Please Help me!!!!!

[lovinjesus31]

Hello to all,
I am in need of some serious help.I had an affair on my husband which I explained all that on another post before.I however did not ask another question that I would really like answered or given advice about.My husband has always had a problem with thinking his thingy is little(I know seems funny).Its a serious problem I think but maybe all men are like that.But any way,the thing is,ever since I had the affair,he is really obsessed with it now,everytime we are done making love(when we do)he starts talking about it.It drives me crazy!He believes thats why I had the affair because I was not sexually satisfied,I try so hard to reasure him thats not the case at ALL!! My question is,would that be normal?Does he have serious issues or what?Please give me any advice,I hope and pray some men will respond to this so I will maybe understand why he is feeling this way.
It has always been a problem for him,I tell him ALL the time I am completley satisfied sexual,it was just other things in our marriage that were a problem for me.Please respond.
God Bless You,
Thanks,
lovinjesus31

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Men have a more difficult time bouncing back after their wife has an affair. It's an ego thing, of course. If he had insecurities about his "size" before the affair, it's completely understandable for him to be really insecure about it now. It's natural, but it's also a hinderance. Have you thought about marriage counseling?

 

[okiemommy26]

My husband has insecurties about his even though i tell him he is normal and we have a healthy sexual relationship he still has his insecurties and if your husband is like mine he probably would have them worse after he found out about your affair. I mean for me it would be this way, im overweight and if my husband had an affair with a skinny woman and we got back together i would be more selfconcious about my weight, or the same with breast size or something like that. Put yourself in his shoes, if you had something smaller and he found someone with something bigger wouldnt you be more self concious.

 

[heartnsoul]

You mentioned that your husband has always had an insecurity about that. Your affair probably added to his existing insecurity. All you can do is keep reassuring him. As fluffy already mentioned, seeking counseling may be a good idea. People with insecurities have deep rooted fears and problems that need to be addressed and dealt with so healing can take place. My step father has the short-man syndrome and even now at age 75 years old, he still is very insecure about his height. He is overjealous of every man my mother talks to and is constantly negatively criticizing other men. My mother is also very insecure and is obssessed with her weight (she's only 104 lbs and afraid of gaining 5 lbs!!) and afraid of dying. Both my mother and step father never sought counseling and, as a result, they have lived in fear, depression and unhappiness for over 25 years. It's very sad. It's a real burden for the rest of us in the family who have to tolerate their "weird" behaviors.

Is your husband aware of his insecurity? If not, you may have to delicately/sensitively discuss your concerns with him and lovingly suggest that both of you go to counseling. Hopefully he will be receptive to it. I will keep you in my prayers and may God help restore your marriage.

 

[Christian ND]

I went through this before after I found out my wife had an affair. I never had a complex or even thought about it prior to the affair. I guess if a woman had considered implants in the past but decided against it could relate if her husband cheated with a woman who was actually in need of a reduction instead of implants. Unforunately, men usually wonder regardless of their size. Some men take it so personnel that they go have affairs afterwards just to prove they are adequate. I know it may sound childish but I have seen this. I have even heard of women who cheated for the opposite reason and the husband did not take it any differently. These wives complained that there husbands could not please them due to the discomfort during intercourse due to their size. Hope I am not being too graphic, just telling the truth.
It was kind of funny to read what Heart and Soul posted about her step father. My wife cheated with a much shorter guy so I still struggle with hard feelings against anyone man who is much shorter than me at 6'2''. Hope this helps.

 

[Southern Cross]

I'm going to shoot straight from the hip. Let's face it, the first questions running around in a guy's mind after an affair is, "Why did she do this?" and then followed right up by "Was he better than me?". And they don't always trust what their wives tell them because many wives don't come clean about how they really felt through the whole thing, especially if they enjoyed the sex with another man.

All guys want to be sexual athletes, it's ingrained in their behavior and in how society conditions men from a very young age. Men think they have to be good looking, in shape, a smooth talker, and yes, most men do think size matters, especially if they've been exposed to hard core pornography and compared themselves to those actors with inhuman proportions. Some women say size matters in very public places and you are barraged by enlargement pills and natural enhancement advertisements to prolong performance. So even without the affair you are battling against these things, too. All this will cause some guys with no questions about their ability to please their wives to start questioning it.

As guys get older, we realize there is less truth to much of what the world says and we find out the important stuff is being a good husband and father that loves God, but we never stop thinking about our ability to satisfy a woman. Now combine that with a wife who goes out and has sex with another man, and bingo, most guys will have a complex about something and they all wonder if the other guy was bigger and felt better or knew what he was doing.

You really need to confirm what I'm going to say next with a reputable counselor. In my opinion, it is so important for you to sit down and have a really candid talk about this with your husband. If he wants details of your affair and the other guy's sexual performance, be very, very careful. Sometimes it actually helps to admit some details, that way your husband is sure you are being honest, but you need to build your husband up at the same time.

Affairs can do a lot of permanent damage. Sometimes the issues go away for months or years, and then they rear their ugly heads again. Just be prepared to deal with it again if needed.

 

[desi]

If its little he has to learn to accept himself that way and stop bothering you with it.

 

[Redguard]

Another opinion may be that he's become so insecure with himself (sexually) since the incident that he's fishing for you to give him a compliment.

Women do this a lot. They say stuff like, "I'm so fat and ugly! Boo-hoo"

*silent pause*

And then the man clues in and says, "Oh, no, of course not honey! You're thin and beautiful!"

And then she feels great about herself.

He may just be looking for you to validate him and confirm that he's still a male sexual machine in your eyes. If this is a problem that's deserving of a post in this forum, then you may need to dish out the compliments, or ego stroking, before he starts fishing for them.

 

[psalms 91]

as a man i know that our drives are different and he needs to understand that women do it usually for closeness, communication, and for intimacy, not sexual, a lot of men do not understand this.

 

[lovinjesus31]

Hello again,
I wanted to thank each and everyone of you who responded to my problem.It some how makes me feel better but yet at the same time to read some of your responses to it,it freaks me out.To think this could contiue for years.Yes I know ALL things are possible with God but it still I think how long must this go.I must remind you that this affair has been over for 8 months now and still he cannot seem to forgive me.
Yes,I have known we need some counseling,matter of fact ever since we have been married 12 years ago but he is not to keen on it.Not sure why.He seems to not be the kind to want to admit to his mistakes in this marriage. One of you made a comment about maybe he is little to respond to that NO he is not AT ALL,he is quite perfect but you can't tell him that! Anyways,Thanks again for much needed advice and prayers,I sure need them for this marriage to become strong again.
God Bless You,
Lovinjesus31

 

[P3nguin1]

To any woman who has ever been with a man who was not your husband:


If your husband ever asks you should assure him that your husband is both the "biggest" and the "best" you have ever had. You should tell him these things with zero hesitation.

I normally believe that honesty is always the best policy, but there are some things a man really does not want to know the truth about.

Trust me on this one.

 

[lovemysoldier]

An affair is one of the most painful things that a spouse could go through. If the pain in your marriage hasn't been dealt with it will resurface later and it has based on what was written about your husband's insecurities. Be compassionate to his feelings and don't get frustrated. Your husband's problems have just as much to do with you as it does with your husband. I highly suggest that you do seek marriage and spiritual counseling. Both of you can get through this together and emerge healthy and happy but you need to support each other with open hearts.

 

[isaiah5213]

Hello again,
I wanted to thank each and everyone of you who responded to my problem.It some how makes me feel better but yet at the same time to read some of your responses to it,it freaks me out.To think this could contiue for years.Yes I know ALL things are possible with God but it still I think how long must this go.I must remind you that this affair has been over for 8 months now and still he cannot seem to forgive me.
Yes,I have known we need some counseling,matter of fact ever since we have been married 12 years ago but he is not to keen on it.Not sure why.He seems to not be the kind to want to admit to his mistakes in this marriage. One of you made a comment about maybe he is little to respond to that NO he is not AT ALL,he is quite perfect but you can't tell him that! Anyways,Thanks again for much needed advice and prayers,I sure need them for this marriage to become strong again.
God Bless You,
Lovinjesus31

i am really sorry to say this, i am sure someone has said it at another time, but it is not fair for you to expect him to "get over this" quickly or put a timeline on him. i know you know that it will take a long time for him to become confident w/you, & trust what you say and do, all over again. i am not saying this to knock you down. i am so encouraged by your openness and honesty. i am amazed, frankly, because we don't--i don't anyway--ever seem to come across as...gentle to people, tho i pray to God to be gentle all the time, with things that are put on this marriage forum...

the men's advices are outstanding for this thread. i am grateful that they answered your post--not that they don't: they are wise enough to know which threads to steer clear w/a ten foot pole, lol.

you have to buckle up and pray and fast. you have to show your husband how wrong you were... i know that you told your husband why you feel like you sinned, but what it could have translated to your husband was excuses, or justifications for the wrong. i only think this, because that's how my hubby is. i can't say sorry, i thought you were gonna, or sorry, i thought i could do this, etc... i have to only say "sorry, i know i did wrong. i know it was a _insert stupid or wrong wrong wrong here__" if i say "i am sorry. you.." my poor hubby goes berzerk. because it doesn't show him a godly sorrow. it doesn't show me seeing my wrong in the whole thing. it shows me somehow someway in my head, thinking "if he had not done this or if he had done this, i would not have sinned." & if you are saying "this is why i sinned" to your hubby, then you are making the same error i make--and instead of your hubby blowing up like my hubby does, and w/good reason, your hubby takes it, and thinks "i could have controlled my wife. i could have prevented her from sinning like this. i didn't take the "power" i had for this whole thing..."

which honestly, is not right. he probably needs to be sat down, and reassured, that he had no power over you. no matter what he did, no matter how he did it, etc, no matter the problems in your marriage, he didn't deserve for you to hurt him so deep and so profoundly as you did--even if he had had an affair before you, he still didn't deserve to be treated like that...

i hope this doesn't come across as me lecturing you. i am not. i am only suggesting what to tell him. please don't think i am trying to beat you up either. i am not.