Questionable parenting overheard on the bus

[LovebirdsFlying]

I just arrived home. On the bus, several seats behind me, there was a pre-school, possibly kindergarten-age child with her parents. The little girl was having trouble controlling her tone of voice and asking nicely for what she wanted, which prompted her mother to rebuke her with "You don't yell at me!" Her father followed with, "Yell at your mother again, and I'll pop you in the mouth!" This threat was made several times before they got off the bus. Apparently it's his go-to phrase for keeping his children in line. What disturbs me is, it wouldn't work unless she knew what it was like to *be* popped in the mouth.

I didn't know what to do. I kept a vigilant ear open, in case the father actually did injure the child, which he did not. But even if he had, how would I report strangers on a bus when I have no information on who they are or where to send help?

Yes, I know parents need to discipline their children. Yes, I know that too many children have no idea how to be respectful, or don't feel the need to be. I myself have lamented the fact that nowadays, parents fear even correcting their children because of the threat of CPS involvement. But "I'll pop you in the mouth"? That is not discipline. That is abuse.

If I had spoken up, it would only have aroused hostility in the parents, and possibly endangered the child later. I know if it were me as a child, being verbally abused and then someone spoke up, at the first private moment, I would have gotten, "You made a fool out of me on the bus!" And this would have made my punishment greater.

Yet I'm not going to say it was "none of my business," since children are our future, and the abuse of them is everyone's business.

Is there anything at all I could have done?

Posted in WWMC and Parenting for multiple points of view.

 

[illudium_phosdex]

I don't know. My mom smacked me in the mouth a few times for being sassy and I'm no worse off for it. I guess I don't have a problem with it if the kid is indeed being sassy. I would depend on the "pop" for me. There's a big difference between a little reminder smack on the mouth and a punch or a slap, ya know?

I'm not saying I've ever done it to either of my kids. Usually a quick "shush" takes care of it with them but I've seen other parents do it and, yeah, I can't say that I have a huge problem with it as long as it doesn't go overboard.

Here's what I would have done if I had been in your place. I'd have told the guy to quit threatening to pop her in the mouth and do it. Maybe the reason she continued with her behavior is because he's made the threat many times without following through and now she realizes it's an empty threat.

 

[ChildByGrace]

I don't know. My mom smacked me in the mouth a few times for being sassy and I'm no worse off for it. I guess I don't have a problem with it if the kid is indeed being sassy. I would depend on the "pop" for me. There's a big difference between a little reminder smack on the mouth and a punch or a slap, ya know?

I'm not saying I've ever done it to either of my kids. Usually a quick "shush" takes care of it with them but I've seen other parents do it and, yeah, I can't say that I have a huge problem with it as long as it doesn't go overboard.

Here's what I would have done if I had been in your place. I'd have told the guy to quit threatening to pop her in the mouth and do it. Maybe the reason she continued with her behavior is because he's made the threat many times without following through and now she realizes it's an empty threat.

I agree

 

[Brandlynn]

Right. The probability is that if they would quit making the empty threats and start doing it, then the girl would not have kept sassing them.

I am not too sure about popping the mouth, though. I would be afraid that a tooth would accidently get broken off or something and then it would end up with an abcess. This happened one time to my hubby when he was a kid. One other little boy threw a big rock at him, hit him in the mouth, and bloodied up his mouth. A few days later he began running a high fever and was admitted to the hospital. They could not figure out what was going on until they x rayed his mouth. They then found out that he had an abcess tooth. It almost killed him. So I would be afraid to pop the mouth.

There are other forms of punishment, though. Like taking her favorite toys away, if she was old enough, write sentences of "I will not act up in public anymore" 25,50,100, times. Depending on the age. Make her do without dessert at dinner. Something. I am not too much up on popping the mouth, though.

 

[lucypevensie]

I work in a retail environment and I often hear parents speak to their kids in that manner. ("I'm gonna whup your [butt]!", "Shut up!", etc.) The thing that strikes me is how loud and obvious they are about it, not secretive about it all. They say it loudly enough that it can be heard 1 or 2 (or more) aisles away. I don't know, but I would wager a bet that most real physical abuse takes place behind closed doors in secret. I think a lot of these parents are just trying to sound big and important and like a great parent who is in control of their child's antics. I'm not trying to excuse the verbal threats, however. It is still abusive in its own way. I'm just not sure that it's always worth stepping in and possibly escalating into someting that could split up a family or something drastic.

 

[MKJ]

I don't know. My mom smacked me in the mouth a few times for being sassy and I'm no worse off for it. I guess I don't have a problem with it if the kid is indeed being sassy. I would depend on the "pop" for me. There's a big difference between a little reminder smack on the mouth and a punch or a slap, ya know?

I'm not saying I've ever done it to either of my kids. Usually a quick "shush" takes care of it with them but I've seen other parents do it and, yeah, I can't say that I have a huge problem with it as long as it doesn't go overboard.

Here's what I would have done if I had been in your place. I'd have told the guy to quit threatening to pop her in the mouth and do it. Maybe the reason she continued with her behavior is because he's made the threat many times without following through and now she realizes it's an empty threat.

Are you serious?

OP, I don't think there is much you could do. One hopes it was only hyperbole on the father's part.

 

[Lena75]

I don't think there's alot you can do. And if you do say or do something to the parents in public, it will only cause a bigger scene for everyone including the kids. Not everyone can be a parenting police.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I appreciate everyone's input. When the father said "I'll pop you in the mouth," I had mental images of cut, bleeding lips. *shudder* I hope that, as MKJ said, the threats meant no more than when my mother used to say, "I'll break your neck." Of course she really didn't mean she would--but her physical discipline did sometimes cross the line.

As for those saying, "Stop threatening and do it," I think the point is, act instead of talking. Don't actually pop the child in the mouth. That's what butts are for. I do advocate spanking in the form of one or two swats in the proper place, for a child too young to be reasoned with, but I have seen the concept of corporal punishment so badly misused that I am squeamish about the very thought.

Atlas and CBG have a point, in that they are probably picturing something I've observed many times. A parent who is all talk, no action. For example, a mother in a waiting room, speaking to about a two-year-old: "Charley, come here. Charley! Come here! I said, come here. Charley, you'd better come here like I said. Stop playing with that bubble gum machine, and come here NOW!" Etc. And I'm always thinking, woman, quit your yammering, get up off your hind end and go get him. There is no reason to put up with disobedience from a toddler. We outweigh them.

I'm also a strong advocate of the one-word technique. Use a single word or phrase, instead of talking yourself blue in the face. "Bedtime." "Shhh." "Coat." "Homework." "Chores." Or in the case of the crabby pre-schooler, "Tone." If parents have taught their children proper behavior, a short reminder is often all that's necessary. And if they don't do what they're told the FIRST time, consequences follow.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

I don't know. My mom smacked me in the mouth a few times for being sassy and I'm no worse off for it. I guess I don't have a problem with it if the kid is indeed being sassy. I would depend on the "pop" for me. There's a big difference between a little reminder smack on the mouth and a punch or a slap, ya know?

I'm not saying I've ever done it to either of my kids. Usually a quick "shush" takes care of it with them but I've seen other parents do it and, yeah, I can't say that I have a huge problem with it as long as it doesn't go overboard.

Here's what I would have done if I had been in your place. I'd have told the guy to quit threatening to pop her in the mouth and do it. Maybe the reason she continued with her behavior is because he's made the threat many times without following through and now she realizes it's an empty threat.

This.

 

[£amb]

I just arrived home. On the bus, several seats behind me, there was a pre-school, possibly kindergarten-age child with her parents. The little girl was having trouble controlling her tone of voice and asking nicely for what she wanted, which prompted her mother to rebuke her with "You don't yell at me!" Her father followed with, "Yell at your mother again, and I'll pop you in the mouth!" This threat was made several times before they got off the bus. Apparently it's his go-to phrase for keeping his children in line. What disturbs me is, it wouldn't work unless she knew what it was like to *be* popped in the mouth.

I didn't know what to do. I kept a vigilant ear open, in case the father actually did injure the child, which he did not. But even if he had, how would I report strangers on a bus when I have no information on who they are or where to send help?

Yes, I know parents need to discipline their children. Yes, I know that too many children have no idea how to be respectful, or don't feel the need to be. I myself have lamented the fact that nowadays, parents fear even correcting their children because of the threat of CPS involvement. But "I'll pop you in the mouth"? That is not discipline. That is abuse.

If I had spoken up, it would only have aroused hostility in the parents, and possibly endangered the child later. I know if it were me as a child, being verbally abused and then someone spoke up, at the first private moment, I would have gotten, "You made a fool out of me on the bus!" And this would have made my punishment greater.

Yet I'm not going to say it was "none of my business," since children are our future, and the abuse of them is everyone's business.

Is there anything at all I could have done?

Posted in WWMC and Parenting for multiple points of view.

We can't be too quick to judge the parents. We don't know what kind of day these people have had beforehand and why they reacted the way they did. They may be the most wonderful, loving parents in the world to their children and had a bad day and just took their frustration out. I'm not saying what they did was right, but what could you honestly do? I know as a parent myself, I've said harsh things to my kids out of frustration but that doesn't make me an abuser (which is a label thrown around too easily nowadays) or a horrible parent. If you caught me at my low point, you would think so not knowing that I am a very good parent.

 

[Just4Jesus]

I don't know. My mom smacked me in the mouth a few times for being sassy and I'm no worse off for it. I guess I don't have a problem with it if the kid is indeed being sassy. I would depend on the "pop" for me. There's a big difference between a little reminder smack on the mouth and a punch or a slap, ya know?

I'm not saying I've ever done it to either of my kids. Usually a quick "shush" takes care of it with them but I've seen other parents do it and, yeah, I can't say that I have a huge problem with it as long as it doesn't go overboard.

Here's what I would have done if I had been in your place. I'd have told the guy to quit threatening to pop her in the mouth and do it. Maybe the reason she continued with her behavior is because he's made the threat many times without following through and now she realizes it's an empty threat.

I agree