Possible Triggers. Praying After Rape. Help, Suggestions, or Similar Issues?

[meredithraven]

I was raped four times. Once in 2007 by a girl, then once in 2011 and twice in 2012 by the same man. Since the first time, I have had episodes. The first one, I just felt numb, like I couldn't speak or move, this happened around winter 2010. The second one, I felt like everything in my room was staring at me in judgement, so I flipped every single thing over, then curled up in a ball and rocked back and forth in the center of my room, this was in spring of 2011. Since I was brutalized by this man, in 2011/2012, I have only had one episode, but it was terrifying, and happened about a week ago. I went into a completely different state of being. I did scary things. I thought my family was trying to kill me. I bit my father until he bled, I threw a pair of scissors at him, hit him over the head with a chair, and poured rubbing alcohol onto him. I am so ashamed and confused and scared of myself. I go into trances, I am not myself.
I don't want this "other person" living in me. But when I go to pray on it, I cannot. My heart is filled with evil whenever I try. Evil wishes upon those who have abused me, evil towards all those who did not protect me, and it is not possible for me to pray with all this evil in my soul.
Does anyone have similar problems or suggestions on how to pray this hate out of me? And how to learn to forgive my abusers?

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

I would recommend that you consider getting professional help to work through what has happened to you. Also, you might look for a support group in your area for those who have been raped.

I'm sorry you've experienced such horrific violences against you. No one should have to deal with that.