Question about sexual responsibilities

[seattlegirl]

I've been married for just over two years (together 7) and have a 6 month old son. I'm currently 2 1/2 months pregnant with our next child.

I'm struggling with my feelings on having sex with my husband, for a number of reasons. The primary being that I'm exhausted all the time The secondary reason is much more serious however. My husband is very overweight. Morbidly obese in fact. This was not an issue for him when we were dating (he was chubby, but not overly so), but about 4 years ago he started steadily gaining and hasn't stopped.

I've always been lackadaisical about sex, but I've become completely indifferent since the enormous weight gain. I go out of my way to avoid being intimate with him because, and I'll be completely honest here, his body is disgusting to me. I love him in every other way and we are truly the best of friends, but I just cannot be sexually or physically attracted to him in any way. A big part of the issue is that he refuses to make serious changes to his lifestyle to fix the problem. He refuses to see doctors, blames me for not making healthy enough meals, and just recently started going to the gym, though it literally (no exaggeration) took ME getting up at 4:30am, waking him up, finding his clothes and getting him out the door. Although he knows he has a problem, he seems to lack the willpower to fix it or even seek real help.

Anyway, didn't mean to ramble, but thought the background may be important... My main issue is that I KNOW that there are sexual responsibilities I have towards my husband. How can I change my mindset so that I'm able to look past the weight and the attitude and fulfill those duties with some enjoyment? He has said he can't blame me for not being attracted to him (though I've never ever told him this), but its obvious that our lack of sex is hurting him. I would say that in the past two years we've only had sex maybe 10 times, and since the baby was born, only twice. I feel enormous guilt for the avoidance and withholding, but I can't seem to get over these issues.

Thanks for any feedback you may have!

 

[Katydid]

Well, I would suggest that you pray about it. But, that is the answer everyone gives. I think you are looking for a little more than that. So I will do my best to help. First, I would avoid all outside influences on your definition of what is attracted. What I mean is that if you are watching Mel Gibson all day and then try to be attracted to your husband, it is even more difficult. I would also suggest writing down all the things you love about your husband. All the inner things that are attractive about him, start focusing on them. Try working with him in his goals to lose weight. Put the baby in a stroller and take an evening walk around the neighborhood. Do this nightly and take this time to talk about things and find other aspects of him you are attracted to. Get a cookbook on healthy meals, and try to make him some nice healthy meals. And of course, most importantly, pray. I hope this gives you at least a few ideas. I am sorry I am not more helpful, but I pray that this at leasts helps to give you a start.

 

[andiesmama]

First off, welcome to CF!! I agree with the poster above me (duh, forgot to quote it )....but I was going to say some of the same stuff. First & foremost, pray to God for guidance & support. I think the family walk at night is a great idea!! And would your hubby get involved in helping you plan the meals? Buy a cookbook that you all can look at together, or go online to like foodtv.com to get ideas as well. I had great luck with an online diet thing called ediets, it's inexpensive & you can choose what plan you like, and get weekly menus & recipes. And yes, I agree too that you should think about the inner beauty of your husband, or even pick out some little physical things that turn you on...his eyes, his smile, his hands, etc.

PS...I'd like to invite you over to the Women's Discussion group (located in this same forum, Life Stages)...we're a great bunch of gals & talk about anything & everything, non-stop! Drop by if you have a chance!!

 

[InTheFlame]

SG, I think you had a point when you said the background might be important. I understand physical attraction is an issue for you in itself (and I think the above advice is good), but I'm also thinking that your relationship might be having a couple of problems. Not major ones, but worth looking at. What got my attention was, it seems YOU have to take responsibility for his weight loss before he's interested in doing anything about it. That worries me a little, because it says that maybe your (meaning the two of you) boundaries are getting confused. By boundaries, I mean things you'll each take responsibility for. I'm responsible for the food that goes into my mouth, for example, although I may ask my husband to avoid bringing home food that's unhealthy but very tempting, to help me out. So I won't blame him if I feel sick after eating half a mudcake (don't put it past me!), I'll blame myself.

I'm wondering, assuming there are some taking-responsibility issues there, if this has anything to do with your loss of libido? I know I'd feel a LOT less like sex (and I'm usually fairly keen) if I was feeling blamed for something I didn't have control over, or felt I had to try and control something I couldn't.

 

[Buzz Dixon]

Have you considered giving him incentives? "When you lose X lbs, I'll do Y; when you lose Z lbs, I'll do A, etc." It has to be something you feel comfortable with and not immoral, but that still leaves a lotta options open!

 

[Andy Broadley]

I am ashamed and I repent.

I am the other side of this coin. At 5'11" and almost 17 stone this thread has given me a great deal to think about.

From what I can gather from the mens forum our frequency of love making seems to be about average, which probably goes to show how lucky I am to be married to this lady.

Apart from the issue of physical attraction, I imagine my wife must find it very uncomfortable as well.

As I said, I repent. The diet starts now.

 

[mghalpern]

I am ashamed and I repent.

I am the other side of this coin. At 5'11" and almost 17 stone this thread has given me a great deal to think about.

From what I can gather from the mens forum our frequency of love making seems to be about average, which probably goes to show how lucky I am to be married to this lady.

Apart from the issue of physical attraction, I imagine my wife must find it very uncomfortable as well.

As I said, I repent. The diet starts now.

Andy... I am confused... are you the husband of "seattlegirl?"

 

[mghalpern]

seattlegirl... Is Andy Broadley your husband?...Michael

 

[Kelly]

seattlegirl, don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Your situation is somewhat similar to my wife's.

We have a 5 year old girl and an 11 month old son - My wife is a stay at home mom and is next to exhaustion by the time I get home. I do the cooking and help clean, but our son is literally draining her of her lifeforce! He's super depended on mom for comfort. If he wakes up in the wee hours of the a.m., I can't comfort him and get him back to sleep. I tried once and it took 45 minutes of him wailing in my arms. I'm the guy to come to for fun daddy stuff but he won't take comfort from me and it really bothers me.

So she's with the kids all day, when we get the kids down to sleep she just wants an hour or two to read, surf the web, study the bible, watch television or work on a hobby (knitting/candlemaking) - basically, be a human being. Most of the time, our son wakes up or won't go down in the first place making this free-time down to something like 20 minutes unless you cut into sleep time.

I'm 6'2" and 340lbs. I'm obese. I know my size has made my wife less attracted to me. My food habits have caused her to gain about 40 lbs in 10 years of knowing me (married 7).

I know I have to do something about it but I can't seem to stay on any regimen for any length of time. I do know a lot about what I need to do and if your husband needs some accountability/fellowship in that regard please contact me. I need to get back on the diet/exercise horse again anyway. I know the effects that obesity can cause, including type 2 diabetes which I have. He needs to have a full physical and bloodwork check to make sure he's not type 2. Type 2 can 'go away' through weight loss, proper diet and exercise.

 

[whatseekye]

Go deep in to the agape love that God shed abroad in your heart. Pray for it. Don't let yourself lapse in to indifference. I guess that's all I can say in response. I genuinely hope that you find a way to change your attitude in this because it's easier to change your attitude than it is for someone with a tendency to be overweight to drop the weight.

 

[seattlegirl]

Thank you all for your kind advice and words. Its given me lots to think about. No, Andy is not my husband

InTheFlame, I think you hit something there. I DO feel like I'm blamed for what I cannot control and that does create a resentful spirit in me... Its like, 'I not only have to care for this little baby, the household chores, and the pets, but I have to monitor every bite you take and the amount of time you spend at the gym?'. Oy!

Kelly, your 11 mo old could be twins with my 6 mo old They sound very much alike in their Mommy needs! I am going to continue pressuring him to visit the doctor and to get the bloodwork. Diabetes has been something I've been worried about lately with him as it runs in his family.

The good news is that he's been to the gym every day this week (except for today, since baby was up between 1-5). I'm praying that he will be inspired to continue!

I'm also coming out of the 'tired' stage of the current pregnancy and so perhaps this will help me in giving my dear husband the affections he needs and deserves.

Again, I thank all of you... Hearing your thoughts has really cheered me.

 

[A6A4]

Have you tried talking to him regarding this issue? Also I know that you are pregnant, maybe you both can get involved in a low stress exercise program. You could go to get yourself ready to have the child and he can go to loose weight. I am a mother of 2 and did an exercise program that really helped me strengthen myself. Anyway, back to the subject, or ask him if he would like to join the gym and you could go with him. I know that you would not be able to lift weights because of being pregnant, but you could go to keep him company. I hope everything works out for you and remember to be honest with him.

 

[mghalpern]

I'm 6'2" and 340lbs. I'm obese. I know my size has made my wife less attracted to me. My food habits have caused her to gain about 40 lbs in 10 years of knowing me (married 7).

I know I have to do something about it but I can't seem to stay on any regimen for any length of time. I do know a lot about what I need to do and if your husband needs some accountability/fellowship in that regard please contact me. I need to get back on the diet/exercise horse again anyway. I know the effects that obesity can cause, including type 2 diabetes which I have. He needs to have a full physical and bloodwork check to make sure he's not type 2. Type 2 can 'go away' through weight loss, proper diet and exercise.

Kelly... I too had been in a similar situation (5' 8" - 287 lbs.), but thankfully I have lost 72 lbs (unfortunately, I haven't grown an inch) since this past January. I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, Hypertension, and High Cholesterol about a year and a half ago, but with this much weight loss, I have a very clean bill of health...no more pills required! I hope to lose about another 30 lbs. I encourage you my brother...you can do it...Michael

 

[seattlegirl]

A6A4, I have discussed the issue with him many times. Its difficult because his feelings get hurt very easily about this subject, and understandably so. Regardless of the situation, who would want to hear that their spouse does not find them particularly desirable in a physical way? I try to focus more on the health issue... His kids and I want him around for a long time! It does seem that my conversations of late have been getting through without hurt feelings (thank you Lord!) as he has taken some action.

Good idea about the gym (I'd love to go!) but we can't afford it. We squeezed his membership into the budget because we felt it was *that* important, but adding me would double that cost. However, I have been doing some pregnancy yoga and such at home which does seem to inspire him.

 

[InTheFlame]

SG - just a quick addition - if you see ANY weight loss in the next week, no matter how slight, even if you think you've imagined it, mention it as a compliment... a bit of encouragement at the right time can do wonders.

 

[Cright]

I've been doing my best to lose weight for awhile now.. I've gone down about 35 lbs in the last 4or 5 months... it's not easy.. but man I feel so much better!

The easiest way for me to stay on track is to have an accountibility person.. or in my case people. I go on forum.lowcarber.org everyday and post there! I keep track of my progress.. every .5 of a pound is a celebration for me. I still have a long way to go at 5'2" and 170 lbs.. but every .5lb adds up.. because i celebrated all the way down from 205.
another hint is not to step on the scale every day because people go up and down so much.. pick a day of the week and weigh that same day every week (like every Monday or something).

excellent job encourageing him... and remember... the 'responsibilities' in the bedroom... are exercise too!

God Bless,
Carina

 

[mghalpern]

I've been doing my best to lose weight for awhile now.. I've gone down about 35 lbs in the last 4or 5 months... it's not easy.. but man I feel so much better!

The easiest way for me to stay on track is to have an accountibility person.. or in my case people. I go on forum.lowcarber.org everyday and post there! I keep track of my progress.. every .5 of a pound is a celebration for me. I still have a long way to go at 5'2" and 170 lbs.. but every .5lb adds up.. because i celebrated all the way down from 205.
another hint is not to step on the scale every day because people go up and down so much.. pick a day of the week and weigh that same day every week (like every Monday or something).

excellent job encourageing him... and remember... the 'responsibilities' in the bedroom... are exercise too!

God Bless,
Carina

Carina... That's awesome! Keep up the great work...Michael

 

[Kelly]

Another way you can remind him that he needs to lose weight. You want him to see your babies' babies. I don't want to die before I'm a grandpa!

 

[Andy Broadley]

Sorry if I caused a bit of confusion there. Got enough to cope with being overweight without adding bigomy to the list.


Diet day 2. Stuck to it so far

 

[lancers1990]

Hi,

I would suggest that you check out firstplace.org. They are a Christian church-based weight loss-weight maintenance organization.

They might have a group in your area.

Alos, you don't need to go to the gym to work-out. Check out some of the early-morning work-out shows on television. Most are home-friendly and you could tape one so you could use it at any time of the day.

Fitness is very important during pregnancy. Keep up the yoga and keep encouraging him to get in shape too. Remember this one very important fact: your kids are watching you. They learn how to be adults by doing what you do. If they see you being serious about being healthy, they'll likely grow up to live a healthy lifestyle as well.

As for the sex, keep trying. Maybe at night in complete darkness for a while.