reading his e-mails

[faithnprayer]

I'm not sure if I'm looking for a flogging here or some validation.... maybe a little understanding. I have been reading my sons e-mails since he has begun to correspond with this older girl. He's a month away from 16..... she is just weeks shy of 19. It's not that I don't trust them..... it is after all just e-mails at this point. But at their age, they're like clams to parents. At least this way I have a way of knowing what he's dealing with and how he's handling those things. I have the slightest tinge of guilt..... but for the most part I don't feel bad at all.

 

[Veiled Viper]

I say,if he lives under your roof,it's your business.
You're still responsible for all his goofs until he's over 18.
So,it's best to be all up in his business!
My daughter knows I monitor all her online activity.
Tell him you read it.

 

[worldwatcher]

I agree, I also monitor my sons emails.

 

[3girls2dogs]

My husband monitors our teen daughters internet communications. He also checks out her myspace site all the time, and when he showed it to me, I wanted to cry. She portrays herself to be this person she is not.

She gets mad and says it is a violation of her privacy, but my husband tells her she has no right to privacy of that kind until she lives in her own home. She doesn't understand how she looks to the outside world when she posts promiscuity and drinking on her myspace and it has become a huge source of contention in our home. I can't help but feel like this utter failure when she advertises negatively about herself. I wanted her to have more self-respect than that.

Right now the front page of her myspace says "My dad spys on my home page and he is an ********" He told her to change it, but I don't know if she has yet.

I feel horrible about what I read from her communications, but I don't feel one iota of guilt for reading it. I had no privacy as a child, and now as an adult, I am grateful that I was forbidden to do the things that would have changed me dramatically as a person. I am glad I didn't even have the opportunity to make those sorts of decisions. The choices were taken right out of my hands by my grandparents who raised me. And when I did make bad decisions, I am glad I had to face consequences, because it stopped me from doing it again.

 

[Mela'h]

I see nothing wrong with monitoring your son's e-mails. I would monitor my son's too if I knew how! I am fortunate in that my son feels very open and connected to us, but I am not above checking his pockets and room and backpack. It's my job to know if he's getting into things that he shouldn't. Like K4G says, until he's 18 and on his own, his business is mine

 

[Veiled Viper]

Well,I have my email setup to receive hers also.So,anything she gets,I get too.

I see nothing wrong with monitoring your son's e-mails. I would monitor my son's too if I knew how! I am fortunate in that my son feels very open and connected to us, but I am not above checking his pockets and room and backpack. It's my job to know if he's getting into things that he shouldn't. Like K4G says, until he's 18 and on his own, his business is mine

 

[Linnis]

Maybe you should get a monitar program which will monitar every keystroke & keywords.

It'll send you an email if anything comes up.

 

[Christdefinesme]

You are the parent.
My girl is only almost 13. I have already informed her that as long as
she's in my house, all her personal stuff is accessable to me. Meaning, I will
most definitely give her her privacy, but if I ever feel it's necessary to read
or go through her stuff, then that's what's going to happen.
I do read most of her emails,they come through my account, I know she's
younger than your son, but I am setting this standard now, so that when
she's that age, it doesn't come as a surprise to her.
I understand you are feeling guilty, it's because you're "sneaking" without
him knowing. I wonder if you could talk with him, although, that may just
blow up the situation. Then he'll really clam up.
It's obviously not wrong for you to read your kid's emails, I think it's just hard
because you are doing it without having a previous standard set? So now,
he's expecting he has this world to himself, and then unknowingly you are
entering into this world. Hmmmmm.
I would pray about a talk with him. Pray about how to talk with him. Or if.
Sixteen is too young to be dating a 19 year old, and you not being involved
in this relationship. He doesn need privacy, but he also needs your involvment.
Keep checking his emails.

 

[Vilnius]

I'm not sure if I'm looking for a flogging here or some validation.... maybe a little understanding. I have been reading my sons e-mails since he has begun to correspond with this older girl. He's a month away from 16..... she is just weeks shy of 19. It's not that I don't trust them..... it is after all just e-mails at this point. But at their age, they're like clams to parents. At least this way I have a way of knowing what he's dealing with and how he's handling those things. I have the slightest tinge of guilt..... but for the most part I don't feel bad at all.

I would make sure I am also monitoring all his online activity. Young boys getting addicted to porn --including things like bikinni and underwear sites--has become the norm rather than the exception.

 

[Veiled Viper]

The previous poster makes a good point.

X3church.com

I use this software on our computers.If you download it,it will install itself and send emails of all questionable material viewed to 2 email addresses of your choice.
Read about it.
Tell your son or other loved ones that they are now being watched.
Tell them you will receive an email of all the junk they look at.
If they disable the service,the service will report that to you also.
This software works for me.It's a strong deterrant to looking at the wrong stuff.
There are other programs or filters out there,I've tried a few of them.
This is the latest I've tried and it helps me a great deal.

 

[rasplundjr]

Depends how you go about it. If you have to hack to do it, then it's illegal adn the feds can bust you if you're bored.

I make my son give me his passwords, and I control his password on the computer so when he's not complying I change it on him so he can't get in.

Privacy is a privledge not right for kids.

My son knows that as long as he's under my roof I have access to his room when I want, I will knock before entering and respect his privacy unless I feel something may be up, and I keep an eye on his profile onthe PC, luckily right now we dont' have internet so I don't have to worry about emails too too much, the only people that really email him are my gaming group that he is a part of, and his family so we're lucky there for now.

 

[mm1228]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you monitoring your childs e-mail and other computer activity as well as reading their notes. If I had not started doing that with my 15 year old daugther I would never have known that she was smoking and taking Adderral(AHDH drug) that was not prescribed to her as well as the physical activity (extreme petting and kissing especially in public) that she had done with her then boyfriend. My husband and I were floored when we found out but it was the best thing for her. Since then she is no longer doing those things as well as no longer seeing that young man, and she is doing much better with her attitude.

She knows that we are reading her stuff now and so do all her friends. They are all on Xanga and I have an account there as well to monitor everything that is going on in her life as well as theirs. I was very surprised as to how receptive everyone was to me being on there and I have even had some of her friends come to me with problems and ask for help.

Hang in there. I would definitely let you child know that you are monitoring the e-mail. Yes they have a right to privacy but you don't won't to teach them that it is okay to go behind peoples back either.

 

[Niamh]

If you are going to read his e-mails or monitor his online activity, I think that he should be told. If you don't tell him and he finds out, he will resent it. It will cause much more trouble and he will feel very betrayed.

 

[Estefana]

I can not believe what I am reading in this thread! Teenagers may be young and parents may be responsible, but I also think that it is important to remember that teenagers are people, not little dolls for parents to play with. I am not attacking anyone specific, just offering an opinion from a teeanger who has been that age.

I would have been INFURIATED if I found my parents doing that without my prior knolwedge. It is just like them going into your room and reading credit card statements and other private documnets. As for myspace? I hav to say, I can understand why she put it there as if my Dad was telling me what can and can't be put on mine, I'd be angry. I mean, mine is pretty much harmless - I will ever show you if you life. It is just a big teenage thing now.

 

[rasplundjr]

I can not believe what I am reading in this thread! Teenagers may be young and parents may be responsible, but I also think that it is important to remember that teenagers are people, not little dolls for parents to play with. I am not attacking anyone specific, just offering an opinion from a teeanger who has been that age.

I would have been INFURIATED if I found my parents doing that without my prior knolwedge. It is just like them going into your room and reading credit card statements and other private documnets. As for myspace? I hav to say, I can understand why she put it there as if my Dad was telling me what can and can't be put on mine, I'd be angry. I mean, mine is pretty much harmless - I will ever show you if you life. It is just a big teenage thing now.

Back when I was a kid I was really ticked when my parents did something like this, then somewhere in my 20s I understood, now in my 30s with 2 kids, I really truthfully inderstand.

we are not looking at our kids as toys to be played with. We are looking after the saftey, health and well being of our children. It's a whole point of view thing, and it really is a bummer when you look at your kids think something and all the sudden you realized your worst nightmare had come true, you're your father now. Dear lord I can't count how many times I've said that statement now. And to top it off I've only been a dad for less than a year, though I did have a fair hand in helping my sisters andtheir husbands the past 20 years with my nieces and nephews.

Children are not playthings that can be thrown away when we are done, and we as parents don't view them that way. We love our kids and want better for them then we have done ourselves.

 

[3girls2dogs]

I can not believe what I am reading in this thread! Teenagers may be young and parents may be responsible, but I also think that it is important to remember that teenagers are people, not little dolls for parents to play with. I am not attacking anyone specific, just offering an opinion from a teeanger who has been that age.

I would have been INFURIATED if I found my parents doing that without my prior knolwedge. It is just like them going into your room and reading credit card statements and other private documnets. As for myspace? I hav to say, I can understand why she put it there as if my Dad was telling me what can and can't be put on mine, I'd be angry. I mean, mine is pretty much harmless - I will ever show you if you life. It is just a big teenage thing now.

Child, I think it is important to remember a couple of things:

1. Parents were also, GASP, teenagers who have been that age. I remember very well what it was like to be a teenager, and trust me, I was not afforded nearly as much privacy as my daughter is. I survived with no visible, or invisible, for that matter, scars.

2. Since you clearly referred to my post, let me remind you that myspace is by far a private forum. Anyone can read what she posts, which is the problem. I don't know why she would want to portray herself in such a negative way.

3. As her mother, it would be irresponsible for me to worry about whether she would be infuriated at me, or her stepfather, for checking up on her. It is my job to protect and teach her, not be her friend. She has plenty of friends.

4. This is a parenting forum, yet you felt no qualms about coming here and offering your opinion, even though you are not a parent. According to your way of thinking, that would violate our privacy, no? Yet you came anyway, because you felt you would be offering something, I imagine. How does that now make your way of thinking any different than ours?

To tell you the truth, I could care less if she is infuriated with me. She can also call me all the names she wants. If checking up on her can allow me to stop her from making even one bad choice, or from getting hurt at least once, than not only do I feel I have made the right choice, I will not feel even one ounce of guilt over it.

What I felt was acceptable at 15, or 19 as you are, is very, very, very much different now that I am an adult and the mother of three daughters. I am quite sure that 17 years from now, when you are my age, dear, your way of thinking regarding your children will be quite different as well. The idea of freedom to post all about myself on the internet may be exciting to a 15 year old girl, but to the parents of that child, who know about all the predators out there, it is a terrifying prospect. The idea of the freedom to post about all the daring things she may want people to think she is doing may be exciting to her, but sitting there holding her while she cries because someone who read it called her a harlot is what tears a mother's heart in half, if she thinks she could have prevented it.

The Lord put her in my charge for a very short time, and it is my duty to raise her to be a proud daughter of Christ. To show her that she is worth more than what she apparently thinks she is worth. I will not feel guilt for trying to do that.

 

[rasplundjr]

What I felt was acceptable at 15, or 19 as you are, is very, very, very much different now that I am an adult and the mother of three daughters.

Bravo

I feel the same way... heck stuff I did before I met my wife I no longer find acceptable and that's only been a couple years...

Time give you a way of seeing that you used to be a lot less wise....
Well it does me at least

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I think it would be nice to make it understood rather than going behind his back.

 

[IWTALCT]

I can not believe what I am reading in this thread! Teenagers may be young and parents may be responsible, but I also think that it is important to remember that teenagers are people, not little dolls for parents to play with. I am not attacking anyone specific, just offering an opinion from a teeanger who has been that age.

I would have been INFURIATED if I found my parents doing that without my prior knolwedge. It is just like them going into your room and reading credit card statements and other private documnets. As for myspace? I hav to say, I can understand why she put it there as if my Dad was telling me what can and can't be put on mine, I'd be angry. I mean, mine is pretty much harmless - I will ever show you if you life. It is just a big teenage thing now.

BRAVO!! that is what i was feeling! and 3girls2dogs she isnt a child she is a adult! and if your going to look at their emails and go in their rooms and look at all their things they should have the same privlige! if you make them give you thier passwords then give them your passwords if you go in their rooms at any time and look at everything let them go in your room at any time and look ar your stuff if you look at their emails let them look at you emails and etc.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

There is no way I'd spy on my childrens' emails, phone calls, or written correspondence-- unless I felt that there was immediate imminent danger.

It is disrerespectful to their personhood. I have confidence in the job I've been doing and I also have confidence that God uses all things, even big bad mistakes, for the very best for those who love him. I don't want my kids to make serious big mistakes- but if I break their trust- then I will be assured that they will never tell me anything-- and they will be far more likely to make big mistakes- if they can't come and ask my advice.