Pre-courting preparation?

[micaela]

Do you think that there are any issues that must be addressed before beginning a courting relationship (other than faith and interest/attraction)?

I've been friends with a guy for ~6mths. We're both practising and growing Christians, and have romantic feelings for each other. If we were to start courting, we agree that it means working towards figuring out whether we are a wise choice for each other for marriage.

Obviously there is an infinite list of things we could disagree on and still have a happy marriage, but I feel that there are some things that we should discuss before formally moving into a courting relationship that may not doom a marriage to failure, but can predict a more difficult marriage. I don’t know what all of those things are, but ones that come immediately to mind are "does one of us have some life plan that the other can’t work with (e.g. me wanting to go overseas)", "do we both want kids?", and if the answers were radically different, it would seem unwise to me to start a courting relationship.

Do my ideas seem too intense to you? Are there other crucial issues that if disagreed upon, would say to you that you shouldn't begin courting someone?

I've spoken with him about this, but am interested to hear your opinions. Thanks.

 

[peanutbutter12]

One of the things I told another Aussie friend of mine. Go overseas and have your fun before you get romantically involved with someone. Because the closer you get to them, the harder it will be for them to agree with your going. I mean, it depends on when you are leaving and for how long. It can always work out if it's meant to and if the love is there and strong, but it's not easy, of course.

It's no harm or foul to talk to each other on the next level. To learn about each other and what you want for your futures. See what happens when you start asking questions. Maybe you are compatible, maybe not. But you won't know if you don't ask, now will you?

CJ

 

[KristianJ]

One of the things I told another Aussie friend of mine. Go overseas and have your fun before you get romantically involved with someone. Because the closer you get to them, the harder it will be for them to agree with your going. I mean, it depends on when you are leaving and for how long. It can always work out if it's meant to and if the love is there and strong, but it's not easy, of course.
CJ

Too late for me!! But then again, I'd prefer to save an overseas experience for when I am married and have someone who I'd genuinely enjoy travelling with and sharing that experience

As for the issues, I don't think you're going too indepth, micaela. If you're comfortable discussing all of these things before deciding to take the step into the relationship, then that's great - it shows that you're willing to communicate at a serious level and tackle issues that could indeed affect the future of the relationship. Maybe there's stuff that's better left further into it, but I think that's the decision of each couple as to what they talk about and when

 

[Quantum_Man]

I also don't think you're being too in depth micaela. Before I started dating my girlfriend we had a talk about our purpose for dating and even made a list beforehand of qualities we wanted in the other person and showed them to each other. We prayed about it and asked God to tell us if it was His will for us to date. Less than a week later, after some good advice from my pastor, we started dating. And now 3+ years later we're engaged!

 

[Ithilwyn]

I think it is a great idea to talk about the things that will never change--the qualities you are looking for or not looking for--but keep in mind that there are also a lot of other things that do change. The goals I have for my life now are not the goals I had five or even two years ago, so I personally don't see that as a major criteria for the person I am dating; however, if you see your goals as something that you cannot or will not give up, definitely bring them up beforehand.

 

[Iceman_Aragorn]

Do you think that there are any issues that must be addressed before beginning a courting relationship (other than faith and interest/attraction)?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Especially after having read Josh Harris' Boy Meets Girl. I'm in a situation where I've known the girl for about 8 months, but we don't live near each other (1000-some-odd kms). We've each once visited the other, but through the sheer amount of time we spend together talking (ie on MSN+webcam/phone), I know we both want more, though I've been limiting us from having a formal relationship (a courtship, if you will) until we live (read: God brings us) closer together.

One thing I did very very recently was just write up my thoughts on courtship based on what I've learned, and even gone so far as to put somewhat of a list of boundaries for the courting stage and a bit of a rationale for them.

It's 2 pages long, so feel free to read it if you like, maybe you'll get some ideas out of it, maybe not. constructive criticism welcome. Sorry for the length...i dont think .doc attachments are accepted, so here we go:

Courtship, in my own words, is a period of time in which two people engage in something like dating, but with the more defined purpose of spending time together in order to determine if it is God’s will and our own desire that we should get married (though many of the other thoughts expressed herein are taken from people wiser than myself). It is a time for increased friendship, fellowship, and romance. This is accomplished in part by the courtship being known by the community (i.e. church friends/leaders and parents) so that they can provide reality checks, protection, and accountability. We respect our parents’ opinions on the relationship, even though they have no final say in the matter (Prov 15:22: “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed”). A courtship ends when the confidence in wanting to marry is 100% or one or both people decide that the relationship should not go beyond friendship. At that point, either a difficult road to recovering the state of friendship would begin, or a proposal would become imminent.

A God-glorifying, wisdom-guided courtship has two main priorities: to treat each other with holiness and sincerity, and to make an informed and wise decision about marriage. The roles of such a relationship might include, for the man:
1. Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women.
2. Be a spiritual leader in your relationships with women.
3. Do little things that communicate your respect, care, and desire to protect.
4. Encourage women to embrace Godly femininity.
and for the woman:
1. In relationship with godly men, encourage and make room for them to practice servant leadership.
2. Be a sister to the men in your life.
3. Cultivate the attitude that motherhood is a noble and fulfilling calling.
4. Cultivate godliness and inward beauty in your life.

During courtship, love is shown, amongst other ways, by guarding each other’s purity and refraining from sexual/physical intimacy. Giving into lustful temptations will only lead to more lust; affection can be shown without excessive physical intimacy. To this end, a list of boundaries is necessary. That said, in a situation where the two people entering a courtship are extremely close friends already, such a list can be slightly relaxed, as the main purpose of it would be to protect the couple from letting physical intimacy be mistaken as love before high levels of intimacy in communication, friendship, and fellowship exist. With those in place, and in the presence of a list of boundaries which others will help the couple be accountable to, the boundaries can be somewhat relaxed. At what the boundaries are set is less important than not compromising them at all. It may be difficult to keep to these boundaries, but it would be worthwhile to do so in the long run.

The purpose of this list isn’t to limit intimacy per se, but is intended to
1. Save as much intimacy for the post-courting period as possible.
2. Test our willingness to maintain purity in the Lord’s eyes (despite past impurities, this is a worthwhile goal…actually, not only ‘despite’ but even more so ‘because of’).
3. Act similar to a fast, in that each time we think about going beyond the guidelines, we will use that as a signal to spend that time with God rather than in lustful thoughts.
4. Guard the direction and intention of our hearts to keep from having inappropriate desires.
And thereby:
5. Center the relationship on God and his plan for love rather than our own desires.

Such a list, in the case of ___ and ___, might look something like this:

1. We will not caress each other intimately. This would include
- touching, stroking, or kissing each other’s face,
- touching the front of each other’s torso (aside from hugging)
but would not include
- rubbing each other’s back or neck,
- playing with each other’s hair

2. We will not put ourselves in excessively intimate positions. This would include
- lying down next to each other,
- sitting on or resting our heads on each other’s lap,
but would not include
- hugging,
- leaning or resting on each other,
- ___ putting his arm around ___’s shoulder,
- holding hands

3. We will guard our conversation and meditation. This would include
- not talking about our future physical relationship
- not thinking about or dwelling on things that would be sinful now (for if you have a lustful thought, you have committed that sin in your heart)
- not reading or watching things related to physical intimacy within marriage prematurely.

4. Actions that would become allowable after engagement would include
- touching, stroking, or kissing each other’s face,
- sitting on or resting our heads on each other’s lap

If agreed upon, such a list would be given to anyone we trust or spend lots of time around so that they may know our standards and help us be accountable to stick to them (ie roommates, parents, Christian leaders, friends we go out with a lot).

 

[KristianJ]

Nice synopsis, Iceman! Of course, each couple's different boundaries could vary a little bit, but I think you've encapsulated the key points very well (especially accountability and the fact that other people whom you trust need to know about your relationship). And it's important to realise that the Biblical roles within a marriage are to a degree applicable to a courtship as well, which you mentioned Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

 

[InTheFlame]

Micaela, I'd recommend Boundaries Before Marriage (it's called Boundaries in Dating in the US) by Drs Cloud and Townsend. It covers a lot of the things a couple should talk about and consider before getting too serious about each other. It was very useful for hubby and I.

 

[Iceman_Aragorn]

i agree. my ideas were largely from that book (boundaries) and to a greater extent, Boy meets Girl

 

[micaela]

Thanks for all the wisdom shown in your replies. I really appreciate hearing how you've experienced the initial courtship decision.

 

[B®ent]

Micaela, I'd recommend Boundaries Before Marriage (it's called Boundaries in Dating in the US) by Drs Cloud and Townsend. It covers a lot of the things a couple should talk about and consider before getting too serious about each other. It was very useful for hubby and I.

I second that. The Harris books are decent as well, but not as in-depth as Boundaries.

 

[InTheFlame]

I second that. The Harris books are decent as well, but not as in-depth as Boundaries.

The main issue I have with the Harris books is that they seem to be very easy to misunderstand, or misread. It's understandable... Joshua Harris is a lot younger than Drs Cloud and Townsend, and less life experience to draw on.