Playing it cool in relationships

[leothelioness]

I was just curious about how guys act when they're getting to know a girl. Do you tend to "play it cool" and not reveal how much you like her to keep from seeming desperate or clingy? How do you let her know you like her without coming off too strong?

I'm a pretty straightforward person and I don't like game playing, so I would like a guy to at least be honest about his intentions and where he wants it to lead. I really need help when it comes to interest because sometimes I can't tell if someone really does like me, so it's frustrating when they don't clue me in on their interest until I've lost interest already. So, how do you go about letting a girl know you like her and want more with her and when is the appropriate amount of time to do that?

 

[dayhiker]

lioness ... I was at least as confused as you are when I was young. These days its not as hard. I think its easier to be straight forward when you get older. For many the games become less as well. Or at least its that way with the people I hang around.

These days I self reveal myself to the people I meet instead of not saying what I feel. Of course when I was younger I have a very hard time going from feels to words.

 

[Aldebaran]

I was just curious about how guys act when they're getting to know a girl. Do you tend to "play it cool" and not reveal how much you like her to keep from seeming desperate or clingy? How do you let her know you like her without coming off too strong?

I'm a pretty straightforward person and I don't like game playing, so I would like a guy to at least be honest about his intentions and where he wants it to lead. I really need help when it comes to interest because sometimes I can't tell if someone really does like me, so it's frustrating when they don't clue me in on their interest until I've lost interest already. So, how do you go about letting a girl know you like her and want more with her and when is the appropriate amount of time to do that?

I'm a guy, so I'll give you my 1 cent's worth (I'm being cheap today! )

I'm pretty straightforward when I like someone, and about most things when it comes to how I feel, so I usually let a girl know it with both barrels blazing! Today, I'm 43 and haven't dated anyone or even had many friends in the past 15 years, so we see where my honesty has gotten me!

However, from what I've seen of other people, they do hold back they're feelings so as not to seem needy. I guess that's the thing to do. I remember in the past how people I didn't really care for (girls and guys) would hang around me all the time even when I tried to either not show any interest or even made attempts to make them go away. Maybe I should do that with girls I actually like, but it seems like it wouldn't be very honest, either with her or myself, and that I'd be just playing games that way. But unfortunately, it seems as if that's what works.

As for your situation, LeotheLioness, I'd be willing to bet the guy you're with is interested in you. If you want to test him, try showing less interest in him and see if he starts to get concerned and tries bringing you closer. Then you'd know for sure.

 

[leothelioness]

I'm not with anyone right now. I mainly just wanted to know why guys do this.

 

[Aldebaran]

I'm not with anyone right now. I mainly just wanted to know why guys do this.

Really??? Then take me! Pleeeeaaaassseee!!! I'm not needy or clingy at all! I promise!!!

 

[bhsmte]

I'm not with anyone right now. I mainly just wanted to know why guys do this.

I think what you really mean is; why some guys do this.

It sounds as though you are describing someone who may be a tad insecure and has trouble telling someone they like them and care about them. Telling someone you care about them, creates vulnerability and if someone is not secure, they may hold back on doing so.

 

[keith99]

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[Aldebaran]

I think what you really mean is; why some guys do this.

It sounds as though you are describing someone who may be a tad insecure and has trouble telling someone they like them and care about them. Telling someone you care about them, creates vulnerability and if someone is not secure, they may hold back on doing so.

They may also understand that showing vulnerability also makes them appear insecure, and that appearing that way would make them less attractive to you. To be vulnerable, or not to be vulnerable....that seems to be one of the big questions people have to wrestle with when trying to get into a relationship. Either one could backfire.

 

[bhsmte]

I'm not with anyone right now. I mainly just wanted to know why guys do this.

Leo,

It seems in several of your threads, you describe flaws you perceive in men that you seem to have trouble with. It would appear you are either meeting a flawed group of guys, or you are somewhat paranoid about certain traits.

 

[bhsmte]

They may also understand that showing vulnerability also makes them appear insecure, and that appearing that way would make them less attractive to you. To be vulnerable, or not to be vulnerable....that seems to be one of the big questions people have to wrestle with when trying to get into a relationship. Either one could backfire.

I disagree.

If someone holds back on telling someone they care about them, because it makes them more vulnerable, that tells me they are in fact insecure with themselves.

 

[Aldebaran]

I disagree.

If someone holds back on telling someone they care about them, because it makes them more vulnerable, that tells me they are in fact insecure with themselves.

Sure, but different people seem to take a show of vulnerability in different ways. If they show themselves as vulnerable, they could be seen as open, sensitive, sociable, loving. On the other hand, a person may see them as needy, clingy, even insecure with themselves because they don't appear to be self-sufficient--needing someone else in their life to feel complete. Sometimes people want someone who already has it together, but doesn't require another person to feel complete, but perhaps can be persuaded to accept a relationship into their life.

I've played it both ways. Originally, I played it vulnerable and it seemed to repel everyone I was around. I was even told flat-out that I need to be secure in being alone before I can be with someone else. So I tried that, and it seemed to attract others, even ones I didn't want to attract. But when I became satisfied being alone, I didn't feel the need for a relationship. That's what it means to be satisfied.

 

[bhsmte]

Sure, but different people seem to take a show of vulnerability in different ways. If they show themselves as vulnerable, they could be seen as open, sensitive, sociable, loving. On the other hand, a person may see them as needy, clingy, even insecure with themselves because they don't appear to be self-sufficient--needing someone else in their life to feel complete. Sometimes people want someone who already has it together, but doesn't require another person to feel complete, but perhaps can be persuaded to accept a relationship into their life.

I've played it both ways. Originally, I played it vulnerable and it seemed to repel everyone I was around. I was even told flat-out that I need to be secure in being alone before I can be with someone else. So I tried that, and it seemed to attract others, even ones I didn't want to attract. But when I became satisfied being alone, I didn't feel the need for a relationship. That's what it means to be satisfied.

Bottom line; if a person needs to hold back telling someone they care about them because they fear it will make them vulnerable, then they are insecure in being forthright with their feelings.

 

[Aldebaran]

Bottom line; if a person needs to hold back telling someone they care about them because they fear it will make them vulnerable, then they are insecure in being forthright with their feelings.

I agree about telling someone that you care about them. But caring about them and wanting a relationship with them can be two different things.

 

[bhsmte]

I agree about telling someone that you care about them. But caring about them and wanting a relationship with them can be two different things.

Then you tell them that.

 

[Aldebaran]

Then you tell them that.

So how about the situation before you even know them. Let's say you in a place where you see someone you think is attractive. It could be a classroom or a bar or whatever. When you lock eyes with them from across the room, do you give them a look that tells them, "Hey, I think you're attractive!" or do you give them a friendly smile that basically just acknowledges them in a friendly way but doesn't indicate you are interested in them?

 

[bhsmte]

So how about the situation before you even know them. Let's say you in a place where you see someone you think is attractive. It could be a classroom or a bar or whatever. When you lock eyes with them from across the room, do you give them a look that tells them, "Hey, I think you're attractive!" or do you give them a friendly smile that basically just acknowledges them in a friendly way but doesn't indicate you are interested in them?

I am confused, you previously mentioned caring for someone, but not desiring a relationship with them. How could you deem you don't want to have a relationship with someone and or care about them, if you don't know them as you describe above?

And, there is no right or wrong way to make eye contact with someone you determine is attractive and is specific to each person.

 

[Aldebaran]

I am confused, you previously mentioned caring for someone, but not desiring a relationship with them. How could you deem you don't want to have a relationship with someone and or care about them, if you don't know them as you describe above?

And, there is no right or wrong way to make eye contact with someone you determine is attractive and is specific to each person.

I was addressing 2 different scenarios. First one would be about building upon a relationship you already have. The second one is about starting a relationship with someone you have just met, or are attempting to meet.

 

[leothelioness]

Leo,

It seems in several of your threads, you describe flaws you perceive in men that you seem to have trouble with. It would appear you are either meeting a flawed group of guys, or you are somewhat paranoid about certain traits.

I know I have always had bad luck with guys that are not honest or secure. Not sure why I can't seem to find one who doesn't play games, but there you go.

Now, what my OP is about is not a "flaw" I've perceived per se, but rather a behavior that I don't understand. Does that make sense?

 

[bhsmte]

I know I have always had bad luck with guys that are not honest or secure. Not sure why I can't seem to find one who doesn't play games, but there you go.

Now, what my OP is about is not a "flaw" I've perceived per se, but rather a behavior that I don't understand. Does that make sense?

Ok, that makes sense.

One thing to add to your consideration though, is how you are interpreting the behaviors as well.

 

[leothelioness]

Ok, that makes sense.

One thing to add to your consideration though, is how you are interpreting the behaviors as well.

What other way is there to interpret it? What if the person told you they didn't want to tell you everything they thought because it wouldn't be the cool thing to do?