Questions about relationships

[Daniella_84]

I've been raised Methodist Christian my whole life and I'm struggling with some questions about dating.

I've recently (~4 months ago) broke up with my Christian boyfriend of over two years because his parents were under the impression that a Methodist girl was no good for their Fundamentalist son, and refused to let him see me. This is the first time in my life I've not been good enough for anything. I've worked hard all my life to get where I am (university) and I've been strong in my morals, not giving in to sex or drug abuse. I don't keep it a secret and try to encourage my friends to live the same way. Do all Fundamentalist families have this superiority complex? It's hard to meet moral, Christian guys when you're in your early 20s, let alone worrying about denominational prejudice.

Second question: Since then I've started seeing an old friend on a romantic level. We've been close for many years and he's very aware of my beliefs, and has made some radical changes in his life to win over my acceptance - stopping recreational drug usage, trying to quit smoking, he said he would give up sex (I have some... _trust_ concerns with this, but that's another story), and quit his old job which was... immoral at best. I'm so happy that he's willing to do all this for me, and I know if we break up he has no reason to continue with this newfound lifestyle, and will sink right back into it. It makes me feel so good to help someone, but I'm at the old problem of "Christians dating non-Christians". He's never been anything remotely spiritual and I'm not sure if I should leave him to sink again into sex, drugs and depression purely for this reason. Would this please God? Or should I take the new changes as a good sign that he wants a new life and introduce him to Jesus? I know that it will be spiritually risky, but I've cared about this person as a friend for such a long time, and he makes me very happy to be around.

Sorry this is so long. Thank you if you read the whole thing.

- Daniella

 

[Los]

You seem to be a smart girl with a lot going for you.

The battle for love is never as clear cut as we would like. Though, sometimes, others might have it easy while we struggle constantly for that one chance to be happy with someone for what the eternity might bring, we're quickly relegated to our realities, here in this world. So what does God have in plan for you? I would tell you that to go into any relationship should warrant some reservations, but no lingering suspicions in that once he does something wrong, you suddenly jump the gun and accuse him of making your world turn upside because you put several unrelated incidents together. God ultimately wants you to be happy and happy you will be. But someone who makes radically changes in the name of a girl, no offense, no matter how much he loves her, doesn't usually end up for the best. This is a change that he has to make himself because he knows that its the best thing to do, not because he's feeling compelled to do it.

With the issue of you, I applaud you for your sexual abstinence and moral character. Those issues speak volumes of you and I wish that I would've kept my pants on more often than not. While I don't come from a strict christian family, I do know that some parents tend to think their children are better than others, regardless of church affinity. Maybe its not just the church mentality but rather, just parenting as a whole.

The second question, though mostly answered in the first couple of lines, can also be surmized as this: If he truly loves you and wants you to be happy, then he must understand that he has to be happy, too. And, if you leave him to pursue something else, he has to accept that and move on with his life. If he sinks back into drugs and whatever else he was doing, then that's his call. You are not responsible for the actions of others and you must always remember that.

 

[Ave Maria]

I just wanted to answer your first question. No, not all Fundamentalists feel that way. Personally, I think it's kind of bigoted of someone to say that their son/daughter can't date someone simply because of their denomination. All Christians are brothers in sisters in Christ. It just really bothers me when I see people acting like that.

 

[InTheFlame]

Daniella - I'm sorry to hear your ex's parents didn't think you were good enough just because you're Methodist *sigh* You get people like that in all walks of life.

It sounds like you're on the rebound, though. And it's not smart to make decisions about new relationships when the pain of the old one hasn't left yet.

I hate to tell you - you could well be doing this guy more harm than good. It sounds as though he's making life changes for YOU, not for him. That's good while you're around AND while he cares more about making you happy than feeding his desires. What happens if you're not around, or if he doesn't have to chase you anymore and instead starts to see you as the nasty ogre who's telling him he shouldn't have fun? And OK, you're getting a high from rescuing him right now... but the burden of being responsible for him staying on the straight and narrow is going to get mighty heavy. You're effectively carrying the 2 people's responsibility burdens, not just one. Do you think it's really going to help him in the long term?

I know it's great to see someone move away from destructive behaviour. The problem is, destructive behaviour comes from attitudes, beliefs and thoughts from inside a person. Until THOSE are changed, the person is likely to destroy their own life anyway, even if it's by more subtle means. And the only person who can make those changes is the person who owns them.

I'm hoping a lot that you'll do this - read a book called Boundaries. Read it right through and think about what it says about a situation like yours. Pray lots, and come to a God-approved decision *hug* God bless.

 

[Lyle]

Do all Fundamentalist families have this superiority complex?

The funny thing is there is no such thing as a Christian Fundamentalist.. An elitist, yes.. But as a Christian we are to follow all of what the Bible teaches.. Which means going against the world, thus they do not like us. But the Christian life is to be a set apart life. Not like the world at all.

It's hard to meet moral, Christian guys when you're in your early 20s, let alone worrying about denominational prejudice.

It is, but they do exist...

Since then I've started seeing an old friend on a romantic level. We've been close for many years and he's very aware of my beliefs, and has made some radical changes in his life to win over my acceptance

WARNING. What you said sends up red flags all over the place. A change merely to win someone over is not a change at all. Unless he has gone to Christ for forgiveness and out of love for the sacrifice paid on the cross, you cannot date him. This is not a word from me, but from God. So if you are offended by this, it's not me you should turn off.. Missionary dating RARELY works, and it's far easier to be pulled down by him. Remember, any change outside of Christ working in a heart is no change at all.. You need to break up.. You must break up before things get worse...

 

[fishstix]

I've been raised Methodist Christian my whole life and I'm struggling with some questions about dating.

I've recently (~4 months ago) broke up with my Christian boyfriend of over two years because his parents were under the impression that a Methodist girl was no good for their Fundamentalist son, and refused to let him see me. This is the first time in my life I've not been good enough for anything. I've worked hard all my life to get where I am (university) and I've been strong in my morals, not giving in to sex or drug abuse. I don't keep it a secret and try to encourage my friends to live the same way. Do all Fundamentalist families have this superiority complex? It's hard to meet moral, Christian guys when you're in your early 20s, let alone worrying about denominational prejudice.

No, not all such fundamentalist families are like that. Some are and some aren't. Just as in any other type of church you will find some families who are like that and some who aren't.

Second question: Since then I've started seeing an old friend on a romantic level. We've been close for many years and he's very aware of my beliefs, and has made some radical changes in his life to win over my acceptance - stopping recreational drug usage, trying to quit smoking, he said he would give up sex (I have some... _trust_ concerns with this, but that's another story), and quit his old job which was... immoral at best. I'm so happy that he's willing to do all this for me, and I know if we break up he has no reason to continue with this newfound lifestyle, and will sink right back into it. It makes me feel so good to help someone, but I'm at the old problem of "Christians dating non-Christians". He's never been anything remotely spiritual and I'm not sure if I should leave him to sink again into sex, drugs and depression purely for this reason. Would this please God? Or should I take the new changes as a good sign that he wants a new life and introduce him to Jesus? I know that it will be spiritually risky, but I've cared about this person as a friend for such a long time, and he makes me very happy to be around.

Sorry this is so long. Thank you if you read the whole thing.

- Daniella

You are not responsible for this guy's lifestyle choices - he is. He should be making good choices for himself and God, not only for you. If he were to go back to his old habits upon breaking up with you (or upon having a relationship with you long enough that he doesn't feel the need to impress you anymore) that would not be your fault and would be an indicator that he wasn't really serious about those changes in the first place. 'Missionary dating' isn't a good idea - and that includes going out with someone so that they will change the way they act. Introducing him to Jesus is a good idea - but do it as a friend not as a girlfriend. Because like you said, if your relationship changes - either a breakup or no longer feeling the need to impress each other - he will need to have a more solid foundation for his faith than just trying to make you happy. If you break up with him and he goes back to his old ways, God isn't going to be upset with you or hold you responsible. On the other hand if you keep going out with him and he drags you down or you end up in a hurting relationship or unhappy marriage with the guy after he quits trying to impress you, God is going to be hurting along with you. I would suggest not pursuing a romantic relationship with the guy at this point in time.

 

[Friendship]

first question well being religous does not make you a christian

second question its great that you want to lead this guy to the Lord but if he is only changing to win you over and you have trust issues they are probably with good reason,
you should be his friend nothing more unless you know there is a real change in him for hisself because if he will return to his old ways if you leave chances are he will if you marry him too and then you are stuck in a world of mess then because I am sure he knows you have feeling about divorce as well and also knowing of your innocence well guys will go through alot of trouble to be the one to take that from you so I would not go down that road but most importantly PRAY ask God to send someone in your life because he knows who is perfect for you and it may require patience on your part but if you put your faith in God he will send the right person your way and pray about all the guys you meet because he will let you know if it the right one and back to question one maybe this guy was removed from your life for a reason.

 

[forgivenmuch]

i feel you was wronged in the realtionship with your boy friend of 2 yrs.. his parents should of let him make his choice...
now to the other boyfriend.... no man can change with out God first in thier life.. he might be telling you hes not doing drugs are sex... beware... you just cant stop those things with out God.. he might do them behind your back... lets see the facts ..here..
you really have trust in him that he wont do them things.. and you believe him because you think hes going to change just for you.. wake up...dont be ignorant.. you seem smart in many ways..be smart in this too... your looking for love in the wrong place girl. let love find you.. it will come..with the RIGHT person ... dont sell out to things like this.. wittness to him ..and move on... you got so much going for you. drugs and premarital sex is sin ..and when we hang with people like this.. it will eventualy effect us.. dont yoke with it.. come out from it.. Gods got something better in store.. not bitter ... pray for him and tell him .. that you are moving on.. and do so.

 

[Radagast]

... He's never been anything remotely spiritual and I'm not sure if I should leave him to sink again into sex, drugs and depression purely for this reason. Would this please God? Or should I take the new changes as a good sign that he wants a new life and introduce him to Jesus? I know that it will be spiritually risky, but I've cared about this person as a friend for such a long time, and he makes me very happy to be around.

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult situation.

But in answer to your second question, there is a command in the Bible to not be "unequally yoked" with unbelievers (see the appropriate forum on that topic). The importance of witnessing to your friend does not mean that you should break that rule (and if you are seeing each other romantically, you may have come very close to breaking it already).

I pray that God will comfort you in this difficult time, and that at some time in the future you will find a Christian partner with a less problematic family...

-- Radagast

 

[Daniella_84]

Thank you so much to everyone for the help. I've been praying about this every night and I've gotten an answer. He just got an opportunity to move to Florida with his work (reparing the hurricane damage) and is leaving in a month. How much clearer of a sign do I need?

Thanks for the support and prayers. Much love,

- Daniella