Problems with my mother

[brilander]

Okay, so almost all my life, since I was 6, my parents have been divorced. My mom chose a drug-addicted man to marry, the man that was essentially the reason they're marriage ended. I live with my dad, and I pretty much just consider it home, because this is where I/they lived even when they we're together.

The problem is, in many years, in some ways, she has not been a very good mother. For example, I haven't seen her in over a month. I talk to her a couple times a week, just to keep up to date. I refuse to go where she lives, because all he does is gets high, and then they end up arguing, and with my mom's temper, I never know what she could do and it could turn physical and it makes me scared.

My step dad, an on and off again heroin and prescription drug addict, I pretty much despise. I cannot say hate, I just hate the grief he puts my mother through. Since they got married, her health has gone through the roof pretty much. The problem is, she won't LEAVE him. She always says she will, but she never does and takes him right back. She doesn't really have anywhere to go. She has a back condition, and I don't really think has a way to earn money to afford somewhere to live. It's her choice, but I really want her to leave him. Everyone says that could be the best thing she'd ever do.

The thing I'm saying is, I feel bad, because I want my mother back. Or, in my life.

And get this, the other day, she asks me how she'd feel if they moved to New York, with her mother and relatives, since they could find a place to move to. I told her I didn't want her to. Although, I feel like in a way, it wouldn't really matter


I don't know really what to do or say. What exactly should I do?

 

[Annoula]

Dear brilander,

it seems to me you are in a very difficult situation. at least i hope that you live a somehow good life with your dad.

it is very bad for a young child your age not to have her mother. it really feels there's something missing in one's life.

she is staying with someone that cannot give her a decent life. i think your mother is in trouble with herself. she doesn't know what to do. she doesn't like her life but she doesn't have any courage to try to change it.

i think supporting your mother and listening to her is one thing you can do. but this is a great burden for a child...

try to accept your mother the way she is. she would certainly want to be different but for some reason she can't right now.

let us pray and ask God to help her find the way to Him, and eventually the way to you.

keep strong my dear...

Hugs,

Annoula

 

[Anti Existance]

I would get a place of my own and let your mother stay with you away from that drugs maniac. Its a matter of wether you can afford it or not, if your mom can stay at a place which will safe gaurd her position and manouvre the drug addict out of her life it would do her the world of good, even if it is financially less attractive still outbeats living with a guy that equals to an elephant in a porseline livingroom, it can only lead to havoc. It is in my eyes best that she goes back to her mother and relatives and start a new life without a drug abuser in her life.

 

[blessedmomof5]

Brilander,

you said this
The thing I'm saying is, I feel bad, because I want my mother back. Or, in my life.
now have you told her this? i do know that drugs are important to drug addicts , but have you actualy said mom, i miss you and i want you back, without the drugs or your husband? and i mean sit her down hopefully not when she is high, and told her from deep within you?
sometimes it takes literally hearing it and not when fighting or high to get through.....
i pray that you find what you are looking for and you recieve it,and hopefully she will choose you, but remeber drugs are powerful, and she has been on them almost all your life...but i would try, if thats what you want......
Denise

 

[bethdinsmore]

Sorry to hear about your problem. In many ways my youth was like that. My Mom hasn't changed much, but it has helped me a lot as I have begun to understand her.

Here's a good book: Pat Springle's "Close enough to care - Helping a friend or relative conquer codependency". It deals with people like your Mom.

Though we cannot change another person, we can learn how to avoid feeding their sickness, and we can be prepared in case they ever reach out for help. And it helps to see how they affected us.

Some books that could also help you are "Toxic Parents" and "Boundaries with Kids" (many people like the "Boundaries" book too). Don't remember about Toxic Parents, but I know the other two are Christian.

My Dad kicked us out when I was 9, for another woman. I hardly ever saw or heard from him again. I would always feel shame around him - he was cruel with his words. At about my age of 55, I finally told him I just couldn't be around him any more. He later died. I know now that I have grown enough spiritually, I would be able to be around him. But it had gotten to the point where I just wasn't going to grow any more spiritually while he was in my life. Mom is still in my life, tho - and only because the Lord saved her and taught me how to deal with her.

Once your Mom decides she's had enough pain to face the fear of change, perhaps a church or battered women's shelter could help her re-locate. And a Christian recovery group like Overcomers Outreach can be a huge benefit, all along the way. But once she lets go of her "comfort zone", (amazing isn't it), it will become much easier to change.

I will pray that the Lord will use all this pain to make you be a stronger, more Christ-like person in the long run. And just wait to see how much He will use to to help heal other's pain. You'll be surprised.
"My mess became my message, and my misery became my ministry."

Aloha in Jesus, friend.