Pray for our future careers?

[bluegreysky]

Continuing on the topic of my hubby's PTSD...


We spent most of the weekend doing soul searching to help him find some answers.
And he revealed something to me: His constant irrational fear of people.
I always knew he had some issues because of the PTSD, and because of those issues he hadn't worked a regular job the whole time I'd known him.
He always made it just fine on disability benefits and allowance pay for going to college.
He went to community college the first year I knew him, and for two more years after. He got an Associate's degree in sciences, just a general degree to get him ready for more college.
He began to go to a large university in the city of Jacksonville in fall 2012,
but then realized it wasn't right for him. Too far of a commute, too big and stressful, too much homework was involved.
So he changed his plan and took 2 years off.
He started collecting materials to launch a web design business, but then he realized about 6 months ago it was going to be alot harder than he thought. So he took up a new offer from the VA.
Instead of trying to get a degree in engineering, which he'd figured out wouldn't open up alot of jobs around here,
he will now attend our local private college (my alma mater) for an accounting degree.
2 more years of benefits pay that is more than double what I make as a bank teller.
(if nothing changes with his VA benefits)

The problem isn't that. It's the afterwards.
He doesn't like to deal with people. He couldn't do what I do, a bank teller job. Or any job like that in Customer service. He wants to launch that web design business so he can get his instructions from a client and then go to work at home behind a computer on doing the task. He won't deal with dozens of public faces on the daily.
The accounting degree is what he chose because he LOVES math. LOVES LOVES LOVES (lol I HATE math). But he knows he'd have to sit down and talk to people to do their accounting. Uhm so how does that work?
He can also use the accounting degree or just bachelor's in general to go get a master's in something else. If the VA will oblige.

So long story short in 2-3 years, he will either be working from home designing apps and software and web pages, or he will be at an office doing accounting. or a little of both.
IT's just his fear of people is holding him back from really being like "YES! I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO SUPPORT US!" If there's any kind of hangup getting started.
I'm genuinely terrified he will standby for a year or something and not go get a regular job, like mine, to keep us afloat.

So I went to college for public relations. When I got out in 2009, there were NO jobs. Freezes in fact. Obama-bomb had just gone off and ruined the economy. So I scraped by on mall jobs until I got this bank job.
Thinking "hey I may have to support us if he doesn't find some direction after college" I start googling on Sunday about jobs that pay better then mine. Turns out if I wanted to go get a PR job at a news station or news paper or any company for that matter, I'd need a few years experience in the field. HAH! how am I suppsed to have that when there weren't any jobs for me to get it from!? you idiots.
Ok there really aren't any jobs I can get that I'm qualified for that are "better" than mine right now. Not unless I go back to college. Which isn't in the cards. The money cards.

What should I be praying for then?
Hubby to overcome his fear and tackle the career world?
Hubby to launch a business without a hitch?
Or myself to find a "better" job soon?
Or a trifecta of all 3?

 

[HannahT]

How about you send your fears and dreams to him, and speak to God like you would do your neighbor or friend? There really isn't anything you can't tell him, and he doesn't need anything official sounding...or formal.

Sadly, with any job he will need to learn to deal with people on some level. I was a business owner for over 15 years. Most of the time I was doing production, but the rest of the time? I had to drum up business - and you have to 'talk to people' in order to do that. There is no way around it.

It would seem to me that accounting for a firm he wouldn't have to drum up business so much, because business would comes to the firm. He would have to request information, and people would have to inform him of their direction, etc. In the web business? He would have more hands on. Design changes, layout, etc would all be consultations from customers.

My brother didn't have PTSD, but he did have some extreme shyness growing up. For example, waitress would come to our table to ask for our order? He would be UNDER the table because he would be forced to tell her what he wanted. Dad tried to push him a little at McDonalds once, and told him to go up and get Ketchup. The boy stood there until staff realized he was there (it was busy) to ask HIM what he needed. He also died when he had to tell them.

My folks knew that he would never make it if he couldn't get a handle on that part. They worked with him for years, and I remember Dad getting him a job at Montgomery Wards in the Men's suit department. It forced him to speak to the clients when he took their measurements for the suits. Mother forced him to take speech class in High School. Yes, he had other things - those are just examples.

My brother is STILL shy, but not to the point he can't function anymore. At my mother's funeral last month? He got up and spoke. He has also preached at church. He works in the environmental aspects, and has had to do many presentations, Thesis, etc. He said there is always aspects of that part of him there, but now he finds a balance between the two. It was hard work, but worth every minute of down right agony that he had to endure.

He now is successful, and is in demand in both government and private firms. lol he will ask for Ketchup now - or give his order without going under the table...but still shy.

Your husband needs to work on his biggest bottleneck (or fear if you will), and he will be able to do anything he wants after that.

 

[DZoolander]

I work in web - and if that's what he wants to get into - my advice is to narrow his focus on what he wants to do. Far too many people in this industry try to be a jack of all trades (meaning - doing both the artistic and functional aspects) - and it never works out well (IMHO). Rather - it's far better to focus on one area - but have a decent working knowledge of the other.

That being said - he will basically have one of three options to choose from.

1: Be a bottom feeder (meaning - sell his services at really discounted rates in the hopes of dredging up business) - but that business model sucks for a variety of reasons. Some are obvious - some aren't. The biggest one that is counter-intuitive is that people that have no money to spend are the biggest pains as clients - because they're emotionally vested into every dollar they spend. The more a client pays you - the less aggravation they are (in general).
2: Work for someone else as part of a team. This, however, might cause problems if he doesn't like being around other people.
3: Open up his own agency - which is problematic due to the lack of decent capable people out there. Odds are, he'd get far more into the sales side than he probably wants to as well, unless he attaches himself to someone worth their salt.

So - if he's envisioning web design as something that he can just sort of remove himself from the social stuff - he's misunderstanding what it is. He either will have to be involved in sales (whether it be as a bottom feeder or as part of his own agency trying to get decent clients) - or he will have to be part of a team.

Just my .02

 

[bluegreysky]

uhm,.. so whatif I, being all abouts tha social networking,
joing the Abery Collective, which is this group of entrepeneurial women in my town and through them and their events market my hubby's business and round up clients FOR him and he just has to do all the work?

 

[HannahT]

Blue - he will still have to work with clients. There is NO way around it.

He needs to work on his fear, and it won't be easy. I could NEVER imagine my brother doing what he does today, but he does. Overcoming is just part of life.

There will be times in life you can't stand in for him. He must learn to live - and deal with life again. Don't enable him. Encourage him.

 

[DZoolander]

What Hannah said is right - because one of the biggest problems companies have is account executives that don't know what the heck they're talking about. So - unless you're prepared to get into the nitty gritty of how stuff works on web - you won't be capable of answering pointed questions without him there.

 

[Shane R]

I empathize with you. I too am frozen out of large sections of the job market because of unrealistic employer expectations and hiring criteria. It really steams me when I apply for a job and am A) never contacted or B) interviewed and rejected and then a month later I search again and the same job is still open.

And like your husband I am a veteran having a tough time reintegrating, though not a PTSD sufferer. I am subsisting on VA stipends and little jobs I find to do while my wife supplies most of the household income.

Perhaps we should pray for each other.

 

[DZoolander]

For example - let's say you had a halfway informed client who said to you...

"I'm thinking about doing a site that utilizes the mobile-first approach using some sort of front end framework like bootstrap - but I'm wondering how that will work with a content management system like Drupal - and I'd like to host that on my .NET box" - would you know how to address a question like that?

...or...

"We'd like an e-commerce site - but don't want to get involved with some payment processor like Paypal. Rather - we'd like to have a self hosted cart. What's involved with that?" (which then brings into it issues like PCI compliance, finding a payment gateway, working with their API, getting the SSL layer installed, blah blah blah) - if that all is completely foreign to you then you're not going to be an effective sales person.

...or else you will be treading very very dangerously.

 

[bluegreysky]

Perhaps we should pray for each other.

YES.

 

[bluegreysky]

For example - let's say you had a halfway informed client who said to you...

"I'm thinking about doing a site that utilizes the mobile-first approach using some sort of front end framework like bootstrap - but I'm wondering how that will work with a content management system like Drupal - and I'd like to host that on my .NET box" - would you know how to address a question like that?

...or...

"We'd like an e-commerce site - but don't want to get involved with some payment processor like Paypal. Rather - we'd like to have a self hosted cart. What's involved with that?" (which then brings into it issues like PCI compliance, finding a payment gateway, working with their API, getting the SSL layer installed, blah blah blah) - if that all is completely foreign to you then you're not going to be an effective sales person.

...or else you will be treading very very dangerously.

UHHH...... *HEAD EXPLODES*

 

[mkgal1]

What should I be praying for then?
Hubby to overcome his fear and tackle the career world?
Hubby to launch a business without a hitch?
Or myself to find a "better" job soon?
Or a trifecta of all 3?

IMO.....praying for your hubby's fear to not hold him back (or even cripple him) would always be in order. He'll have two years to work with counselors on that---right? Haven't you already seem improvements?

As far as the rest---I think this verse applies:

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.~James 1:5-6

Something else to keep in mind (something that's REALLY difficult for me, most of the time) is that God rarely gives us a clear idea of where we're going all at once (a long range plan). What I mean is---look at the Israelites when they were being led out of Egypt into the Promised Land; their journey was day by day. Most of the time it comes down to, "What am I supposed to do TODAY?"

 

[bluegreysky]

Tru

 

[.chrys.]

He may wish to consider a career in Actuarial Science. It's lucrative. It involves a lot of math and limited interaction with clients.

 

[akmom]

I've known three different people who were extremely reclusive and socially inept, who were backed into a corner in terms of needing to join the workforce after years away from it, and they all adjusted just fine eventually. Honestly, I think it was good for all of them. People need social interaction (even if they don't like it), and I think the vast majority of human interactions are pleasant and uplifting. (Although the unpleasant ones seem to stick with you longer.)

I was a stay-at-home mom for several years, and had my share of awkward interactions when I started working. I know I had several clients that probably won't come back, because there's a learning curve and they were part of mine. But as time goes on, they're only a miniscule portion of clients I've had, and most of them have been satisfied. Honestly, what your husband will need when he joins the workforce (and he almost certainly will have human interaction on some level) is a lot of support and a "safe" place to come home to (emotionally). If you can be that stability and maybe even put your own needs on hold during that transition, I think he'll get through it just fine.

 

[Inkachu]

What should I be praying for then?
Hubby to overcome his fear and tackle the career world?
Hubby to launch a business without a hitch?
Or myself to find a "better" job soon?
Or a trifecta of all 3?

For God's will to be done. He doesn't want your husband living in this social paralysis, to where he can't adequately support himself and his family. Home businesses cost a LOT of time and money and headache to get off the ground, and you often won't turn a profit at first, either. My husband is currently getting a small home business off the ground (he is also a tech/web/IT guy) and lemme tell ya, it's been one hurdle after another, lots of time, work, being up all night, haggling with people, and lots of money. It's worth doing if you know how to do it right, but it's not easy, and it's not quick.

I would suggest that he gets into therapy specifically with the goal of overcoming his social anxieties over the next two years that he'll be in school.

Remaining a virtual hermit and allowing his PTSD to dictate his future, his career, and YOUR future as his wife... not OK, IMHO. I don't know what your plans are regarding children, but in the next two years, even if you're using BC or NFP or something, there's a decent chance that a baby might show up. How would you support yourselves and a growing family?

As Mkgal said, you don't have to figure everything out today. Just keep these things in mind, and work together to make a plan for your future. Then ask God for wisdom and guidance!

 

[bluegreysky]

He wants to get better, and he is seeing his doctor now.

I am trying to condition him to think "Accountant with a slow business startup on the side, that's more of a hobby until you have clients coming in".

We aren't going to have children. Not anytime soon at least.
And I know whether he works full time in accounting with business on the side or does all business at home, it will be long days and also nights that he can't be bothered.
And I am conditioning myself to be the good wife who feeds him, keeps his home clean, gives him backrubs and supportive talks, does the errands and doesn't pester him to do it, and most of all goes to church alone at times and doesn't guilt him for not being available for that. (because I do it now because right now he has no excuse)

 

[bluegreysky]

I know this is off topic, but... he didn't call, just surprised me by coming into my work today to bring me roses.
He is trying really hard to show me how much he loves me and do right by me,
and though I was panicking alot last week about the future, I know I need to have alot more faith in God and in my hubby to do what he has to do to take care of us. I know he wants to.
Maybe he needs extra support from doctors and such,
but I am trying since we got married (better late than never) and especially as of the last few weeks since he's revealed some anxiety and fear and doubt to me to make my mission to serve him.
I always tried, but I would do it my way.
I would do for him what I thought he needed. (like when I'd try to "push" and "coach" him)
and now I'm learning to do what he needed.
It's what one of the posters said (i forget who)- I need to make his home a sanctuary and I need to be his safety for when he is going out into the world against his own fear.
Today they were doing some work on his car and he had a VA appointment so he walked a mile and a half on a busy road.
He wouldn't normally do that. He's got hyper vigilance and he's often afraid a random person will attack him in public.
Maybe God is already working him past his fears.

 

[Inkachu]

BGS, I think your attitude is lovely.

Just don't forget that YOU deserve to feel safe, loved, and secure, too. Remember that there's a fine line between being our husbands' support, and becoming their 2nd mother. They will never grow into manhood if we become the latter. Just thoughts to bear in mind, my dear.

 

[bluegreysky]

BGS, I think your attitude is lovely.

Just don't forget that YOU deserve to feel safe, loved, and secure, too. Remember that there's a fine line between being our husbands' support, and becoming their 2nd mother. They will never grow into manhood if we become the latter. Just thoughts to bear in mind, my dear.

I know. With his condition, if he doesn't feel secure in our love and marriage, I noticed he struggles to make me feel secure in other ways.
Like he will start to stall and struggle to do what he needs to do, lik think about careers. This will in turn make me scared that I married someone who will shy away from responsibility and I will have to find a way to take care of us.
And it's not that at all.
His family always pushed him to do what they wanted him to do, mostly because they had a terrible financial situation, and sometimes he'd be falling apart and they'd still scold him for not trying harder.
I want to love him in a way that he shines and gives it 110% because he feels charged up and supported to do so, not because he's afraid he will disappoint me or that our "family" of 2 will collapse if he doesn't.

 

[Inkachu]

Be patient with yourselves; both of you! Marriage is a long business, as they say, and you don't need to figure out the rest of your lives within the first few months When in doubt, remember the old Martina McBridge song, "Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world"