Please pray

RachelZ · Oct 4, 2008

Hi...hope everyone's doing OK. Would really appreciate some prayer...went out for a meal last night with hubby and little one and something happened that got my anxiety and thinking going. Determined to do ERP and to carry on as if everything was OK. It seemed to work at least to an extent and then wham, I suddenly had a thought and then another etc etc and was sent of into that place of fear and anxiety. Must try to continue with the ERP but it's hard. I feel like I am going to be like this forever...I feel like because it keeps happening and feels more and more like reality that proves it is and that I'm fooling myself trying to treat it with ERP. It's so exhausting being this way...to keep fighting when I'm not even sure I'm fighting the right battle. To keep trying to act as if everything is OK when inside it's not and for a lot of my life it seems it hasn't been. I will try to keep going with the ERP but today I feel a bit hopeless about it all. Sorry. Every time I have felt hope for change in the way I feel i seem to end up bitterly dissapointed...does that mean I haven't found the real solution yet or am I just doomed to be like this till heaven? When I stumbled over OCD and Pure O and en got a diagnosis it felt like I had finally found the key to unlock things...it felt like it was the explanation that made sense. Am I a fool to keep trying to believe that?

Any prayers gratefully appreciated...thanks and take care, Rachel

Jayangel81 · Oct 4, 2008

ERP is hard. But I know you can do it. Just stick with it
Will be praying for you

kaykay9.0 · Oct 4, 2008

Also, praying for you. Knowledge IS definiitely power in this thing, but it's a battle. At least that's been my experience. I am praying personally for total deliverance and/or healing from OCD. And I wish and pray that, actually, for everyone here. In the meantime...I think we just keep walking taking whatever action we feel the Lord leading us to about it. Try not to be discouraged, Rachel.

RachelZ · Oct 5, 2008

Thanks JayAngel and KayKay. Feel awful. Whenever I used to get moments of clarity I could see that what I feared wasn't true...but at the moment the opposite is happening. I don't know what to think. Thanks again, Rachel

kaykay9.0 · Oct 5, 2008

RachelZ said:
Thanks JayAngel and KayKay. Feel awful. Whenever I used to get moments of clarity I could see that what I feared wasn't true...but at the moment the opposite is happening. I don't know what to think. Thanks again, Rachel

Continuing to pray. I definitely know what you mean about moments of clarity. Sometimes we have to be "outside" an obsession to see things clearly. The deeper the obsession, sometimes the longer it takes to climb out of it back to those moments of clarity.

My pastor had a wonderful sermon on the Lord's grace this morning. In a few days, it will be on our church's website and I plan to post a link so anyone who wants to hear can listen to it.

Ariel · Oct 5, 2008

I am praying for you.

seajoy · Oct 6, 2008

RachelZ said:
Hi...hope everyone's doing OK. Would really appreciate some prayer...went out for a meal last night with hubby and little one and something happened that got my anxiety and thinking going. Determined to do ERP and to carry on as if everything was OK. It seemed to work at least to an extent and then wham, I suddenly had a thought and then another etc etc and was sent of into that place of fear and anxiety. Must try to continue with the ERP but it's hard. I feel like I am going to be like this forever...I feel like because it keeps happening and feels more and more like reality that proves it is and that I'm fooling myself trying to treat it with ERP. It's so exhausting being this way...to keep fighting when I'm not even sure I'm fighting the right battle. To keep trying to act as if everything is OK when inside it's not and for a lot of my life it seems it hasn't been. I will try to keep going with the ERP but today I feel a bit hopeless about it all. Sorry. Every time I have felt hope for change in the way I feel i seem to end up bitterly dissapointed...does that mean I haven't found the real solution yet or am I just doomed to be like this till heaven? When I stumbled over OCD and Pure O and en got a diagnosis it felt like I had finally found the key to unlock things...it felt like it was the explanation that made sense. Am I a fool to keep trying to believe that?

Any prayers gratefully appreciated...thanks and take care, Rachel

Doing ERP is really stopping the war in your head. Your just not "used" to not worrying about the thoughts. Remember, give the thoughts the old "oh well", and go on with your day....no taking it back. I think you might be doing that part. You must keep moving forward. Don't look back after the "oh well".

This takes time. Don't be hard on yourself. "Slow and steady wins the race"...my doctor used to say. And he was right.

And also....you are not in this alone. Christ is there by your side.

RachelZ · Oct 6, 2008

Thanks KayKay, Ariel and Seajoy. Still struggling...lots of anxiety and moments where I feel clarity has come which is coupled with more anxiety cos the clarity seems to be that I was wrong to try and deal with it as OCD...don't know what's the best to do. Don't know what God wants me to do. I hate this...but at least when I could feel it was OCD I had some hope...will still try and do the ERP but it's hard. I try and think "Maybe so..." and that leaves me feeling even worse. Ruminating doesn't help, but this seems to be backfiring too. Scared...very scared...Rachel

kaykay9.0 · Oct 6, 2008

Rachel, you haven't shared the specifics of what's troubling you. But I do quite imagine that if you told me, I would tell you it's OCD related.

Just remember that usually it's very easy to identify what's OCD with someone ELSE'S OCD struggles, but not easy at all to identify your own...especially in the midst of it of the storm. I feel like you are probably in an OCD storm right now.

RachelZ · Oct 6, 2008

Thanks KayKay...no I don't usually say much about it...I guess partly because I feel a bit disloyal...but basically it surrounds my relationship with my hubby. I get this crippling anxiety that I'm like this cos we're not right for each other. If he doesn't do everything in exactly the right way to make me feel OK then all too easily I go out into anxiety orbit. I get an almost unamed sense of fear and dread to do with him...and then when it lifts I can't imagine why I felt so bad...but when it hits me I fear it's the truth. It used to really help when I thought "but I'd be like this with anyone." but as time has gone on I get less and less reassurance. Sometimes I really do think my worst fears are true and so to deal with it as OCD is wrong. One week I can feel really priveleged to have him and the next I can feel horrible anxiety and fear and virtually nothing he does seems quite right. On Friday night he said something not very nice about someone and I still can't get over it. When he says something I think isn't nice I get a terrible sense of fear and kind of like nothing he does is nice. Does that make sense? Hope so...thanks for listening...take care, Rachel

Yuki Usagi · Oct 6, 2008

I don't know if this will help you or not, but there are no two people on this planet who are the least bit "right for each other." Not friends, not spouses, not parents and children or best friends.

Maybe for five minutes every few days or months, but not usually any more often than that.

I believe it's because Adam and Eve were perfect for each other and they tried to take over the Garden of Eden. Like if you have more than one dog, they will form a "pack" and try to take over the whole household.

That's why I believe the Lord put up a wall between males and females after the sin... so they would never understand each other again. He did the same thing with the languages.

At first the whole Earth used one language... but they all got together and tried to usurp God.

He's not going to allow that because the world would be in even worse shape than it is, with sinful, fallen human beings running it. It would be like two-year-olds running the world.

I also think that your husband being "not nice" is merely sharing things from his heart with you... that he probably would never say to anyone else. I pray you can love him warts and all because sorry to say this but no one is "nice" all the time, either. Not even good Christians. Not even you. If he's beating you or unfaithful, well, that's a different story.

As Watchman Nee said; "Love is blind, and if you were blind to your husband's faults before you were married, you'd better stay blind for the rest of your life."

I think that's great advice. I would like to suggest you get some of his books and read them. They will change your life and your walk with the Lord.

I will pray you can ignore this temptation or whatever it is that upsets you so, and are able to return to your original in-love type of blindness to your husband's 'faults'. I pray for your marriage to be good, for you to be able to see your husband as God sees him... and be at peace.

Hugs!

Yuki Usagi

kaykay9.0 · Oct 6, 2008

RachelZ said:
Thanks KayKay...no I don't usually say much about it...I guess partly because I feel a bit disloyal...but basically it surrounds my relationship with my hubby. I get this crippling anxiety that I'm like this cos we're not right for each other. If he doesn't do everything in exactly the right way to make me feel OK then all too easily I go out into anxiety orbit. I get an almost unamed sense of fear and dread to do with him...and then when it lifts I can't imagine why I felt so bad...but when it hits me I fear it's the truth. It used to really help when I thought "but I'd be like this with anyone." but as time has gone on I get less and less reassurance. Sometimes I really do think my worst fears are true and so to deal with it as OCD is wrong. One week I can feel really priveleged to have him and the next I can feel horrible anxiety and fear and virtually nothing he does seems quite right. On Friday night he said something not very nice about someone and I still can't get over it. When he says something I think isn't nice I get a terrible sense of fear and kind of like nothing he does is nice. Does that make sense? Hope so...thanks for listening...take care, Rachel

Well, I could be wrong, but if you mean OCD, I truly believe that being with someone else would NOT eliminate your OCD. The stuggle is internal, not external. I'm not even saying that things are perfect with your marriage. There may be some issues there. I don't know. But even assuming the worst, God is certainly able to use whatever choices we have made for His glory and good and our ultimate good.

Regarding someone else's behavior, we can only control the facet of the diamond that faces us, if that makes any sense. We can pray for someone else, but they are responsible for their own actions, behaviors, thoughts. It's also important not to try to judge their motives as it is not really possible to get inside someone else's head or heart. I would just pray for him and let the Lord do the convicting, it there's any changing that needs to be done. (I know that's easier said than done!) I think you have said in the past that you are not considering divorce....and I certainly am in agreement with that. Short of some very extreme "dealbreakers" I don't see that as a choice a Christian really has.

I'm probably not saying anything you don't already know, but these are the things I'm seeing here. I also totally agree with what Yuki said above. Some good thoughts there as well.

Continued prayers for you and him, Rachel.

RachelZ · Oct 6, 2008

Thanks Yuki and KayKay...I totally agree that no-one is perfect and I so don't want to make my husband feel unloved! When I feel OK and like I'm coping I can take differences between us and deal with them...but when I get like this I can't seem to rationalise the fear away. It's so hard to explain what is going on in my head and my emotions but suffice to say it's horrible! I know I am not perfect and should not expect someone else to be but I cannot seem to change my emotional need for things to be just right. I'm trying to live with the uncertainty and say "Well maybe you aren't right for each other and if you were with someone else or on your own you wouldn't be getting like this" but that's a really hard possiblity to try and just let be whilst I get on with my life. I might try and just get on with stuff and love my husband however I feel but my nervous system is screaming a warning to me and it's really hard to ignore.

Thanks again...I appreciate your input I really do. Take care, Rachel

kaykay9.0 · Oct 6, 2008

RachelZ said:
Thanks Yuki and KayKay...I totally agree that no-one is perfect and I so don't want to make my husband feel unloved! When I feel OK and like I'm coping I can take differences between us and deal with them...but when I get like this I can't seem to rationalise the fear away. It's so hard to explain what is going on in my head and my emotions but suffice to say it's horrible! I know I am not perfect and should not expect someone else to be but I cannot seem to change my emotional need for things to be just right. I'm trying to live with the uncertainty and say "Well maybe you aren't right for each other and if you were with someone else or on your own you wouldn't be getting like this" but that's a really hard possiblity to try and just let be whilst I get on with my life. I might try and just get on with stuff and love my husband however I feel but my nervous system is screaming a warning to me and it's really hard to ignore.

Thanks again...I appreciate your input I really do. Take care, Rachel

Well, I think you know what I'm going to say~~again, not to say that there may not be some real issues there, but I really think it's your OCD struggles doing the screaming!

Yuki Usagi · Oct 6, 2008

RachelZ said:
Thanks Yuki and KayKay...I totally agree that no-one is perfect and I so don't want to make my husband feel unloved! When I feel OK and like I'm coping I can take differences between us and deal with them...but when I get like this I can't seem to rationalise the fear away. It's so hard to explain what is going on in my head and my emotions but suffice to say it's horrible! I know I am not perfect and should not expect someone else to be but I cannot seem to change my emotional need for things to be just right. I'm trying to live with the uncertainty and say "Well maybe you aren't right for each other and if you were with someone else or on your own you wouldn't be getting like this" but that's a really hard possiblity to try and just let be whilst I get on with my life. I might try and just get on with stuff and love my husband however I feel but my nervous system is screaming a warning to me and it's really hard to ignore.

Thanks again...I appreciate your input I really do. Take care, Rachel

I do understand because I have OCD too, but... I'm hoping what I said will get down into your subconscious and help you when you're having a spike. I know it is nearly impossible to think rationally at those times--I get that way too, but things people have told me or that I've read, are still in there somewhere. Nothing is impossible for God, and the He can bring them to your remembrance when you need them most, so that's why I said them, anyway.

Now your mind has something to grab onto. Or at least reach for and maybe pull you out of it faster.

That's the most annoying thing about OCD; even when I'm thinking irrationally, I KNOW it's irrational.

The one thing that has helped me the most is having people who are "normal" tell me that lots of things I think are exclusive to me, actually happen to everybody.

Everybody gets those thoughts, but it's what we do with them that makes us different from them. And is determined by the tools we have access to and have learned to use to get through it.

We understand that it's not you, but the OCD. No judgments there. Just something to maybe help you in a hard time.

God bless you, Rachel! And of course you are in my prayers.

RachelZ · Oct 7, 2008

Thanks Yuki...yes I agree that it is good to have words of wisdom from others which will hopefully come up to the surface to help when we are in the thick of the OCD. Yes I've had my best friend help me see that a lot of what I worry about is normal stuff...it's the reaction to it that is abnormal

Thanks for your wisdom and your prayers...hope you are doing OK...take care, Rachel

RachelZ · Oct 7, 2008

Thanks Yuki...yes I agree that it is good to have words of wisdom from others which will hopefully come up to the surface to help when we are in the thick of the OCD. Yes I've had my best friend help me see that a lot of what I worry about is normal stuff...it's the reaction to it that is abnormal

Thanks for your wisdom and your prayers...hope you are doing OK...take care, Rachel

Yuki Usagi · Oct 7, 2008

It is well with my soul, (((((((Rachel))))))), thanks for asking.

I love you!

P.S.-- We'll get normal some day.

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