Problem situation...please respond.

[Vicissa]

I could use your feedback right now. We've just had a situation in our house, and I am looking for some opinions on it right now.

My H has his son over right now, and he's the same age (11) as my eldest daughter. They play together a lot, she talks to him a lot. Well, apparently she was told earlier to not follow him around so much, it was getting on his nerves. My H had told her to leave him alone too, to not be glued to his side. That is fine with me.

The kids all got in trouble for acting like monkeys, running around and jumping (we're in an apartment so that's a no-no) and all had to go to their rooms. After they came out, my daughter sat next to my SS.

My H told her to go do something else, that she needs to stop being like a terd hanging off of the SS. He said that she was already asked to leave him alone, and why don't she beat it, she needs to go sit and read, or do something else besides sit next to him. The SS chimes in, saying Yeah..
I spoke up, because I felt it was really harsh.
I was upset. I said I didn't think that was a nice way of telling her, that we're talking to a kid and can do it in a way that doesn't equate her to being something gross. She just sat next to him. I understand he told her already to give him some space, and I am all for enforcing that...just the tactic was TACTLESS. She doesn't have sibling her age, and it's been over a month since SS has been around. I expect it to be normal that a child will gravitate to a child her own age.
I felt like it was drug out, that she was humilated in a sense, simply for sitting next to someone.

So I spoke up, said I didn't like how it was handled. He said I was blowing it out of proportion. I say he's minimizing how his words can hurt, and he is blowing the situation out of proportion. He said he already said it "nice" and she doesn't listen to nice. I say that still doesn't make it "alright", we're talking a child and there is a way of saying it that doesn't degrade her or make her sitting next to him "bad."

What do you think?

 

[HuntingMan]

I think we need more information.

How do the kids typically get along?
Are they generally treated the same by the both of you ?
Is your huband just doing this, or are there issues in other areas ?
Are you overreacting ? Do you ever?
Is he overreacting? Does he ever?
Is the SS overreacting? Does he ever?

Who initiated the original request for 'space', the son or the father?

When the initial request was made, do you know and understand the reasoning ?

Does your daughter possibly have more of an interest in the son? (I ask this because its fairly common given that they arent truly related....it happens, even at that age and its not usually anything to worry about).

Ive yet to see a blended family, other than the old Brady Bunch, that didnt have problems where step children/parents were concerned.
The trick is to understand the cause of the problems and hopefully have two ADULTS who are both willing to work thru things.
Sadly, it only takes ONE adult who is acting childish to keep things from ever running smoothly with the children.

 

[Autumnleaf]

You could tell the boy that as long as she isn't touching him he should stop whining because it is girlish.

 

[immersedingrace]

I think we need more information.

How do the kids typically get along?
Are they generally treated the same by the both of you ?
Is your huband just doing this, or are there issues in other areas ?
Are you overreacting ? Do you ever?
Is he overreacting? Does he ever?
Is the SS overreacting? Does he ever?

Who initiated the original request for 'space', the son or the father?

When the initial request was made, do you know and understand the reasoning ?

Does your daughter possibly have more of an interest in the son? (I ask this because its fairly common given that they arent truly related....it happens, even at that age and its not usually anything to worry about).

Ive yet to see a blended family, other than the old Brady Bunch, that didnt have problems where step children/parents were concerned.
The trick is to understand the cause of the problems and hopefully have two ADULTS who are both willing to work thru things.
Sadly, it only takes ONE adult who is acting childish to keep things from ever running smoothly with the children.

I think the biggest issue she has is with the use of this language:

stop being like a terd hanging off

and regardless of anything else THAT is inappropriate to say to your daughter/step-daughter no matter WHAT the circumstances. It's rude, disrespectful, and down right hurtful, particularly to an 11 year old girl. No further information is needed. I don't think she is over reacting by requesting that her hubby apologize to the daughter. She further indicated that she agrees with the need for space, but the situation could have been handled a lot better. I would have left the house if my step-dad had said that to me. I'd have disappeared for a few hours because I would have been hurt and mortified.

Vicissa, no, I don't think you over reacted and I would continue to request that my hubby apologize to my daughter or any other child he says things like that to.

 

[HuntingMan]

.

I think you and I will need to simply agree to disagree about needing more information.
Id appreciate if you direct any further comments towards the OP and not me.

==========================
To Vicissa
If youd like to throw out some of the info I asked about, Id be more than happy to offer an opinion.
The fact is that we dont even know what the 'NORM' is in YOUR house, which is exactly what my questions were meant to find out.

If 'turd' is something your husband uses in jest to ALL of the kids, then its a bit different that he used it in THIS case than say if he NEVER uses it, even in jest, and just was being nasty to YOUR daughter.... regardless of what the previous poster may feel in the matter.

Im quite sure that SOME folks here would have found my running thru the house playing with my kids being very loud and acting like a 6 year old with them when they were children 'inappropriate', and some did, but it was frankly none of anyones business...nor was MY mode of correction which was usually the corner and writing sentences.
The fact is ALL of our households are unique and we DO NEED more information about what is 'normal' in YOUR household to understand entirely.

We just counciled another couple who almost split up because one was seeing things entirely different from the other where the children were concerned and it was all because of the way they were looking at what was going on where the children were concerned and each adult was misinterpreting what the other 'meant' when they did and said things.
All it took was looking at the DETAILS of the situation and working from there.

The point is this, and the last poster doesnt need to agree.
If your husband is like this NORMALLY, then no, he was not singling out YOUR daughter with some vicious verbal attack, in which case there may have been some OVERreacting...even if you dont like the word 'turd'...and you can simply let him know that you dont like his using the word to ANY of the children, not just your daughter. (a child is a child and ALL children need to be protected equally, not just our own)

If he NEVER uses this sort of talk at ANY time with the kids, then there could be a problem that is far deeper than just having some issue with your daughter at THAT particular point in time.
IN our recent counciling there was honestly just a misunderstanding issue. Once it was resolved and some adjustments made, all is well now. I just saw the couple last evening and they are doing wonderfully.
In your case, we really do need to understand more about the patterns in your own house first before it can be determined if you did OVERreact to what happened
The word 'turd' is actually irrelevant here, we need to look to see if your husband is having some issues that go far beyond just your daughter sitting next to your stepson.
If there is a deeper issue, Im sure you want to try to identify THAT problem and work on resolving it instead of worrying about a word that may have been said.

If there is no other issue, but honestly it does sound as if there is, but if not, then you dont need our advice, you just need to take your husband aside and tell him that youd like to set a language boundry where these words wouldnt be used towards the children.
But let him know that you love HIS children too and let him know that it bothers you when he says it to THEM as well....if he does. If he doesnt, then Im sure you understand my earlier point.

 

[sparassidae]

I think that sort of language is inappropriate to say to anyone, least of all one of your children (blood related or not).

 

[BigNorsk]

Yes your husband was a bit overboard with his language.

But then this isn't just one incident because I would be really really certain that your children have neglected to listen the first time before.

So instead of turning this into a big fight. How about a talk as two adults about what should his, and your way of dealing with the kids and disobedience be?

Should he have sent her back to her room?

Should she have gotten a warning due to time passing?

Just what?

And it should be a consistent thing. Not just this one incident. Matter of fact, you shouldn't even use this incident when trying to work it out for one very big reason.

One parent should never, except in very serious cases like physical harm, jump in and contradict or try to discipline the other adult in the middle of something with the children.

What you did was very damaging. And will likely cause the children to provoke your husband because they now know they don't need to listen to him, you will jump in and prevent him from enforcing anything.

When such happens, if the children appeal to you, you back him up. And then when things have settled down and it's just the two of you, you talk it over. If you don't present a united front the children will do what children do and exploit the disunity to do what they want to.

It's almost impossible to jump into the middle of something like that and then expect your husband to do anything about it because then it all turns into a big power struggle. If he goes now to your daughter and apologizes he's the child apologizing because his mommy made him. If you had kept your mouth shut and talked to him, he could have gone and apologized and it would have brought them closer because it wouldn't be like you made him.

Mixed families are more difficult. That makes it critical for the two of you to present a united front. Even when you don't agree if he is acting as parent you keep it until it's private. If he sees something you are doing as parent and he doesn't like it, he keeps it to himself until it's private. Never fight in front of the children. They've already been through broken homes, they don't need you filling them with fear it's going to happen again.

Marv

 

[immersedingrace]

I think you and I will need to simply agree to disagree about needing more information.
Id appreciate if you direct any further comments towards the OP and not me.

I was directing my comments to your post not you. If you don't want people "directing" comments to YOU, it would probably be wise to afford them the same courtesy.

When I address a post to a particular person, I generally use the word you, your, or some other indicator that I'm addressing THEM specifically....btw, I AM addressing YOU this time as YOU felt need to address ME.

I still stand by my statement that no further information is needed. The OP was apparently upset by this, as well she should be, and from that, I make the educated guess that it is not a normal comment said in jest and considering that the OP indicated that the father/step-father treats everyone like this, doesn't make it right this time OR the other times.

 

[Vicissa]

How do the kids typically get along?
I haven't seen them have any issues at all. Our SS rarely comes over, maybe once a month. They play together fine.
Are they generally treated the same by the both of you ?
I can't say because he isn't over enough. In my opinion my H is harder on my eldest (biologically not his, we have 2 other young ones together).
Is your huband just doing this, or are there issues in other areas ?
There are other issues. He has gone to counseling for being verbally abusive with me. He has anger issues.
Are you overreacting ? Do you ever?
I overreact sometimes yes. Who doesn't? I don't think I'm overreacting this time.
Is he overreacting? Does he ever?
Yes. He overreacts sometimes, just like me. His parenting style is pretty strict.
Is the SS overreacting? Does he ever?SS wasn't the person who brought it up this time. He doesn't usually overreact here, but I know he has a problem at home with getting physical with his other siblings and anger issues.

Who initiated the original request for 'space', the son or the father?
I'm not sure. My husband said that his son told her to quit following him around. But he said he was the one who told her to quit it.
When the initial request was made, do you know and understand the reasoning ? I understand the reason for the initial request IF it was initiated by SS.

Does your daughter possibly have more of an interest in the son? (I ask this because its fairly common given that they arent truly related....it happens, even at that age and its not usually anything to worry about).
I don't think so, but I can't rule it out completely.

 

[Vicissa]

Yes your husband was a bit overboard with his language.

But then this isn't just one incident because I would be really really certain that your children have neglected to listen the first time before.

So instead of turning this into a big fight. How about a talk as two adults about what should his, and your way of dealing with the kids and disobedience be?

Should he have sent her back to her room?

Should she have gotten a warning due to time passing?

Just what?

And it should be a consistent thing. Not just this one incident. Matter of fact, you shouldn't even use this incident when trying to work it out for one very big reason.

One parent should never, except in very serious cases like physical harm, jump in and contradict or try to discipline the other adult in the middle of something with the children.

What you did was very damaging. And will likely cause the children to provoke your husband because they now know they don't need to listen to him, you will jump in and prevent him from enforcing anything.

When such happens, if the children appeal to you, you back him up. And then when things have settled down and it's just the two of you, you talk it over. If you don't present a united front the children will do what children do and exploit the disunity to do what they want to.

It's almost impossible to jump into the middle of something like that and then expect your husband to do anything about it because then it all turns into a big power struggle. If he goes now to your daughter and apologizes he's the child apologizing because his mommy made him. If you had kept your mouth shut and talked to him, he could have gone and apologized and it would have brought them closer because it wouldn't be like you made him.

Mixed families are more difficult. That makes it critical for the two of you to present a united front. Even when you don't agree if he is acting as parent you keep it until it's private. If he sees something you are doing as parent and he doesn't like it, he keeps it to himself until it's private. Never fight in front of the children. They've already been through broken homes, they don't need you filling them with fear it's going to happen again.

Marv

Okay. Hmmm.. Well. I asked for opinion, and that's what I got. The kids aren't from broken homes per se, the SS was a fling thing, and me and H have been together since my eldest was 9 months old.

United front?? I don't think so. I don't and won't submit to my children's feelings being trampled. I tell them to defend each other against people picking on them or hurting them, and against people who are picking on others smaller than them. I'm supposed to sit back and "keep my mouth shut" while my daughter is compared to a piece of fecal matter?
I'm sorry, but I can't even accept your opinon as valid when you say something like I "should have kept my mouth shut." That's degrading in itself, and I find it offensive. I don't think God would have me stand united with someone hurting a child either.

 

[HuntingMan]

Thanks for the answers
I just have found out that its not always what it seems on the surface when we read a post like your OP here.
There is always details that need to be seen to understand the picture as a whole
Not prying in the least. I just wanted to get abetter feel before responding

How do the kids typically get along?
I haven't seen them have any issues at all. Our SS rarely comes over, maybe once a month. They play together fine.

I see.
So there hasnt been any real reason for any animosity to have developed at this point ?

Are they generally treated the same by the both of you ?
I can't say because he isn't over enough. In my opinion my H is harder on my eldest (biologically not his, we have 2 other young ones together).

See, THIS is why I asked questions that another poster doesnt seem to care about.
Its VERY important to know if there is a deeper issue here in order to understand whether YOU overreacted or not to what your husband said. Precisely why I asked the questions.

So you feel your husband IS singling out your oldest child?

Honestly, its very easy to do this when youre a step parent.
Your husband is going to have to literally watch his own behavior for a while making very sure that hes treating ALL of the children exactly the same.
Over time he can retrain himself with these new habits, but the first problem is figuring out if he has a sincere desire to to so.
If not, youre probably beating a dead horse here and venting may be all that there is to do.
Sadly, and believe me, my own family has this type, some folks seem incapable of ever truly caring about a child that isnt theirs biologically and will almost always show them less respect.
Its entirely unnacceptable to treat an innocent child like this...its not THEIR fault who their parents are, kwim ?

Is your huband just doing this, or are there issues in other areas ?
There are other issues. He has gone to counseling for being verbally abusive with me. He has anger issues.

I see.
Has the counciling had any effect at all on him ?

Are you overreacting ? Do you ever?
I overreact sometimes yes. Who doesn't? I don't think I'm overreacting this time.

We ALL overreact sometimes
Im just trying to get a better picture so we know if in this one particular case if you did or didnt.
I assume that was the point of the OP.

Is he overreacting? Does he ever?
Yes. He overreacts sometimes, just like me. His parenting style is pretty strict.

This was actually one of the major problems with the couple I was talking about.
He is more like I am with kids, a bit more carefree.
While she is VERY strict and micromanages far more than he and his daughter are used to.
The very recently became a 'family', his daughter and him with her and her 2 sons and 1 daughter. all are under 10.

Its been a very hard adjustment period and there was an explosion just last week because he has been holding some things in instead of dealing with them because he has been misinterpreting her behavior with his daughter and she has been misinterpreting his behavior with not only his own daughter, but his wife as well.
The new wife feels that hes too easy going and allows his daughter to hang on him too much and he thinks that the wife isnt nurturing enough is pretty much a house nazi.

We spent some time with them individually to try to determine how each felt about the situation and then together to work out the kinks.
It turns out that BOTH want to fix the problems and are willing to work on them in whatever manner necessary, so with them its just a matter of helping them read the situation a bit more clearly so they they arent MISinterpreting the actions of the other, which for them was THE problem.

Is the SS overreacting? Does he ever?
SS wasn't the person who brought it up this time.

This time?
Does that mean that he has brought it up in the past?
If so, is this just his demeanor overall, or is he getting particularly nasty with your oldest?

Just trying to discern what your SS may be simply drawing from your husbands behavior here.

He doesn't usually overreact here, but I know he has a problem at home with getting physical with his other siblings and anger issues.

so the SS has anger issues as well.
Can we assume that the previous family situation was somewhat dysfunctional overall ?
Ive noticed that when the children are 'angry' it usually stems from parents who are not exactly doing what they should be in one way or another. Ill leave it at that.

Who initiated the original request for 'space', the son or the father?
I'm not sure. My husband said that his son told her to quit following him around. But he said he was the one who told her to quit it.

Not really sure how to read this one.
If the father had just seen her following the SS around and got bent out of shape, you may need to tell him that he needs to relax and let the kids alone.
If the SS issued the request, then obviously there is some problem he is having with her following him.
Kids will be kids, for sure.

When the initial request was made, do you know and understand the reasoning ? I understand the reason for the initial request IF it was initiated by SS.

Ok.
So do you agree with the reasoning?
Do you feel like you need to talk to your daughter maybe and have her stop following him around?

Does your daughter possibly have more of an interest in the son? (I ask this because its fairly common given that they arent truly related....it happens, even at that age and its not usually anything to worry about).
I don't think so, but I can't rule it out completely.

I wouldnt get too alarmed if it is the case. Especially as young as they are.
I was wondering just because if it is a case where say she has a crush on him, its very mean of your husband to do this to her because she cant very well control those schoolgirl emotions, you know?

 

[HuntingMan]

Okay. Hmmm.. Well. I asked for opinion, and that's what I got. The kids aren't from broken homes per se, the SS was a fling thing, and me and H have been together since my eldest was 9 months old.

United front?? I don't think so. I don't and won't submit to my children's feelings being trampled. I tell them to defend each other against people picking on them or hurting them, and against people who are picking on others smaller than them. I'm supposed to sit back and "keep my mouth shut" while my daughter is compared to a piece of fecal matter?
I'm sorry, but I can't even accept your opinon as valid when you say something like I "should have kept my mouth shut." That's degrading in itself, and I find it offensive. I don't think God would have me stand united with someone hurting a child either.

While Im a very firm believer of not questioning the authority of the stepparent in front of the children,....that will cause more harm than good in most cases as the children will learn to use it to their advantage....in cases where a parent has already been dealing with verbal abuse and dysfunction from the other, its quite understandable why you reacted as you did.

If your husband is in counciling and it isnt helping or he isnt taking it serious, then you, as a parent do have the obligation to protect your child at ANY cost, even if it means doing what you did.

In most cases I would say that even if you disagree with your spouses decision, back him up in front of the children and then you and he works things out in private, then go to the child(ren) together with the amended plan and present it together.
The children need to see you united.

BUT...
This scenario assumes that BOTH parents are sincerely working towards a unified goal.
Where one is working and the other is belligerent and nasty, its going to be hard to back them up many times and you may have to come to the immediate rescue of one of the children.

Take for instance when my ex wife found her eldest teenage son with a dirty magazine. I literally had to remove her from the room with him because she was saying the most detestable, horrific things to him and actually trying to harm him physically.
Not all young boys find a Playboy to look at but ALL normal young boys become VERY interested in young girls in that way, its just curiousity at a point and with those hormones all getting kick started its a bit more than some young boys can handle

I literally had to step in and run her out of the room to protect her own son from her at that point.
There ARE cases where the parent simply MUST be stopped immediately for the childs sake and for the sake of that relationship.
I may have questioned her authority at that point in time, but the damage she was doing to her child emotionally when I walked in is something that he still has not let go 13 years later.
Had I gotten there sooner, the entire situation would never have happened and all that he would remember is that there was a time when I made his mother leave the room for whatever reason.

Try to work together but your childs wellbeing must ALWAYS come first when you know there is already a pre-existing situation where the parent or stepparent is known for abuse.

 

[BigNorsk]

Okay. Hmmm.. Well. I asked for opinion, and that's what I got. The kids aren't from broken homes per se, the SS was a fling thing, and me and H have been together since my eldest was 9 months old.

United front?? I don't think so. I don't and won't submit to my children's feelings being trampled. I tell them to defend each other against people picking on them or hurting them, and against people who are picking on others smaller than them. I'm supposed to sit back and "keep my mouth shut" while my daughter is compared to a piece of fecal matter?
I'm sorry, but I can't even accept your opinon as valid when you say something like I "should have kept my mouth shut." That's degrading in itself, and I find it offensive. I don't think God would have me stand united with someone hurting a child either.

http://psych-net-relationships.blogspot.com/2006/11/fighting-in-front-of-children.html

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/260

http://www.indiaparenting.com/raisingchild/data/raisingchild080.shtml

http://www.news-medical.net/?id=15891

If you and your husband could do what is called fighting fair and if that happened to take place in front of the children, I don't think that would be any harm, but it doesn't sound like you or your husband do that. It would be a good thing to learn. It might help your husband to see how unfruitful his way of doing things is. It is best learned with a therapist to guide you and act as a referee. If you have a basically good marriage relationship you could maybe look at the websites that tell about fighting fair and practice it as a skill together. Even just knowing about it and having it as a goal is better than nothing.

Marv

 

[Yitzchak]

My wife's family is Irish and if I ever made a statement like the turd one , it would have been an " Irish " moment. Which is when my wife gets out the frying pan and gets after me...( figuratively ). It would not have mattered whether it was in front of the children or not. Now my wife is the most gentle woman generally speaking. But when it comes to protecting children or protecting her home , watch out.

By the way , our two sons are not effected badly at all by my wife's occasional chastisement of me. They know my heart is to love my family and it makes them feel safe that Mom looks out for our family in a fiesty manner. Our children feel safe because they know certain things are never allowed in our home and it is an integrity issue that not even Dad gets an exemption from that one.

In the situation which you described , I would have been honest enough to admit I was wrong if I made a mistake like your husband did.

Which , by the way , is all this is...a mistake. One he should not get away with sweeping under the carpet though. For his own good and for your children's good also.

My advice....Get a little angry and use that anger to make a point to your husband that your daughter is not a target for abusive speech ever.Even if he is not meaning it to be abusive , it really is and he needs to soften his heart a little and see that.