Most of today was allright, with the exception that I still have not contacted my lawyer. I just don't know now.
Tonight completely fell apart.
We had the women's ministry meeting. It was supposed to be a fun event with food, games, singing, signing up for roles in the ministry, and prayer. Child care was to be provided.
I became really irritated before we left because my son had said he did not want to go. My mom volunteered to watch them. When I was getting ready to walk out the door, both of my boys decided that they wanted to go. I wanted to tell them no because it was too late to get ready. My mom said, "It's so good that they want to go. You should take them with you when they want to be at church."
So, I started getting the little one ready. He was dirty from playing outside. He kept walking away to fill a bucket up with toys. I told him repeatedly that he could not take the toys. When I had him ready, and told him to come on, he ran back to his toys and started comming with them. My mom said, "He can take them and leave them in the car."
I was so miffed. I did not say anything because I knew I would not have control over my tongue and it would be really bad. I just walked to the car. My son came running with his toys and chunked them in the car.
I got irritated trying to leave because my sister parked her car in a really bad spot, and it was hard to get out.
When I arrived, the person they hired to babysit had not shown up. I was told that someone else would fill in until the lady came. I took my kids to the playroom and waited. After a while, the leader came in and told me that the sitter was not comming. She said that if I was OK with it, the kids could stay in there to play, and I could get them a plate of food when it was time to eat.
The playroom was close to the meeting room, and I could keep the top half of the door open so I could hear them. My oldest is 9, so it seemed like it might work. I chose a seat near the entrance so I could rush back there if I needed to.
When it was time to eat, really soon after the meeting started, I went to check on them and get them some food. My 4 year old had an accident in his pants, on the outside of his pants, on his shirt, on the toilet, on some toys...
I could not find any cleaner. I left them in the room again while I went to ask for help locating some. The ministry leader went to the kitchen and got me some 409 and paper towels. I went back to clean up, and when I was done, I realized I had nothing else for the child to wear.
I went to ask if I could borrow a blanket from the nursery to take him home in. They said that was fine, but encouraged me to stay with the kids anyway. I was also told by my DivorceCare leader to use a pull-up that was in the nursery. She told me that I should stay because no one would be bothered by it.
I went back to the nursery and noticed that the mess was also on a chair. I cleaned the chair. Then I noticed that my son was also still dirty in places. I tried to clean him some more, but it was not going well. I was too tense and impatient to do it well.
My 9 year old started whining really bad. He said, "Now will we get a chance to eat?"
I said, "No. We are going home. I can't get Michael clean enough, and we'll eat at home."
9 year old yelled at me, "That's not fair! You got eat."
I snapped back at him that I did not eat because I was cleaning poop. (what a wonderful thing to say in church
)
He got quiet, but he pouted and acted like he was just dying.
I told them to pick up the toys. As we worked together to do that, I found more poop. I just started crying. I cleaned more, and I let the kids loose while I picked up the rest of the toys by myself. I was in no condition to insist that they continue helping because I was on the verge of getting really ugly with them.
Then I composed myself, and thought about the situation. I decided that even if no one else minded I was too stressed to stay. I just needed to leave.
I tried to slip out quietly, but my DivorceCare leader stoped us. She was concerned. She still wanted us to stay. She asked if we got a chance to eat. I told her that we did not; we would just eat at home. She walked outside with me, looking like she was going to cry. She asked if I was still comming to the meeting tomorrow night, and I told her I would. Then she let us go.
I was making my way to the car, when the ministry leader caught me. She was apologizing profusely and offered me the check that they were going to pay the child care worker. She looked like she was about to cry, too. I accepted it without arguing. Usually I would have refused, and begged them to keep it. I just told her thank you and let her slip it in my purse for me.
I feel like a heel now because I disappointed my DivorceCare leader, and I took a check for babysitting my own kids.
You know, it's not about the missing child care worker, or the poop, or the toys, or the butting-in grandmother, or inconsiderately parked sister. This week just sucks.
I was looking forward to something that should have been nice. It ended up being heartache and work. I don't even have a husband to come home to and cry on his shoulder (not that he was anyone I could cry to, anyway). I can't go to my mom because she's more messed up than I am. I can't go to my sister because she's and 18 year old kid with graduation and a boyfriend on her mind.
Divorce sucks. Single parenthood sucks. I am very much alone, and that is not anything that is going to end soon, possibly never.
*praying for you to find the clear direction that you're seeking in this situation and may the love of the Lord pour down on you at this painful time in your life*
