Rant about my dad

[almost_done]

my dad is currently out of work. he has his situations and his reasons so dont judge him for that. its not his fault. the fact is, he is out of work. he sits at home all day and does nothing. yea, he will fix things around the house, run errands, he might cook dinner every once in a while..... my point is he takes care of all the "maintenance stuff" i guess. my mom has a great job and she makes more than enough money to support my family of 6

he is apparently very loving. when i got into college, he bought me a very nice car. and when i mean nice, i mean super nice, baller, best-car-out-of-all-my-friends kind of car. he pays for my rent (i live away from home for college), utilities, cable & internet, food, gas, etc etc. he pays for my cell phone bill, which is pretty expensive. i have a smartphone, so they have to pay for the internet plan. in other words, i pay for nothing but my tuition, which i have loans for.

in your heads, you're probably thinking "excuse me, almost_done...... this is the abuse forum. not the 'tell us how your life is perfect' forum". and i wanted to point that out because it becomes a problem when trying to seek help from my pastor or anyone else about how i hate my dad. yes, i said it. i hate him. love your enemies, honor your father and mother, etc etc, yea i know the Scripture. judge me for it. anyway, i wanted to point it out because its frustrating when my dad pulls the "I provide everything for him" card. then it just seems like i am being unreasonable, and then no one takes me seriously.

ok so why do i hate him?

1. my dad considers me a liar. everything i say or do, i'm lying.
2. i am not allowed to have an opinion. "you are inexperienced and you dont know anything" (notice how that's in quotes)
3. he is verbally abusive. think of all the names and insults and curse words you can think of in the english language. you have just compiled the list of my names ever since i was a child.
4. he is physically abusive. up until the past few years (when i grew taller than him and started working out) he hit me. and im not talking about a slap on the hand. he hit me hard and long. for hours on end. with broomsticks, extension cords, belts, his fist, and many other things. one time i was so badly beaten, i wasnt allowed to go to school so no one would see what i looked like and call the police. what did i do, you ask? i was in 5th grade and my class was selling chocolates for a fund raiser. i lost my box of chocolates and my parents had to pay $24.
5. he makes stuff up about me. who is my mom going to believe?
6. he thinks he knows me better than i know myself. he always assumes stuff about me and thinks he can analyse my actions, and punishes me based on his analysis, which is 100% of the time, incorrect.
7. when i speak my mind, i get in trouble for it. when i shut my mouth, i get in trouble for not being a man and saying what i want.
8. he is the cockiest man alive. there is nothing for him to be cocky about, but that doesnt stop him. he thinks the world revolves around him. if he wants to watch tv, it doesnt matter who is watching or what they are watching or when its going to be over. he takes the remote and changes the channel. if he is just sitting there and is hungry, someone has to make a sandwich. im studying, you say? nope. doesnt matter. i have to make it. my mom is helping my brother with his homework? who cares? my sister is preparing herself for a presentation? guess what? yup you guessed it. hes getting his sandwich. what if he doesnt? all hell breaks loose.
9. its easier to agree out loud, nod my head and walk away. why? because cocky people are always right. and guess what? my dad thinks he's always right.

those are just general reasons. now the recent events:

i am in college. yes, people fail college courses. im sorry i'm a failure. im not an idiot. i actually consider myself pretty smart. i failed 2 classes in the spring semester of 2011. i didnt fail because i couldnt pass, i failed because i didnt study and relaxed during the semester.

but these college courses are a little bit more serious because i am in a graduate program. and if you fail 3 classes, you're out. forever. i had failed one before so that was it for me. but guess what? by some miracle that God pulled, and by pulling a few strings, they didnt count for me. it was as if i had never failed them. so now all i had to do was wait til next spring and graduate a year late, right? nope. again, God pulled a miracle and somehow for whatever reason, the school decided to offer these classes in the summer. and now i can continue on time, on track, as if nothing happened. He is great, isnt He?

yes i know. it is my fault. i didnt study. i decided to hang out and watch movies all semester and hope i can pull it off on the final. it didnt happen.

but lets rewind a few months. may. i just found out i have a chance. they are offering both classes and i have a short but critical semester ahead of me. great. my dad is still [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed, understandable. he takes my car, my phone, and all forms of luxury. again, understandable. he moves in with me to be on top of me to make sure i dont screw up this time. fair? maybe not. embarrassing? YES. frustrating? YES. did i hate my life? YES. but..... understandable? yes.

we fought everyday. about what? nothing. literally, nothing. he just likes to fight and yell and punish and scream and make a scene and get everyone angry for nothing. he likes that power he has over people

ok. semester is over. three months of hell but i passed my classes, with flying colors. i wasnt surprised i got an A in both but everyone i knew was. again, i know i'm smart. i'm just really lazy and i dont care enough to get straight As. i do what i can to get by and graduate. my paycheck is going to be the same whether i have a 4.0 or a 2.0.

do i get my car back? no. does he move out? no. (i live in a house with two other roommates by the way. when i say he moved in with me, i mean he takes over my bedroom) will he rent me my own apartment so its not as embarrassing and crowded? no. will he let me pay for my own apartment using money from my student loans? no. what happens if i do anyway? he will abandon me completely. what does that mean? he wont let me come back home to see him or my siblings or my mother. he will stop paying for anything. can i take the car (the title is in my name by the way)? no. can i pay for the car and take it? no. so in other words, he wants to cut me off completely as if i never existed.

now..... honestly, if thats what i have to do, then thats what i want to do. I am in graduate school. i dont want to state my major but let me just tell you that when i graduate in two years i will be making a six figure starting salary. $130,000+. so student loans are annoying, but are doable. i can live off loans for two more years. what do i have to pay for? rent, utilities, cable& internet, car insurance, gas, food, and maybe a few random expenses here and there. i calculated it to be about $1500 a month. this is based off of my average spending in the last 4 years. sometimes it was as low as $950, and only once did i excede $1700 in one month. so thats about $18,000 a year. so for two years its $36,000. i will round up to $40,000 as a safety net. is that a fair number? getting a $20,000 loan is not hard for a graduate student. once now, and once a year from now.

please, i want your honesty. if im being a brat, tell me. if im being unfair, tell me. tell me whatever you want to tell me and be honest. pm me, reply to this thread, whatever you want.

i thank you for reading up to this point and appreciate your comments. may God grant you blessings on earth and treasures in His eternal Kingdom.

 

[Colleen1]

Firstly, I'll start by saying there are various misnomers concerning abuse. Abuse, in many ways, is like disease. It affects all sorts of people from all walks of life. e.g. rich, poor, educated, uneducated and on and on the list goes. So when I think of abuse I don't even judge on those terms. However, there are all sorts of abuse e.g. financial, physical, verbal, emotional, sexual. There are also various degrees of abuse. Yes, the verbal and physical abuse you've experienced is abuse. Have you made some mistakes... yes, but you've admitted that, which by the way is great and a fair few people don't acknowledge things this truthfully... so good for you for doing this. We all make mistakes. However, that doesn't justify abuse. Yes, control and manipulation can definitely be a form of abuse. I can relate to various things you've said. e.g. many abusers use bribery as a means of controlling / abusing victims. A similar situation happened to me. My father not only retaliated in the home but in the community saying various things and using dishonesty. So I can related to this type of manipulation and abuse. My father and ex also did similar things with regards to resources, etc. Going into debt isn't fun or something one should eagerly do. However, physical and emotional safety is important. I don't think anyone should tell you what to decide / what to do. This is a choice that will affect your life in many ways and only you can decide what is best. As lame as this may sound... have you simply told your father that this situation is hindering your studies and creating a lot of stress and that you've learned from you mistakes and need some space? Yes, I hear you and your father may not be easy to communicate with but some times just making a simple statement such as this can sink in. Have you asked him if he plans to continue this in future? Emotions can run high when we feel we have no choices and when someone is being hateful toward us this can present us with some difficult choices. Some of these choices can be how we deal with the intense emotions we are feeling. Never an easy position to be in . But we need to find out what is the most hurtful and help ourselves heal. e.g. you can ask yourself what am I so hurt over and why and ask this until you get down to the raw basis of hurt. For me my father's hurtful comments like, "don't bother coming home if you go back" are hurtful because they're mean. why are they mean because it sounds like he doesn't care. Why am I hurt because he doesn't seem to care... because I feel abandoned. Why do I feel abandoned because he seems to think I'm unworthy / unlovable / not valuable enough to be treated with respect. When you get to the basis of what it is that is the real source of emotional pain you can then find a way to start healing. This a process you can go through with a counselor who may be able to provide you with some additional resources as well. Whatever your specific needs may be. Again, the decisions are yours and I don't mind chatting / listening but one thing about any type of abuse or stressful situation is it's good to get help and support when we are going through them.

 

[SplendidTree]

Praying for you.

 

[Colleen1]

You continue to be in my prayers.

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[almost_done]

Colleen and James, Thank you for your prayers.

Colleen, I got your PM but can not respond until i post 13 more times, as of this post. But I appreciate everything, including the time you took to write these words and your prayers and following up on me. You dont know how much that means

 

[Colleen1]

Colleen and James, Thank you for your prayers.

Colleen, I got your PM but can not respond until i post 13 more times, as of this post. But I appreciate everything, including the time you took to write these words and your prayers and following up on me. You dont know how much that means

I truly don't mind. I think your sharing so authentically was brilliant. I think growth is gotten from honesty and I admire people who choose to be this way. I understand the subtleties of abuse and the way abusers manipulate to try to put blame on the ones they're trying to intimidate and control and it isn't fun, easy to explain to others or easy to contend with. I continue to pray and don't mind listening. Hope you have a great day.

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