- Jun 11, 2017
- 1
- 0
- 33
- Country
- Australia
- Gender
- Female
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
Hi, new member and firs time poster...
A little background: I am 25 years old. I am a Christian female who isn't heavily involved in church... but do go on the occasion and try my best to do what is right in terms of my faith.
It has officially been one year since I got out of an emotionally abusive and traumatic relationship with my first love. For the sake of this vent lets call him 'ex'.
I met ex when I was 19 years old. I was crazy in love almost from the outset. He was a bit of a player and I was naïve and thought I could fix him. He became my project, and I fell so deeply in love with this boy that no matter what he put me through... I stayed.
We progressed and grew up together, moving out together at the age of 23 because my step dad did not approve of him what so ever. So I acted out by moving out of my family home and into the arms of my compulsive lying boyfriend.
To me, he was the most perfect human on the planet, despite making me cry at least once a week due his lying or putting me second to friends or partying or anything for that matter.
The four year relationship was intense because it was either ON and crazy about one another or completely heart breaking and upsetting. It was never consistent. At four years ex promised me an engagement ring and my dream wedding. He told me that I would have a ring on my finger by the end of the year (2015). During this time, he got into partying, drug use and all that comes with those things. I decided to let him have his fun as maybe he felt he missed out on that since we met at such a young age.... This continued and actually worsened over the year as instead of saving for that ring he promised me, instead the money went on cocaine and pokie machines.
As expected, when it was NYE 2016, and I had no ring... I realised that I could no longer allow this to go on. I ended it and he was heart broken. I was too, but i had this feeling like it was the right thing to do... weeks went on and i missed him terribly. He missed me too and we decided to give it another shot (this is where i made the worst mistake of my life). Not soon after we agreed to give our relationship another shot, however just live apart. i found out he was in fact seeing another girl on the side and basically cheating on me.
I could go on..... but as you can imagine it was quite literally the ultimate betrayal and i felt so stupid for going back.
Fast forward to 6 months later and i had attempted to move on with 2 other males in a frantic panic to feel something for someone else again.... however, every time i tried. I failed. All i wanted was ex. No one else compared to him and every time i was so angry at myself for not letting him go.
I decided to stop talking to any guys what so ever and just be alone. I felt defeated and like i had missed my opportunity to be the young wife and mum i had always dreamed of.
Than out of no where i met my current boyfriend. I spoke to him with only the intentions of being his friend, but i immediately had a spark with him and couldn't resist seeing if it could be something more.
We were CRAZY about each other. I felt so much relief and so much happiness when i met him knowing i could finally feel something again. I could maybe even fall in love again!
My new guy ticked if not all, most of my boxes. He didn't party or do drugs. He was hard working, driven and tall and handsome. He wanted a family and made time for me whenever he could. He would be an amazing husband, father and provider.
He is open to church and comes with me frequently, always saying that he is open to learning about my faith because he knows how much it means to me.
It has been 8 months since i met who i thought was my prince charming.
Now this is where it gets difficult. I feel like i am literally too damaged.
He tells me he is falling in love with me and can see himself marrying me.... but for me... my emotions have gone stagnant. I love him but i am not in love right now. I don't know if i ever can be again since my ex.
I can quite physically feel the emotional block i have against the relationship. Something is wrong and i do not know what.
I sometimes still dream of my ex and sometimes even still cry over what he did to me.
If friends or family bump into him, i cant help but ask 100 questions about him.
To make matters worse, ex contacted me through social media to tell me he visits my page almost daily and was really emotional when he was on a drug fuelled bender and thinking of me. (Clearly, he only got worse in terms of the party drugs).
I blocked him and told him never to contact me again.
I know I'm not fully over that relationship from that situation occurring alone. Could this be what is blocking my emotions or ability to feel 'in love'?
My current partner knows everything, i have communicated all of this with him and he is so understanding and beautiful in the way he tells me its okay not to feel in love yet, it will take me time and he is being patient with me.
But I'm not being patient with myself because it is eating me alive. I just want to feel those strong emotions again. This guy deserves it and my ex did not. So what is going on!?!?!
I am seeing a psychologist to try and work through my past and she has said I'm very anxious and have some signs of OCD in terms of relationships and my fear of making another mistake (perfectionist mindset).
I am sick of googling what is wrong with me or why I cant feel love like i once did...
I'm sick of google telling me its because my partner just isn't 'the one' and you cant force love....
Because at the end of the day i still choose him.... I WANT him to be my future..... is that enough for love to grow or do i literally need to accept that it's just 'not meant to be' like every forum on google likes to drill into those in the 'in between'.
Kudos to anyone who actually read through all of this..... I don't even know what I'm asking here... i suppose i just needed an outlet.
Although: I have prayed about this consistently, asking for guidance and for help... and still feel confused and helpless. Why do i feel like God is ignoring me?
A little background: I am 25 years old. I am a Christian female who isn't heavily involved in church... but do go on the occasion and try my best to do what is right in terms of my faith.
It has officially been one year since I got out of an emotionally abusive and traumatic relationship with my first love. For the sake of this vent lets call him 'ex'.
I met ex when I was 19 years old. I was crazy in love almost from the outset. He was a bit of a player and I was naïve and thought I could fix him. He became my project, and I fell so deeply in love with this boy that no matter what he put me through... I stayed.
We progressed and grew up together, moving out together at the age of 23 because my step dad did not approve of him what so ever. So I acted out by moving out of my family home and into the arms of my compulsive lying boyfriend.
To me, he was the most perfect human on the planet, despite making me cry at least once a week due his lying or putting me second to friends or partying or anything for that matter.
The four year relationship was intense because it was either ON and crazy about one another or completely heart breaking and upsetting. It was never consistent. At four years ex promised me an engagement ring and my dream wedding. He told me that I would have a ring on my finger by the end of the year (2015). During this time, he got into partying, drug use and all that comes with those things. I decided to let him have his fun as maybe he felt he missed out on that since we met at such a young age.... This continued and actually worsened over the year as instead of saving for that ring he promised me, instead the money went on cocaine and pokie machines.
As expected, when it was NYE 2016, and I had no ring... I realised that I could no longer allow this to go on. I ended it and he was heart broken. I was too, but i had this feeling like it was the right thing to do... weeks went on and i missed him terribly. He missed me too and we decided to give it another shot (this is where i made the worst mistake of my life). Not soon after we agreed to give our relationship another shot, however just live apart. i found out he was in fact seeing another girl on the side and basically cheating on me.
I could go on..... but as you can imagine it was quite literally the ultimate betrayal and i felt so stupid for going back.
Fast forward to 6 months later and i had attempted to move on with 2 other males in a frantic panic to feel something for someone else again.... however, every time i tried. I failed. All i wanted was ex. No one else compared to him and every time i was so angry at myself for not letting him go.
I decided to stop talking to any guys what so ever and just be alone. I felt defeated and like i had missed my opportunity to be the young wife and mum i had always dreamed of.
Than out of no where i met my current boyfriend. I spoke to him with only the intentions of being his friend, but i immediately had a spark with him and couldn't resist seeing if it could be something more.
We were CRAZY about each other. I felt so much relief and so much happiness when i met him knowing i could finally feel something again. I could maybe even fall in love again!
My new guy ticked if not all, most of my boxes. He didn't party or do drugs. He was hard working, driven and tall and handsome. He wanted a family and made time for me whenever he could. He would be an amazing husband, father and provider.
He is open to church and comes with me frequently, always saying that he is open to learning about my faith because he knows how much it means to me.
It has been 8 months since i met who i thought was my prince charming.
Now this is where it gets difficult. I feel like i am literally too damaged.
He tells me he is falling in love with me and can see himself marrying me.... but for me... my emotions have gone stagnant. I love him but i am not in love right now. I don't know if i ever can be again since my ex.
I can quite physically feel the emotional block i have against the relationship. Something is wrong and i do not know what.
I sometimes still dream of my ex and sometimes even still cry over what he did to me.
If friends or family bump into him, i cant help but ask 100 questions about him.
To make matters worse, ex contacted me through social media to tell me he visits my page almost daily and was really emotional when he was on a drug fuelled bender and thinking of me. (Clearly, he only got worse in terms of the party drugs).
I blocked him and told him never to contact me again.
I know I'm not fully over that relationship from that situation occurring alone. Could this be what is blocking my emotions or ability to feel 'in love'?
My current partner knows everything, i have communicated all of this with him and he is so understanding and beautiful in the way he tells me its okay not to feel in love yet, it will take me time and he is being patient with me.
But I'm not being patient with myself because it is eating me alive. I just want to feel those strong emotions again. This guy deserves it and my ex did not. So what is going on!?!?!
I am seeing a psychologist to try and work through my past and she has said I'm very anxious and have some signs of OCD in terms of relationships and my fear of making another mistake (perfectionist mindset).
I am sick of googling what is wrong with me or why I cant feel love like i once did...
I'm sick of google telling me its because my partner just isn't 'the one' and you cant force love....
Because at the end of the day i still choose him.... I WANT him to be my future..... is that enough for love to grow or do i literally need to accept that it's just 'not meant to be' like every forum on google likes to drill into those in the 'in between'.
Kudos to anyone who actually read through all of this..... I don't even know what I'm asking here... i suppose i just needed an outlet.
Although: I have prayed about this consistently, asking for guidance and for help... and still feel confused and helpless. Why do i feel like God is ignoring me?
