Really struggling with a friendship

Hello people. I'm an 18 year old guy.
I've been raised a Christian, but never really had any close Christian guy friends until I joined college two years ago. I've met some absolutely amazing Christians at my college, and most of them went to the same church so I've moved to that church as well now. There are two Christian guys at church my age who I get on really well with, one in particular. We'll call him Jon.
We have lots in common: a passion for music (worshipping God, jamming together, songwriting, the latest Hillsong CDs etc), reading, clothes shopping, going out and having a good time. Our friendship has really grown recently and we're starting to be able to confide in each other and hold each other accountable.

However, he's quite a popular person with lots of friends, but particularly has a close circle of three other Christians who he has practically grown up with, and therefore been through everything with. He seems so close and intimate with them in a really Godly way, and they seem to know everything about each other, have endless private jokes and memories together. This is really cool, but for someone who's never known this kind of intimacy in a friendship, it hurts to hear about it. I also feel so excluded when I am with Jon and his close circle - they welcome me in sure, but I just feel so out of place and uncomfortable. They're so cliquey as a small group and often don't even realise I'm there by the way they talk to each other about things I have no idea about.

When I'm with Jon on my own we have a great time, lots to talk about, lots of laughter, and a lot of our mutual friends consider us best friends. However I know this is far from the case and he'd much prefer his other friends to me. Now this is fine and I accept that they have a long history and deep friendship, but I just feel like I'll never have this closeness with him because his other friends will always come first, and often do.

Maybe I'm jealous and crazy, but I really care about him and his well-being, and hate the idea of him upset or worried. He often doesn't share his feelings and I just wish he would with me so I could help him...but even if he were to open up, he would go to his close circle of friends first and I'll be waiting on the side again. The friendship I have with Jon is one I have never had before, and much cooler and closer than my other friendships with non-Christian guys, so I really treasure and value it. I just want it to be so much deeper, but I just feel not good enough.

Any thoughts to my rambling?

bluelime2 said:

My first off would be that you arn't rambling - I think you've raised an excellent point however my advice would be the old adage - if you love somebody set them free, then if they're truly yours they'll come back to you.

Trust me I've fallen down in this one myself, but if a friendship has any kind of strings, it can become restrictive. And when we get a really good buddy and develop a very close relationship with them, it can be like water in a desert. However having that natural need filled can also end up putting blocks in that relationship or driving them away if we don't approach it from the right perspective or make mistakes.

I've actually damaged friendships in the past because I struggled with where healthy boundry lines were supposed to be in this whole area. I either kept people too far away or I let them get too close. It meant I could get too intwined in friendships or be pushing them away.

Hope that helps.

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Thank you so much for your response.
I completely agree about the whole boundary issue with friendships - something I've battled with a lot in this particular friendship.
However, in response to your point about "if you love somebody set them free, then if they're truly yours they'll come back to you." - I'm not sure. I think if I did this, I would lose what I have with Jon. Whilst he would definitely keep up the contact, we would lose the level of intimacy that we do have at the moment. The problem is he has enough other friends that my absence would not be too big a deal, whereas it would create a huge gap in my life - the water in the desert thing as you mentioned.

I'm in a very vulnerable position because I'm happy to settle for anything - however big or small - because anything is better than nothing.