For the last 3-4 years I have really been struggling with something lately. I am a Christian and I try to follow the Lord. However, there is something that is REALLY bothering me. First off, in confidentiality, I have Obsesssive Compulsive Disorder and I used to barely be able to function.. I had to leave school as a kid often and I finally got over stuff like that and am being able to go to classes and do other things fine. However, about 4 years ago I had this terrible fear that I was a homosexual. I would (ugh this is so disgusting) look at gay porn to test myself to see if I had an erection, and I would try my sisters underwear on to see if I got an erection to that as well. All of that was a test to see if I was gay. I would even take those silly "are you gay" quizzes on those "make your own quiz" sites.
I never got an erection whilst looking at gay pornography, but the times I was testing myself by wearing my sisters underwear I would often get erections. This made me extremely angry and depressed, because I thought that this meant I was a homosexual. I am not a crossdresser and I have no intention of wanting to be one. I went to the psychiatrist that helped me get through my other OCD stuff and he just didn't help. I don't think he is a very religious person, and when I told him these things he just responded with, "well getting an erection while wearing your sisters underwear or clothes doesn't make you gay." He of course is right in that regard, but then I told him that the fact that that aroused me on a consistent basis (that is when I tested myself.. I didn't do it for pleasure) really disturbed me and the idea that I was sexually aroused by the thought or action or crossdressing really really made me mad, depressed and upset.
That was two or three years ago when I was talking to him and I have not had this issue consistently since then either. However, usually once a year for about a month I will be searching for something on the internet or someone will be talking about crossdressing in one way or another and I will immediately get upset again and go for about a month testing myself by going to websites where there are pictures and stories of men crossdressing in womens clothing. And almost every time, I GET AN ERECTION!!! grrrr!!!! .
Most of the time it is just one of those half erections but sometimes they have been full ones. Also, similar things have happend like a couple years ago when I was at school this girl in my class was talking about how she forced her brother in one of her pink dresses and took pictures of him. Her just talking about that gave me a partial erection and made me really upset and disgusted.
Also, many of the times during the 1-2 month period where this pops up again I will end up having dreams about it. Like one I was walking around my school (at the time) in panties. I woke up in a sweat and really upset and I had an erection.
The psychologist I had been talknig to said that since the idea of it bothered me so bad to imagine myself in women's clothing for a few minutes a day so that it doesn't bother me so badly. I really disagreed with him and I still do. Everytime I do that I will get a partial erection and then will start worrying a lot again. Also, if I did that every day and then jsut got used to the idea of me in womens underwear + clothing what keeps me from not thinking it is wrong anymore and embracing it as my "true" self and one of my "true" hobbies. EW! And then often times this unwanted erection leads me to go and look for naked women on the net for an outlet so I can get an erection when I should. Sometimes I do, but other times I just cant get an erection. I like women, but I have never had a girlfriend and this is also adds to my worries. Also, there are times when I think about those women and/or mothers who make their sons or husbands dress up like women as punishment or for their own sexual arousal. That really makes me uneasy as well. Also, when these things start bothering me I think back to when I was a kid and I can specifically remember times where in a cartoon series something would happen and a group of girls would gang up on a boy and crossdress him or like in the little racals where alfalfa and spanky hide in the ballet dresses and pose as mannequins were my favorite episodes. I dont know WHY!! I even remember that there was a time when I was was, I think was about ten or eleven that I was looking for my sister's nail polish so I could paint my toenails. I didnt find it so I gave up. Why would I do something like this if I do not like this at all!?! I do not want to have anything to do with crossdressing, transvestism, sodomy, or anything of the sort. Also, when I was a kid I was not feminine and I am almost certain that I never tried to try on any womens clothing at all, however it really worried me because I was not and am still not a huge fan of athletics. However, I love action movies and action videogames and I do not feel I am feminine at all. I have heard of all these guys that like to "get in touch with their feminine site" or women saying that the guy needs to do so. And I personally do not think this is real at all. Men should NOT have a feminine side and women should not have a masculine side. God created us the way we are for a reason.. if we are born a man we need to live and be the MAN God wants us to be. Also, what really bothers me is what about people who are born with both male and female sex organs. What are they supposed to do?! I would be depressed and upset for probably all my life if I were that way. Also, what about people thatget castrated? I know that hard things build character but what about that?! I have not heard of any occurences where that has happened to someone and they have prayed to the Lord to restore their testicles and they got them back (not saying that there haven't been any occurences that this has happened). This really causes doubt in me that the Lord will heal me of this thing that keeps bothering me.
I do not want to be a crossdresser, adn I am not gay. I like women although when things like this happen and some other times (when OCD is bothering me) I question my attraction to them as well. And even sometimes I will just get apathetic about the whole thing and just be calm about it, but then I feel bad because I NEVER WANT TO GET ANY TYPE OF ERECTION OR AROUSAL from the thought/idea, story or pictures of crossdressing EVER AGAIN. I DO NOT LIKE IT ALL!!! I have been praying to the Lord and asking him to relieve this from me, telling him that I know that he doesnt have to, but that he is surely powerful enough to do this for me easily. I know I should ahve faith that he will help me, but it is just so frustrating when I ask him for healing of this then not even 60 minutes later a thought will pop into my head and there go the worries again. This just makes me so mad and I know I should not doubt my Lord and Savior, but the fact that (I know this isnt directly related) I dont know of ANY documented cases where the Lord has healed homosexuals and made them heterosexual. Not that they cannot go to heaven being that way, but some of these people genuinely want to be a heterosexual, not jsut to go to heaven, but because they want to live normal lives like the majority of the population.
Please help. Please pray for me and I hope that this will quit bothering me forever. Please.
I never got an erection whilst looking at gay pornography, but the times I was testing myself by wearing my sisters underwear I would often get erections. This made me extremely angry and depressed, because I thought that this meant I was a homosexual. I am not a crossdresser and I have no intention of wanting to be one. I went to the psychiatrist that helped me get through my other OCD stuff and he just didn't help. I don't think he is a very religious person, and when I told him these things he just responded with, "well getting an erection while wearing your sisters underwear or clothes doesn't make you gay." He of course is right in that regard, but then I told him that the fact that that aroused me on a consistent basis (that is when I tested myself.. I didn't do it for pleasure) really disturbed me and the idea that I was sexually aroused by the thought or action or crossdressing really really made me mad, depressed and upset.
That was two or three years ago when I was talking to him and I have not had this issue consistently since then either. However, usually once a year for about a month I will be searching for something on the internet or someone will be talking about crossdressing in one way or another and I will immediately get upset again and go for about a month testing myself by going to websites where there are pictures and stories of men crossdressing in womens clothing. And almost every time, I GET AN ERECTION!!! grrrr!!!! .
Most of the time it is just one of those half erections but sometimes they have been full ones. Also, similar things have happend like a couple years ago when I was at school this girl in my class was talking about how she forced her brother in one of her pink dresses and took pictures of him. Her just talking about that gave me a partial erection and made me really upset and disgusted.
Also, many of the times during the 1-2 month period where this pops up again I will end up having dreams about it. Like one I was walking around my school (at the time) in panties. I woke up in a sweat and really upset and I had an erection.
The psychologist I had been talknig to said that since the idea of it bothered me so bad to imagine myself in women's clothing for a few minutes a day so that it doesn't bother me so badly. I really disagreed with him and I still do. Everytime I do that I will get a partial erection and then will start worrying a lot again. Also, if I did that every day and then jsut got used to the idea of me in womens underwear + clothing what keeps me from not thinking it is wrong anymore and embracing it as my "true" self and one of my "true" hobbies. EW! And then often times this unwanted erection leads me to go and look for naked women on the net for an outlet so I can get an erection when I should. Sometimes I do, but other times I just cant get an erection. I like women, but I have never had a girlfriend and this is also adds to my worries. Also, there are times when I think about those women and/or mothers who make their sons or husbands dress up like women as punishment or for their own sexual arousal. That really makes me uneasy as well. Also, when these things start bothering me I think back to when I was a kid and I can specifically remember times where in a cartoon series something would happen and a group of girls would gang up on a boy and crossdress him or like in the little racals where alfalfa and spanky hide in the ballet dresses and pose as mannequins were my favorite episodes. I dont know WHY!! I even remember that there was a time when I was was, I think was about ten or eleven that I was looking for my sister's nail polish so I could paint my toenails. I didnt find it so I gave up. Why would I do something like this if I do not like this at all!?! I do not want to have anything to do with crossdressing, transvestism, sodomy, or anything of the sort. Also, when I was a kid I was not feminine and I am almost certain that I never tried to try on any womens clothing at all, however it really worried me because I was not and am still not a huge fan of athletics. However, I love action movies and action videogames and I do not feel I am feminine at all. I have heard of all these guys that like to "get in touch with their feminine site" or women saying that the guy needs to do so. And I personally do not think this is real at all. Men should NOT have a feminine side and women should not have a masculine side. God created us the way we are for a reason.. if we are born a man we need to live and be the MAN God wants us to be. Also, what really bothers me is what about people who are born with both male and female sex organs. What are they supposed to do?! I would be depressed and upset for probably all my life if I were that way. Also, what about people thatget castrated? I know that hard things build character but what about that?! I have not heard of any occurences where that has happened to someone and they have prayed to the Lord to restore their testicles and they got them back (not saying that there haven't been any occurences that this has happened). This really causes doubt in me that the Lord will heal me of this thing that keeps bothering me.
I do not want to be a crossdresser, adn I am not gay. I like women although when things like this happen and some other times (when OCD is bothering me) I question my attraction to them as well. And even sometimes I will just get apathetic about the whole thing and just be calm about it, but then I feel bad because I NEVER WANT TO GET ANY TYPE OF ERECTION OR AROUSAL from the thought/idea, story or pictures of crossdressing EVER AGAIN. I DO NOT LIKE IT ALL!!! I have been praying to the Lord and asking him to relieve this from me, telling him that I know that he doesnt have to, but that he is surely powerful enough to do this for me easily. I know I should ahve faith that he will help me, but it is just so frustrating when I ask him for healing of this then not even 60 minutes later a thought will pop into my head and there go the worries again. This just makes me so mad and I know I should not doubt my Lord and Savior, but the fact that (I know this isnt directly related) I dont know of ANY documented cases where the Lord has healed homosexuals and made them heterosexual. Not that they cannot go to heaven being that way, but some of these people genuinely want to be a heterosexual, not jsut to go to heaven, but because they want to live normal lives like the majority of the population.
Please help. Please pray for me and I hope that this will quit bothering me forever. Please.