-Questions-

[Mayflower1]

Hi... I was sexually abused when I was about 4 years old and now I am working out the memories from that time. So far, more has come back but I don't know what is real and what isn't... I also have this big fear that I was raped and I don't remember. I have just been thinking about it a lot lately because of therapy. The "mommy/daddy game" really scared me when I remembered it but that is the only memory that is really clear... I am scared of what is coming through and I am not dealing with it well. I am trying to not cut but it has been bad this week. Is there any sure way to know if it is real or not? Do I even have to remember? I haven't come on this section a lot because I guess I am afraid of what I might learn. I just am tired of feeling so alone about it... what if it was only that one time? It was just a pretend honeymoon... but with my father... I just feel so embarressed by it. I feel dirty when I think about it. I just don't know how to talk about it. My counselor said to call someone from my support system but how can I talk to someone about this? I don't want to upset my family or friends at home. I feel more comfortable talking on here. Just because people don't know me, doesn't mean they can't exhort! Just please pray for me!!! Lily00 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Phillippians 4:13

 

[goldenviolet]

my lovely little Lily! it's not important to remeber details unless you are recounting it for the authorities.

it's over. but working it out isn't, so it's completely normal to think about things.

it's ok to not think about them too. it's ok for you to put your thoughts away and focus on something sootheing...

Phillippians 4... dwelling on what is praiseworthy and peace will be with you.

so, you probly were told to talk to a support person so you feel comforted, soothed. yummy, i'll be happy to soothe you! God is working these things out. you will be drawn to think about them because of working through feelings in therepy and drawn to remember because of triggers.... just continue to go back to blessing and comfort. pm me if you need too

...

i'm sorry this is a challenge on your SI recovery.
God bless you sweetheart!! soo much i would love to hug you. i'd have you over for din and we'd watch movies or something !

what kind of things can you do to improve your mood?

 

[nowhereville]

I was abused for over ten years by multiple persons. For a bit of time I was obsessed with remembering every detail and I was told that was not necessary and if there was somthing I needed to remember God would show it to me. You know enough - and if you need more God will show it to you.

By the way, God's yet (after twenty some years) shown me anything I didn't know about THAT part of my life.

Just keep telling yourself - Hey Jesus never walked up on anybody and said well dang, you're just too broken for even me - it will seem slow sometimes, but you'll get there in Christ....I promise.

 

[Mayflower1]

Dear All,

I am trying very hard to find things that help me to forget but I can't seem to put it to rest. If it is not surfacing memories torturing me, it is false stories in my mind rising up... I always see myself hurt and beaten and isolated. I hate it so much and sometimes I just wish that it will go away. It is so hard to face this and the only comfort I have is that God will send comfort to me. I just have to wait... I suffer though as I wait. It is so torturous to me and I just want it to go away.

To Trinity- Thank you for always knowing how to exhort and make a person feel good about themself. I am working hard to think of the good things that God wants me to but that will take some time.

To nowhereville- I am sorry to hear about your story. It is a shining testimony though that you are a survivor and how far you come. Thank you for reminding me that there is hope if we just hang on.

To UnityandLove- Thankyou for giving me much needed knowledge. I am doing this book called "Shelter from the Storm" underlined, whatever, that gives this information but you describe it so much better. You go on to say there is hope though and I like that so thank you.

I will continue to try but it is just so hard. Sometimes I just feel so weak and I can't get up. Other times I just get so angry and I lose that self-control that I have worked so hard on to forgive my father. It hurts but through these trials I will grow and I will be able to help others hopefully. I just have to keep what reality is! Lily00

 

[goldenviolet]

blessings sweet daughter of God! getting through this will bless you.

God bless you through the tough parts of recovery and therepy! love dee

 

[nowhereville]

I am trying very hard to find things that help me to forget but I can't seem to put it to rest. If it is not surfacing memories torturing me, it is false stories in my mind rising up... I always see myself hurt and beaten and isolated. I hate it so much and sometimes I just wish that it will go away. It is so hard to face this and the only comfort I have is that God will send comfort to me. I just have to wait... I suffer though as I wait. It is so torturous to me and I just want it to go away.

I would laugh, but it would be wrong. I would only laugh because that is a brittle, dull useless arrow of the enemy!!!

Lilly, as God is my witness - I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Obssessive Compulsive Disorder, DID (Disassociative Identy Disorder) and MORE!!!!

What you describe is part of the PTSD - where you have movies that play in your head where you are sort of watching it over and over, except from the viewpoint (or not) of an outsider. It's also the coming up of those intense emotions of that intense experience.

Trust me - I know exactly what you mean. I could not even sit still in a chair and be quiet. My body was constantly in motion - foot tapping, finger tapping, rocking - whatever so that I could "keep it all in" and remain in control at all times.

What I started to do that eventually helped me to overcome what you are desribing is this - I would rebuke it (outloud) in the name of Jesus and I would visual whatever I was seeing slice into tiny squares that disappeared in a whirlwind. At the same time, mind you - I was dealing with my woundedness and in counseling.

Sometimes it seems as though you take baby step after baby step and sometimes it seems like you have taken 600 baby steps and not moved forward one bit. Well, what you need to do at that point is to STOP, turn around and look how far you've come, not at how far you have to go. I still have a ways to go - but I am utterly determined (but then I am really really stubborn and rebellious like that).

I've had too many mental health care professionals (including christian counselors) tell me I can't "hope" to be normal after all I have been through (Ha ha, watch me) All I really need to know is like I said - Jesus never walked up on anyone and said well doggone - you are just too broke to fix and walked away. That is not what the word says AT ALL - it says "By his stripes we ARE healed" - not partly healed, not kinda healed, not even MAYBE healed. We are healed and that's the truth.....

I forgot to notice if you are in counseling or not - I recommend christian counseling if possible you may very well be able to go for free at a pro-life place for unwed mothers - they sometimes do rape counseling as well.


You know, underneath all your pain (which is VERY valid) I see a little bit of that "I am SO an overcomer" dance coming on

walk in power and in love.

 

[Mayflower1]

I would laugh, but it would be wrong. I would only laugh because that is a brittle, dull useless arrow of the enemy!!!

Lilly, as God is my witness - I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Obssessive Compulsive Disorder, DID (Disassociative Identy Disorder) and MORE!!!!

What you describe is part of the PTSD - where you have movies that play in your head where you are sort of watching it over and over, except from the viewpoint (or not) of an outsider. It's also the coming up of those intense emotions of that intense experience.

Trust me - I know exactly what you mean. I could not even sit still in a chair and be quiet. My body was constantly in motion - foot tapping, finger tapping, rocking - whatever so that I could "keep it all in" and remain in control at all times.

What I started to do that eventually helped me to overcome what you are desribing is this - I would rebuke it (outloud) in the name of Jesus and I would visual whatever I was seeing slice into tiny squares that disappeared in a whirlwind. At the same time, mind you - I was dealing with my woundedness and in counseling.

Sometimes it seems as though you take baby step after baby step and sometimes it seems like you have taken 600 baby steps and not moved forward one bit. Well, what you need to do at that point is to STOP, turn around and look how far you've come, not at how far you have to go. I still have a ways to go - but I am utterly determined (but then I am really really stubborn and rebellious like that).

I've had too many mental health care professionals (including christian counselors) tell me I can't "hope" to be normal after all I have been through (Ha ha, watch me) All I really need to know is like I said - Jesus never walked up on anyone and said well doggone - you are just too broke to fix and walked away. That is not what the word says AT ALL - it says "By his stripes we ARE healed" - not partly healed, not kinda healed, not even MAYBE healed. We are healed and that's the truth.....

I forgot to notice if you are in counseling or not - I recommend christian counseling if possible you may very well be able to go for free at a pro-life place for unwed mothers - they sometimes do rape counseling as well.


You know, underneath all your pain (which is VERY valid) I see a little bit of that "I am SO an overcomer" dance coming on

walk in power and in love.

Dear nowhereville,
Yeh, I am in christian counseling, it is the reason all of these memories are surfacing. Man, I have been diagnosed differently by each person I have seen so I know how you feel. PTSD and depression though is what most of them agreed on. I just get so frustrated. I try so desperately not to remember or think bad things but it just seems like they won't stop. They just keep getting worse and worse and I sometimes think I can't stand it... I don't know if I was raped or not. I have a big fear I was but I don't want to know. I just want my life back again. I want to be able to feel happy, not cut when I get upset, be able to not get so angry at the world. "I am SO an overcomer" though! I'd be singing the song though, the dance is for you! When I look back I know I survived through a lot but I sometimes think it would be easier if I didn't have to feel so much... I am embarressed, scared, confused, ahhhh! I don't know what I feel sometimes. I just know that baby steps are really tiring to take and sometimes I just want to sit down and cry. Then God comes in and holds me in His arms and tells me everything will be okay and I don't know... He just gives me strength to keep going. I would have killed myself already if it wasn't for God being with me in every moment of my life. He is my saviour and deliverer and I couldn't ask for a better Father then Him. I have been through a lot and I am having a hard time coping and everything but I know I am not the only one and you are living proof of that. You have come so far and I just hope you keep surviving as well. You are not alone! I will just try and take it one day at a time and maybe one day I will be able to not think bad things anymore! Lily00 p.s. I am stubborn too. Like a mule!

 

[goldenviolet]

lily00 ... i see a young 'me' in you... the young lady working things out, but being uncertain. though you are working things out much younger than i did... & you are much more educated than me too... you have more support too. you are really blessed lily. i wish you felt it more. i think you are much stronger and wiser than you realize. ​

 

[nowhereville]

Sorry it's taken me a bit to respond - God's kinda dealing with me on something sooo.. you know how that goes. (Ha ha, read the book, "We let our son die" about those people who didn't give their son insulin and he died they thought he would be healed and/or raised form the dead and they weren't wing nuts either).

Anyway...

You said, as part of this thread: I also have this big fear that I was raped and I don't remember.

This has stuck with me for DAYS and I wanted to share two things with you about this. This is one of the ways Satan keeps us down - one thing based on our WORST fear - he knows what our worst fear is.

This leads to two points:

A) What if you were? What then? Is not God big enough to deal with that and heal you? (I'm NOT dissing you - just wanting you to think). Is there a line in this process where God can't move for you on your behalf? The bible says there is nothing too difficult for God - who an do all things. Together you can do anything with god, which brings me to my second point below.

B) The other thing I wanted to share with you is this from my personal experience. It took me like seven years to get water baptized. I avoided it like crazy because the devil had given me such fear over that. Because I'd be SO sinful AND been in the occult I thought for sure somethign weird would happen if I DID get water baptized I avoided it. (Like it would come out I possessed or something and then EVERYONE would know). Where do you think that thought came from? Not God for sure and I am pretty confident I didn't come up with that one on my own either LOL.

Begin to look at what you are confessing - are you saying oh I could NEVER handle that or do that - or are you saying, Oh yea, I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.

You are so on the wonderful path of restoration - it seems horrible, but you are doing very very well.

GOOOOO Lilly

 

[beetlequeendiva]

Lily - i believe that memories are released to you when you are ready to cope with them - God never gives you more than you can handle. Unfortunately if you do stop the memories now or if you ignore them they will come back at a later date, it's best to deal with them now - get yourself healed Whatever has happened to you, you are strong enough to deal with, I know it's hard but keep praying and ask God to give you the strength to deal with it all.

 

[Mayflower1]

Dear nowhereville,

I know God can heal it but I need to know. At the end of the month, if and when I can afford it, I am going to get checked to see if I am still a virgin... As the fear kept you back from Baptism when you got baptised finally you got to see that it wasn't so bad. The same with me... I need to know. I over think things so if I don't see for myself then I will just keep overthinking it. I am afraid but I think it is better then always wondering. Lily00 :o

 

[nowhereville]

Dear nowhereville,

I know God can heal it but I need to know. At the end of the month, if and when I can afford it, I am going to get checked to see if I am still a virgin... As the fear kept you back from Baptism when you got baptised finally you got to see that it wasn't so bad. The same with me... I need to know. I over think things so if I don't see for myself then I will just keep overthinking it. I am afraid but I think it is better then always wondering. Lily00 :o

I will reply later - I want to communicate exactly what I mean using the right words. Let me pray about it and I'll be back at some point.

Walk in love

 

[nowhereville]

I'm not by any means saying that you don't have the right to now - what I am saying is that you may in fact never know 100% either way and God is still great enough to give you peace about this.

If there was any type of penetration - your hymen may not be intact (this would include NOT sex). If you have used tampons, your hymen may not be intact. The hymen varies from woman to woman and we are all subject to tears from other things such as being very active and athletic - ie bike accidents, etc. Tampons can also tear this skin.

It's not so much the knowing or not knowing as saying either way - God is still big enough.

I pray that you find the answer you need, but if you do not - you would still have peace.

 

[Mayflower1]

I'm not by any means saying that you don't have the right to now - what I am saying is that you may in fact never know 100% either way and God is still great enough to give you peace about this.

If there was any type of penetration - your hymen may not be intact (this would include NOT sex). If you have used tampons, your hymen may not be intact. The hymen varies from woman to woman and we are all subject to tears from other things such as being very active and athletic - ie bike accidents, etc. Tampons can also tear this skin.

It's not so much the knowing or not knowing as saying either way - God is still big enough.

I pray that you find the answer you need, but if you do not - you would still have peace.

Thanks nowhereville. I just have to keep searching for God promised in His word that I can find peace if I do that. Lily00

 

[Tubachick]

Lily,
Thanks for sharing. I have never been sexual abused but have been physically, emotionally, and mentally abused. And i have been struggling with cutting for 2 years now. I got sent to a mental hospital thingy for a week last year because of it. So i know how hard it can be to stop. But i havnt in 5 months so YAY!!! But I will be praying for you.

-Chuck