preparing to court

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I need to give you some background on my situation to help you understand where I'm coming from.

My flatmate and I are very close and recently discovered that we both care about each other. We let some things slip into our relationship (of a physical nature) that shouldnt have without some form of commitment stated, and everytime I brought this up (not altogether friendly like - more naggy than anything), my flatmate ran in the other direction. I was very hurt by this - like I'm good enough to kiss, but not good enough to date properly.

I decided that we needed to have a chat, because he had always stated he wanted to be with me, but 'not yet'. The waiting period has driven me nuts! I'm sure a lot of girls can understand this. His main fears seem to have been with co-dependancy (of which he and his ex-defacto were very guilty of - from both sides), and a fear that it may be too committing.

So, tonight I said to him- thank you for talking to me about everything and I have a suggestion. I want to be with you, and you seem to want to be with me, but we have things to work through. My suggestion is to take 4 months out and really discover why we want to be with each other and start processes to grow into the people we should be for one another. I was petrified he might think I was blackmailing him (either you work it out by this date, or I'm out of here), but he was VERY receptive to this idea - with the promise he would work alongside me to become a better Christian, and a Godly boyfriend for me.

My question is this - how can I prepare myself best for a relationship such as this. The obvious is move out if we chose to date (which I will), but how do I help myself be more of a woman someone would be proud to date? What do most men want from a woman? I know I am too affectionate, so I am prepared to work on WHY I need the affection, and dealing with the root issues - but what else should I look at.

If it helps - I'm sanguine/melancholy and ESFJ... He is phleg/melancholy and INTP...

Sasch

 

[lilray]

Definitely move out... ASAP. It's too tempting for you both to stay flatmates. After that, just focus on growing as a christian. Set goals for yourself.. like reading the bible for at least 15 minutes a day. Praying at least 15 minutes a day and so on.

Just spend your time focusing on who God wants you to be in the future and not on the potential relationship with your flatmate. I really recommend you read "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. If it is God's will, you and your current flatmate will grow together.

I think it's great that you are both excited about growing as christians before you start dating! I'm sure you will both be blessed! Take care.

 

[mathias1979]

Lilray has great advice. Don't focus on what your future boyfriend wants of you...focus on what God wants of you. Don't try to be someone you're not. If you're affectionate...don't change that. If your flatmate doesn't want an affectionate girl...maybe that's a sign. There's plenty of men out there who want affection. If he doesn't come around by the date you set...then perhaps it's time to move on.

-Matt

 

[Warrior Poet]

I need to give you some background on my situation to help you understand where I'm coming from.

My flatmate and I are very close and recently discovered that we both care about each other. We let some things slip into our relationship (of a physical nature) that shouldnt have without some form of commitment stated, and everytime I brought this up (not altogether friendly like - more naggy than anything), my flatmate ran in the other direction. I was very hurt by this - like I'm good enough to kiss, but not good enough to date properly.

Im gonna recap, you live with a dude, physical feelings "ignited" (surprise surprise huh.. ) and other feelings as well, but they seemed to be only one sided.

I decided that we needed to have a chat, because he had always stated he wanted to be with me, but 'not yet'. The waiting period has driven me nuts! I'm sure a lot of girls can understand this. His main fears seem to have been with co-dependancy (of which he and his ex-defacto were very guilty of - from both sides), and a fear that it may be too committing.

Good call on the chat sometimes the heart to hearts are stumbbled on and other times they are called for, to rarely do they "just happen." IMO this is how I think he sees it. Soundy silly, the fact that you live together plays into the "not yet". A. Commitment is one thing, living with ther person you have a commitment with is a very different ballgame. Dude is scared, it sounds like he is fearful of putting himself in the exact same position he once did. More so he could be fearing to put YOU in that situation. There are certain things guys need and have to do to be a "boyfriend" or anything of that nature, not to often do guys realise this BEFORE they are in the mix, your boo is one up on the game from the sound of it.

So, tonight I said to him- thank you for talking to me about everything and I have a suggestion. I want to be with you, and you seem to want to be with me, but we have things to work through. My suggestion is to take 4 months out and really discover why we want to be with each other and start processes to grow into the people we should be for one another. I was petrified he might think I was blackmailing him (either you work it out by this date, or I'm out of here), but he was VERY receptive to this idea - with the promise he would work alongside me to become a better Christian, and a Godly boyfriend for me.

My question is this - how can I prepare myself best for a relationship such as this. The obvious is move out if we chose to date (which I will), but how do I help myself be more of a woman someone would be proud to date? What do most men want from a woman? I know I am too affectionate, so I am prepared to work on WHY I need the affection, and dealing with the root issues - but what else should I look at.

I had a lot to say but I'll stick with the question at hand. I think its plain and simple keeping being you. Its no fun if you have to try and "be" something for one another. A very sweet gesture yet a very irrelevant one. You met each other a certain way, you developed feeling because of how you both were. It almost sounds like you are trying to fix something thats simply NOT broken. See being too affectionate shouldnt be looked at as a problem, some people are just like that. I am not so much affectionate as physical, poking tickling hugging, that stuff means a lot to me. Nothing better then walking up behind your lady wrapping your arms around her and whispering "Hi...". Thats not something I need to work on if a person ever said I dont like that about you.... I would say bu bye. As far as dude becomming a more Godly man and a better christian is terrific news, if he is doing for you, i think it takes away from it, if you are the main reason he "picks it up" in that lifestyle then he can drop it just as easy, it needs to be for him, and God. Hes gotta be right in his priorities or a breakdown will become enivitable.

If it helps - I'm sanguine/melancholy and ESFJ... He is phleg/melancholy and INTP...

Nope doesnt help .....and the the HECK IS A FLATMATE??????

Warrior Poet

 

[FaithfulServant]

Okay, I am all about books, so I am going to recommend some to you

Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret's of a Man's Soul by John Eldredge

The Power of a Praying Woman

Lady in Waiting: Developing Your Love Relationships

Boy Meets Girl

Secrets of an Irresistible Woman


All excellent books that will help help you grow closer to God while learning about various issues such as courting, how to be patient until marriage, how to avoid sexual temptation (it takes a change of heart), and much more....


Oh, and I HIGHLY suggest you move out of the same flat as him, and this is not associated with courting at all. I can't see anything positive that will come out of you two living together while deciding to court.....and then courting. If you want to Honor God and FLEE all sexual immorlity, then move out honey!

God Bless ,

Steffani

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Just be you.
You're worth being proud over.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Hey guys,

thanks for the suggestions - got a few questions to answer...

Flatmate - means roomie (in U.S speak) - we don't share a 'room', so it sounds wrong to call it roommate - flatmate is how it is referred to in Australia.

This guy has made 'intimations' that he cares about me - he loves giving me hugs, always worries about me when I'm sick, gets 'funny' if I go out with other guys, and has in the past said that he loves me, and has said he can't imagine a time when I'm not there - therefore I'm FAIRLY sure it wasn't all one-sided. Then (before I gave this suggestion about 4 months out) we had a LONG conversation one night, where there were lots of tears (on both sides) talking about why we were scared of committing, why we care about each other, etc, but seeing we had to work (and it was like 3am!) we decided to can it and sleep.

And, the reason I posted my thread, was just to get some suggestions on how to mould into a good Christian girlfriend- NOT just into someone he wants, but how to make myself more 'spiritually attractive' in my life. The books that were suggested seem great, and seeing he owns a few of them (and I own a couple), I should re-read them - AND take notes.

OH - surprised noone mentioned Boundaries Before Marriage - I'm working through that at the moment - and taking 100s of notes - all should read it!!!

Sasch

 

[desi]

I'd say get off the pill and get pregnant then he'll probably marry you. But that only works on suckers like me.

 

[FaithfulServant]

I'd say get off the pill and get pregnant then he'll probably marry you. But that only works on suckers like me.

Desi, lol, what a horrible suggestion!

 

[desi]

Desi, lol, what a horrible suggestion!

Its true! Now we're on our 6th, due in July.

 

[tesnusxenos]

I'd say get off the pill and get pregnant then he'll probably marry you. But that only works on suckers like me.

There is no suggestion that they are having sex at this point so why did you post that? They share an apartment (flat) but not a bedroom.

 

[desi]

There is no suggestion that they are having sex at this point so why did you post that? They share an apartment (flat) but not a bedroom.

Sharing an appartment as BF and GF and not having sex? Where's the laughing smile thing? I was born in the dark but it wasn't last nite. Of course I will admit my folly if the original poster says I'm wrong.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Since when was my sexual history anyone else's concern - oh I forgot, on this forum, everyone is entitled to know!!!! GRRRRRR - grow up people!!!

Also, just so you know, not ALL people who live together (or semi-live together) end up sleeping together. My best friend and her fiance (actually 2 couples I know of that are now married) often slept over each others houses and NEVER slept together before marriage (I have reasons as to why I know this to be true - ie certain 'freaked out' conversations - but I will not reveal them here). That might be a rarity where you are from - but around my friends they all seem to have enough self control to be able to stay in the same house overnight and not sleep together, and any intimation that someone cant is ridiculous - our emotions shouldn't control us, and we should be able to be mature enough to wait until the time is right.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Also - I would appreciate REAL guidance here - not some silly off the cuff comment - thank you

Sasch

 

[JVD]

OK...I will give you some real guidance. You have had some good suggestions here and also some guidance that might be labelled "post-modern christian". By that I mean it is a do what feels right for you type of idea.

The right thing is this...move out now! People have mentioned this and you haven't responded to it.

Then you need to understand you motivation. Do you just want to be in a "relationship"? Or marriage? "Relationship", is used many ways and one way is to say we are living together but not married...or we are just "dating" but not engaged. People seem to want the dessert without the meat. Or the "relationship" without the committment.

So move out now. See if he is interested in you. If he shows interest...find out by using plain language (not post-modern speak) if he is interested in marriage or just a girl friend. If he is interested in marriage and this is a courtship to find out if you and he might be meant for each other treat it that way...seriously.

You have already gone WAY beyond what is wise. It is now time to use wisdom, not just emotions because you are not only dealing with your future, you are dealing with his future and the future of any children you may have.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Sorry - I thought my comment about the fact I AM moving out (in the original post) was enough

Sasch

 

[JVD]

Sorry...didn't see your statement...I guess you intimated that in the first post that you should move out if you become his girlfriend.

I would drop that term (girlfriend) unless it means something different down under. To me it means that you have a quasi-committment to him (you are his girlfriend) without any real intention of moving toward a more serious committment of fiance (which means to me a ring and a date to get married).

I think you both need to agree that you are looking toward future marriage and the purpose of your courtship is just that. It should come up honestly in your conversations after a few months. It it doesn't than there is a fear of committment on someones ( or both) parts. It there is an unwillingness to commit than there should not be a relationship at all. That desire to commit to a future mate needs to be there before there is any courtship...

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Thanks JVD,

I think that's what this 4 months is about for both of us - last time we tried to get something up and running, there was so much pressure from outside forces about it, we really forgot to relax and take things as they came - plus him just coming out of a long term 'attachment' to a girl (they'd broken up long before I was on the scene, but his healing on that was very new), and my broken engagement left us in a bit of a quandry on what we were looking for, so obviously it fizzled out.

Now, it's different. The love we feel for each other would be more 'love' than what we thought it was. We care about each others wellbeing FIRST whenever we think of each other and our interactions, we challenge each other on spiritual stuff, and we encourage each other to further pursue God and our individual goals. Suffice to say, this has made us both very attractive to one another as future spouses.

So, this four months is interesting. Taking that step back has forced us to regard each other in a much different light, and so far, that light has been positive. The posts on here have been great and I think that the fears he had about getting married (codependance, entrapment, etc) have been abated due to a number of books. So this four months is to ENSURE we're right to progress to a stage of 'dating with intent' instead of 'dating without purpose'. I guess we're just learning to build on the friendship


All prayer and encouragement and guidance STILL gratefully received -provided it is serious, in a Godly manner and adheres to the Bible and common sense.

Sasch

 

[Warrior Poet]

On a side note by the way. Being a Godly boyfriend/husband cant be "taught". Again I think I understand the sentiment of it all, and I am not saying its a bad idea at all seems very wise, but the only way to become a Godly "SO" is through experience. There are too many things people go over in there heads so many times they know exactly what they would say and do, but in real life thats not how it goes down. I think the next four months, as far as your boy is concerned, is learning what integrity is and knowing how to practice it. Hold a standard for yourself and dont let it drop nor get to high, but the "REAL" man/boy is gonna come out when and if you two become something more. Thats also something you need to understand as well. Give him time to get his feet wet and patient with him, but I think things will work out fine. *shrug*

Dont listen to desi...... (jk bro, welcome back)

Warrior Poet