Porn affecting relationship

[sillywalker]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. We have been through a whole lot together and he is the first person i have ever loved. I told myself what i wanted out of our relationship when it started. I wanted us to be a happy christian couple who could talk about God and our problems and just love each other. We haven't been the best christians and I feel guilty about it. I was not aware of his porn addiction problem until about a year and a half into our relationship. The first time i found it, i was deeply hurt and i felt deceived and he denied the fact that he was even watching it. Of course, i didn't know what to do and i thought about it for the next few days and then confronted him about it again. He had told me he was sorry for lying but he didn't want to hurt me more. I do love him and i told him i would forgive him because i believe this is something that he can overcome with help from God. This has happened about 5 other times since then. Everytime it happens, he always says he is so sorry and he would never want to do anything that hurts me and says things along the lines of "God forgives us over and over again after we do things that he hates, but he loves us, so he forgets we ever did it and continues loving us. The bible says we should try to be like God in every way and to forgive others as he has forgiven us." I feel like I cannot trust him and because I feel that way, i will occasionally check his computer, and today, I found it again. The last time i caught him, I told him it would be over. I told him tonight that he needs to pray about what he really needs to do and decide if he would rather look at girls on the internet than have a girl that really loves him and cares him. He says things like "love is patient and keeps no record of wrongs." It seems like every time we have this conversation about this topic, i am the one who always ends up feeling guilty. i want to forgive and be christlike, but I dont think I can handle feeling this hurt again. I want this relationship to be saved. Help.

 

[chris320]

We haven't been the best christians and I feel guilty about it. I was not aware of his porn addiction problem until about a year and a half into our relationship. The first time i found it, i was deeply hurt and i felt deceived and he denied the fact that he was even watching it

Make sure you are both living right first. If you two are compromising in any way with premarital sex, he is going to continue to have a problem with this area. Any issues he has with masturbation have to be dealt with, as well. Compromising in one area leads to compromising in other areas. Aside from that, he needs to get an ISP that automatically filters porno for him. He also will probably need to develop a consistent time of Bible reading and prayer (I recommend praying in tongues).

This is a very personal area, and in order to overcome it he will have to want to do it and see a reason to do it. The problem I noticed in reading your comments is that at this time it does not appear that he sees a reason to.

-Chris320

 

[JillLars]

It almost seems as if he is disregarding your feelings by simply telling you to forgive and forget. Unfortunately he still has not kicked this habit. Let him know that it is adversely affecting your relationship, let him know that you can't trust him, and if you don't have trust then there really isn't much to a relationship. Encourage him to join this website and talk to other men in the pornography addicition support group section. I would avoid looking on his computer for things, because if you want to find it you probably will, it could have been from a long time ago, browsers tend to store stuff for quite some time. Encourage him to be honest with you about it, and in turn, don't get angry and threaten him, this will only cause him to avoid telling you things, but do let him know in a calm manner that you are hurt, and you want to have a Godly relationship and that this problem needs to be taken care of. If he refuses to take care of it, or makes excuses when he admits it to you, then I would advise you to break up with him. I hope that everything works out for the both of you, and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[stephen1964]

I admit that I had a similar problem myself and was able to overcome it with God's help. If your boyfriend is truly sorry and wants to change, an excellent online course to free men of addiction to pornography can be found at: www.settingcaptivesfree.com. Also I found the book "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Arterburn, Fred Stoeker and Mike Yorkey to be very helpful. I hope that your boyfriend is able to overcome this addiction and that God will bless your relationship.

 

[GirlForChrist]

I know and understand what you're dealing with, I've dealt with it in my relationship too. Over time its gotten better and the viewing has totally stoped. But you shouldn't allow him to keep hurt you and hurting you like this.

I let it happen to me 2 times and after the second I told my b/f that if he did it again, he could have those girls and not me.

 

[Job24]

I am not saying that looking at pornography is right and as a christian I believe any person should not look at it. BUT, I think you are taking it personally when you shouldnt. I think that guys use pornography to relieve themselves. I dont think that because they do that sort of thing, it does not mean it doesnt love you.... Men are just wired differently than woman and frankly I know what he is going thru.. but my wife does not think I am cheating on her or think any less of my love for her... Guys just do that sort of thing from time to time and it is not meant to hurt you

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

He's not respecting you by doing that. Every person deserves respect in a relationship. Honestly, I feel as though if he continues to do this, then you should break up with him. By telling him "stop or I'm leaving" and not leaving, you're showing him that he can get away with it, that you really won' leave him. Doing that may give him the kick in the pants he needs to straighten out his act. If he doesn't stop after that, then you should try to find someone who really does respect and care about you. The Bible does say forgive and forget. But he's using it as an excuse to get away with hurting you. You can walk away from the relationship and still forgive and forget. Remind him of that.

In his defense, it's hard to stop looking. I know. But he has to give a consious effort to try, and from the sound of your post, he's not. If you think he's really trying, then try to help him. But if he's not willingly, really trying, then you shouldn't have to deal with that.

I don't mean leave him for just looking at porn, but he shouldn't be hiding it from you or lying to you about it. There shouldn't be secrets like that in a relationship. You should explain to him how much it's hurting you and he REALLY has to make efforts to stop.

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

I am not saying that looking at pornography is right and as a christian I believe any person should not look at it. BUT, I think you are taking it personally when you shouldnt. I think that guys use pornography to relieve themselves. I dont think that because they do that sort of thing, it does not mean it doesnt love you.... Men are just wired differently than woman and frankly I know what he is going thru.. but my wife does not think I am cheating on her or think any less of my love for her... Guys just do that sort of thing from time to time and it is not meant to hurt you

Since you're not a girl, I don't think you'd understand as much, but I'll try to explain.

It's very, very hard not to take it personally. Society is telling women to have a thin waist, large breasts, perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect nails etc... For me, I don't fit into what society thinks beauty is. Boyfriends looking at porn, it's like saying "Yeah, I like your personality, but I don't like everything about the way you look, so I'll go look at her instead". That may not be what they mean, but that's the way that a lot of girls feel. I don't want my boyfriend going and looking at porn and other women to "relieve" himself. I want him to look at me and feel attracted to my looks. I want him to be sexually attracted to me. I want to know that I make him completely happy with the way I am. Some women aren't like this. But a lot are and I think guys should realize that.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

The fact is that it DOES hurt. It doesn't matter that we didn't mean to hurt them.
I agree with GFC. You're worth more than the girls on the computer monitor. If he chooses to believe differently then he can have the girls on the monitor while you drop kick him out the door.
Maybe losing you will make him take the issue seriously.
There is no reason to put up with something that hurts you. There is no reason for you to put up with this.

 

[sillywalker]

thanks to all of you for all of your insight on this subject. last night i told him it was off for a while until we both get things straight. i need a lot of time to think about this situation. last night he was saying things like "i know you are right for me and i know i want to be with you forever." i told him to think about that for a week or two and decide if he wants me or a computer screen. he kept quoting more forgiveness passages and said things like "i can't believe that you cant see past this one thing and that its affecting our relationship this way." its the fact that he tells me he doesnt do it and then i find it and his computer says what day you look at what sites, so i know when he looks at it. i just want us to be open and honest. i feel like he does everything behind my back. he is not the type that would try to get help or tell anyone he has a problem. he doesnt even really go to church anymore. it hurts me a lot to see what he would rather look at. i have been seeing less and less of him recently because he doesnt make a single effort to see me. i feel a lot better after talking about this. i will be doing a lot of praying this week. thanks for all the comments, it really helps to talk about these things.

 

[Kelly]

He can ask for your (and God's) forgiveness all day long but until he makes a real effort to defeat this temptation he will never change. I think he is abusing scripture in his efforts to keep you and still watch his pr0n. You are doing the right thing, imho.

 

[LadyBird]

I PM'ed you.

 

[desi]

He will probably do it on and off for the rest of his life. You have to decide if you can live with it and (or) ignore it, is it a deal breaker? If you can't live with it you are probably wasting your time with this fellow. Don't count on him changing.

 

[BAChristian]

...and still watch his pr0n.

Pr0n...LOL...gotta love the h4x0r talk...

Yeah, I believe that pornography is definitely wrong. I'll pray for ya sillywalker...