Qualification(s) for Dating Someone

hamster_head · Nov 18, 2003

I believe I have a good understanding of all the things God thinks a wife should be. I know that to really find out if someone has these qualities you have to spend a decent amount of time in a dating relationship. What I do not know, however, is what qualifications does someone have to meet before it's appropriate to start a romantic/dating/boyfriend-girlfriend type relationship?

The question is probably a bit vague as currently worded, but maybe it is better like this. It may lead way to a better discussion. Any insight would be appreciated.

P.S. I'd appreciate any advice that is given to contain either logical and/or bibical justification. I'm a fairly analytical person, so without knowing the reasons, it will be virtually worthless for me.

LifeInYou · Nov 18, 2003

I tend to lean towards the 'serious' side of the spectrum when I classify the significance of dating and that means I don't date just to date. I will not date someone unless I can seriously consider marrying the person. Now how long it takes to determine if they're marriage material depends on the person. Sometimes I know within the first week of meeting them, other times it takes several months. It has been said over and over again so I think it (unfortunately) has become numb to our ears and minds but, truly, developing a good friendship with the person before becoming romantically involved is IDEAL if you want the relationship to last.

JD_shalom · Nov 18, 2003

I found some excellent information recently on a website with Biblical backup. Unfortunately, I don't remember what it is. I'm trying ot find it.

James.

hamster_head · Nov 18, 2003

LifeInYou said:
I will not date someone unless I can seriously consider marrying the person.

I agree, with the theme of your post in general. Don't date unless your plan is to work towards marriage. However, this one statement you made is really where my question lies. Can you seriously consider marriyng someone before you date them? If so, why would you ever date? Dating is the difference between "hey, this person might be a good husband/wife" and "Wow, this person really will be a good husband/wife. Let's get married". So the question would be what qualifications do they have to meet before it's worthwhile to test them in a serious dating situation as a boyfriend/girlfriend.

sparrow1029 · Nov 18, 2003

hamster_head said:
So the question would be what qualifications do they have to meet before it's worthwhile to test them in a serious dating situation as a boyfriend/girlfriend.

I think the answer to that lies mainly with you. As a Christian, I would say that the one absolutely necessary thing is that the other person has a vibrant relationship with God. Its probably also a very good thing if God is giving you the go ahead on the relationship--after all, He knows you and the other person better than anyone, and is the best judge of when, and whether or not, you should be together (in other words, before you decide, pray). The other stuff depends on you, and what you would value long term in a person of the opposite sex. You find these things out, I think, through a friendship--in fact, I believe a friendship may be a better testing ground for what you're looking for (that is, character) then a dating relationship.

LifeInYou · Nov 18, 2003

hamster_head said:
I agree, with the theme of your post in general. Don't date unless your plan is to work towards marriage. However, this one statement you made is really where my question lies. Can you seriously consider marriyng someone before you date them? If so, why would you ever date? Dating is the difference between "hey, this person might be a good husband/wife" and "Wow, this person really will be a good husband/wife. Let's get married". So the question would be what qualifications do they have to meet before it's worthwhile to test them in a serious dating situation as a boyfriend/girlfriend.

I understand what you are saying and I can only answer your question based on my personal values/knowledge/experience as I do not believe there is one 'correct' way to go about this. "Dating" is an odd phenomenon to me because I do not see what one gains from dating that they can't gain from being really good friends with the person (besides physical benefits which I do not think should be a determining factor for the relationship). With that said, I personally don't make the deciding factor on whether they would be a 'good husband' or not. I know many of my guy friends will make excellent husbands, but rather I ask myself "Could I love this person for the rest of my life?" "Is the passion there? Are the sparks there?" If so, and they DO have all of their other 'stuff' together (they seek after the Lord, they possess the fruits of the spirit, they have direction in their lives) then at that point it would be worth it for me to seriously pursue. (That is, of course, if they felt the same way) Ayee...logic isn't my expertise so I apologize if i've gone off on a tangent...

Higgaion · Nov 18, 2003

I agree with what sparrow says, especially praying. This is probably restating some of it in my own words, but personally, after a long time spent thinking and making mistakes and learning from them, I think that first you have to make a commitment that you're going to hold out for someone with very similar religious beliefs to your own. And the more specific and developed your beliefs are, and how uncompromising you are on them, the harder it can be.

I know for many Christians this is less of a problem because they tend to be kind of "vanilla" in that they view their Christian walk in a rather simplistic fashion, being very concerned only about what they feel are the basic essentials -- a profession of faith in Christ as Lord and Savior and belief in the Trinity, deity of Christ and maybe a few other things. As long as a potential mate has those, then that works for them. Their views on other theological matters aren't make or break.

With me, it's different and not that simple because I'm more demanding in what I expect, but the point is you want someone whose spirituality isn't widely divergent from your own. I'd say that's the first and most important thing.

After that come things like physical attraction (which is important) and similar personalities, senses of humor, intelligence etc. I'd say if you're "clicking" well in those areas, that signals real potential. And of course there's always that magical "spark". Then again, maybe you shouldn't listen to me as I'm almost 30 and still single, lol

hamster_head · Nov 18, 2003

JD_shalom said:
I found some excellent information recently on a website with Biblical backup. Unfortunately, I don't remember what it is. I'm trying ot find it.

James.

If you find that link, and it has good information, you will be my hero for life.

sparrow1029 · Nov 18, 2003

You could check out the following books on Christian relationships:

I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris
Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris (this may be the best bet for your situation)
Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot

Just remember, theres no formula. I'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. . .

hamster_head · Nov 18, 2003

Ya, there may be no formula, but that doesn't mean I won't try to create one. =P

sparrow1029 · Nov 18, 2003

I hear you, lol! If you figure it out, let me know what it is

enslow · Nov 18, 2003

The moment you try to figure out a formula, especially a 'list of specifications' for a potential marriage partner, you're toast. The best thing is to find some one whom you want to help in whatever aspects of life you can. If she desires to do the same for you, that's a good sign.

My g/f keeps asking me what I want in a wife. I seriously cannot answer that question. I know I need some one who can work with me to create a happy and healthy family. But as for specific roles and expectations? If my future wife chooses to work until we have kids, I expect that cooking chores will be shared. Once we would have children, I would have differenct expectations of myself. I think I would want to play with the kids, take the to the park, or something to give her a break from 'mothering' all day long. Beyond that, I won't know until I get there. My future wife and I will have some things to work out.

Enslow

hamster_head · Nov 18, 2003

enslow said:
The moment you try to figure out a formula, especially a 'list of specifications' for a potential marriage partner, you're toast.

You cannot expect someone to accept such statements as truth merely because you typed it. If you want your point to be helpful, it will need to be expanded to contain premises which would support this conclusion. But hey, that's all your call. ^_~

enslow · Nov 19, 2003

hamster_head said:
You cannot expect someone to accept such statements as truth merely because you typed it. If you want your point to be helpful, it will need to be expanded to contain premises which would support this conclusion. But hey, that's all your call. ^_~

Take is as you like. I'm not interested in writing an essay. I did enough of those in my university days.
Enslow

Donny_B · Nov 21, 2003

Look for someone who accepts you as you are, that you feel comfortable around, and above all someone that you can always trust.

Rising_Suns · Nov 21, 2003

What I do not know, however, is what qualifications does someone have to meet before it's appropriate to start a romantic/dating/boyfriend-girlfriend type relationship?

This question is not an easy one to answer, but as a general rule, just look at the fruits of your friendship/relationship and if it is Christ-centered. Nothing is more important of a gauge than giving God all the glory and living your life for Him together with your potential spouse.

Examples of fruits; Do you two pray together? Read the bible together? go to churc htogether? center yourself around God and building each other up in Christ? sharing your faith openly?

If there is anything lacking in this respect, I wouldn't even consider that person as dating material.

Rising_Suns · Nov 21, 2003

if it helps any, here are my requirements.....

If I am to marry, my wife would have all of these qualities:

First and foremost, she would keep God the center of her life and live every moment for Him and truly praying ceasesly as the bible tells us to. She would be loving to all people and completely selfless and giving to the needs of others. She would be gentle of heart and humble as Jesus was humble. She would speak softly and subtly, but her words would carry profound meaning and truth in them. She would challenge me and seek to build me up with Christ as I would with her. She would compliment me; in every way that I am weak she would be strong, and in every way she is weak, I would be strong. But her weaknesses would be few and her strengths would be many, since she has been graced to have been raised by our Father in heaven and brought up out of this world. She would be living in the world, but not of it. She would have conquered the desires of the flesh and only would be living in spirit, seeking only to serve God in all that she does. In short, she would basically be an angel living among us.

Anyway, I reazlie that if such a person exists, she would probably be a saint and chose to remain celibate and un-wed. If I ever grow to be such a person, I would probably seek the same path as well. God only knows.

ukok · Nov 21, 2003

hamster_head said:
what qualifications does someone have to meet before it's appropriate to start a romantic/dating/boyfriend-girlfriend type relationship?

being single is the prime qualification ~ though you wouldn't believe how many people think that it isn't at all necessary .

enslow · Nov 21, 2003

ukok said:
being single is the prime qualification ~ though you wouldn't believe how many people think that it isn't at all necessary .

Wow, good point. Women can be just as guilty as men on this one. A couple of years ago a woman was flirting with me big time. And she was married, and a Christian. All this was happening in a Christian chat room, so I just stopped going into that chat room.

I've also learned that if you wait for some one who will meet all your requirements, you will wait forever. You can't compromise everything, so you have to decide how much and what you're willing to compromise. Marriage requires mutual respect.

Enslow

sparrow1029 · Nov 21, 2003

You know, even though its important to know characteristics you want your husband or wife to possess, it is perhaps even more important to know what characteristics you should possess as a husband or wife. I've learned that I can never change another's behavior, but I do have some control over how I act (although a lot of Gods assistance is needed). At one point, I made a list of all the ways I would wish to act as a wife, and, well, it was very humbling how far short I fell But the good side to such a list was that I began praying that God would form me into that kind of woman.

Qualification(s) for Dating Someone

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