Raising Nephew

[Linnis]

When I first met my husband, back in 2002, I thought it was odd, his brother's child was always with him or his mom. By the time I became engaged to him, I realised except for a few hours a week, my fiance's nephew was always in the care of either him or his mom.
I started watching him, but unlike my fiance and his mother it was for a few hours and I demanded my now BIL come back sober and pick up his child. I also asked for money incase we went out or I needed to buy food or whatever.
By the time I got married we had him almost all the time, if we refused to take him in an attempt to get hhis father to spend time with him, he'd just leave him with someone else...normally someone who's not good for him to be around like his friends who live in their mom's garage or his biological mother who's a meth user.
Now it's 16 months later and nothing has really changed. I take him because I don't want him off with someone who won't take care of him, or lock him in the bathroom if he talks. My BIL "pays" me $60 a week to take care of him. I laugh at this because most of it goes back into making sure he's got food, clean cloths, new shoes etc.

Now My BIL has had many live in girlfriends but this one is sticking around and she wants to "raise" my nephew. Yet, 9 times out of ten, she flakes out because she's not a kids person or whatever.

We support this kid, yet we can't claim him on our taxes, I don't work outside the home because if I did, I'd find my nephew at home alone, while his Dad's gone and I can't do that.

Child services has been out three times, I explain the situation to them and their like "Well he's got a good job," and like like so what how much does he spend on his kid? They don't care the house is never cleaned or that the dog goes to the bathroom all over, because he's got money he's automatically a good perent.

I know I'm the biggest push over in the world when it comes to him, but I love him so much and I don't want him to be punished because his Father is a complete and total idiot.

I do my best to "parent" the way I think is the best for us. I keep the same rules, I treat him with respect...basically I treat him how I think I'll parent my own kids someday.

Do I expect the same from him, even if on the off chance he's with his Dad or do I just not have any rules? Do we plan our lives around having this child or don't we? How do I protect him from all of this or do I let him see how little his Dad cares?


I'm also at the point if I'm going to raise him, my husband and I was something legal to say we have him. My nephew lives in fear of the day "His Daddy will take him away," and somewhat so am I because the fact that I've had him almost 2.5 years almost all the time will mean little if his Father wants to take him and move.

Do we have a chance of doing something legal to ensure he's taken care of? Or should I just keep going on like this with no end in sight?

 

[frankincense]

How old is this chid? If he can explain his pain & fears to a judge, you may be able to do something legally. It would help if CPS would get involved and make you his legal guardian- at least foster parents. The fact that he leaves his child with a meth user speaks volumes. I would document everything for now. See family court lawyer. Some have free or low cost consultations. It would also help if you had other family members as witnesses to the neglect. I am not sure why CPS hasn't done something. I have worked with them, and though it every state is different, it sounds like a case they need to be involved in.

Have you asked the father to sign him over? What if you offered to pay for the adoption?

 

[Linnis]

My nephew will be seven in July. The thing is my BIL thinks he's a great parent and got full custody...but since then he hasn't been the model parent he was when they checked up on him.

His GF has asked 2-3 times if we'd want to be the legal Godparents because he's thinking of making a will but other than that I don't think my BIL would sign him over.

I doubt it if it came to talking to a judge, my nephew would say anything bad about his Father. No matter how many times he screws up, he loves his Daddy so much, worships him almost, and all he wants is some attention.

I'm thinking of getting the Landlord of the apartments to make a complaint on the condition of the home.

This Family always protects him. He got his girlfriend pregnant at 17 and for the last going on eight years they do whatever it takes to make sure he's alright out of some sense it'll help the child. They figure if they say anything he'll be put in Foster care not with us and won't risk it. They also think he'll grow up "sooner or later".

I just feel like nobody can see how this kid is effected. I mean he won't let you close a door. He's having panic attacks, he cries all the time, if I let him he'd sleep all the time. Yet, when I go for help, they say he's a good parent because he could support him better, even if he isn't.


I'm thinking of taking him to my poastor to speak to. I'm thinking he's depressed and I don't want it to get any worse.

 

[frankincense]

Well, good foster families are hard to come by and 9 times out of 10 they would rather a child go to a willing family member.

If his apartment is that bad, the landlord should make a complaint. A child shouldn't live like that. If he is showing emotional issues, perhaps contact the child's pediatrician. Even if you can't get information on the child, you could talk to a doctor or nurse and tell them what is going on. They may very well take action themselves or at least suggest to the father a counselor or changing the boys enviroment.

Good luck!

 

[Linnis]

That's an idea. A doctor could say it's not right for a six year old to have panic attacks.

 

[Princessperky]

I am sorry your in that situation, it is so hard, the best way is certainly not the easy way.

I think if you could get the kid into counseling, you would be able to use the counseler as testimony in place of the kid, but that is only a unprofessional educated by to many law and order tv shows guess. Talk to a lawyer for specifics. And if you get the kid legally you will get to claim him and possibly get support for him, so the cost of the lawer would be worth it.

Definatly ask the kid if he would like to stay with you, and don't bad mouth the dad to much, making the kid fear if he stays with you he will not get to see his dad. Though that might be best for him, it isn't right for a kid to have to choose that sort of thing so early.

Foster care is hard to find, most all cases a willing family member gets the kid if availible.

 

[Linnis]

I've never said anything bad about his Father in front of him, or even if he's in the apartment because I don't want him to over hear. He loves his Dad and it wouldn't be right.

I spoke to my BIL and told him things need to change for the sake of his child or I'm going to have to do something to protect his well being. He took him to see fireworks with him and spent the morning with him this morning. Maybe I just have to keep on him...although it still worries me that when I'm not around he'll get back to his old habits.

I'm taking the advice to record events incase I need them, like if he's late picking him up, times he's being left alone, times his dad promises stuff and "forgets"...etc

 

[Leanna]

That's a good idea. Also, you should talk to a family practice lawyer and ask them if there is any chance you could win custody. You shouldn't continue being taken advantage of and it sounds like the parent is obviously negligent. I don't know law, but they would. It might cost you some money, but if you could win, you would probably also win child support which will be 20% of income in IL and then you will be able to pay your lawyer bills and for the child's food and clothing also. You need to protect this child and if things are bad then you and your husband should become mommy and daddy, and the negligent father should only be allowed to visit and no fear of his influence in the son's life.