Pursuing God even when the heart doesn't desire to

[Ivan57]

After a long period of wandering, I came back to God about 5 months ago and have been plugged into fellowship and seeking Him authentically the most I have ever been in my life, but I am currently struggling a great deal.

My current problem is that my heart is divided. I want Christ, I want to live for Him and seek after Him with all that I am, yet there is part of me that is hesitant and is afraid of letting go of myself. I can say the words "Lord I fully surrender to you, I accept you, Jesus please lead me" but I can't fully mean them. What I mean is, I am unable to change my will to instantly fully surrender to Him at a a given moment. There's part of me that is afraid or nervous to fully give in. Even when I pray and try to accept Him there's this part of me that is like "but that means having Him forever, there's no going back." But the other half of me wants Him. It wants to accept Him fully and seek after Him. Sometimes it's like I have to force myself to pray because part of me doesn't want to. An example is just today. I was invited to a Men's Retreat this weekend by one of the pastors at a new Church I am going to. My thought process basically went "Yeah I would love to go! It'll be a great time to form friendships with men at the Church and have fellowship. But that means there is going to be a lot of fellowship, do you really want to do that? What if you just say you want to but you really don't? What if you say you just want to so that you can let God change you and do the work when you don't want that? Do you really want to go?" I eventually just broke down and said "Yes, I want to go. My heart is divided, but I WANT Christ. I can't will it up, I can't have the perfect/right heart, but I want to go and do fellowship to seek Him, to honor Him, to keep the door open for Him to work in my life and change me." It felt like I was fighting against my entire self, like every inch of me didn't want to go. So I worried that I was forcing myself. My mind goes back and forth between "I want to seek Him with everything I am; no, just don't sin but hold onto your future/will; no I want to accept Him; am I sure I want this for the rest of my life? There's no going back; Yes I want this."

I have been praying and seeking, but this half-heartedness in me is impossible to overcome. I have prayed for salvation and reconciliation with Him over 500 times in my life, constantly worrying that I didn't repent or believe correctly. Yet now, it's like my heart doesn't even want Him. I get thoughts like "what if you never really accepted Him. Do you want Him?" and I say "yes, I do want Him." But then there is this part of me that goes "Do I really want to accept Him fully? There's no going back. Am I prepared for that? Isn't it already done as I have asked Him to save me constantly almost everyday? What if I'm just deceiving myself and want to be saved but don't want to commit? But I want to live for God. Then why can't I fully accept Him and run to Him..." And then I try to will up the power and desire to fully commit to Jesus, but fail. I get thoughts "What about all the other believers who could instantly surrender themselves? You can't even accept Him fully. What's the point of even seeking after Him, you'll never change. Perhaps you don't want this and are trying to force yourself to want this. Look, you even HAVE to force yourselves sometimes to pray and seek after Him. How could someone be a Christian and do that? It's all in vain."

I can't change my heart. And then when I do want my heart changed there is part of me that rises up and tries to pull me back and say "no, you don't want that." When I think of the Cross, I start crying because of what Jesus did for me, I want to run to Him with everything I am, yet there's this part of me that is reserved and doesn't want to fully commit to Him. If I am supposed to will it up it's impossible, or maybe it is possible and I am just fooling myself.

I pray to Him and literally all I can say is "Please change me. I want a heart that fully accepts you." Yet I keep getting thoughts that I have to do it all right now, and I can't muster up the willpower to do it. It's not that there are sins I am unwilling to turn from (I do struggle with sin obviously and am slowly developing a stronger hatred for it. I hate how I want to sin sometimes- my mind sometimes thinks "oh an opportunity" but I don't desire it. I do what I don't want to do basically), it's that it is hard for me to let go of all desires, plans for the future, and activities to the Lord's leadership. I hear a lot of testimonies where people instantly surrendered it all and were filled with joy, and everyday I probably pray a prayer to surrender it all 10-15 times, and I can't. It's worn me out so much to the point where I find myself not desiring to seek God because I feel as if it's useless- not that God is impotent, but that I am either deceiving myself and not actually wanting Him, or just not willing to give it all up. I pray that Jesus would change me, and the part of me that fully desires Him hopes so hard that He will. Because even in asking to be changed I feel insincere. It's like everytime I remember the Cross or who He is or His glory and am moved a part of me instantly goes up and seizes it and says "don't go to Him." It's come to the point where I don't know if this is my real self or spiritual warfare.

If I was presented with the option of completely giving up on Jesus and living for myself, or instantly beholding, loving and following Him, I want to follow Him. At least I truly hope that is what I really want. I know it's God who changes, but we must be willing for Him to change us and it's like I have to muster everything I am to be simply willing and it falls short. I just pray that in His mercy He will change me and give me a new heart that loves Jesus and Him and follows Him through everything. I am continuing to pursue and seek after Him. I just wanted to type my thoughts and struggles out because it's so hard keeping this to myself.
Jesus says "come to me, all you who are wearied and burden, and I will give you rest." And I think "do I really want rest?" to which I retort "Yes! Why wouldn't I? I want to rest in Christ and trust Him." Yet it's like my entire being is running from Him and that part of me that wants Him is fighting with everything it can. All I can do is come to Him in my brokenness, and with a half-fully-committed half-reserved heart come to Him and simply pray "please help, please change me and give me a heart that wants to be saved and changed by you." It's so tiring...I wish I could make a decision but every time I try I can't. I want to just run into His arms and trust Him fully, yet I am unable. My hope is in Him changing me, His grace working in me despite my broken state.

Is it ok to turn to God and pray that He will help you surrender? Is He willing to help someone surrender even if their heart is divided, but they truly want to desire and live for Him? Perhaps I'm not meant to surrender it all in an instant, but rather seek Him and trust Him to change my uncertain and worried heart. Regardless, I will keep seeking Him and staying in fellowship. I want to stay open to His work in my life. Thank you for reading.

 

[longwait]

Sounds like the war between the spirit and the flesh as mentioned in Galatians 5. Yes, it is OK to ask God to help you surrender to Him. Atleast you have a desire to please Him and follow Him. You see no one can come to Jesus unless the Father draws him (John 6:44). The desire has been placed in you. Now it is up to you to develop your relationship with the Lord.

 

[God bless Joshua]

To seek God is not the same as seeking fish in the sea, you throw the bait and wait for sometimes to catch it. No way.

People seek educational degree and they learn for years at universities.

To seek God we need years of humility and meekness with forgiving hearts, the whole of our lives.

This is what God has to say regarding the people's daily life :
Romans 3:11 there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God.
12 All have turned away; they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.…

Matt 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

 

[mukk_in]

After a long period of wandering, I came back to God about 5 months ago and have been plugged into fellowship and seeking Him authentically the most I have ever been in my life, but I am currently struggling a great deal.

My current problem is that my heart is divided. I want Christ, I want to live for Him and seek after Him with all that I am, yet there is part of me that is hesitant and is afraid of letting go of myself. I can say the words "Lord I fully surrender to you, I accept you, Jesus please lead me" but I can't fully mean them. What I mean is, I am unable to change my will to instantly fully surrender to Him at a a given moment. There's part of me that is afraid or nervous to fully give in. Even when I pray and try to accept Him there's this part of me that is like "but that means having Him forever, there's no going back." But the other half of me wants Him. It wants to accept Him fully and seek after Him. Sometimes it's like I have to force myself to pray because part of me doesn't want to. An example is just today. I was invited to a Men's Retreat this weekend by one of the pastors at a new Church I am going to. My thought process basically went "Yeah I would love to go! It'll be a great time to form friendships with men at the Church and have fellowship. But that means there is going to be a lot of fellowship, do you really want to do that? What if you just say you want to but you really don't? What if you say you just want to so that you can let God change you and do the work when you don't want that? Do you really want to go?" I eventually just broke down and said "Yes, I want to go. My heart is divided, but I WANT Christ. I can't will it up, I can't have the perfect/right heart, but I want to go and do fellowship to seek Him, to honor Him, to keep the door open for Him to work in my life and change me." It felt like I was fighting against my entire self, like every inch of me didn't want to go. So I worried that I was forcing myself. My mind goes back and forth between "I want to seek Him with everything I am; no, just don't sin but hold onto your future/will; no I want to accept Him; am I sure I want this for the rest of my life? There's no going back; Yes I want this."

I have been praying and seeking, but this half-heartedness in me is impossible to overcome. I have prayed for salvation and reconciliation with Him over 500 times in my life, constantly worrying that I didn't repent or believe correctly. Yet now, it's like my heart doesn't even want Him. I get thoughts like "what if you never really accepted Him. Do you want Him?" and I say "yes, I do want Him." But then there is this part of me that goes "Do I really want to accept Him fully? There's no going back. Am I prepared for that? Isn't it already done as I have asked Him to save me constantly almost everyday? What if I'm just deceiving myself and want to be saved but don't want to commit? But I want to live for God. Then why can't I fully accept Him and run to Him..." And then I try to will up the power and desire to fully commit to Jesus, but fail. I get thoughts "What about all the other believers who could instantly surrender themselves? You can't even accept Him fully. What's the point of even seeking after Him, you'll never change. Perhaps you don't want this and are trying to force yourself to want this. Look, you even HAVE to force yourselves sometimes to pray and seek after Him. How could someone be a Christian and do that? It's all in vain."

I can't change my heart. And then when I do want my heart changed there is part of me that rises up and tries to pull me back and say "no, you don't want that." When I think of the Cross, I start crying because of what Jesus did for me, I want to run to Him with everything I am, yet there's this part of me that is reserved and doesn't want to fully commit to Him. If I am supposed to will it up it's impossible, or maybe it is possible and I am just fooling myself.

I pray to Him and literally all I can say is "Please change me. I want a heart that fully accepts you." Yet I keep getting thoughts that I have to do it all right now, and I can't muster up the willpower to do it. It's not that there are sins I am unwilling to turn from (I do struggle with sin obviously and am slowly developing a stronger hatred for it. I hate how I want to sin sometimes- my mind sometimes thinks "oh an opportunity" but I don't desire it. I do what I don't want to do basically), it's that it is hard for me to let go of all desires, plans for the future, and activities to the Lord's leadership. I hear a lot of testimonies where people instantly surrendered it all and were filled with joy, and everyday I probably pray a prayer to surrender it all 10-15 times, and I can't. It's worn me out so much to the point where I find myself not desiring to seek God because I feel as if it's useless- not that God is impotent, but that I am either deceiving myself and not actually wanting Him, or just not willing to give it all up. I pray that Jesus would change me, and the part of me that fully desires Him hopes so hard that He will. Because even in asking to be changed I feel insincere. It's like everytime I remember the Cross or who He is or His glory and am moved a part of me instantly goes up and seizes it and says "don't go to Him." It's come to the point where I don't know if this is my real self or spiritual warfare.

If I was presented with the option of completely giving up on Jesus and living for myself, or instantly beholding, loving and following Him, I want to follow Him. At least I truly hope that is what I really want. I know it's God who changes, but we must be willing for Him to change us and it's like I have to muster everything I am to be simply willing and it falls short. I just pray that in His mercy He will change me and give me a new heart that loves Jesus and Him and follows Him through everything. I am continuing to pursue and seek after Him. I just wanted to type my thoughts and struggles out because it's so hard keeping this to myself.
Jesus says "come to me, all you who are wearied and burden, and I will give you rest." And I think "do I really want rest?" to which I retort "Yes! Why wouldn't I? I want to rest in Christ and trust Him." Yet it's like my entire being is running from Him and that part of me that wants Him is fighting with everything it can. All I can do is come to Him in my brokenness, and with a half-fully-committed half-reserved heart come to Him and simply pray "please help, please change me and give me a heart that wants to be saved and changed by you." It's so tiring...I wish I could make a decision but every time I try I can't. I want to just run into His arms and trust Him fully, yet I am unable. My hope is in Him changing me, His grace working in me despite my broken state.

Is it ok to turn to God and pray that He will help you surrender? Is He willing to help someone surrender even if their heart is divided, but they truly want to desire and live for Him? Perhaps I'm not meant to surrender it all in an instant, but rather seek Him and trust Him to change my uncertain and worried heart. Regardless, I will keep seeking Him and staying in fellowship. I want to stay open to His work in my life. Thank you for reading.

I'm glad that the Holy Spirit has led you back to Christ. Sometimes the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Following Christ is a commitment and not an easy choice at that. He'll lead you to full surrender and entire sanctification. God bless.

 

[ToBeLoved]

I think you are putting a lot of pressure on your relationship with God by trying to be “religious” and being what religion tells you you should be.

Work on your relationship with God, being prayer, worship and reading the Bible. Let God work in your life. Build your faith and try not to let the expectations of religious people affect your walk with God.

Give some parts of your life to God and ask Him to keep working in you and with you.

It’s a relationship with God. Put your effort into that relationship and try to get rid of your preconceived notions of what you should be.

 

[Bobber]

What I mean is, I am unable to change my will to instantly fully surrender to Him at a a given moment.

And what does God say about that? He says we can but you say we can't. Sorry but you're deceiving yourself which I'd advise you not to do.

Sometimes it's like I have to force myself to pray because part of me doesn't want to.

Yup....a lot of kids don't like to go to school, eat their vegetables brush the hair or have a bath. Wise is the kid that doesn't run away from home because of it and just do what's right and beneficial to do.

It felt like I was fighting against my entire self, like every inch of me didn't want to go. So I worried that I was forcing myself.

You know a lot of people who work out at the gym feel that way too! They even take pride in the fact that they forced themselves yet they do it anyway for they know the sacrifice will yield an exciting end result.

I have been praying and seeking, but this half-heartedness in me is impossible to overcome.

Just right there you need to picture a demon on your shoulder telling you those very words for my dear friend that's exactly what it'd be. So you're saying God would tell you to do something you're not capable of doing? Nope, that'd be unfair and unjust and I can assure you God is neither of those. Why don't you just honour God here and now and say I can do whatever God tells me to do and I'll never question it again.

Look, you even HAVE to force yourselves sometimes to pray and seek after Him. How could someone be a Christian and do that?

Because Christians are dealing with the world, the flesh and the devil and Paul said himself "I put under my body and that he puts it into subjection" 1 Corinthians 9:27 Keep in mind this isn't something you HAVE TO DO but rather....SOMETHING YOU GET TO DO! And keep in mind disciplining yourself that's doing things at times you don't feel like doing....such is called our REASONABLE service the least we can do seeing what Jesus did for us. Romans 12:1

Is it ok to turn to God and pray that He will help you surrender? Is He willing to help someone surrender even if their heart is divided....

Well....let me ask you. If you feel God has to do something to get you to surrender is it OK that he answers that prayer to you in any way he sees fit? Don't pray that if your answer is NO because you don't know....the answer to that(I'm merely guessing) may be something that's not entirely desirable to you at all. Perhaps not just better to say, "Lord I surrender and no I don't need to pray that?

 

[Ivan57]

Thanks for your replies. One thing I’ve learned is a life isn’t surrendered in a day, but a lifetime. I haven’t been deliberately holding back, it’s just that letting go of everything at once was insanely difficult. Rather, I’m letting God process me each day, and being open to that process and change. Rather than forcing all my willpower and trying to make a one-time instant full surrender and finding I can’t and keep trying, I’m taking my eyes off myself and putting them on Jesus. I’ve been focusing on myself and my own willpower, which inevitably leads to no change.

 

[Mel2020]

The scripture that comes to mind for you dear friend is Ezekiel 36:26 “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.”

The decision is up to you really about who you choose to serve, yourself or God. I was in a similar situation in my life, where I was “sitting on the fence” about my faith. Things that I was doing (sinful things) was only hurting myself and noone else. I decided I wanted Jesus to take FULL control. That meant entering into a relationship with Him without knowing what to expect except for TRUSTING Him.

It was a decision that changed my life forever I want to encourage you the same, that only God can take away our stony stubborn confused hearts, and replace it with a tender responsive heart.

Praying for you.