Problems with BF being late

[JustLiz87]

I have been dating my bf for a little over two years now. I have known from the beginning that he has issues with time. He is constantly late and he also is bad at answering his phone. Usually he has reasons for being late, but I don't understand how this can happen time after time. Every weekend he is usually about an hour or an hour and a half late. We'll agree to meet at noon and he'll show up a little after 1 p.m. I know this is how he is, but I also know he can be on time (He's on time for church, work, family events). I only see him once a week, so I get frustrated when he's late because I feel like he doesn't see our time together as important (he's actually said it's not necessary for him to be on time to hang out with me). Also, there will be days when he won't answer his phone or return phone calls at all. I want to stay in the relationship, that's not the issue here because when we're together, everything is good. Yet, I don't know how to deal with this. Is there anything I can do to improve the situation? Thanks for your help.

 

[Sketcher]

I know this is how he is, but I also know he can be on time (He's on time for church, work, family events). I only see him once a week, so I get frustrated when he's late because I feel like he doesn't see our time together as important (he's actually said it's not necessary for him to be on time to hang out with me).

Let him know this, and how his tardiness makes you feel.

 

[JustLiz87]

I have talked to him about it and he knows I get upset when he's late, but he doesn't change anything. And there's a double standard because if I'm late or not ready when he gets to my house, he gets irritated, but I don't think I should have to sit and wait for him to get there. I mean it's unfair to me to leave me waiting.

I have told him exactly how I feel and he gets defensive and has some excuse why he's late. Couldn't he just be on time for once? Last weekend, I was really upset and he just laughed and said I knew you'd be mad. And I told him that I think it's ridiculous that he's always late and he said that it's not mandatory that he be on time to just come and see me. So I don't know what to do.

 

[kopilo]

It is proberly his nature, there are people who are naturally prone to being late. I suggest working out an adverage time for his tardiness and setting the next time you meet that much more time early.. Such as if he is always late by 30mins, and you want to meet at 12:00, set the time to meet at 11:30.

 

[Maeyken]

If you're waiting for him and he's not there on time, go do something else... don't be there waiting for him when he finally shows up. Show him that there are consequences to his actions. If he cannot show up on time, he doesn't get to spend time with you. If he really cares about you, he'll make the effort to be there on time. If not, well I guess it's best you know that now rather than later.

 

[kopilo]

If you're waiting for him and he's not there on time, go do something else... don't be there waiting for him when he finally shows up. Show him that there are consequences to his actions. If he cannot show up on time, he doesn't get to spend time with you. If he really cares about you, he'll make the effort to be there on time. If not, well I guess it's best you know that now rather than later.

geez that's understanding.

 

[Maeyken]

geez that's understanding.

Sorry if you think it's rude, but she seems to have tried everything else. If the guy doesn't think it's important to be on time to spend time with her, he needs a wake-up call.

The way it is now, she is just teaching him that it is ok to be late, as long as they have a good time together when they do spend time together. She is always waiting for him when he is late, which says to him it's ok that he is late.

She mentioned that he is not late for anything else in his life, only for spending time with her. That makes me think he is not naturally a late person- he's only late when he thinks it's ok to be. She needs to show him it's not ok to be late for her.

 

[Sketcher]

If you're waiting for him and he's not there on time, go do something else... don't be there waiting for him when he finally shows up. Show him that there are consequences to his actions. If he cannot show up on time, he doesn't get to spend time with you. If he really cares about you, he'll make the effort to be there on time. If not, well I guess it's best you know that now rather than later.

I'd say if you're going to do this, set a time limit on how long you're going to wait for him. If he's an hour and a half late, give him 20-30 minutes then do something else. There's no excuse for being an hour and a half late, every reasonable excuse can still be made and he can shave an hour off your waiting time. Let him know you're going to be doing this, but don't give him your time window.

 

[JustLiz87]

Okay I need to clarify one thing. He is late for certain things like meeting up with friends or just hanging out with people, but for other things, which he describes as important, he's on time. So I know he CAN be on time, he's just not. He allows other things to distract him if he feels what he has to do is not time-contingent. I think this is unfair to me because, unlike his friends, I am usually waiting for him. His friends will go do other things, but he gets upset if I'm not there waiting for him when he finally arrives about an hour late. It makes me feel unimportant. I am the type of person who when I say I'm going to be somewhere at a certain time, I am there at that time or maybe a few minutes late. I am respectful of other people's time and I realize that it is not their goal in life to wait around for me. Why can't he do the same for me?

If he finds out that I am at the store or somewhere not at home, he wants to move the time we meet to a later time because he thinks I won't be there when he gets there. It's frustrating because I know I CAN make it home before he comes and I do. Sometimes I hurry home because I know he is supposed to be there soon, only to find out he hasn't even left his house yet (he lives 30 min away).

He can be ADD at times and get distracted, so I usually call him around the time he's supposed to be at my house already to see if he's even left yet. It's astounding to me because in the time it takes me to bathe (which i usually take 30 minute baths), do my hair, do my makeup, get dressed, get my stuff together, do some homework, sometimes even eat lunch because he's so late...he has only shaved and not even gotten in the shower yet. It's like he doesn't even try to be on time. He just takes his own time and is in his own little world.

Sometimes I honestly just want to break down and cry because I don't feel like my time is important with him. Inside, I know he cares about me and he would be upset if I mentioned that I feel like he doesn't show his care as much as he could. I just want to spend time with him. It just hurts me because I feel so helpless in this situation. I wish I could fix it, but I don't know how to do that.

I guess at times I am insecure and I don't know where that comes from. When he's late like this, I jump to conclusions and assume I'm not important and he doesn't want to spend time with me. Every time I try to discuss it, he says I'm overreacting and in a bad mood or something. I want him to respect how I feel and try to change his ways.

 

[JustLiz87]

I'd say if you're going to do this, set a time limit on how long you're going to wait for him. If he's an hour and a half late, give him 20-30 minutes then do something else. There's no excuse for being an hour and a half late, every reasonable excuse can still be made and he can shave an hour off your waiting time. Let him know you're going to be doing this, but don't give him your time window.

I think this is a good idea. I'm thinking about trying this. Maybe he would realize that i have other things to do in life rather than wait for him.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I have been dating my bf for a little over two years now. I have known from the beginning that he has issues with time. He is constantly late and he also is bad at answering his phone. Usually he has reasons for being late, but I don't understand how this can happen time after time. Every weekend he is usually about an hour or an hour and a half late. We'll agree to meet at noon and he'll show up a little after 1 p.m. I know this is how he is, but I also know he can be on time (He's on time for church, work, family events). I only see him once a week, so I get frustrated when he's late because I feel like he doesn't see our time together as important (he's actually said it's not necessary for him to be on time to hang out with me). Also, there will be days when he won't answer his phone or return phone calls at all. I want to stay in the relationship, that's not the issue here because when we're together, everything is good. Yet, I don't know how to deal with this. Is there anything I can do to improve the situation? Thanks for your help.

Hey girl! You sound a lot like me, only my bf doesn't usually show up that late. And we see each other a lot more.

I think that his showing up late (especially since you see each other so little) is disrespectful and unnexceptable. If he can make it on time to other things then he can do it for you if you are important to him.

I would talk it over with him and tell him that you expect him to be on time. If he does not show up within 5 minutes or so of the time that you 2 planned to meet, then I would advice you to go off and do something else. If he shows up later and then ask you why you were there then you could say you waited but aren't planning on waiting around anymore for him.

If that bothers him...and he doesn't see the light and doesn't realize how important to you this is and then stills shows up late...I would think about breaking up with him.

My bf works on showing up on time or calling before hand. Sometimes he messes up still, but he is working on it and improving.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I agree with Maeyken as you can see. She has tried showing him understanding...but he is not trying to improve on it. If he is working on it and he starts to show up on time more often then yes, she should be understanding in that way. But he is just manipulating her time and that is not good.

 

[Mskedi]

If it weren't for your boyfriend showing up to work on time, I'd think we were dating the same person!

Okay... here's how I deal with this.

This was a HUGE deal when we started dating, and we had many a talk about it. I started looking at the things he's late to and finding out why he's late. He can be on time when it's super, super important, but it's rare that he finds anything that important (luckily his bosses don't mind him being sometimes hours late!)

But here's the benefit to this. I live with the clock -- I have to be places at certain times, and I make sure I get there. When I'm doing one thing, I'm already thinking abou the next thing I need to do.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, is always in the moment. What he is doing and who he is with is all that he's thinking about. That means that when he's with his family, he is having the most amazing quality time with them possible. It also means that when he's with me, he is completely with me and not focusing on anything else. I find that to be a benefit to all of those around him, one worthy of putting up with some tardiness.

But being three hours late for dates (okay, the three hours only happened once...) is a bit much, so there are some steps that had to be taken.

For one thing, as I mentioned, we talked about it. Iexplained that while I'm waiting for him, I can't start another project and actually focus on it. He doesn't get it in that he knows how I feel, but he does get that it bothers me, and he made an effort. The effort made him show up maybe a few minutes earlier than before.

The second thing I did was I started planning for him to be an hour late. I'd read a book, I'd not take a shower until the time I thought he would show up... it worked pretty well.

And the third thing is that I begged that he never be late when we actually have to be somewhere at a certain time (a show, a movie, a family gathering... anything with a set time.) He's made a huge effort with that and is probably 95% successful.

So there's been give and take. I don't stress when he's late and it's just hanging out time. And he makes an effort to be on time when there's a set activity. We've been together for two years, and we worked this stuff out in the first six months or so, and things have been great since.

Good luck.

 

[JustLiz87]

If it weren't for your boyfriend showing up to work on time, I'd think we were dating the same person!

Okay... here's how I deal with this.

This was a HUGE deal when we started dating, and we had many a talk about it. I started looking at the things he's late to and finding out why he's late. He can be on time when it's super, super important, but it's rare that he finds anything that important (luckily his bosses don't mind him being sometimes hours late!)

But here's the benefit to this. I live with the clock -- I have to be places at certain times, and I make sure I get there. When I'm doing one thing, I'm already thinking abou the next thing I need to do.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, is always in the moment. What he is doing and who he is with is all that he's thinking about. That means that when he's with his family, he is having the most amazing quality time with them possible. It also means that when he's with me, he is completely with me and not focusing on anything else. I find that to be a benefit to all of those around him, one worthy of putting up with some tardiness.

But being three hours late for dates (okay, the three hours only happened once...) is a bit much, so there are some steps that had to be taken.

For one thing, as I mentioned, we talked about it. Iexplained that while I'm waiting for him, I can't start another project and actually focus on it. He doesn't get it in that he knows how I feel, but he does get that it bothers me, and he made an effort. The effort made him show up maybe a few minutes earlier than before.

The second thing I did was I started planning for him to be an hour late. I'd read a book, I'd not take a shower until the time I thought he would show up... it worked pretty well.

And the third thing is that I begged that he never be late when we actually have to be somewhere at a certain time (a show, a movie, a family gathering... anything with a set time.) He's made a huge effort with that and is probably 95% successful.

So there's been give and take. I don't stress when he's late and it's just hanging out time. And he makes an effort to be on time when there's a set activity. We've been together for two years, and we worked this stuff out in the first six months or so, and things have been great since.

Good luck.

I am so glad to have read this. I think our boyfriends are very similar too! I never thought about how he always focuses on the task at hand with all of his attention, like your boyfriend does. This totally applies to everything he does. Thanks for making me think about the positive aspects. I think I will definitely take your advice and talk to him about it. Hopefully something will come of it. I'll be happy with any improvement. Thanks for your advice! You just brightened my day.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

If it weren't for your boyfriend showing up to work on time, I'd think we were dating the same person!

Okay... here's how I deal with this.

This was a HUGE deal when we started dating, and we had many a talk about it. I started looking at the things he's late to and finding out why he's late. He can be on time when it's super, super important, but it's rare that he finds anything that important (luckily his bosses don't mind him being sometimes hours late!)

But here's the benefit to this. I live with the clock -- I have to be places at certain times, and I make sure I get there. When I'm doing one thing, I'm already thinking abou the next thing I need to do.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, is always in the moment. What he is doing and who he is with is all that he's thinking about. That means that when he's with his family, he is having the most amazing quality time with them possible. It also means that when he's with me, he is completely with me and not focusing on anything else. I find that to be a benefit to all of those around him, one worthy of putting up with some tardiness.

But being three hours late for dates (okay, the three hours only happened once...) is a bit much, so there are some steps that had to be taken.

For one thing, as I mentioned, we talked about it. Iexplained that while I'm waiting for him, I can't start another project and actually focus on it. He doesn't get it in that he knows how I feel, but he does get that it bothers me, and he made an effort. The effort made him show up maybe a few minutes earlier than before.

The second thing I did was I started planning for him to be an hour late. I'd read a book, I'd not take a shower until the time I thought he would show up... it worked pretty well.

And the third thing is that I begged that he never be late when we actually have to be somewhere at a certain time (a show, a movie, a family gathering... anything with a set time.) He's made a huge effort with that and is probably 95% successful.

So there's been give and take. I don't stress when he's late and it's just hanging out time. And he makes an effort to be on time when there's a set activity. We've been together for two years, and we worked this stuff out in the first six months or so, and things have been great since.

Good luck.

That sounds just like my relationship. Lol. Yup, there is give and take. My bf will show up late sometimes but if it is not supper important and it's not like really late, I now don't get upset or say anthing. So that makes it better for both of us.

For the bigger things though...like if he says he will come at a certain time then I hold him to it and he does his best to keep the time. He is still sometimes late on that and I get upset but he has gotten so much better.

My bf is like yours; only on time for supper important things, and for me...I hate being late to anything!!! I like how you described how he lives more in the moment. That is an interesting take on it all. Thanks for sharing.

 

[bliz]

He manages to be on time for things that are "important" but not on time for meeting with you. In fact, he finds your anger over his being late to be quite amusing.

Darlin', does he have to scream it at you? He does not find time with you to be important. This is not going to change. Worse, he finds your being upset by his actions to be funny. Your pain is his pleasure. This is not a healthy relationship. Why are you still in it?

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

He manages to be on time for things that are "important" but not on time for meeting with you. In fact, he finds your anger over his being late to be quite amusing.

Darlin', does he have to scream it at you? He does not find time with you to be important. This is not going to change. Worse, he finds your being upset by his actions to be funny. Your pain is his pleasure. This is not a healthy relationship. Why are you still in it?

This would only be true (IMO) if he wasn't willing to work on his problems and try and improve. And I'm not talking about just saying that they well, but making a genuine try so that over time they will show up on time more and more until they have the habit of doing it.

He may have time issues and if he is willing to work on them and it starts to improve, then that is ok. However, I wouldn't stay with a guy who says that he is trying and yet he doesn't get better at showing up on time. That is just disrespectful.

Perhaps if you don't care if he shows up 2 hours late and you do the same thing yourself then it probably doesn't matter...you can't ask him to do something that you aren't willing to change yourself.

 

[JustLiz87]

He manages to be on time for things that are "important" but not on time for meeting with you. In fact, he finds your anger over his being late to be quite amusing.

Darlin', does he have to scream it at you? He does not find time with you to be important. This is not going to change. Worse, he finds your being upset by his actions to be funny. Your pain is his pleasure. This is not a healthy relationship. Why are you still in it?

I think to say he finds pleasure in my pain is completely off. While he may write off my complaints as overreactions, I don't think he is amused, I'm sorry if something I said pointed to that. In fact, I honestly think that he just has problems being on time, but I want to see that he is at least trying to fix them. I think they come from his mother constantly hounding him to get ready and now he has problems doing it on his own or something like that.
I don't think this is a matter of him not wanting to be with me, although sometimes it might feel like it, because I think he may find hanging out with me to be less of a time constraint than other things b/c there is no set time we have to do something, as others said, like going to a movie that starts at a certain time or what not.

 

[Mskedi]

I am so glad to have read this. I think our boyfriends are very similar too! I never thought about how he always focuses on the task at hand with all of his attention, like your boyfriend does. This totally applies to everything he does. Thanks for making me think about the positive aspects. I think I will definitely take your advice and talk to him about it. Hopefully something will come of it. I'll be happy with any improvement. Thanks for your advice! You just brightened my day.

I'm glad to hear it.

 

[bliz]

This would only be true (IMO) if he wasn't willing to work on his problems and try and improve. And I'm not talking about just saying that they well, but making a genuine try so that over time they will show up on time more and more until they have the habit of doing it.

I have told him exactly how I feel and he gets defensive and has some excuse why he's late. Couldn't he just be on time for once? Last weekend, I was really upset and he just laughed and said I knew you'd be mad. And I told him that I think it's ridiculous that he's always late and he said that it's not mandatory that he be on time to just come and see me. So I don't know what to do.

Does he sound ready to work on his probelms? He laughs at her pain!!! Why are women so willing to take such garbage from men who claim to love them?