Reality check.....

[wvmtnkid]

Ok, so I am reading this book entitled "When God Writes your Love Song" (or maybe it's "'Love Story", I am not sure which right now) by Eric and Leslie Lundy. When books are mentioned in here, I try to get around to reading them to see what advice they have to offer.

Anyway, I was reading some chapters on purity last night. I'm all for purity. I think it's a good thing. The book was talking about how purity goes beyond just abstaining from having sex before you are married. That you really can't do every thing but have sex and still be pure. The authors go on to talk about how before they were married and how upset they became when they imagined their future husband/wife kissing another person that wasn't them.

I had to stop at this point and examine my own feelings at what I was reading. Now, I agreed to some point. Purity goes beyond just not having sex. But, I can't say that I am upset at the thought of my future husband having kissed someone else besides me. Having sex with someone else besides me, now that's a different story. But kissing? Maybe it's because of my age, but I really don't expect my husband not to have kissed other females.

Then I thought, maybe I am the only one that feels this way. Maybe this is a bigger thing then I realize. So, I thought I would ask my single pals in here. Are you bothered by the fact that your future husband or wife will have kissed someone else that isn't you? Why or why not?

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

Nah, doesn't bother me. Maybe my feelings will change as I explore the topic of "purity".

 

[Out of the Flames]

I really wouldn't have a problem knowing that my husband kissed other woman. I think I would actually be a little grateful that he'd had some practice. Sloppy, awkward kissing isn't a whole lot of fun...

 

[wvmtnkid]

I think I would actually be a little grateful that he'd had some practice. Sloppy, awkward kissing isn't a whole lot of fun...

 

[Misnomer]

I read the book recently and personally I think it would be nice if my future husband hadn't kissed anyone else before but it wouldn't be a deal breaker if he had.

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

Seeing my past isn't so rosey, I really wouldn't have a problem. *LOL* at OoF's sloppping kissing! I'm not sure there are any automatic good kissers. However, I don't think I'd have a problem teaching!

 

[caitlincares]

Are you bothered by the fact that your future husband or wife will have kissed someone else that isn't you? Why or why not?

Bothered? NO.
Why? I have no right to question or judge what they did before me.

Now, if they continued to do that after we were together.
That is another story ALL TOGETHER.

I have only kissed two guys: the guy I was engaged to and one other.

 

[Blank123]

I wouldn't be bothered at all if I knew I wasn't my husbands first kiss, I certainly don't intend to save kissing for marriage. sex is another story, but if God intends for me to marry someone who didn't wait for marriage then I'm sure I'd be okay with it as long as he has re-committed (or just committed for the first time, who knows?) himself to celibacy when we start going out.

 

[the_man]

Are you bothered by the fact that your future husband or wife will have kissed someone else that isn't you? Why or why not?

No. Infact I would go so far as to say I'd expect it if ours is not her first relationship. A pastor of mine and his wife did not kiss until their wedding day; to that I say...it's not for everyone.

 

[jenptcfan]

I liked that book. As with all books in that category, there were parts I related to more than others though. I would not be upset to find that my husband had kissed other girls. I fully expect him to have kissed other girls. Then again, I've kissed other guys and it wouldnt' be fair of me to expect something like that from him if I haven't held myself to the same "standard".

 

[mina]

I didn't like that book. The ludys came and spoke at my college and i dunno, i just didn't agree with their delivery of their message. But I would love to be the first person my husband has kissed, but in reality it's probably not a feasible thing. So It would not bother me if my husband had kissed others, just as long as he was kissing only me now. It would bother me and hurt me if my husband had slept around before marriage, but I would be able to forgive him if he had repented and was following and loving Jesus in the present. Purity is a beautiful and special thing, however we should not make an idol out of purity so much that we condemn those we love when they have repented and turned away from a less than pure past.

 

[Justin04]

I would actually rather her have kissed other guys besides me.

The thought of her (whoever she is) having sex with other guys before me bother me? Nope, as long as its like less then like 8 I wouldnt care. maybe i'm different then everybody else...

 

[Tuffguy]

I always feel like a ho when i read threads like this. LOL

I really can't imagine a future wife of mine not having kissed other guys. I mean, is that realistic? Sure that may be the correct difinition of purity but and attractive girl with sex drive and curiosity is gonna do some level of experimentation.

I've found that some of the best relationships i've been in are with women that have dated (not slept with) alot of guys. They know what jerks guys can be and it just makes me look that much better.

 

[Out of the Flames]

I would actually rather her have kissed other guys besides me.

The thought of her (whoever she is) having sex with other guys before me bother me? Nope, as long as its like less then like 8 I wouldnt care. maybe i'm different then everybody else...

Less than Eight?!? That's quite a few people to have slept with... I mean, people who don't come to Christ until later in life are bound to have sexual histories that overshadow other Christians, but eight is a lot even then!

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Doesn't bother me at all (mind you either does the fact they may have slept with someone other than myself) - I guess I believe that if they've repented of that sin then it's dead and buried.

I have a lot of issues with the Ludy book, and also with the Harris book. I do think they made great points, but honestly, I didn't get much out of them. I found it rather 'idealistic' and a bit removed from my reality, if I am brutally honest.

I found the boundaries series MUCH better. Had more practical, realistic ideals and things I could work on for myself, regardless of whether I had a partner or not.

Maybe the Ludy/Harris books work better for the younger generation, those who have been a bit 'sheltered' and haven't really had that much experience of the world. BTW - only my humble opinion, so don't yell at me!!

The Cloud/Townsend 'Boundaries' series work well as they don't 'talk down' to me and don't make assumptions that I haven't been in a relationship before, not been intimate with someone, etc etc. They work well for those who have 'slipped up' and those who haven't.

As for my partner and his sexual/kissing past, I put more stock in HOW those relationships developed - I'd have more of a problem if they were all 'one night stands' rather than 'long-term, invested' relationships.

Sasch

ps. All in my humble opinion, and in no means meant to flame anyone

 

[joeman1]

I have read that one and the one where they actually tell their story. to me its amazing what God can do. sometimes God does things that we say no way and he is saying yes its my will. besides were not all going to look at everything in the same way anyway.

 

[Out of the Flames]

Doesn't bother me at all (mind you either does the fact they may have slept with someone other than myself) - I guess I believe that if they've repented of that sin then it's dead and buried.

As for my partner and his sexual/kissing past, I put more stock in HOW those relationships developed - I'd have more of a problem if they were all 'one night stands' rather than 'long-term, invested' relationships.

ps. All in my humble opinion, and in no means meant to flame anyone

Great mindset- That's exactly how I like to look at it.

I'm no angel of purity myself, although my past is only a few people deep. But all those people were long term relationships and not one nighters. But they are in my past, I've repented and let it go. If someone can't deal with that and enjoy me for who I am now, then they're probably not someone I would benefit from having around.

But to me, kissing isn't even in the same ballpark as sex. I don't struggle with it as one of those things that causes me to overstep any boundaries. It's just an expression of affection and intimacy for me. Some people may not see it the same way and I respect that. Everyone knows their limits and should stay true to them instead of giving in to popular opinion.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Oh yeah - should have added that there is a MASSIVE difference (in my opinion) between sex and kissing - would have problem if casual sex had been a regular occurrence (mainly because of belief system and emotional behaviour that can develop from sexual behaviours), but casual kissing, not a problem.

Sasch

 

[KeilCoppes]

You know, I see things like this go by from time to time, and while I have a personal practice I usually don't worry about a lot of these issues up front - finding Christian single people who are commmitted to God's word between here and marriage is hard enough as it is - my challenge is meeting them first.

Someone asked me once how many children I wanted. I replied that there were a couple of steps between here and there... like meeting the girl!

[As a practical thought, though, all moral considerations aside, holding off on kissing until marriage or just before is a good way for a society to cut down on passing things around.]

 

[wvmtnkid]

First off, I wanted to set the record straight on the name of the book. It's "When God Writes Your Love Story". And I messed up their last name (as some of you guessed). It's Ludy, not Lundy.

I guess what I seem to be having the most trouble with is the whole idea of cheating on your future spouse. Now this is just my mind set, but what the person I marry does before he meets me really has no effect on me, for the most part. If he is careless and has unprotected sex and contracts some sexual disease, then yes, that would effect me in some way. Outside that though, his past will be his past, just as my past will be my past.

I guess I am having a hard time grasping this remaining true to your future spouse thing and that by having kissed someone else I haven't remained true to my future husband. Of course, I am only half way through, so maybe this will make more sense to me as I progress.