does she have the right to divorce this nut?

 

[mostie]

I think that God has given us common sense enough to know that if things are so bad at home between spoused that it not only affects the husband and the wife in a truly negative way, but the children as well....it's time to admit defeat and get out of the situation. Just like the poster above who stated something about 20 knife wounds, well ok- maybe it ISN'T adultery, but geez....what else could the woman do?

Ive discovered that a lot of times, the people who are so adament that adultery is the only excuse to get a divorce, are either a.) not married, or b.)married but in a good marriage---they are seldom divorced, but here's a really funny thing ive noticed: christians and some ministers who will fire up on divorce as being wrong, but then they all of a sudden find themselves in the big fat middle of a divorce....and how that tune changes- then all of a sudden, you hear other reasons why it is ok to divorce- in a perfect world, this wouldn't happen- there would be no divorce. But alas, we aren't in a perfect world, nor are we perfect people. We're human beings with human failings.....thankfully, we have a merciful, understanding God.

 

[Mr Wesley]

Okay, I see what everybody is saying, but does anyone have any biblical evidence? I agree completely that a battered or otherwise abused spouse should definitely get out of a bad situation, but does that justify divorce, or should it be handled differently.

Every time I hear about a divorce over, say, "Irreconcilable Differences," I remember a friend back in college. His mom was a believer, but his dad wasn't and was an alchoholic. She couldn't be in the house anymore, so she left, took the kids and moved in with her sister's family in a different state. But she didn't divorce him, because she thought it was unbiblical. Instead she prayed for him everyday, and prayed for the marriage.

About five years later he finally answered God's call in his life, he got sober and straightened his life out. They reconciled and restarted their marriage, and it's been great for ten years now.

So I'm not saying that a person should stay in an abusive relationship, and I'm not saying that divorce is an unforgivable sin. But I am asking what truly biblical justifications there are for divorce under the new covenant.

 

[jd032700]

I voted no. I may get slammed for this, but I don't believe there are any biblical reasons for divorce.

Physical abuse or any kind of abuse is deplorable and I don't necessarily believe that a person who is being abused should live with the abuser, but I still don't think divorce should be an option. The marriage vow, is just that, a vow; a promise to God that you will be married to this person the rest of your life. Two people become one flesh, not just in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense as well, and that doesn't suddenly change with the signing of divorce papers. I site the example given above as a reason to stay married to someone despite horrible situations. God can and will work miracles in His time, not necessarily ours.

I know that there are a couple of verses about divorce and adultury that people use to justify divorce. They are very debated and I'm not really sure where I stand on that. However, even in the case of adultury, I do not believe that remarriage after a divorce is biblical.

I do fit into one of the above catagories of people who do not believe in divorce. i.e. I am happily married and have never been divorced. However, I have seen abuse, adultury, and divorce in my own family. Divorce doesn't make everything better. Most of the time it just complicates an already difficult situation.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Living Stone]

Harlotry (aka fornication) or adultery is what Jesus permitted one to put away a spouse for.

Thats the facts regardless of what we're told.
Jesus said it himself and thats good enough for me.
That the KJV went with ''fornication'' and some have decided that the word there means something other than harlotry is irrelevant.

It means what it means no matter what twist some churches put on it.

 

[Living Stone]

Divorce doesn't make everything better. Most of the time it just complicates an already difficult situation.

Easy to say if you have a decent spouse.
If he starts beating and raping you at some point you may decide that divorce is a blessing.

 

[InTheFlame]

OK, I'm getting your point here. Divorce, as opposed to leaving.

At first, I had the impression you were asking about leaving your spouse - which I would understand to mean removing myself from his vicinity/influence. I would probably do this in any situation where my spouse was engaging in behaviour that was severely harmful to his spiritual well-being and somebody else's in the family - eg. my physical/emotional well-being or a child's. Not just for my benefit, but for his - he then has a chance to realise that not only is his behaviour wrong, but it has painful consequences. And it gives him a CHOICE whether to change or not.

As for divorce... I haven't been in a situation where I've been married and considering divorce. I DO think that ideally, marriage is a lifelong commitment, plain and simple, and that a door should always be open for return to a Godly marriage relationship.

Jesus and Paul allowed for two situations, didn't they...

1. Adultery
2. The spouse wishes to leave the marriage. (Paul says this is for those married to 'unbelievers' ... I suspect that a person determined to leave their marriage could maybe, many times, be classified as an unbeliever despite their professed beliefs... hmmm...)

 

[Svt4Him]

Yes there are. But let me first ask, if your spouse leaves you, do you have grounds? What if they weren't Christian? What if your spouse dies, are you still married?

God in the OT is exactly the same as the God in the NT. So perhaps the reading to our western minds may be a bit different. When Jesus was talking about adultary, He immediately went into remarriage, and it is my belief that leaving your spouse for another is always wrong, and again I believe the story fits this belief. Why do I think this? Well, if divorce is always wrong, why did God command some people to get a divorce? They weren't being unfaithful, so how can it be right with God one day, wrong another?

Also, having a friend who was killed on her door while her three kids slept, by her ex (who is now in jail), made me realize that it's really nice to bury your head in the sand and say everything's going to be alright, until you are in that situation.

Finally I had a Jewish teacher explain when Jesus was talking about divorce, He was talking about taking care of the women in a divorce. I have asked in the Jewish community to explain that a bit better, but until anyone can give me answers to my different views, I will not take a hard stance on 'divorce is sin' as I no longer believe it is.

 

[Katydid]

1 Corinthians 7:15

But if an unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believinge man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

Not quite laid down there easy, but here you go.

If you are being abused, then you are married to an unbeliever. I see that as justification to at least leave. Divorce can come later, after the spouse has gotten counseling etc. You know the Jews have one thing that many Christians don't seem to have, and that is the idea that no commandment outweighs life. Basically, if you have to break a commandment to protect life, then you can and it is justified. How can we be obedient and witnesses for God if we are killed? So life itself, takes precedence.

 

[bliz]

1 Corinthians 7:15

If you are being abused, then you are married to an unbeliever.

Katydid - you should have gone to bed earlier last night! CHristians can't be abusive? What other sins are Christians incapable of commiting?

The awful truth is that CHristians continue to sin, sometimes in the most horrible ways. I'm not suggesting that it's acceptable and should be tolerated or that anyone should remain in an abusive situation. Not at all! But All Christians continue to sin and some of us will be abusive.

We can't redefine "Christian" to exclude behaviors we don't like.

 

[Katydid]

Katydid - you should have gone to bed earlier last night! CHristians can't be abusive? What other sins are Christians incapable of commiting?

OK I should have specified, if you are a believer, then at least you have to answer to someone, namely Christ. If someone points out that you are abusive, then as a Christian, you should try to get help. Personally, I feel that the abusers to worry about more ARE the non-believers as they have no fear of crossing a line, that a Christian would fear. Does that make more sense? I don't know, I just got done going through 30 spelling words and 50 states and capitals with my son, so forgive my incomprehendable dribble.

 

[searle29678]

I agree with the previous poster about letting the unbeliever go. If my husband is unhappy with me and wants to leave and will not hear my reasons to stay, then all I can do is pray. He won't respond to God now and he probably wouldn't then. Since my husband is happy with me, no matter how much I want to divorce him sometimes and no matter how badly I feel I am being treated it is not a reason for divorce. Separation, yes. Giving ourselves time apart to work things out but not permanantly separating is fine. If you want to go by biblical reasons, I don't believe there is any other reason than adultery to outright divorce.

 

[Kentucky_Girl]

Adultery is a reason for divorce but it does not always have to be the result.. As for the other things I do not think that divorce is nessecarily a good thing. A separation and couseling should always be tried before divorce becomes an option.

 

[Mirelys]

I think one more "good reason" is to protect the children from emotional damage. At least in this state, custody agreements are not taken seriously if the parents are only separated, even if the agreement is made in court. Because of this, my dad could keep my sister and I for weeks longer than he should have, with no consequences. He often threatened to make us live with him, since Mom couldn't do anything about it. We were quite relieved when he finally demanded a divorce (after five years) and there were set rules.

 

[Flipper]

There are some victims of abuse that feel their only way to escape and be safe is to move to another state and have their name legally changed. I don't know if they can do that while they are still married.

 

[Living Stone]

Katydid - you should have gone to bed earlier last night! CHristians can't be abusive? What other sins are Christians incapable of commiting?

The awful truth is that CHristians continue to sin, sometimes in the most horrible ways. I'm not suggesting that it's acceptable and should be tolerated or that anyone should remain in an abusive situation. Not at all! But All Christians continue to sin and some of us will be abusive.

We can't redefine "Christian" to exclude behaviors we don't like.

We dont have to redefine.
Jesus said we will know them by thier fruits.

Everyone one gets upset from time to time.
Even christians.

but a man who purposely, repetitiously strikes or abuses his mate, or anyone for that matter, well, Im not afraid to be the one to speak out and say they are of their father the devil.

Christians dont continue in that type of sin.

We're not talking about a man who slips occasionally here.
we're talking about someone who has made a conscious decision to be in direct defiance of Gods commands as to how to treat a spouse and a fellow heir in Christ.

I say it flat out and let the cards fall where they may.
A man who strikes his wife is not a christian and cannot be by the very definition of what a chistian is.

"by their fruits you will know them"

and also

Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are: adultery, fornication, immorality, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, factions, envies, murders, drinking bouts, revelries, and the like; which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
(Galatians 5:19-21 EMTV)

 

[InTheFlame]

Hmmm... here's some other interesting ones...

If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timothy 5:8

I wrote to you in my epistle not to keep company with sexually immoral people. Yet I certainly did not mean with the sexually immoral people of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner--not even to eat with such a person.
1 Corinthians 5:9-11

Therefore "put away from yourselves the evil person".
1 Corinthians 5:13 (quoting from deuteronomy)

What do people think about these, in the context of what we've been talking about?

 

[Svt4Him]

And to ask again, why would God require some to get a divorce if it's always sin? Let me give a bit of info though, it wasn't because of remarriage.