Please advise...Fighting over large purchase

[computergal]

Hello, I'm new here. DH and I have been married for 14 years and have 2 children under age 10. We both have good jobs and make an above average income. He makes twice as much as I do and therefore feels that he has the right to spend money however he wants. Although we have a retirement and savings, I still feel that money should be valued and I always want to be responsible with our spending. Our latest argument is him wanting to spend 50K on a golf simulator. He feels that it is no big deal and we can just add it to our house loan when we build. I am dead set against this and feel like it is irresponsible and selfish for him to spend that kind of money on something for himself. He says he is going to buy it whether I agree or not. As a Christian wife, do I just need to give in or stand my ground? My biggest issue is not even the money as much as the fact that he is like this about everything.... he does what he wants, when he wants and it doesn't matter how I feel about it. Thank you for any advice.

 

[Murby]

Would you like advice based on your Christian belief system or advice based on common sense and reason without regard to your belief system?

 

[computergal]

Hmmm....that's a loaded question. I think I already know the answer to both. I told him last night that I could not get on board with spending that much money on a "video game". And he said he was buying one whether I was on board with it or not.....I don't know why of all the things he has done that I have been opposed to, this is the one that feels like a "dealbreaker"

 

[Soyeong]

Hello,

Even if he was the only one who had an income, you are one flesh and how you spend your money concerns both of you. Some couples set it up so that they both have an allowance of spending money that they can save up and spend no questions asked, but for larger purchases they both have to agree. I think 50k to be a large amount of money, so you are completely justified in wanting to be consulted about it, especially because it would be part of a loan. If he wants to spend 50k no questions asked, then he should be ok with you also spending 50k no questions asked. I'm not saying that you should go out and spend 50k on something or that you should compete on how much you can spend, but there is a principle in treating others in the way that you want to be treated. The Bible says that a wife should submit to their husband, but it also says that a husband is to love their wife as Christ loved the church, which is a sacrificial love that involves serving you and putting your wants above his own.

I suggest that you first see a financial advisor so that you can come into an agreement about how you spend your money. I generally suggest that every couple see a Christian marriage counselor before they get married because there are many issues that are better to discuss before hand than in the heat of the moment. For instance, putting a financial plan in place would have prevented these sorts of arguments down the road. This is something that he clearly wants and if he wants it enough to save up his share of your disposable incomes, then I don't think it is something that should be off the table, but it should go through a financial plan that you've both agreed to.

 

[computergal]

Thank you for your advice. He would let me spend 50K, if I wanted. But, I am more responsible with money and would never spend that much on something that would only benefit myself. (or a video system) He would never agree with "saving" for this, he feels like he works hard and should be able to buy whatever he wants. He has wasted a lot of our money before gambling and other things but whenever I confronted him about it, his reply was "its not your business or concern". This is just a small part of our marriage, that is broken. We have seen many counselors and nothing seems to help.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

if you're going to add it to a house loan...it's simple...refuse to sign if the 50K is included in the loan. That 50K would be the responsibility of BOTH of you to pay back. You don't want it, don't sign for it. He can't force you. If you don't live in a community property state, don't sign for the loan...then it's on him. Also, do not contribute ONE DIME to the repayment of the loan if it's in his name only.

 

[Murby]

Hmmm....that's a loaded question. I think I already know the answer to both. I told him last night that I could not get on board with spending that much money on a "video game". And he said he was buying one whether I was on board with it or not.....I don't know why of all the things he has done that I have been opposed to, this is the one that feels like a "dealbreaker"

It was not meant to be a loaded question.... its just that sometimes in this forum, people like me who do not believe must make a determination as to the level of belief the person has in order to give advice. If you said to take your beliefs in consideration, I would have just shut up and went away because I have no good advice in that respect.

That's all. not meant to be loaded or trickery.. I don't operate that way.

One of the issues here that must be taken into account is how much you two make.. $50k is a lot of money to some, and pocket change to others. So that makes a big difference.
Something else that makes a big difference is what is important to him... I've always wanted to build my own telescope, but I don't want to build a hobby toy.. I want something with a 30 to 40 inch aperture mounted to a concrete base with a purpose built housing.. That's right around the same cost as his golf game.. But its out of my budget so I don't do it.

Is your husband a pro golfer? That would explain a lot.. Or if he's a surgeon making $500K year, that's a different issue too.. I'm going to assume that he's not making $500K a year or he wouldn't need a loan for a video game.

So, on that assumption, here's the basic advice I can give you..
YOU DON"T mortgage the house for a (golfing?) video game.. (that is, unless you're a pro golfer and its a tool for your trade)

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

He makes twice as much as I do and therefore feels that he has the right to spend money however he wants.

The ol' "Mine is mine!" thing. He needs to realize your a couple. Hence you share everything. Is he a christian? Does he even realize its in the bible that you are to become one?

I still feel that money should be valued and I always want to be responsible with our spending.

It should be. The bible says we are to be good stewards of our everything. Including our money. If we chose to be irresponsible with it then God will bless us less since He knows we won't handle it right. Which sadly means it will affect both of you since in todays world things you do affects the spouse too.

Our latest argument is him wanting to spend 50K on a golf simulator.

Wow. Tell him for $30 he can get a golf game to play. Or spend like $200 and buy a Wii with a golf game. Its interactive and essentially the same thing. Well there are differences of course but for that amount of money he could play TONS of golf games. Save a ton. I've met people (and seen people) who own mansions and could spend 50k like it was nothing. But none of them own a golf simulator because its just easier to go play golf itself. Matter of fact last time I seen a golf simulator was years ago at a bar and grille place. Its also sad he would be ok if you spent 50k on anything. It very much seems like what you said about he has his own life and he wants you to not be part of his money, his life...etc. Makes me wonder what other money he has spent on things without you knowing.

As a Christian wife, do I just need to give in or stand my ground?

I'd say stand your ground. 50k is something to big to just let him do what he wants with. This affects all of you in the end since he wants to roll it into the loan with the house.

he is like this about everything.... he does what he wants, when he wants and it doesn't matter how I feel about it.

I wonder why he got married then. Does he not know hes not single anymore? Is he maybe stressed and thats why he doing all this? Maybe a midlife crisis?

He would never agree with "saving" for this, he feels like he works hard and should be able to buy whatever he wants

Well if he feels that way then I point out the above response again. If you feel yuou work hard and should do what you want then he should have remained single. >.<

gambling

Ah... well this opened up a whole new insight into his issues. So hes bad with money and has addictions. Its sad counselling has not helped because money issues like this will destroy a family.

You mentioned you have two children. Is he also selfish about "his" money when it comes to them? Also has he been like this since you married?

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Would you like advice based on your Christian belief system or advice based on common sense and reason without regard to your belief system?

How's about you just give your opinion without the caveat? We're pretty open minded (most of us...)

 

[Albion]

Hello, I'm new here. DH and I have been married for 14 years and have 2 children under age 10. We both have good jobs and make an above average income. He makes twice as much as I do and therefore feels that he has the right to spend money however he wants. Although we have a retirement and savings, I still feel that money should be valued and I always want to be responsible with our spending. Our latest argument is him wanting to spend 50K on a golf simulator. He feels that it is no big deal and we can just add it to our house loan when we build. I am dead set against this and feel like it is irresponsible and selfish for him to spend that kind of money on something for himself. He says he is going to buy it whether I agree or not. As a Christian wife, do I just need to give in or stand my ground? My biggest issue is not even the money as much as the fact that he is like this about everything.... he does what he wants, when he wants and it doesn't matter how I feel about it. Thank you for any advice.

When I got to seven, I stopped counting reasons why this plan of his is absolutely unconscionable. I don't know how you can bring him around, but asking for reason to prevail and appeals to the idea of you two being partners in life obviously aren't going to work.

That's a confirmation of what you were thinking rather than help, but I'm stumped.

 

[Murby]

How's about you just give your opinion without the caveat? We're pretty open minded (most of us...)

Try reading up a couple of posts...

 

[Albion]

duplicate.

 

[98cwitr]

Do you all have joint accounts or separate?

 

[farout]

Hello, I'm new here. DH and I have been married for 14 years and have 2 children under age 10. We both have good jobs and make an above average income. He makes twice as much as I do and therefore feels that he has the right to spend money however he wants. Although we have a retirement and savings, I still feel that money should be valued and I always want to be responsible with our spending. Our latest argument is him wanting to spend 50K on a golf simulator. He feels that it is no big deal and we can just add it to our house loan when we build. I am dead set against this and feel like it is irresponsible and selfish for him to spend that kind of money on something for himself. He says he is going to buy it whether I agree or not. As a Christian wife, do I just need to give in or stand my ground? My biggest issue is not even the money as much as the fact that he is like this about everything.... he does what he wants, when he wants and it doesn't matter how I feel about it. Thank you for any advice.

Is he a professional Golfer? If this is just for his enjoyment or to better his game than this is a much more serious matter.

Do you have a pastor that you both are members of the same church? Then you might want to consider making an appointment and talking this over with him.

I can only relate information based on my relationship with my wife of almost 47 years. We have always got vehicle loans with both our names on the loan and title, ALWAYS...except one time. Oh my this brings feelings of deep regret as I tell you my story.

We our Chrysler Pacifica had way too many miles to go much farther. I found a RAM truck that had what we needed. We went in to sign the papers and pick up the truck. At the financial office the man told us because we were both older and on retirement that only I could be on the loan. Well she was very quiet and had the hurt look on her face. But my "just do it" pushy ways I signed the papers and away we went. Stupid hey!

On the way home she said we had never done it this way before...the hurt came out. After a week we called the lender and asked how we could get her on the loan, they said...NEVER. And to make things even worse they said if I died in order for her to keep the truck she would have to qualify for a new loan to keep the truck. I was really upset and she was as well. We took the contract to a lawyer. He looked at the contract and told us more financial local banks are doing this to make the spouse requalify for the loan if they are not on the original contract. Oh my goose was cooked, cut up, and on my plate and ready to eat. We were both very upset. We went to several places to refinance the loan. By this time we had the truck for 6 months and we had a dead horse so banks would not touch it. I felt deep remorse over what had happened. To correct my stupid mistake I went the huge extra hundred miles because I love my wife. We traded our truck in for another new RAM truck and had both of our names on the loan. Was it a costly mistake? Oh yes it was! But did it restore my wife's integrity and show her honor? You bet it did. Was it worthy about $4,500.00 loss to show how sorry I was for being a "just get it done" or being pushy guy? Yes it was. Money is worth so little in light of me hurting my wife and putting her at risk if I should die before it was paid for!

Men do strange things, our testosterone sure gets us in trouble, our maleness and pride in being what it is, can drive us to do some really dumb things. No male is exempt, from making choices that come back to bite us. I am blessed to have a wife who forgives, and allows me to correct my mistakes, even if it proves to cost us more.

My personal way of seeking to find a way to bridge a gap in what I want to do when she does not want to do it, is to pray together for wisdom James 1:5 as for wisdom. Prayer changes me.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Try reading up a couple of posts...

I did; but before you gave your opinion, there's your little disclaimer. You've done this in another thread as well. Just state your opinion, and never-mind the "do you want religion or common sense" junk.

 

[jimmyjimmy]

He is shockingly wrong to ignore you on this, but we only have your side of the story to work with. I don't know what will work, but nagging won't, if you haven't figured that out already.

My only advise is that you convey a feeling of being unloved by this. Don't say, "you don't love me". Say, "I feel very unloved" because of your ignoring me on this.

 

[WolfGate]

Forgetting what the item is, here are my thoughts:

- As others have said, when married the money is both of yours. In my case, my wife is a SAHM, but that does not give me more influence over financial decisions. The family financial plan is ours.

- It appears the two of you have different natural bents towards spending and saving. That is common - and a family financial plan and budget needs to take into account the way both of you were made.

- There is nothing wrong with spending money that you can afford. Inherently, if it fit within the family financial plan, 50k on a golf simulator might be an acceptable purchase.

- Having said all of that, I suspect the two of you do not have a long term financial strategy. You are at the perfect place in life to make sure you do. Your income is good, I'm assuming you're relatively young with children under 10. I'd recommend you find a financial advisor (one you pay for advice, not one who earns commissions) to help the two of you together develop a family financial plan that includes retirement goals, real estate and budget guidance. Then you'll know how much money you really have to spend.

- His idea of spending money regardless of your objections is wrong. On your end, you called his desire to spend money on something "irresponsible", but you never indicated you could not afford it. Unless you have a good handle on a financial plan and budget, you really don't know if it is responsible or not. Valuing money does not mean you do not spend it - it means you spend it within the parameters that you've set as a family. Realize you've placed a value judgement on what he wants to buy when you called it irresponsible, and that may be part of his reaction. If he believes you can afford it, then taking your comment personally is not an uncommon reaction.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Sister - Here's the beauty of man being head of the household (God's wonderful, freeing, burden-off-me-design, not based on who makes what).. your husband is accountable to God for his actions, not you. You are called to help (God almighty KNEW man needed a helper) which is to gently and meekly (strength under control, not door mat) tell him that it's not a wise use of money, and you are not in agreement with the purchase. Then, your job is pray your butt off that he received your input (ie. crucify his flesh). Then, your job is to let it go. NO matter what happens - do not become bitter or unforgiving and please don't consider vengeance... your situation is very common in marriages, and how you chose to deal with it, can actually set you marriage up for failure and ultimately divorce... humble yourself, pray your butt off, and trust the Holy Spirit to convict your husband. Read and study the bible chapters on Love.. and focus on that!!

 

[Goatee]

Think of something you want for 50k and tell him you are buying it!!

 

[mkgal1]

Would you like advice based on your Christian belief system or advice based on common sense and reason without regard to your belief system?

Seems like there's a presumption there that the two are mutually exclusive. Not all "Christian belief systems" are the same. Just wanted to mention that.