I've never, ever asked for prayer for myself before.
When I pray at home, I never feel right praying for myself unless it is to give thanks, or to ask for strength in helping others.
This week however, and for the coming months, I need some thoughts and prayers from the wonderful community of Christians here at CF
As some of you know, my family is not the most stable, and Christmas is a very stressful time for me.
/me
before she has even begun to type her story...
In the past few years, I have begun to dread Christmas, and I always lose weight and become upset more easily around Christmas time.
My parents have always been very strict, and have unattainable high standards which I am constantly punished for failing to achieve. My mum especially, is very unkind, and makes me feel guilty for a lot of things - my job, my friends, my income, my good life, etc... She used to be very violent but she hasn't hurt me now since 2 Christmasses ago.
Despite this, I love my family dearly. I have tried (since the age of 14) to love them in return for their actions, to dispel the fear and anger. And it works! Not all the time, but things have been better since I realised that love was the answer.
4 Christmasses ago, there was a family argument with which I was not involved, but which culminated in my brother and I being taken to the train station on 23rd december, and forced to buy tickets to our respective homes. (My home was 400 miles north, my brother's 100 miles south) It was late at night and the train didn't go all the way, so I had to sleep on the ground at the station half-way there, and catch the train in the morning, then spend Christmas alone.
The following year, I was determined to forgive my parents, so I called them and suggested times I might be able to visit . My mum asked me why I wanted to visit and said she didn't want to see me. Rather than spend Christmas alone again, I worked 6 days in the hospital without pay. Suffice to say the fellowship, support and company at work were wonderful.
2 Christmasses ago, my gran arranged our extended family to stay in a hotel. This was good, because my parents are kind to me when there are other people about. The night before we left, however, there was upset because my mum said I was thin, and I said I was fatter than her (she's been anorexic since she was a child). I ended up with some horrible bruises on my face and both arms, which I had to lie about until they faded, it was horrible lying to family, friends and colleagues who were obviously concerned.
/me is sorry for waffling
This year, my beloved and his family have invited me for Christmas. Me and he have had a rough time earlier this year and (with GOd's love) come out stronger. His family are a strict but very loving Christian family, and I would LOVE to spend Christmas with them... in fact, I've accepted, and they're very happy to have me.
My family, however, want to pretend that nothing is wrong, and that we are a happy family, and to spend Christmas together.
I realise that I've been pretending this too, for too long. My loving and accepting of my parents helps to ease pain, but it does not take away the changes which happen to me through fear. I've decided that for my own safety and sanity, I need to think of myself.
I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel racked with guilt, and I'm terrified of telling my family that I'll be with Phil instead of them over Christmas. I worry I may have ruined it for them, in order to feel safe myself.
Please spare me a small thought, for my strength in standing up for myself; for my health and sanity over the Christmas period, and for the happiness of my family, and ease of their strife, worries and fears, as they work through their own problems.
Thank you all so much
When I pray at home, I never feel right praying for myself unless it is to give thanks, or to ask for strength in helping others.
This week however, and for the coming months, I need some thoughts and prayers from the wonderful community of Christians here at CF
As some of you know, my family is not the most stable, and Christmas is a very stressful time for me.
/me
before she has even begun to type her story...In the past few years, I have begun to dread Christmas, and I always lose weight and become upset more easily around Christmas time.
My parents have always been very strict, and have unattainable high standards which I am constantly punished for failing to achieve. My mum especially, is very unkind, and makes me feel guilty for a lot of things - my job, my friends, my income, my good life, etc... She used to be very violent but she hasn't hurt me now since 2 Christmasses ago.
Despite this, I love my family dearly. I have tried (since the age of 14) to love them in return for their actions, to dispel the fear and anger. And it works! Not all the time, but things have been better since I realised that love was the answer.
4 Christmasses ago, there was a family argument with which I was not involved, but which culminated in my brother and I being taken to the train station on 23rd december, and forced to buy tickets to our respective homes. (My home was 400 miles north, my brother's 100 miles south) It was late at night and the train didn't go all the way, so I had to sleep on the ground at the station half-way there, and catch the train in the morning, then spend Christmas alone.
The following year, I was determined to forgive my parents, so I called them and suggested times I might be able to visit . My mum asked me why I wanted to visit and said she didn't want to see me. Rather than spend Christmas alone again, I worked 6 days in the hospital without pay. Suffice to say the fellowship, support and company at work were wonderful.
2 Christmasses ago, my gran arranged our extended family to stay in a hotel. This was good, because my parents are kind to me when there are other people about. The night before we left, however, there was upset because my mum said I was thin, and I said I was fatter than her (she's been anorexic since she was a child). I ended up with some horrible bruises on my face and both arms, which I had to lie about until they faded, it was horrible lying to family, friends and colleagues who were obviously concerned.
/me is sorry for waffling
This year, my beloved and his family have invited me for Christmas. Me and he have had a rough time earlier this year and (with GOd's love) come out stronger. His family are a strict but very loving Christian family, and I would LOVE to spend Christmas with them... in fact, I've accepted, and they're very happy to have me.
My family, however, want to pretend that nothing is wrong, and that we are a happy family, and to spend Christmas together.
I realise that I've been pretending this too, for too long. My loving and accepting of my parents helps to ease pain, but it does not take away the changes which happen to me through fear. I've decided that for my own safety and sanity, I need to think of myself.
I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel racked with guilt, and I'm terrified of telling my family that I'll be with Phil instead of them over Christmas. I worry I may have ruined it for them, in order to feel safe myself.
Please spare me a small thought, for my strength in standing up for myself; for my health and sanity over the Christmas period, and for the happiness of my family, and ease of their strife, worries and fears, as they work through their own problems.
Thank you all so much
