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Random Writings... not happy ones

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aca_rev55

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Secrets, secrets... we all have secrets. I have a secret, I have two secrets... I have many secrets.


Well, what would you call it? Remember, nobody said it had to make sense. It's like a creeping sensation, given thoughtfully by the cracked window... a draft. A cold, little chill that sends even the smallest of shivers up your spine, into your nerves, into your mind, into your soul. Unfortunate, though, there's no blanket to give you warmth from this Winter's devil... it's left solely up to you to wander in the darkness, alone, to patch up the cracked places. A few flickers of light will give you a brief vision of where you are... one quick glance at what you must accomplish to escape this dismal place. Are you frightened? You should be, you're all alone... people tend to fear being alone. Not you? Do you seek for solitude? Foolish to say the least, though I believe it's safe to say you have a rather naive perspective of loneliness. Loneliness is not being separated from other individuals, surely you joke to have this perception of the word. It does mean to be without another's company, to have no one to talk to, no one to confide in... No, the true meaning goes far deeper than that. *Imagine being in a world much different than our own, *A world where you are doomed to be lost in the fogs of despair, suffocated by the clouds of merciless dust that hang overhead. *The stars in the sky are no more than the bits of broken trust; shimmering eyes of glass that gaze down and pierce your heart with a rod of rusted hate.
You will find no comfort here, in this world of pain, just the shreds of your past, what used to be. *Here, you only think of today... yesterday is gone, and you forget tomorrow, for whatever happens tomorrow can not be too different from what happens today. *This is the world of loneliness. *The Spring rains pour down in sheets of acid, burning away all the hope you possess, melting away all the good from your eyes... you see no more. *Blinded by your constant sorrow, you feel nothing now... stranded in the land with no daylight, just the stars of glass and a frosted moon. You have no company here, deep in your mind where only dark thoughts loom. *You share your residence with no others, just the forgotten promises of tomorrow.
Picture youself now... in a stone, cold room. Four corners, no door... just a simple, miniature window placed strategically in a place where you, alone, could never reach it. Now, think back... remember the draft? This draft will be your downfall. Every breath you draw is a deathwish. Every step you take is a risk... every thought your mind possesses is your very own, personal, malevolent demon. Now, you are alone. Now, you are fearful. Hope does not exist here. You are trapped. You are doomed to suffer the most painful death. You will spend the rest of your dismal existence in this stone room, blind, deaf, and lonely... searching for your escape. Don't worry, your saviour exists... in the window. That small, promising little crack in the wall sending you those scarring shivers. But remember, you're alone. Millions of people surround you, but you are separated from them... you are in the world of loneliness. They can see you, but will never reach you. They can touch you, but will never help you. They can speak to you, but will never hear you. They're there, but You Are Not. The window is there, but You Can't Reach It. This is loneliness.
 

Lycana

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Wow! Brilliant writing and what a sad picture it paints! Very well done! I would like to offer a way out of this room. Jesus is the one who can open that window, who can reach in and rescue you, live within you and end the loneliness.:)
 
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akasmom

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And so there you are, in this room, alone, cold, hopeless, listening to all the people who are not where you are. You are desolate in the midst of activity, lonely though surrounded, hopeless in the shadow of someone else's light. The window is so high, you are tired of reaching, and even if you could reach it, would being on the other side really be any better? The thought keeps running through your mind - "this is as good as it will get for you" "those other people don't really want you there any way" "why would you want to be like them - they must be mindless if they can't see the reasons to be like you are" the thoughts have run so long it's all you really hear.

But then a small, warm trickle creeps in from a side you had ignored before, a side you thought you had closed off. Through this little, tiny, sometimes forgotten, sometimes purposely ignored crack, comes a thought. "There must be something better". It is a small thought, a warm thought, one that doesn't fit in with the others, a thought the others jump on and try to throw out. Somehow though, despite its small stature, this thought is able to take root in your heart, like a weed. You aren't looking for hope, that would be futile. You aren't looking for help, that would be foolish. You aren't looking for a way out any more, you know you are stuck. But this little thought won't go away, even when you reason, even when you shout "HOPELESS!!" over its still small voice, you can still hear it, standing small but strong and warm and light. The demon in the room with you begins to grow frantic, even desperate, and that makes you stop, for just a moment, wondering what power this innocent little thought has that can make this big ugly demon that has you trapped in this hell so worried. At that moment, the thought gets just a bit bigger, a bit brighter. Just a little. You can see in the dimness of the room, outlines of the wall, the shape of the window, you can begin to identify where you end and the demon begins. You wonder - "could there really be something better?" Is there any point in hoping again? I don't want to hurt anymore. I've had enough disappointment..." you trail off, and the demon jumps in so fast it makes you spin a little - "NO! no hope for you, you don't deserve it, you can't get out of this no one cares if you're here anyway" and as you listen to this you spot that other little thought again, and it isn't wavering. It is not smaller, it just stands and waits for you to think it. "Maybe there is a way out" you say, not really believing it, just to see what happens. "NO WAY OUT!!" screams the demon, but the thought got brighter, just a tiny bit. Suddenly, you turn to the demon and say "yes there is - I don't know how to get out but there is a place brighter and better than this". The demon stops, frozen, and quietly smiles, trying not to sneer - "oh, yes, there's a better place, but you can't ever work hard enough to get in. Look at you - you aren't good enough. Maybe other people have hope, but not you. Besides, you have to be like them to be in the better place, and look at what morons they are! Judgemental, critical, self-superior, all those rules to follow; they have their own blindness. If it was so wonderful there, and they were so nice and good, wouldn't you be out of here by now? No, this is your place, your destiny. Don't worry, eternity doesn't seem so long when you take it a pain at a time."
As you listen to the demon and feel the pain pressing in harder, you realize in the dimness that the little warm thought isn't alone. There is another, even smaller, one next to it. How could that have gotten in here? Maybe you are seeing things - so confused, so much pain, so cold, so dark...and a warm little breeze pushes aside all of that for the briefest second, and a whisper - wait, what did it say? "I love you" You listen harder, willing aside all the commotion the demon has begun to throw out at you! "I love you". The first little thought, that maybe there is a better place, just grew a bit brighter as you listen again. Where is this coming from? Who loves me? No one loves me! Who said that? and still it persists "I love you". The demon is growing scared, holding on to you, telling you not to listen, throwing things at you - your past, your failures, the pain other people have caused you. You try to duck, and in seeking refuge from the onslaught of pain, out of sheer desperation you duck for a moment behind the tiny little thought. "Oh, like that could help you!" shouts the demon, and picks up the biggest object in the room - your worthlessness. He throws it at you and the thought - and the it bounces off the thought, landing back at his feet. "I love you" gets a little bit louder, a little bit brighter, a little bit bigger.
Now the demon is calling for help, and you realize if there was a way in here, there had to be a way out. I love you grows. In amazement, you get closer to it and say "really? me?" "I LOVE YOU". The demons are in armor, they have weapons, they are coming to destroy the tiny, sick, pale shred that is left of your soul, and you realize there is a choice to make here, you know what you must do. You almost cringe, knowing that you will make yourself vulnerable in a way that will allow the demons to kill you off completely, but even that would be better than this you can't take this anymore "PLEASE LET ME OUT!" you scream in desperation you turn to the thought, tear open your heart and say "please don't leave me - love me!" "I LOVE YOU"
There is a blinding flash of light, and the demons freeze. They cower, shaking, terrified, and you know that who ever said I love you is bigger than the hell you are in. Now you need to know, you can't go on without knowing - "who said that? How did you get in here?" You look around and you can see:the cell walls, the past, your ugly flaws, even your small remaing bits of beauty, the ones buried deep in your heart. You can see, now, the form of the one who spoke those words, and even though His features are hard to make out in the almost blinding light, you know He is beautiful, you aren't looking with your physical eyes anymore but the eyes of your heart. " I LOVE YOU" He says again, and now you understand He has come to offer you a way out. All you have to do is say I love you too. Can you say that much?
 
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Lessien

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I know how you feel, Rev. That's what it was like for me for most of middle school, and that's still what it's like-to a degree. I don't know if this is what you want to hear, but God can help you through it. That may sound kinda cliched, I know, but it's true. I should know. If it weren't true, I probably would've commited suicide. That's how bad it was. But God helped me, and He can-and will- help you, too. All you have to do is ask. I'll be praying.
 
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WhenFinallySetFree777

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I think to myself in the deepest times of despair, that just because I can't see the light at times doesn't mean there is only an endless darkness.

Sometimes, I am just blind. If I open my eyes to God, I will see His light. I can't see the light until I open my eyes.
 
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A

aca_rev55

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I wrote this exerpt when I was hospitalized, after an overdose. I was kept in SO (suicide observation) for 2 days and 1 night... it was a four cornered room, glazed white brick, no inside door handle, constant bright lights and a security camera... there's no sleep there, nothing to occupy your mind except the reason you're in there. It was 2 days... an eternity.
 
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