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Raped by sister's ex.

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Emmers87

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In March of this year, I was raped by my sister's ex boyfriend. He is 27, I am 19. I was a virgin before this happened. I had been out with my sister earlier that night, drinking(I don't drink anymore), and I stayed at her place that night. She told me she was going to come and hop into bed in a few minutes, that she just had to do something. Well, I was pretty drunk and didn't find it hard to fall asleep. Not much time had passed when I was awoken by my sister's phone ringing next to her bed. I couldn't see her anywhere so I decided to answer it. It was her ex boyfriend and he said he was looking for my sister and that he was outside the door. So, I let him in and said that I didn't know where she was. I had a look around the house and still couldn't see her, so I told him he could stay and wait for a while in case she turned up.

He asked for some wine and we sat and talked for quite a while. I don't remember much of what happened after that, but I have small memories of him trying to kiss me, and trying to get me to go back to his place. I remember him pulling me by the hand down a street, and I had no idea where we were going, or why for that matter. The next thing I knew he was was having sex with me, and it hurt like hell. I tried to move out from underneath him but he just followed. I screamed out from the pain but he kept putting his hand over my mouth and saying "Shhh". I didn't know what to do. I never told him to stop, or said no, but I knew that it was pretty obvious to him that I didn't want it. I passed out and woke up again, and he had just stopped, and for some reason he said "You were great", which sickened me.

I got up and left. I found my way to my sister's house and she was nowhere to be seen. I discovered that I was bleeding alot, and I didn't know what to do. I thought about going to the police, but I didn't want my sister to know, and also I didn't think that they would believe me, especially since I never actually said the words 'no' or 'stop' to him that I can remember.

Anyway, eventually my sister came home, and she asked me why I had been crying. I broke down crying again, and just said "I didn't want to...". She asked me what I was talking about, and I decided I couldn't tell her what happened. I changed the subject and asked her where she had been all night. She told me she had gone to the riverfront and had been drinking. I told her that her ex had come over looking for her, but not what he had done. She looked weird and said "He didn't do anything to you did he?" and I said no. She kept asking, and I kept saying No.

A few months later, she called me and told me that she knew. She said that she was sorry for leaving me there drunk, alone, and I said that it wasn't her fault. She said that he had told her what happened, and that he wanted me to know that he was sorry. She then told me that he 'just goes crazy when he drinks. He does crazy things and doesn't know what he's doing.' She then told me that she had been raped six months earlier, that she was completely sober when it happened and that I should be glad that I didn't remember most of it.

There was just something about what she said that really got to me. I mean, I felt extremely bad and horrified to learn what had happened to her, but at the same time, because of the way that she said I felt almost as though she was playing down what had happened to me, as if it were something that I shouldn't feel so bad about, and that it was a miniscule event on her scale of things. It really hurt for some reason.

She is still today friends with him. She even invited him to her birthday party and made me leave early so that I wouldn't have to see him. She said that she was trying to protect me from him. I don't understand why or how she could continue her friendship with him after what he did to me. If the situation were reversed and I was in her shoes I would want to kill him. I would cut him off and never speak to him again. On top of it all, I feel as if I can't talk to her about it. I have tried once before but she went all quite and then talked about what happened to her when she was raped.

I don't want to seem unreasonable or anything, but it just HURTS SO BAD that she is still friends with him and acts as if everything is all right.

She is the only other person who knows what happened, and because I can't talk to her about it, there is no one else, so I have nobody to talk to and let out how I feel. She just really does not want to know about it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've held it all in over all this time and if I do this any longer, I am going to start to have mental problems.

I almost feel as if she wants to think that nothing ever happened. And I start to doubt myself and think that I actually wanted it in the first place or that it was my fault.

Actually, pretty much the whole time I have felt that it was my fault. That is why I cut myself over and over again. I have managed to stop cutting, but I still feel like punishing/destroying myself. I think about dying or just going someplace else, anywhere, starting over and forgetting everything and everyone in my past, including my family.

I think I need some serious help. I just have no one I can talk to about this and I feel as if I'm going to have a complete breakdown.

Please, at least give me advice on how I can talk to my sister about this, and tell her how I feel. Please... I think there is something very wrong with me. I really need prayer.
 

AJB4

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I will pray for you without question. Boy, it sickens me when I hear about stuff like that.:(

My personal advice: Be honest with your sister. She'll understand how you feel. She's your sister. If she doesn't like it, then that's her problem, because you're the victim in the situation. You can't keep things like this bottled up. Be honest with your sister, and let it all out, otherwise it'll just be bottled up and it will eventually destroy you, like it seems to be doing already. It's NOT unreasonable to want your sister to sever ties with a guy that raped you.

But I will pray for you without question.
 
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BelindaP

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There is no excusing what that guy did. Evidently, your sister thinks that getting drunk is an excuse to do what you want, but it isn't true. By the time that a guy gets drunk enough to lack the judgement to do such a thing, he can't perform, if you know what I mean.

That means that he full well knew what he was doing. Also, even though you didn't say 'no', having sex with a person who is severely compromised is rape. I would not be surprised if he didn't slip something into your drink. That would explain why you don't remember much of what happened. Most of the date rape drugs have amnesic qualities.

I also think that this guy probably has a history of that kind of behavior, if your sister was asking you if he did something. She may have even been raped by this guy. If so, her behavior may be, in part, a result of what happened to her.

She is partially responsible for what happened to you. For that reason, she should be willing to cut off contact with this guy if you ask her. She should also be willing to go to the police with you and turn this guy in. He needs to be locked up before he vicimizes anybody else. I bet that once word gets out that he is in trouble for rape, others will come forward. Remember, the statute of limitations for rape is usually three to seven years, so don't wait too long.

I know I'm taking a hard line on this, but guys like this rape 100s of women sometimes before they are brought to justice. God will be with you, whatever you decide to do. Take care of yourself.
 
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Saucy

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Your sister probably has a big-deal attitude with you because the same thing happened to her. Also, because he came clean and apologized. She justified it by saying, "Oh , he gets crazy when he gets drunk." Your sister is still trying to hold onto him, so really she's not going to want to listen when you say bad things about her friend/ex. My advice is...don't try to talk to your sister about it. Get some help first about how your feeling right now. It's more important for you to deal the pain you're feeling so you can stop wanting to hurt yourself! You're a victim and shouldn't have to feel this way, but it's typical of all rape victims.
 
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lillybug0514

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Please, at least give me advice on how I can talk to my sister about this, and tell her how I feel. Please... I think there is something very wrong with me. I really need prayer.
It's hard to talk to others when they let you know that its not a bid deal. It really makes you wonder what is wrong with yourself, and makes you hate yourself so much more. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to pretend that it never happened, than to have to deal with the pain that thinking about it causes. Like you said your sister tries to do.

Just beacuse she is the only one that knows, doesnt mean you dont have others to talk to. You could call the hotline for victims, the RAINN website also has secure online help that you can go to. It is never too late to call or ask for help. And we are here, many of us know how you feel. It does not take the place of professional help, but if you cant bring yourself to talk to someone about it, it is better to talk to us than no one at all.

If your sister doesnt want to face what happened, you cant make her. You cant force her to stop giving excuses for the guy, being drunk is no excuse, no matter how drunk he was.

There is nothing wrong with you, you are a victim. Like the others said, it was NOT your fault. You will keep hearing this, but until you accept it yourself, it will mean nothing. You are not to blame, just because you cant remember saying no, does not mean that you deserved this in any way.

The best advice I have for you and your sister is to sit her down and tell her how you feel. Dont let her interrupt you, or say anything to you. Just get it out and tell her everything and then leave her alone to think about it. If you stay around to listen to her excuses for him, or her feelings at the moment it will only hurt you both.

I hope this helps and if you need to talk more, I'm here for you.
 
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sekhemsahu

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It is disgusting and vile what that guy did to you, and I am appalled that your sister has seemingly chosen the rapist's friendship over the well-being of her sister.

Alcohol does not make people do things they would not usually do when sober. Using alcohol is a pathetic and unnacceptable excuse for relinquishing personal responsibility of a behavior or crime. Rape is often a crime of opportunity and he knew exactly what he was doing since drinking provides him with ample opportunity to take advantage of an incapacitated woman - and then blame it on being drunk when caught or confessing - since there is a great misconception that people are not in control of their own behaviours when under the influence of alcohol.

And if he was so drunk as he claims, then how did he manage to find his way back home in the dark, while dragging a similarly drunk person along with him, and have the coordination to stiffle any resistance on your behalf by covering your mouth. He was not drunk. He knew exactly what he was doing. He is a rapist. Period. That will not change as long as people like your sister make excuses for his behaviour.

As for your sister, it sounds like she is living in a world of denile or is just so used to being abused (in subtle or blatant ways) that she does not know how to let go of someone who is going to hurt her and her family. It is a normal response from people who have dealt with abuse and do not have the knowledge or self confidence to put their foot down and demand respect.

I would suggest that you attempt to find a counseling service for yourself or you and your sister. You family doctor may be able to provide you with possible resources. If you cannot find a counselor, and you have not already done so, then try telling your sister how you feel and how all of this has drastically uprooted you life and emotional well being. It will probably hurt to confront her so, but it hurts now so what do you have to lose?

I have been raped and I completely relate to everything you have described feeling, even the added stress of feeling somewhat betrayed by a close family member. I hope and pray that you and your sister will find peace with yourselves and can reconcile your relationship.

Take care. :hug:
 
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