Please tell me if I'm wrong

@Link - Take it as you want.
@Helpme22 - You need to be discerning about advice, especially from the men here. Some come from a church culture that teaches a form of doctrine that is not correct, but would leave you with no recourse as a wife-having you be silent, hoping against hope your husband will change. Of course that is what we all pray for, and I know you are, too.

I will never tell someone to leave someone unless they are physically abusing them. Reason being is, as much as I've been through on the mental issues of things, I just think anything can be worked through and divorce is to easy in my eyes. I married my husband for better or worse. Sounds like you are living what might be your worse. But then again it could always be worse, is he cheating on you? Doesn't sound like it.

I hope this doesn't come off to harsh, but maybe you should stop enabling him all together. Tell him like my husband had to tell me "I can't keep doing all this on my own, I need you to get a job." if he has a job, maybe push him to get a better job? Books are a hit and miss. If you do not feel comfortable with the erotic writing, than maybe you shouldn't do that and tell him and if he has a problem with it, tell him to find another means of making money. He can't force you to do something you don't wanna do.

Helpme22 said:

Well I told him today that I didn't feel good about writing the erotica. He said "it's up to you.. But if you don't do that and chose to tone in down... You should work on publishing the other 2 books". So he understood what I requested... BUT now he wants me to write 2 more books to make up for the financial downfall that it will cause.

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Does he realize the odds of getting a book published are low? The odds of making money on it are low, too. Even with the erotica, the Internet is full of all kinds of free stuff, and people could probably search and find whatever kind of erotica he was wanting you to write for free.

I'm just tired. Here's the deal. He's a decent father (on good days). He's attractive (won't initiate sex and probably deep into masturbation addiction). He's good looking.. Cooks .. Etc.

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Have you talked to him about your suspicions regarding the masturbation addiction? Have you told him you expect him to initiate sex, and think it's strange that he's not?

I don't get the married man with a willing wife wanting to touch instead.

But he won't help me provide for our family in our time of need. He is using me as a cash cow and I can't take it anymore.

I'm ready to leave. Divorce. And find a man who is a MAN. A provider who will help me juggle life. Someone who wants to be there to defend me and care for me.

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I understand why you would be upset. But this isn't the kind of thing you would want to spring on him all at once-- too late, I'm finding someone else. If he realized what you were thinking, he might decided to make some changes.

Also, if you are Catholic, if I am not mistaken, you can't divorce him and marry another man and take communion the the Roman Catholic Church. The Bible says, but if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband.

Helpme22 said:

I'm just tired. Here's the deal. He's a decent father (on good days). He's attractive (won't initiate sex and probably deep into masturbation addiction). He's good looking.. Cooks .. Etc.

But he won't help me provide for our family in our time of need. He is using me as a cash cow and I can't take it anymore.

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Did you tell him this?

Helpme22 said:

When I don't respond (as coached by therapist)

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Your therapist is helping you not to get pulled into the cycle.

Between his armtwisting you to write erotica and his repetitive stress injury (related to masturbating!?!)... oye... Sounds like an addiction to me.

My husband had some addictive behavior. I had to get to the point of really untangling myself from him emotionally, which is referred to as "detachment".

Reading the advice above, I seriously doubt you will be able to get him to step up by asking, requesting, reasoning, forcing, etc. It's not that simple with an addict. His addictive cycle feeds off the chaos and insecurity- it gives him excuses and self-justification to "drown his sorrows".

The healthiest thing for your marriage and the most helpful thing you can do for your husband is for you to find serenity and peace. And that will come not through money but through God.

Occurs to me that you can unilaterally scale back so that you can live on your income without the erotica, and with only the amount of work you can handle (ie no extra books if that is too much for you). Whatever way the marriage goes, this would be a good step that you can start today.

Helpme22 said:

I haven't told him this ... As of this week. But yes I've told him this gently...several times. It's been the theme in our problems and couples therapy.

I am "venting" here... I obviously would cushion what I said to him.

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Just as an aside, many women tend to 'cushion' what they say so much that their man has no idea that they are saying anything at all. We don't want to be 'mean' or 'nasty', so we tiptoe around what we really want to express and hope he gets the hint...and he never does.

But it gets to the point where it actually seems kinder to break up the family and bail out on him then to just tell the plain truth. Crazy, right?

He doesn't tiptoe with you (though perhaps he should a bit, lol), so don't tiptoe with him. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Be honest, and be ready to forgive an honest response from him.

God be with you.

Helpme22 said:

I totally understand what you are saying. The problem is I also believe I'm paralyzed by fear of being alone.

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You can't really change anything then. He knows you won't leave, and as long as you take such good care of him, he won't leave either.

He has no incentive to change the dynamic of your marriage. He's got a good thing going for him. If you want change, you have to foster it, but you can't just go halfway and then fall back into the same pattern. You have to take it all the way. (Like with the texting that your therapist was talking about - if you say that you will never answer a certain kind of text, then you must never answer that kind of text - ever.)

Is there a chance that he will get so uncomfortable that he'll leave? Yes.

But your other options are A: live the same way till death do us part or B: walk out without ever knowing if you could have made it work.

Roll the dice, girl.

I agree with the above poster.I read some where some men are not driven to change because their wife is unhappy as long as things are going O.K for them.They are only driven to change when things aren't going O.K for them or their way or they are the one uncomfortable with the dynamics.

Helpme22 said:

I totally understand what you are saying. The problem is I also believe I'm paralyzed by fear of being alone.

A couple of years ago, my husband was hitting on the bed Indian style. My son was bouncing around and we had asked him to stop. He did, but bounced right into my husband. I was in the bathroom and I heard a loud scream. I came in to find our son gasping for air. I carried him out of the room and waited to see if he was OK. He was .. My husband said he got hit in the groin and his leg reflex caused it spring out and kick our son in the ribs.. So hard it knocked the wind out of him.

My husband swore it was an accident. I told my therapist about it and she said she had to report it. Well CPS came out and was worthless. My husband charmed the woman and she was on her merry way. I can't tell you how many times I sat and tried to duplicate how this could have happened the way my husband said.

Then the following month in therapy.. The therapist asked him how it happened after hearing me talk about the devastation it caused to me.

My husband told a completely different story. When I called him on it.. He said he had a "bad memory" and it wasn't "that important anyway".

We stopped couples counseling that day because I knew it was over. I had to leave him. But I didn't. I looked past it. I was too scared. I think that means there is something wrong with ME. Why couldn't I put my son first?

I haven't seen him get violent since that incident fortunately. But I do worry.

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You make it sound like it is unvirtuous to stay with your husband, and that it is virtuous to put your children before your husband? I don't think it is right for me to put my kids before my wife. We were together first. They are the product of our relationship.

You haven't mentioned your husband having a pattern of being abusive. If your son jumped on his groin, he may well have closed his eyes, and it could have given him a kind of fuzzy memory. Maybe he kicked instinctively to protect himself, but felt guilty about it. Would you want your husband to leave you if he found your son had gotten hurt when he left the room? Did he ever fall off the bed or off the couch on your watch when he was little?

It seems like you have an all-or-nothing approach to your marital problems-- like you are choosing between staying with him in this situation or else leaving him forever. Why do you have to think that way? Why don't you take the approach of working patiently with him to take over responsibility in the home? Maybe you've done that, but you can do some research into some other tactics. Some of the things you describe about your husband sound immature, but you made covenant and agreed before God to be married to this man-- who has his faults.

The issue you should be thinking of is not how to have a happier, stress-free life, but how to please God, and how to see God be glorified in your marriage. How much time, effort, and energy do you put into interceding for your husband? Have you brought these concerns about your husband's lack of taking the responsibility for the family on his shoulders up to the Lord? Do you pray consistently about them, in faith, expecting the Lord to work? Do you pray for grace to endure some of these things? Are you able to forgive him and live without bitterness over these things?

You've got this financial issue. It sounds like he doesn't want to take over the responsibility for it. You can frame the conversation this way, you'd like him to figure out the solution, and ask him to look over the numbers. If he wants you to figure it out, your solution is X. X could be getting into a cheaper house.

Hitting a man like this with a divorce with no chance of reconciliation is going to really blindside him. The real issue is whether that is pleasing to the Lord. I don't see where the Bible supports the idea that it is, and nor would the teachings of your church as I understand them.

cactusrose said:

I agree with the above poster.I read some where some men are not driven to change because their wife is unhappy as long as things are going O.K for them.They are only driven to change when things aren't going O.K for them or their way or they are the one uncomfortable with the dynamics.

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From a man's perspective, if your wife says she is unhappy, you have to take it with a grain of salt. One week, she appreciates the fact that you love her so much, she feels so in love, and she thinks you should teach a church class to young men on how to be a good husband. The next week, she has a bad case of PMS, and she doesn't feel loved, doesn't know if she has feelings for you, and thinks you need marriage counseling. Fortunately, it's not that up and down in my house every month, but it can happen.

Women's moods are a mystery to us guys. If a wife is crabby all the time, well she's just crabby all the time, and you wish you had that woman you married back. When she explains what is going on when she's in a bad mood she can share can be a bunch of emotional talk that doesn't seem to fairly portray what is going on in real life from the man's perspective.

If you read blogs and posts from men whose wives have decided they were unhaaaaaapy, and wanted to get a divorce, the men were often blindsided. Their wives were upset at them either for some silly reason, or for some undiscernable reasons, and stayed that way for a long time, and decided to bail.


If she wants to communicate to him, she'll have to lay off on the feelings talk somewhat, IMO. Explain issues related to workload around the house-- his actions in dumping stuff like doggy problems on her while she's at work through his text messages, how he insists on living above their means and doesn't want to have a workable plan, and asks her to work more hours than he does to support their living above their means, in spite of their huge income. Focus on specific behaviors.

IMO, it's foolish to go all the way to divorce for irreconcilable differences, offering no hope of reconciliation, over a problem like this when there are less drastic measures that could get results. Not to mention the concern of sinning against God.

From a man's perspective, if your wife says she is unhappy, you have to take it with a grain of salt. One week, she appreciates the fact that you love her so much, she feels so in love, and she thinks you should teach a church class to young men on how to be a good husband. The next week, she has a bad case of PMS, and she doesn't feel loved, doesn't know if she has feelings for you, and thinks you need marriage counseling. Fortunately, it's not that up and down in my house every month, but it can happen.

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Understand .Same as some women are married to men who are bi/polar with severe mood swings I wasn't referring to drastic upswings and downswings on the wife's part.I mean when it not a hormonal or of chemical imbalance but a long term issue a wife is unhappy about the husband and she consistently try's to tell him of her unhappiness he tends to ignore until hes made to be uncomfortable.

Just to clarify.I wasn't referring to medical causes for the discontent on the wife's part.

LinkH said:

From a man's perspective, if your wife says she is unhappy, you have to take it with a grain of salt.

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If this is what you believe, I am sorry for your wife.

One week, she appreciates the fact that you love her so much, she feels so in love, and she thinks you should teach a church class to young men on how to be a good husband. The next week, she has a bad case of PMS, and she doesn't feel loved, doesn't know if she has feelings for you, and thinks you need marriage counseling. Fortunately, it's not that up and down in my house every month, but it can happen.

Women's moods are a mystery to us guys. If a wife is crabby all the time, well she's just crabby all the time, and you wish you had that woman you married back. When she explains what is going on when she's in a bad mood she can share can be a bunch of emotional talk that doesn't seem to fairly portray what is going on in real life from the man's perspective.

If you read blogs and posts from men whose wives have decided they were unhaaaaaapy, and wanted to get a divorce, the men were often blindsided. Their wives were upset at them either for some silly reason, or for some undiscernable reasons, and stayed that way for a long time, and decided to bail.

If she wants to communicate to him, she'll have to lay off on the feelings talk somewhat, IMO. Explain issues related to workload around the house-- his actions in dumping stuff like doggy problems on her while she's at work through his text messages, how he insists on living above their means and doesn't want to have a workable plan, and asks her to work more hours than he does to support their living above their means, in spite of their huge income. Focus on specific behaviors.

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Who are these woman you are talking of, if it is not your wife? In what circumstances have you experienced this, or is it just gossip of what some men say about their wives? If both parties are not present, should this even be discussed here? After all, we don't KNOW both sides of the story in these circumstanes you present.

LinkH said:

You make it sound like it is unvirtuous to stay with your husband, and that it is virtuous to put your children before your husband? I don't think it is right for me to put my kids before my wife. We were together first. They are the product of our relationship.

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Where one spouse acts cruelly towards the child, the child must come first. This is enshrined in the law of the land, which we must obey, because we are not outside the law, and is also in the decency and love and protection we should give to our children.

Someone mentioned a previous thread so I looked it up.

Helpme22 said:

Then I got the 250k a year job and it only lasted 3 years. We spent all of the money and I got transferred to another job that paid about 175k. Instead of him keeping his job until HE found one in our new town - he quit. THen, was out of work for 7 months. During that time I nearly freaked out. I started writing ebooks on the side trying to get income. He didn't seem phased by the fact that we were soon going to be in bankruptcy. He looked for jobs but not with the passion he should have. I got him his current job and he's already threatened to quit it a few times. Now we are living pay check to paycheck. He takes our son out on the weekends so I can write -- he keeps saying that soon "you are going to hit it big and be a millionaire and buy us a big house - I just know it". So basically he has me working a full time job -- trying to be a parent and then working at night and the weekends.

I've asked him to step it up -- it doesn't happen. He says that he doesn't have the talents to have his own business etc. He is now suggesting I write erotica.

...
My problem? I'm burned out. I'm tired. I'm scared we are going to go broke. we are living paycheck to paycheck because we have so much debt. If I lose my job - we are done. My family is in another state and they don't trust me financially after they found out I was snooping on my Dad's will. So - it's just a situation where I'm scared. I want to have a protecter - a provider. Someone who loves me and will take care of me. I'm so nervous everyday that I am not going to be able to make the money necessary to keep us afloat and honestly all I want to do at this point is stay home with my son. I miss being a Mom -- I feel like I'm always stressed.

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I agree with someone who posted on the other thread that this is not an income problem but a spending problem. Look up Dave Ramsey- Financial Peace University and take the class yourself even if your husband digs in his heels... Seems to me that as the primary wage earner, you have a lot of power to change the spending habits with one little word "no".

And you might re-read your earlier thread and think about the advice there and what direction you have gone since then (apparently you were not yet writing erotica at that time). How is your husband's "solution" working out for you?

Hetta said:

Who are these woman you are talking of, if it is not your wife? In what circumstances have you experienced this, or is it just gossip of what some men say about their wives? If both parties are not present, should this even be discussed here? After all, we don't KNOW both sides of the story in these circumstanes you present.

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I'm not talking about any specific person. If I were, and naming names, it might be gossip. If that's gossip though, how could we be giving this advice to Helpme without gossipping, since we are addressing her husband's situation. He isn't even here.

I'm not talking about my wife. My wife has gone through major PMS or post-partum stuff where she doesn't have the same feelings for me as normal. So, yes, I can say a husband has to keep in mind that feelings can go up in down in mind if his wife says she is unhappy, especially if it is a one-off thing. Men's emotions go up and down, too, like the waves of the sea, but women's emotions are like waves during a hurricane. Of course, it depends on the person. Some men may experience more emotional extremes than their wives.

If we men get used to our wives feeling great one day, and lousy the next, telling us how good we are one week, and being displeased with us the next, then, yes, we learn to take these comments with a grain of salt. You have to to get an overall picture of what's going on.

Sometimes you can do what's right and people in your own family may not be too happy about it. There are higher goals than temporary happiness to consider. I've got to make myself do things that don't make me that happy sometimes, too.

The Bible says to be content with such things as ye have. A lot of people are looking for 'greener grass' somewhere else. Our emotional issues aren't always our spouse's fault. We need to learn to find peace and contentment in the Lord.

But, no, my wife has never blindsided me or divorced me like I was writing about. She's been a faithful wife and has stuck by my side. I can relate to the idea of a man being blindsided by a wife wanting a divorce even though she said she wasn't happy at some point in the past, though. There are an awful lot of people who decide to get divorced based on their feelings without any good Biblical reasons, both men and women. Jeremiah mentioned the wife who treacherously departs from her husband, and Malachi talked about husbands who treacherously divorced their wives. We live in a treacherous society.

Hetta said:

Where one spouse acts cruelly towards the child, the child must come first. This is enshrined in the law of the land, which we must obey, because we are not outside the law, and is also in the decency and love and protection we should give to our children.

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I was speaking in general of the attitude of putting our kids before our spouse. I don't think that's a good mindset, and I don't think it is healthy for the kids.

This sounds like a one-off things when she was out of the room. She doesn't seem to think her child is in danger, and the CPS person took it that way. If I were a husband in the same situation, I'd hate it for my wife to have a list of grievances with that thing on it.