Questions for Autumnleaf

[tryingtobeagain]

Hey Autumnleaf, I didn't want to derail another thread so I thought I would post a new one dedicated to you. I was trying to find some posts about you and figure out what your situation is so I thought this ight be easier. I really am interested in knowing your situation better and understanding. We are all here for support and I don't know what you have been through so would you mind telling us a bit about yourself?

Also if anyone else has questions for Autumnleaf feel free to post them here. Please remember that we are here to love and support each other though.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I've been married a long time to someone I love deeply. There have been hard times we've been through. Sticking with it seems to be the right thing to do most of the time.

Its never easy though.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

Life never seems to be easy period Autumnleaf. I think most of us are in that boat together. What difficulties are you having? I admire you and your wife's determination to stick it out throught hte tough times. Sometimes that makes a couple stronger.

 

[c1ners]

AutumnLeaf what I'd like to know is why do you have such an anger towards women? I sometimes get the feeling that you think we are beneath you. That a man can live without a woman, but yet a woman can not live without a man.

When you post sometimes you say things differently to a man. You'll tell the man to leave the woman if she is cheating, or not treating him good. You'll tell the man to kick her out on the streets where she belongs, but yet if a woman would post the same topic you would encourage her to stay. I don't understand.

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

That's a good point, after all in Christ there is neither male nor female.

 

[hope4today]

AutumnLeaf what I'd like to know is why do you have such an anger towards women? I sometimes get the feeling that you think we are beneath you. That a man can live without a woman, but yet a woman can not live without a man.

When you post sometimes you say things differently to a man. You'll tell the man to leave the woman if she is cheating, or not treating him good. You'll tell the man to kick her out on the streets where she belongs, but yet if a woman would post the same topic you would encourage her to stay. I don't understand.

I have seen the same pattern AL. When a man says he is having difficutly in his marriage I notice you tend to say things like Leave, she doesn't appreciate you,let her beg you to come back and similar. Yet when a woman posts of difficulties, including affairs and abuse you ask what she is doing wrong, and suggest there must be a reason he is doing it - that it is her fault.

I pray for you AL as there must be more to this than we know. I also sincerely ask that if you can only criticise the ladies on this forum who are struggling, that you do not post to them. When people are hurting, male or female, they do not need guilt and condemnation placed on them. Neither do men need to be encouraged to abandon their wives by leaving. I think those sort of comments to the men are even more damaging and I would sincerely pray you seek God on this.

I sincerely pray for you AL. I also let you know that when I see you post a thread that I believe is judging, critical and damaging I will respond to the OP to encourage her. I will do the same when you suggest a man should just leave.

Maybe you can help us to understand why you feel the way you do and interpret scripture the way you do.

I pray for blessing and peace on your life Auumnleaf.

Hope

 

[hope4today]

Autumleaf, I was just reading your thread in the marriage forum about guys giving up.

I am sorry things are so difficult for you and you feel that you are unappreciated.

I wonder if that is why you see the ladies here the way you seem to. Are you looking at each situation as if it were your own? Each situation is different and not all men and women are the same.

Just as you would like to be heard, when you tell how you get peeved about your situation, so would the women who have the reverse happening in their marriages like the same.

If you come on this forum expressing your pain at working hard to please your wife yet feel unappreciated, I hope we could hear and encourage you and not criticise you. The same for some of the women here who are feeling just the way you do but it is working in the opposite gender.

Let each one of us treat each other, male or female, how we would like to be treated.

Blessings in Christ

Hope

 

[HuntingMan]

I have seen the same pattern AL.

Seconded.
I read here a lot and I see the same pattern myself...as does my wife who reads and posts on CF.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Life never seems to be easy period Autumnleaf. I think most of us are in that boat together. What difficulties are you having? I admire you and your wife's determination to stick it out throught hte tough times. Sometimes that makes a couple stronger.

Okay, I'll open up a bit.

I'm a manager where I am in charge of around 4 to 6 people. Half of which are a heartbeat away from quitting at any given moment. Our customers are often rude and demanding so when I come home I'm exhausted. I come home to a mess! I come home late having not eaten supper to a sink full of dirty dishes when there are four people in my house who could have done them easily before I got home. I work to pay for the house that they mark up, poke holes in the walls, and generally disrespect while I am away. My wife seems to think I should kiss her butt when I get home, after kissing hundreds of them at work.

I am a highly experienced, highly educated, and well paid man. But I can not do this anymore. There is no place in my life where I get any respect. The sad thing is that I have money to alleviate some of my suffering. I don't know how most men do it when they are a paycheck away from homelessness!

I'm sure staying home with the children is really bad and enough for some women to ponder leaving their husbands over but from my perspective its a step away from heaven.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

Thanks for sharing a bit! I see you posting advice to everyone on here but never really opening up about yourself. I'm really glad we have the opportunity to get to know our fellow christian better

Your job sounds really tough. I've worked in a number of areas and customer service was one of the most exhausting. I know how difficult it is to try to please everyone around you so I sympathise with your situation. Hav eyou thought about another job? You sould like you have lots of skills and you may be able to find something that you feel better about. I know it can be difficult when you have a family to support but your health and happiness is worth it.

As for your home situation, I don't really know what to say. Please remember that the grass is always greener on the other side so what you feel is easy may not be for others. The chore issue should be solved with organization and respect for each other.

I know you feel like your wife wants you to "kiss her butt" but married couples should show their appreciation for each other. I'm not saying to suck up or anything, but sometimes it's as simple as complimenting the things you do for each other. Like the old saying goes... you get more flies with honey than with vinegar!

Once again I'm glad you shared. I am really interested to know your feelings on the husband/wife dynamic. How do you describe each role?

 

[dayknee]

Okay, I'll open up a bit.

I'm a manager where I am in charge of around 4 to 6 people. Half of which are a heartbeat away from quitting at any given moment. Our customers are often rude and demanding so when I come home I'm exhausted. I come home to a mess! I come home late having not eaten supper to a sink full of dirty dishes when there are four people in my house who could have done them easily before I got home. I work to pay for the house that they mark up, poke holes in the walls, and generally disrespect while I am away. My wife seems to think I should kiss her butt when I get home, after kissing hundreds of them at work.

I am a highly experienced, highly educated, and well paid man. But I can not do this anymore. There is no place in my life where I get any respect. The sad thing is that I have money to alleviate some of my suffering. I don't know how most men do it when they are a paycheck away from homelessness!

I'm sure staying home with the children is really bad and enough for some women to ponder leaving their husbands over but from my perspective its a step away from heaven.

Im sorry for what your enduring right now..I completely understand how you feel about working and coming home to a unkept house..I worked for many years and felt that way...Since becoming a stay at home mom and taking care of my two kids (10 and 15) I have always kept the house clean and the kichten is immaculate, mostly because i cant stand a dirty kitchen..I delegate to my children what they need to do to help me out and to keep our home nice..the pitch in..maybe you can sit with your kids (if they are old enough) and give them some things to do around the house to help your wife out and you
And for work, you sound like you are so overwhelemed..Im sorry about that and maybe seeing if there is anything out there for you that you might be much happier doing, you should consider.
You make a statement about having money..I chuckle becuase Im in a postition of that nature and yes it does aleviate some of the daily stresses knowing I can go and get some and use it for fun or temporary relief.
But in my position now being seperated and going to file for divorce I realize just how little it means..I would have much rather lived in an apt with minimal things then have this huge house, nice truck, huge pool, nice 5th wheel..these things have taken the place of a real marriage and a real open honest loving environment..I just want to caution you about possibly medicating pain that way..(not saying you are just cautioning)
My prayers are with you AL..
I know that counceling has helped me so much..It gave me more clarity then ive ever had about things I was so blind to..Im hoping your wife will maybe want to go with you and maybe you two can work on things starting there..
May God Bless you AL and your family

 

[overit]

Since you are paid well, how about hiring a housekeeper?

 

[Autumnleaf]

Since you are paid well, how about hiring a housekeeper?

How about quitting and going on welfare?

 

[Autumnleaf]

Last night I found out one of the better people quit!

I also worked with a sharp woman who looked like Fiona from Shrek, but she was not green.

 

[hope4today]

Autumnleaf, I am very sorry for the way you feel about your marriage. I have no idea what is actually happening in your home and as with other posters who talk about the difficulties they have with their spouses, I would suggest that some good counselling or pastoral help would be advised for you both. So you can both talk about what is happening and how you each feel about it. I am sorry when I hear that anyone is feeling mistreated and think that sometimes mediated communication can be of great assistance.

I pray that you will be able to work through this with your wife and you will both be able to love each other in ways that honour and respect both of you.

From other posts you have made that reflect the roles you believe are set for husbands and wives, I wonder if your wife may be feeling controlled and reacting to that. This is not an accusation just a possibility.

Just as you are feeling mistreated in your marriage, there are many woman out there who feel the same way about their husbands. I would ask that you would treat them the way you would like to be treated. I assume you would not like to be blamed for all the problems in your marriage and yet I hear you blaming woman for the problems in their marriages. There is a difference between looking at both sides of the story and simply throwing accusations at the hurting. Please consider they are probably hurting just as you are.
It would seem, by the way you post to men and women here, that you assume that all the men are doing their best to please their wives and are being rejected by them, but that the women who say they are being mistreated by their husbands must be at fault somehow or it wouldn't be happening. Neither women nor men are at fault or innocent based simply on their gender.

I pray you will have some revelation of seeing through the other person's eyes and not simply see all marriage situations the way you see your own.

Praying for your blessing, Autumnleaf

 

[WendyV]

It sounds as if your wife may have depression - if she does it probably is not a place that she can get herself out of and may need help, maybe not but it is very possible.