Practice dates?

memoriesbymichelle · Feb 16, 2009

I think I need practice dates lol. I was married for almost 25 years, and he's been gone for 4 years so that's how long I have NOT been on a date.
What are the rules these days anyway? I don't even know. I wish there was a way to have practice dates..you know, no pressure ha ha. It's kinda like learning a new occupation I think.
So are there any major rules I should know about? Do you kiss at all on the first date? What are guys expectations at this "mature" age, if any?"
Not that I have any prospects anyways, but it is terrifyingly unfamiliar territory for me, and I like to plan ahead.

SparkyRed · Feb 16, 2009

Oh wow, I hope someone, or lots of people can help with the rules, there should be an information section somewhere on here with 'the rules', I know things must have changed in the, oh about 14 years since I last went on a date!

ido · Feb 16, 2009

I have found that dating before I was married/divorced is very much like dating now that I am divorced - fruitless and frustrating. Seriously, though - same activities...dinner, movies, mini golfing! lol, etc. The first couple of dates were awkward, but after that it wasn't so bad.

memoriesbymichelle · Feb 16, 2009

flnativegrl said:
I have found that dating before I was married/divorced is very much like dating now that I am divorced - fruitless and frustrating. Seriously, though - same activities...dinner, movies, mini golfing! lol, etc. The first couple of dates were awkward, but after that it wasn't so bad.

But! We need the RULES lol! Anyway it's been almost 30 years for me Geez that's depressing. Besides who knows if I'll ever be lucky enough to get a date Ha Ha.

hope4today · Feb 16, 2009

memoriesbymichelle said:
But! We need the RULES lol! Anyway it's been almost 30 years for me Geez that's depressing. Besides who knows if I'll ever be lucky enough to get a date Ha Ha.

I'm with you Michelle lol.....It's been almost 30 years for me too!!

I haven't got the foggiest idea what to do on a date now AND what, oh, what to wear!!

ido · Feb 16, 2009

I follow the same rules I did before. I know you're going to laugh and cite the age difference. But, honestly - do what feels right to you and to heck with the rules. I still expect a guy to pay. I expect him to open doors and be a gentleman. I expect that there will be no attempt to kiss me at the end of the first date. I think the older you are, the more you will probably find men in the same boat you're in. Maybe disarm them with that gorgeous smile of yours (that is meant for both of you ladies!) and tell them that you're hoping that dating is like riding a bike. You'll probably find that it's just as awkward and uncomfortable for them, too.

memoriesbymichelle · Feb 17, 2009

So then OK no kiss on the first date (see I FINALLY got a rule out of someone ) OK so then.....how is one supposed to know if he's into you or not or IF HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU LOL?? Guys? I need some help here

ido · Feb 17, 2009

Read the book! It's definitely not from a Christian perspective but I found the advice when I waded around the stuff that made me cringe to be very insightful and helpful.

memoriesbymichelle · Feb 18, 2009

flnativegrl said:
Read the book! It's definitely not from a Christian perspective but I found the advice when I waded around the stuff that made me cringe to be very insightful and helpful.

Ha Ha...I have read the book. But I was asking you, the dating guru how do YOU tell if he's into you or not? Does he call the next day, is there still a 2 day wait rule? Do you call him? What do you say at the end of the date if YOUR not that into HIM? lol.

ido · Feb 18, 2009

Ahh...dating guru, wow - I'm feeling pressured all of a sudden.

If he's into me, he pays attention to me and asks appropriate questions. He calls when he says he'll call. He communicates what he is thinking and feeling. Really, the book is pretty dead on. Obviously, I haven't dated anyone that was that into me or I wouldn't be single right now.

I have communicated honestly with the guys who just didn't do it for me. One guy, I had to tell that we had very different ideas of how quickly a relationship should progress and that I felt it was better not to pursue anything b/c I didn't want to feel pressured. Another guy pulled the "I fell off the face of the earth" move on me, then reappeared several months later and acted as if we had talked the week before. I told him that guys only get one chance with me and that he had ruined his one chance. He told me that I was making a mistake. I told him to consider how it would make him feel if a guy did to one of his daughters (when they were old enough to date) what he did to me. Then, there was the guy who got put off b/c I got busy with the kids and wasn't able to call him for 3-4 days. I did leave him a voicemail, but apparently he didn't get it right away and was annoyed that I hadn't actually called - I was knee-deep in baseball practices and a VM was all I had time for. *shrug* Needless to say, our priorities were different, so it was pretty mutual to let things end. I did find some stuff out afterward that would have made me disinterested anyway.

I've only dated one other guy in the last few years. I simply wasn't ready to date yet when I was dating him - and I'm pretty sure he was looking for a rebound relationship.

memoriesbymichelle · Feb 18, 2009

flnativegrl said:
Ahh...dating guru, wow - I'm feeling pressured all of a sudden.

If he's into me, he pays attention to me and asks appropriate questions. He calls when he says he'll call. He communicates what he is thinking and feeling. Really, the book is pretty dead on. Obviously, I haven't dated anyone that was that into me or I wouldn't be single right now.

I have communicated honestly with the guys who just didn't do it for me. One guy, I had to tell that we had very different ideas of how quickly a relationship should progress and that I felt it was better not to pursue anything b/c I didn't want to feel pressured. Another guy pulled the "I fell off the face of the earth" move on me, then reappeared several months later and acted as if we had talked the week before. I told him that guys only get one chance with me and that he had ruined his one chance. He told me that I was making a mistake. I told him to consider how it would make him feel if a guy did to one of his daughters (when they were old enough to date) what he did to me. Then, there was the guy who got put off b/c I got busy with the kids and wasn't able to call him for 3-4 days. I did leave him a voicemail, but apparently he didn't get it right away and was annoyed that I hadn't actually called - I was knee-deep in baseball practices and a VM was all I had time for. *shrug* Needless to say, our priorities were different, so it was pretty mutual to let things end. I did find some stuff out afterward that would have made me disinterested anyway.

I've only dated one other guy in the last few years. I simply wasn't ready to date yet when I was dating him - and I'm pretty sure he was looking for a rebound relationship.

Wow! See I told ya you were the dating guru Ha Ha . I haven't even had a date in like a billion years (give or take a few million ) BTW Thanks for the tips....makes me glad I'm not dating lol.

ido · Feb 18, 2009

hehe Yeah - I don't exactly actively seek out guys to date, either. Not that I would mind dating, but it would have to be a guy that was reeeeeaalllllllllly worth it.

memoriesbymichelle · Feb 18, 2009

I need to find someone to go on a practice date with

dayhiker · Feb 18, 2009

My last 1st date was to play 9 holes of golf.
The 1st date before that was to hike in the White Mtns.
I wanted to get togather with someone to make pickels, but that never happened!

Kiss ... when every she is ready to kiss.

Ya, I think being willing to communicate about ones live is important.

Money ... if I was rich I'd pay. But since the EX wanted half the money. I'm only interested in women that will pay their half.

I'd say just go out and to activities with a lot of guys. Don't even call them dates, if that is too much pressure. Say you want to get practice meeting strangers and improve your communication, learn to answer unexpected questions and what every else you think would help you say on a job that meets the public.

In general there are a lot of people out there that are tired of being home alone, so let them know you want to get out and do things. I like meetup.com as a way to do group activites around activities that I have an interest in.

go for it!
dayhiker

SparkyRed · Feb 19, 2009

I went to see 'he's just not that into you' at the pictures at the weekend, it was like a public service anouncemt, it was all so obvious, but a lot of us girls do that, and try to convince ourselves a guy is into us when he is not, it was very enlightening!!

memoriesbymichelle · Feb 19, 2009

SparkyRed, I saw that movie too. I thought it was kinda blasay, but I enjoyed it, and you're right we DO do that sometimes lol.

Dayhiker, thanks for the advice. I was discussing this with a friend last night, and I really don't think I want a bf, I really just need some guy friends to go do things with, but usually guys only want to be "friends" in the hopes for something more in the future.

dayhiker · Feb 19, 2009

Michelle,
Ya, finding a freind of the opposite sex is tricky for both sexs. So many women are only interested in a guy that wants to get serious that its hard to be just a friend for a guy as well.
I really do think that people should learn to be friends. But we are so afraid of married people being jealous or committing adultery that relationships with the opposite sex are out when ever we are serious let along married. So we just don't know how to be freinds with the opposite sex.
In one sense I have a freindship now, as my GF has no interest in getting married. But I can't have relationships with other women as she gets jealous and is insecure that I might be more interested in the next lady to come along.
Well, keep us uptodate on how your experiences go. If there are meetup meeetings going on in your area, I think you might find that helps you have those activities while making new freinds.

dayhiker

memoriesbymichelle · Feb 19, 2009

dayhiker said:
Michelle,
Ya, finding a freind of the opposite sex is tricky for both sexs. So many women are only interested in a guy that wants to get serious that its hard to be just a friend for a guy as well.
I really do think that people should learn to be friends. But we are so afraid of married people being jealous or committing adultery that relationships with the opposite sex are out when ever we are serious let along married. So we just don't know how to be freinds with the opposite sex.
In one sense I have a freindship now, as my GF has no interest in getting married. But I can't have relationships with other women as she gets jealous and is insecure that I might be more interested in the next lady to come along.
Well, keep us uptodate on how your experiences go. If there are meetup meeetings going on in your area, I think you might find that helps you have those activities while making new freinds.

dayhiker

See, I have experienced that as well. After my husband died, his best friend became my best friend for awhile. Before my husband died, he told me that he thought this friend would try to move in on his spot and not to let him. So before my husband died when we were all three in the room I said "Hey, Mike thinks your going to try to move in on his spot" just to put it out in the open so it never happened, cuz I knew once he died I would be vulnerable and I didn't want to be a widow statistic that ended up with my husbands friend. Plus I was never attracted to him in that way, just as a great friend, and he and I experienced my husbands death together, and that was something not many people understand. But then this woman becomes attracted to him, and she's there like ALL the time. And all my family is telling me that now that she's in the picture him and I can no longer be friends, to which I said BullSh*T. But then it became apparant that she was VERY jealous of me, even though I told her I had NO interest in my friend. I go out of my way to be HER friend too, but I eventually had to back peddle on the friendship thing, because of her. We are all still friends, but I lost my close friend, but all in all, it's OK I DO have other friends. But I never for once believed that just because I am the opposite sex, I can't be just friends with someone. But alot of people see this as a no no or a no go so.....what's a girl to do. Anyway, thanks for the reply and if I ever DO date....I'll let cha know how it goes lol.

eatenbylocusts · Feb 19, 2009

I've been back dating more than 5 years now and have stumbled on some things that are right for me. I don't want to kiss someone who's kissing other people and I don't want to start kissing too soon because it tends to escalate and fog my judgment (big time problem with me). Usually I'll write on my online profiles that there will be no kissing on first dates. If they actually read it, it takes some pressure off me.

I expect the guy to pay. I also don't want him spending a bunch of money on me so I will usually opt for the coffee date thing especially since I don't want to miss out on a meal with my kids for someone who may be gone tomorrow or next week.

As I have been through a few serious relationships now and many first dates and a few 4-6 date relationships; I am seeing how very strict dating boundaries in the early stages would be very beneficial for me. I believe it will discourage the casual dater/looking for some loving, but no commitment guys pretty quickly, and will protect my heart and allow me to make better decisions that have not been distorted by good kissing. I don't want just a Sunday attender for a husband. I want a growing Christian who is ready to be a spiritual leader. If he is looking for a godly woman then this shouldn't discourage a godly man, but if it does God can slap him upside his head later and tell him to call me back.

I want honesty and respect in every relationship whether it be the first or 20th date. If I had a good date, I'd want to hear from him the next day in email or by phone. If he's still praying about it then just an acknowledgement of having a nice time would be sufficient until he figures out whether there should be a second, but silence for a few days says you don't know how to communicate like an adult. I did overlook that with one guy. It still baffles me. He was a man seeking after God and was wonderful in person, but didn't call back for 6 days even after I sent him an email the next day thanking him for a fun evening and mentioning I'd like to see him again. he did a bit better after the 2nd and 3rd date, but nothing but an email about 2 weeks after the 4th date apologizing for being busy. I already posted about this guy elsewhere telling me he was afraid of falling into sexual sin so he needed to put some distance between us. For a 47 yr old man he really disappointed me with his lack of communication skills and he acknowledged he was being a wimp and apologized. This guy's pastor is a close friend who knows about his dating life. I can't believe between the two of them that they couldn't have at least composed an email.

One thing that I am more aware of is that men sometimes need their quiet time to think so I am not so quick to jump on the "he's just not that in to you" mentality. If it's a constant thing and not a time of crisis in his life though, that would be telling me something. But, men who have taken time to learn about women know that the silence can be difficult and try to minimize it. I so apprectiate that.

I have never told a guy on a first date that I wasn't going to see him anymore. I usually have a few things I need to think about. But, if he is calling and trying to set up a second or just calling and texting soon after that date, I will let him know asap if I've decided not to see him again. Even if he's posted 10 year old pics on his profile, I still find this hard to do and try to be as kind as possible. I hate it when guys just go silent. It says immature and disrespectful so loudly to me. Since when do manners become obsolete just because you met on the internet?

memoriesbymichelle · Feb 19, 2009

EBL thanks for your insight. . I chuckled about the last part, about having manners? There's another rule . I think for men, it's just easier to NOT communicate. Like they are afraid you are going to break down and cry or something, but online, they wouldn't know anyway, so there's no excuse. And just because men get older (and women too) doesn't necessarily mean they get wiser

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