Question for married guys..

[solosoprano]

First off, I'm a new member and I can't figure out the forum rules for individual folders, so if I'm breaking a rule, sorry!

I was wondering something. I know how marriage revolves around more than just sex, but if you knew before marriage (or I guess didn't find out til after you were married) that your fiancee or wife wouldn't be physically able to consummate the marriage, would you still marry her/have married her? I've heard different men say different things about it, but I was just wondering what y'all think.

I can't say I understand male minds, but my question is partly because if I got married today a disorder (severe vestibulitis) would keep me from any consummation-- at least until there is a suitable treatment for me (which there is not as of now), and I'm wondering just how that would be handled within a Christian marriage-- and just to get opinions if it were true for you and your spouse. TIA

 

[seebs]

I would think that, as long as you were open to other activities, it wouldn't inherently be a problem.

 

[mac6195]

I'll be honest. I feel it would be hard for a lot of guys, whether christian or not. I do agree it would be necessary to be open to other activities to draw together in intimacy.

 

[invisiblebabe]

My husband says yes, he would have still married me.

 

[sf49erfan]

It all depends on the guy.

Sex is very important. If you were open to other avenues (oral, anal, etc.) some guys might be okay with it.

I don't know anything about the condition you have, but having children is important to some men and therefore you would have to discuss artifical insemination and other options BEFORE marriage or you could run into a lot of trouble later.

 

[solosoprano]

It all depends on the guy.

Sex is very important. If you were open to other avenues (oral, anal, etc.) some guys might be okay with it.

I don't know anything about the condition you have, but having children is important to some men and therefore you would have to discuss artifical insemination and other options BEFORE marriage or you could run into a lot of trouble later.

Having children and getting pregnant (for me) isn't a problem, unless there's something I don't know about. Lol. Any type of penetration is what I can't tolerate, not even by a q-tip...so I could have kids, but (right now at least) not have sex.

 

[Million Pieces]

Well I would say that getting pregnant is going to be a problem for you, considering there's a fairly major step involved that you admit you can't tolerate right now.

I am obviously not male, but I do want to say that from my perspective, I would still marry my dh if I knew that it would not have been consummated.

 

[solosoprano]

**edited because I posted the same thing twice**

 

[solosoprano]

Well I would say that getting pregnant is going to be a problem for you, considering there's a fairly major step involved that you admit you can't tolerate right now.

I am obviously not male, but I do want to say that from my perspective, I would still marry my dh if I knew that it would not have been consummated.

Lol. I think I meant I didn't have reproductive issues (eggs aren't faulty, both my ovaries work, etc).

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

There was a guy that used to post here that had been married a yr, and they never consumated the marriage. She had a psycological issue(too painful, vagina would close up etc) When he mentioned it, it was never in a form of complaint..alswys in the form of compassion and understanding.

 

[Jocristian]

I would say that most guys would not have a problem with it provided you were open to other activites AND you were open with him about it before marriage.

I know I would be mad (whether deserved or not) if my wife just sprang that type of problem on me on the wedding night.

 

[solosoprano]

I would say that most guys would not have a problem with it provided you were open to other activites AND you were open with him about it before marriage.

I know I would be mad (whether deserved or not) if my wife just sprang that type of problem on me on the wedding night.

Well, of the two other women I've met with my condition, one didn't find out until the first time she tried to have sex-- which happened to be on her wedding night. I can understand being mad though, but I'm wondering how much understanding someone would have.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

if I remember, that condition mentioned above is called vaginismus(sp?), which can be overcome with patience and therapy.

I would have married my wife.

The only thing that would be a struggle for me is if I would be unable to give her [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] as I see sex as giving rather than getting. You don't have to have sex in order to achieve that.

 

[solosoprano]

if I remember, that condition mentioned above is called vaginismus(sp?), which can be overcome with patience and therapy.

I would have married my wife.

The only thing that would be a struggle for me is if I would be unable to give her [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] as I see sex as giving rather than getting. You don't have to have sex in order to achieve that.

Vaginismus and vulvodynia/vestibulitis are two completely different conditions. Vaginismus is primarily psychological and causes women to get spasms, and vulvodynia and vestibulitis are physical disorders dealing with nerve endings and pain (not because of something mental). I don't have any mental blocks, but I do have vestibulitis, and I happen to be allergic to the only meds that exist for it, and surgery was unsuccessful. It's easier to get over vaginismus because of it's nature (you can have therapy, etc), and the fact that it's a mental problem rather than physical. It's harder for doctors to do something about a primarily physical problem that they cannot fully understand. Vestibulitis may have 300% more nerve endings than a normal woman in the area, and therefore be subject to pain at the slighest touch or pressure; vaginismus, on the other hand, is largely due to the mind's effect on the body. I may be wrong about a few things, but I'm premed biology major and I've tried to get it covered. I guess that, and the fact that I'm devoting my life to trying to find treatment for it, I've covered most of my bases.

 

[indagroove]

I would like to think God brought me to my wife, and I would have married her no matter what.

With that perspective, I think there are real men out there, that in Christ, would love you as God's beautiful daughter. Of course in your courtship, you would have disclosed any and all preexisting conditions, because a loving couple is 100% open and honest. Therefore, after getting married there are no unrealistic expectations from either party. But let me say this. Vaginal intercourse is not the only means of making love. My wife and I make love sitting on opposite sides of the kitchen table, or just our legs touching while watching a movie. It is God's love that brings us together, and through him, all things are possible.

Leave it to God , and he will bring someone to you when he thinks you are ready.


Philippians 4:6-7
6.Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7.And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.



God Bless.

 

[Andry]

My husband says yes, he would have still married me.

Unfair!! That's like my wife asking me if she was fat.....I ain't stupid.....

 

[Redguard]

if I remember, that condition mentioned above is called vaginismus(sp?), which can be overcome with patience and therapy.

I would have married my wife.

The only thing that would be a struggle for me is if I would be unable to give her [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] as I see sex as giving rather than getting. You don't have to have sex in order to achieve that.

Don't worry, Mr. Cheese!

Even if her vagina won't open up, most (if not, all) female [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] are triggered by clitoral stimulation.

 

[Derek44]

I would've married my wife in a heartbeat... though sex is an important and valid thing in a marriage, it wouldnt hold me back from marrying the love of my life because we werent able to.

 

[solosoprano]

Well, I suspected that you'd still have married your wives regardless. But I don't think it'd be smooth sailing after that; I think there would be a rift of some sort (whether big or small), and that's really what I'm curious about.

 

[TheDag]

Your right it may not be smooth sailing but then if you are committed to each other and open and honest in communicating with each other then i don't believe that there is anything that will overcome. You may want to make sure you have a support group of close friends (different for each of you) and maybe someone you can talk to together to help but you can get through it. How easy or hard it will be none of us can say as we don't know you and don't know how you go working out differences and difficulties. Hang in there pray about it, talk about it and make sure you have a support group so no matter what happens you have people you can lean on.