Question about "abuse"

[bkg]

I've heard a lot in marriage and divorce circles the terms "mental abuse", "emotional abuse", "spiritual abuse"... and I'm kind of curious to hear what the heck this stuff means...

I have a feel that the word "abuse" gets thrown around quite often when it shouldn't be. I'm not discounting anyones situation or perspective necessarily, but I think there are significant variations in how people define this term.

For example, I was accused of being emotionally abusive by my ex-inlaws. No one ever told me why, confronted me on a particular incident or act, or asked for clarification on anything I said or did. The only thing I've ever been able to pin it on is a period of time when I shut down after I found out I had cancer (melenoma) - I emotionally shut down, rarely talked, etc. I was very scared and depressed. I'm sure my ex-wife felt lonely and unloved, but was that "abuse"?

Some people have also said that any form of sarcam is abuse. By whose definition do we come to that conclusion?

I'm not looking for any justification or even someone to stand in agreement with me on the above situation. I'm honestly very curious how people come to the conclusion that they are being emotionally/mentally/spiritually "abused"...

Thoughts?
bkg

 

[SirKenin]

These are well-abused terms that shouldn't even exist, speaking of abuse. Let's call it vocabulary abuse, for the abuse-endeared.

They are buzz words that people use to justify their actions when they can't think of legitimate reasons to treat their husbands the way they do, AFAIC. I can't stand them. Women's shelters and women's rights advocates concocted these terms over tea, donuts and bingo to assure themselves a job, of this I'm certain.

Heh. Can you tell I'm sick of hearing them? Have you ever read a pamphlet from a women and children's shelter? I have. It's enough to gag a maggot.

 

[desi]

Abuse is terrible and a good reason for marriages to end. Funny, the Bible doesn't mention much about it.

 

[oldrooster]

Abuse is terrible and a good reason for marriages to end. Funny, the Bible doesn't mention much about it.

Funny, the bible doesn't mention the space shuttle or The Beatles, but you would agree that they exist ?

 

[desi]

Funny, the bible doesn't mention the space shuttle or The Beatles, but you would agree that they exist ?

God addressed marriage and how it is to be, he did not address the space shuttle or the Beatles.

 

[bkg]

These are well-abused terms that shouldn't even exist, speaking of abuse. Let's call it vocabulary abuse, for the abuse-endeared.

BAHAHAHAHA - LOL!

They are buzz words that people use to justify their actions when they can't think of legitimate reasons to treat their husbands the way they do, AFAIC. I can't stand them.

No to discount someone who has dealt w/ legitimate abuse, but I have to agree with you here (as much as it pains me... ). I've found a number of woman going through divorce start to throw out the word "abuse" when they can find no one to agree with their "real reasons" for calling it quits. It's gotten to the point of at least one person stating the him not going to church or disagreeing w/ her personal theology is spiritual abuse. Another seems to think that him not communicating is emotional abuse.

So it's this huge murky pond of definitions and misuse of the term, as far as I can tell.

Any ladies want to pipe in on this? I'm honestly (as someone accused of these three abuses) curious about your opinions...
bkg

 

[SirKenin]

Well, we might as well call it for what it is

Every time I hear those terms and look at the root of the issue it almost always turns out to be selfish reasoning.. "I'm not getting what I want. Me. Me. ME!" They lack a legitimate reason to leave their husband (or wife), so they hop on the MEEEEE bandwagon and use it to justify their actions. It really makes me ill.

I know that legitimate abuse exists and agree that it needs to be addressed for a union to be successful, but it has simply gone too far.

 

[bliz]

There is no doubt that the terms have been abused and over used or inappropriatly used.

That fact, however, does not mean that emotional abuse does not exist or make the damage done any less harmful. I'm sure all of you men are wonderful and loving at all times, but the reality is that there are men out there, including Christian men, who go out of their way to abuse their wives emotionally. Usually they are men who are desperate for control in their own lives or who feel very insecure so they seek to have another person to control and another person they can dominate and feel superior to.

I knew a man who, when he would leave the house for work, would unplug the phone and take it with him and take his wife's shoes with him so she could not have contact with anyone when he was not there. She was only permitted to socialize with his family, and that was only once a month or so. She was trapped in their home out on a country road. Once she got so desperate she walked out the main road and hitched a ride to her parents. Her husband came and got her, all smiles and jokes, and on the drive home threatened to kill her folks if she did it again. At that point, he had never hit her or touched her in anger. Is that legitimate abuse, gentlemen?

Met another woman whose husband would specilize on berating his wife on the drive to church "You are ugly. I can hardly stand to look at you. You've become a fat pig! Oink! Oink! God really messed up when he made your ugly face! I doubt if God can even love someone as hedious as you!" He'd park the car, and rush around to open her car door, hold her hand, put his arm around her all through church. He knew the Bible inside and out, often taught Sundsy School classes, had frequently been nominated for leadership positions in the church. And after church, he would again hold her door open, smile and wave as he drove away, and began the verbal abuse all over again, and it pretty much lasted all day Sunday, every Sunday. She's make a meal, and he'd hurl the plate accros the room. She's sit down to read a book and he would berate her for being lazy. She's clean up after dinner and he'd yell at her for being noisy. At bedtime he would start in again on her apperance and body and then, when she was totally broken down, crying on the floor, he'd demand sex from her.

I could go on and on...

No two ways about it, the "abuse" lable has been overused and misused, but to minimize the impact of emotional abuse or deny that emotional abuse exists, is dangerous. Women often put-up and shut-up out of fear of not being believed or being ridiculed.

Further, emotinal abuse is often just the precurser of, what you guys like to call "legitimate" abuse. After years of emotional abuse, women are even less able to speak up and get help once it becomes physical abuse. And it usually does.

What kind of relationships do you guys want for your daughters? Is a little emotional abuse OK for them becasue it's not "legitimate" abuse? When you dismiss the impact of emotional abuse on women, you are, little by little, granting to men the right to emotionally abuse women including your daughters, neices and granddaughters.

 

[bkg]

No two ways about it, the "abuse" lable has been overused and misused, but to minimize the impact of emotional abuse or deny that emotional abuse exists, is dangerous. Women often put-up and shut-up out of fear of not being believed or being ridiculed.

<snip>

What kind of relationships do you guys want for your daughters? Is a little emotional abuse OK for them becasue it's not "legitimate" abuse? When you dismiss the impact of emotional abuse on women, you are, little by little, granting to men the right to emotionally abuse women including your daughters, neices and granddaughters.

I don't think I am saying these types of abuses do not exist, nor am I attempting to dismiss abuse that someone might be involved in. Please don't assume that I've asked this question in hopes of dismissing any abuse.

But the question remains that *I* don't know how to quantify these three types of abuse. The examples that you used are extreme and paint an ugly picture, but I would hope those examples are the exception, not the norm.

You admit that the term is over used, so help me understand what is and (perhaps evem more important) what is not emotional/spiritual/mental abuse.

 

[E-beth]

I agree that the term "abuse" has been over-used and it cheapens the pain for the people suffering in the ways bliz described above. I was in a marriage with a man very much like the situation she described with the church-going husband berating his wife in all ways. My ex-husband also hit. There is no doubt I was abused.

But when I see a woman on TV or at work or whatever saying things like, "He is emotionally abusive toward me. He won't TALK to me about how he feels and he calls his mom to talk to her instead" I just want to vomit. Some women have no idea what abuse is, yet they will cry abuse whenever a marriage is dissolving and they want to give a reason other than "He is cramping my style" or "I found someone else who wants to share more money with me/makes me feel more desireable/etc"

I do not think God frowns upon a marriage ending for reasons of one's personal safety. Submission does not mean taking physical pain from one's spouse.

 

[GirlieGirl]

I think the pendulum is swinging the other direction now. What I mean is now the term "abuse" is getting over and misused. And think we can all agree that most often it's women that are using the term about their marriages.

But in the past the pedulum was in the other corner. And a lot of, well, mostly men, had free reign on how much abuse they could put on their wives before society at large would object. Let's face it; It wasn't long ago that you could beat your wife and saying any horrific thing you darn well pleased and that was considered okay.

I have to confess what I'm really thinking here: I'm blessed with a fantastic marriage. My husband doesn't mistreat me in anyway shape or form. I have to think that on some level, even a miniscule level, the chivalrous way he treats me is related to the social changes that started accumulating years ago. Decades ago, wives/women and people who supported them decided to object to many kinds of vicious treatment. They began to swing the pedulum from one corner and eventually to the center. Now its swinging way past center to the other corner.

And here's some real honesty, if I was given a choice which corner I wanted the pendulum to be in (with no option for the middle), I'd pick the position it's in now. I'd rather have there be plenty of shelter from any kind of abuse, even the acts that are wrongly classified as abuse, than too little.

And anyone ever been to a women's/children's shelter? Yikes, let me assure you that there aren't any tea parties going on there. Yes, there are people who are falsely indoctrinating women to be victims, but they're far more filled with girls with bruised bodies and black eyes.

 

[Jenna]

There is obviously some serious abuse going on, and when people use the term to describe petty squabbles and bouts of stupidity, I think that it loses it's seriousness. It isn't just something that happens between men and women either. Goodness, woe be to anyone trying to raise a child these days. If you look at anyone critically, dare to correct them vocally, or think to swat your child's hind-end, then you are abusive and not worthy to be a part of your family. *rolls eyes* I think that folks need to be aware that there is a difference between body-breaking, soul-crushing abuse and stupid backbiting that happens so often in marriages. Let ignorance and stupid behavior be just that, without trying to paint it as something worse.

Just as a casual observation, most times when I've heard of women complaining about "abuse", they are guilty of the same kinds of behavior, but won't admit it. A lot of that came to mind while reading Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", where it was put in black and white print how so many women expect husbands to always be considerate of their feelings, while forgetting that men have feelings that are just as valid too. When I hear most people talk about verbal abuse, it makes me wonder if they are reaping what they've sown with a vile tongue themself.

Now, on the other side, there are men and women alike who take advantage of another's love for them and uses it to do evil things. I have no patience with people like that. Maybe that is why I feel so strongly that the word 'abuse' should be used in a more responsible manner. If we make one mistaken and unrepeated slap a case of wife-beating, it gives too many people an excuse to whine about their situation and not focus on the real beating that is taking place next door. If you have a whole society full of people crying 'wolf!', then it does a disservice to those who are suffering because no one is hearing them when they cry for help.

 

[bliz]

Trying to answer the original question I failed to answer before...

I think that mental, emotional and psychological abuse are all the same thing. I would classify spiritual abuse (a new one to me!) as a type of emotional abuse where spiritual things are used as the weapons. ("I don't see how God could ever accept someone as hedious as you in heaven! No way! You're going to hell!!" or, and I heard a Mom use this one on her kids "You did not obey me. Disobeying your parents is sin and your sins put Jesus on the cross. Right now, you are killing Jesus all over again becasue you did not pick up all those crayons!" THAT is spiritual abuse.

Frankly, I do not see how anyone could accuse you, newly diagnosed with cancer, of being emotionally abusive to your wive. She may not have been feeling loved, but that was the time for her to carry more than her fair share of the burden and be the strong one becasue you were unable to do so. Marriage is a lot of give and take. I have had a husband in the hospital, seriously ill. My needs went to the very bottom of the list for awhile there. Was he as encouraging as much as I would have liked while I juggled kids and house and him? Well, no. But the man was in pain and in his life was on the line!

I couldn't say about other times in your marriage....

Make no mistake, emotional abuse is real and is really damaging. I have met women (and some men) who are terrible beaten down by their spouses and they have come to believe, over time that they are worthess and stupid, that they are dangerous to their own children, God cannot love them etc. Let us not forget that when a person is demeaned, a part of God's creation, a part made in His image, is being trashed. We cannot take that lightly.

I once heard a woman pour out her herat about a bad situation in her birth family and the counselor said "Well, that was nothing compared to what I usually hear about!" How wrong the counselor was! If your hand has been burned, and the person next to you has been burned over half of their body, it is clear who has the more serious wound and who needs the most and most immediate attention. But a burned hand is still a serious injury and it still needs medical attention.

Anyone else old enough to remember Queen for a Day? 4 or 5 - 3? women would come on TV and pour out their sad stories of their hard and depressing lives. The studio audience would cry and people at home would cry and in the end, the studio audience would vote, and the woman who was "most deserving" (read: gal with the saddest story) would win merchendise and wear a crown and carry roses, all in black & white. That cannot be our approach to abuse - only those with the saddest tale get our compassion.

I for one refuse to let the misuse of language, in this case, the overuse of the word "abuse" keep me from recognizing abuse and offering help. Sure, there are the well coifed women on Oprah protesting that they were abused... but there are still a lot of women cowering at home, without any friends or support, fearful of their husbands return who really are abused even if they have never neen struck.

 

[bkg]

Frankly, I do not see how anyone could accuse you, newly diagnosed with cancer, of being emotionally abusive to your wive. She may not have been feeling loved, but that was the time for her to carry more than her fair share of the burden and be the strong one becasue you were unable to do so. Marriage is a lot of give and take. I have had a husband in the hospital, seriously ill. My needs went to the very bottom of the list for awhile there. Was he as encouraging as much as I would have liked while I juggled kids and house and him? Well, no. But the man was in pain and in his life was on the line!

I couldn't say about other times in your marriage....

I would suspect that there were other things that made her feel that way, and I do NOT deny her feelings at all. I do question the use of the word, however.

I struggled with sarcasm - it was a huge defense mechanism for me for a very long time. And often, what I thought was light/funny, others thought was horribly mean. Sadly, I can remember only one time that she said I had hurt her feelings... Who knows, maybe I was so overt and rude that she felt trapped and unable to stand up to me? I suppose that's always possible, and since I don't know her thoughts, I can only respect and accept what she may have to say about it.

One thing that I've found is that *some* women claim that lack of affection or affirmation is aken to abuse. That I don't get. As you mentioned, Bliz, sometimes marriages require that one spouse give more than the other, so I wonder if our society is getting to the point that we view the "giving" aspect of marriage as being "abused"... Thinking out loud and drawing gross generalizations, I realize...

Anyway, I have another followup question....

If someone is throwing out the word simply because he/she isn't getting his/her way.... Or is using it to describe somethign that is obviously NOT abuse (maybe he/she is just being WAY overly sensitive(???))... How does one handle that?

 

[GirlieGirl]

^^^ You call it to their attention. Tell them they are misusing the word and you won't accept the label of "abuser" when you're not doing anything abusive.

Don't play games with people who manipulate using guilt and the appearance of victimization. Put it all on the table infront of them and draw a line in the sand....of course, in Christ-like language and tone.

 

[Leanna]

Abuse is an overused term, people use it to justify their actions. I agree with many above statements. But yes I know it does exist.

 

[Flipper]

I think sometimes, people mistake verbal or psychological "abuse" for manipulation. "Manipulation" is still a nasty sounding word with bad connotations, but think about it, we've all been guilty of it at one time or another, and not just with spouses, but with just about anyone. Have you ever said something just to elicit a certain response out of someone for a selfish reason? I'll raise my hand.

 

[Jenna]

*nods* Manipulation happens. It has a negative connotation, but it isn't necessarily a bad word in and of itself. I manipulate my husband all the time. I do good things for him, not only because I know that it makes him feel good, but because I know that when he feels good he treats me better. I manipulate my husband when he acts like a child and disappoints or embrasses me also. Yup, I'll dodge the rotten tomatoes, thanks. lol I get sad, and I look at him with sad puppy dog eyes and let him know just how disappointed I am that he didn't do what was right. I do it because I know just what response I will get, and I feel that it is more productive than having a fight. To an extent, I think that we all manipulate each other, many times without realizing what we've done. It happens, and it's not always a bad thing. As with just about anything though, even the best of things can be used for nasty deeds.

 

[BeanMak]

I just came upon this thread, and have some thoughts on the subject. I think that the word emotional abuse IS the correct word in many situations. It might not be what we want to hear it called, but it is what it is.
I have often seen a mean-spiritness to interactions that should be loving. Sarcasm can be VERY hurtful. I have a sister-in-law who would say the meanest things about her husband, and then give this little laugh- when called on it, she would say... hey, I just joking, come on! It doesn't make what she said any less mean. I was at a birthday party this summer and the little girl got roller blades. Her cousin, who is a year older brought her blades and proudly announced that she was going to teach Lily how to skate to which her mother promptly replied, "You can't teach anyone how to do anything." Was that true, probably, was it mean- it sure was. You should have seen the face and shoulder on the little girl fall. Why couldn't she have just kept her mouth shut, and let the two little girls hold hands and try to skate together? Sorry, that is verbal abuse.

Call it what you want, meanness is meanness and to live with it day in and day out is damaging to a person's spirit.

 

[bkg]

Does lack of tact, sarcasm or dumb comments = abuse?

I guess I made an assumption that abuse encompassed a intention to demean in order to put a person in a place of submission or serventude. If speaking before we think is how we define abuse these days, then I'm hosed - I'm not the most tactful person in the world, so I must by definition, be an abusive person. ????