Questions

Please, no pat answers. I don't want to hear "Nobody knows the mind of God" or "God has his reason", type of answers. I am looking for real answers. I know all the pat answers and they don't help.

How can God allow "his" people to hurt children. Children who are born again and have asked God to interfer and help? just for no answer. How can God allow the things to happen to me and never answer my yell for help? If He is suppose to be a father, how can he do such things?

Here, I will post my experience:

My parents are fundie ministers. from the time I was 11 years old I was sexually abused by my step-father and physically, emotionally and mentally abused by both parents. but as a christian I gave them chance after chance as well as their churches. My mother has hated me since she found about the abuse from my dad. to get back at me she stole my son and took me to court with lies and gave him to my brother. now remember at the time I was living right. so you tell me why don't I believe. Whatever you reap you sow? right. I am still waiting for that to happen. I was even told that because he was forgiven, it never happened. WHAT?? You tell that little girl that it never happened. I am 36 years old and this has been going on for years. the last straw was my son. lets not forget that the pastor of the current church helped her because I left the church. I left the church because of the hypocrisies that I have seen in every other church I have been to. They talk about love and acceptance but that only goes as far as those they feel worthy. since I am shy and have trouble talking to people without freezing up I was not one of the chosen few. God let me down. he has never been there for me. and he has allowed all of this to happen.

Time-line (short story)

11-16 I was molested by my step-father and physically, emotionally, and mentally abuse by both.
It started before they became Christians. But got worst after. the only thing I can figure that the physical abuse was because when they stopped doing drugs they didn't know what else to do. By the time I was 14, I was not allowed to go to school because I was caught with Def Leopard’s pyromania. They said that school was a bad influence. I had to stay home and watch my little sister while they went ot work and went to Rhema to study to be ministers. i was not allowed to walk around the block because i smoked cigarettes.

16 I ran away from home. I ran to the police and told them what was going on. They took me away from them. They sent me to live with my real dad in virginia. this is where i messed up. I listened to my music too loud and when my stepmother hit me i slapeped back. so imoved in with my boyfriend.


21 left my boyfriend and moved back in with my parents. the molestation started again and i left. I hitched hiked across the country until I met someone. I fell in love and lived with him until I was 26. he would hit me whenever I argued with him. so I left pregnant with my son. (now I just told my age) I started living with another boyfriend. he was the crack addict. he is also the only father my son knew. and yes I smoked too.

when I was about 32 the dept. soc. services took my son away. I left my boyfriend and had nowhere to go. so once again I hitched hiked. I had a gun put to my head by a driver and that scared me. I thought for sure I was going to hell that night. so I called my mother and asked if I could come home. she said yes. I found out after I moved in with her I was pregnant again. I started going to college in order to make it on my own. I also made right with God. I started taping the church services. And the prayer services. well every time I had a test my mother had a fight. She hated the fact that I smoke cigs and made my life a living hell. But she agreed to let my son come up as long as he was in her custody. I wanted my son so bad I said fine. anything to have him with me. soon after he came up she went to hit him(not spank but hit) I stood in front of him and wouldn't let her hit him. I was kicked out that night with my newborn. I had nowhere to go so I ended up in a shelter. when my court date came up in fl I had no way to get there. the pastor was holding my money and refused to give any of it up so that I could at least get visitation rights. so I turned to the tried and true and hitched. That is when I met my husband. now this shelter was a christian shelter and because I hitched hiked I was not allowed to go back. so I was stuck. I asked a couple from the church to watch my baby long enough for me to get a place to live. this I did but because I moved to Ohio and was living with a man and left the church the pastor told me and my mom and the couple that I would never see my kids again. well I threatened kidnapping charges against the couple and got my baby back. my mom still wouldn't let me see my son. she wouldn't even let me know he was doing. I called at least 3 times a week to see if I could get information. I also asked dss to do a home study on me. They refused even though I had a court order. when we went to court my mother told them I was back on drugs(not true). That I had not even tried to contact my son and I just abandoned him. so even though all court orders were ignored by both dss and my mother all my rights were taken away and my son sent up to live with my brother. so there it is. the whole story.

now why would my mother do this. well according to her I seduced my step father. she blames me and wanted to get back at me. I was an innocent but as long as the blame was on me them her conscious was cleared. She is messed up in the mind. anything that any of us (ME or my 5 brothers and sisters) did while growing up has now moved to it all being me. anything positive was all them. never me.


I spent years wondering why god didn’t fulfill his promises. Why they are still succeeding and thriving. Where is all that fire that was suppose to be piled on their heads?

Then I find an Ex witch site and the people were so nice. I actually felt like I belonged and I felt accepted. I even tried the christian path again. But as it turns out these Christians were just like all the ones before. So I took some time out to figure out exactly where I am and what feels right to me. I find that I can’t completely give up all my beliefs.

Learning - GOD wants us to learn and grow in Him. Sometimes the only way to do that is through pain.

Commitment - GOD wants our full on commitment to Him. Sometimes testing is the only way for us to realize just what is involved in a commitment.

Love - GOD wants us to know just how much He loves us. When we are in a tough spot, He wants so much to show that love to us, but He needs us to call on Him first. Sometimes, when things are easy going and without challenge we forget GOD. Gentle reminders are put in place by GOD so we can remember to call on Him.

Patience - GOD calls on His followers to have patience. Remember, we do not make the schedules! If that were the case, I am sure Elijah would have hurried his spent time in the desert!



NONe of this applys. I can not believe in a God that would allow such things.

I have had patience. 26 years worth. I gave my heart to Jesus. I was living as God wanted. I forgave and forgave. Why when I called out to him was I ignored. I am no longer after revenge myself. I have done one spell in my life and it backfired on me. I haven't messed with it since, except to read.

****reaping what you sow. This explanation is mis-used many, many times and always has revenge written all over it. Revenge is for GOD to make use of and nothing else!****

Agreed. The reaping and sowing is for God. Well, I believe that there are spiritual rules. You can call it karma or reaping. Doesn't matter. Both are up to the creator.

"Revenge is Mine sayeth the Lord"

When is enough, enough. 70X 7?


I feel so trapped. I am afraid to trust God again, but I can't just turn around and go another direction. I have tried, and tried hard.

Here is a poem I wrote a few days ago. I pretty much sums up my state:

As I walk around my house alone in the black of night
I am so confused, do I go left or do I go right
I am trying so hard not to take flight
My heart is holding on with all it’s might

Wondering which way to turn
Either way, once again it’s time to burn
Everywhere I go, I face scorn
Maybe it’s time to really learn

I am always told it’s time to forgive
But Lord, is there anymore love to give
To say this is easy, would be a fib
But again Lord, is there anymore love to give

You say You are made up of Love
Sitting there, looking down, from above
Peace You say is gentle as a Dove
But the vice is around my heart, and fits like a glove


It’s like feels like second skin
Just like the pain from my closest of kin
My knees are so tough, can I make them bend
Or is Your love going to blow away with the wind

So here poised ready to fly
The pain grows worse with every tear from my eye
Oh Lord, not again, I don’t want to cry
But for now, I am just going to say bye

For I don’t like to be soft
I would rather be thrown off a loft
Never did I think this question would be so tough
You would think that by now I would have had enough

But the questions won’t leave my mind
So please be patient and kind
Remember it’s my heart that is on the line
Oh Lord, will peace and love ever me mine
Deb

There is no where to run to. I have done and seen it all. What if He really isn't there? What if He really doesn't care?

It is so hard when my head and my heart are at opposites. My head tells me to forget it all, it's fake, He doesn't love me, He is a liar. My heart says a different story. What if I start to see demons again? Or feel them? It use to be that I felt them when I was doing my craft. Now I feel them when I try and talk to God.

If I go back to God, will he come back and torcher me again? He has left me alone as long as I am no longer a christian, if I come back, will he?

I don't doubt the existance of God. I know He is there. I am mad and confused, but I know He exists.

The demon thing is not them wispering in my head. I know they do this. I am talking about KNOWING, and FEELING them in my house. I know what I want to say but it is hard to explain.

Satan is after those who are God's. Now, as long as I am not a christian then he has no reason to mess with me. I am worried that they will show up again once I go back. I have always felt like there was a reason he was after me. Here:

11 yrs. old: My mother wakes me up to tell me that Satan was in the house trying to kill me. (she tells me this gem, and then leaves me alone to deal with it)

14-16: I am told that demons are in the closet and I must sleep in the room when they go to work. (they worked nights). Funny how they never understood my need to flee the house after they leave.

It's like, when I am not right with God they don't bother me. Now that I am thinking about coming back, will they?

****What are you mad about?*****

Not one time has he been on my side. Not once has he answered my prayer. Not once has He ever been there for me.

****Do you fear that there is something wrong with your current lifestyle?****
No I have learned my lesson well. I smoke cigs, but that is all I do anymore. My son is too precious to me to lose him because of drugs. I am married and faithful, so nothing there.

Do you fear rejection?

Yes, of course I do. I have been rejected by every christian.

I have been waffling and going back and forth on this as well for the last 3+ years. Remember I was raised in a house that saw demons everywhere. In my parent's closet, Satan himself in the house to try and kill me (My mother woke me up in the middle of the night to deliver this piece of news), in toys (pokemon ect..), or at the pawn shop.

To be honest, after I lost my son, I hated god. I was taught that all witches were satan worshippers. I figured that since god didn't do anything, I would go to his enemy to get revenge. Well, I found out differently, but the thoughts that the "devil and his friends" inhabited my house was still real to me. I'd go to bed and get the chills. This had me questioning going against god. So I played the fence and started posting at EW (an exwitch site), the fear was "what if I am wrong?" What if I am struck down in the middle of a ritual? What if I went to far and my choice was gone? What if? What if?.........

I don't blame him for those things that are my doing. I take responsibility for what I have done, I also realize that there are consequences for my actions. I know that people have free will to choose their own path. But why when I was right with HIM and prayed with everything I had to for God to step in and be on my side. I was tellng the truth, they lied. Why didn't He ever answer?


Yes, I did seek with my heart. I speak in tongues, I have been used by the HS with His gifts. The gift of knowlege is one.

I know, now I sound like a baby with my wine. Wah wah.