Physical Affection in Dating

[EtainSkirata]

I know the age old question of "how far is too far" isn't the question to be asking, but rather more like, "how can I honor God in this relationship?" And I tell you what, I am STRUGGLING. My boyfriend and I don't even kiss because it's too much of a temptation. Which is fine, but I get stuck on hugs. Sitting (NOT lying down) on the couch hugging, and then BAM, impure thoughts that I want to make out with him. Or even hugging in the kitchen! BAM, impure thoughts. I read somewhere that we're not supposed to intentionally cause ourselves to lust. How on EARTH am I supposed to show him SOME KIND of physical affection? What thoughts are part of normal desire, and what is lust? Even Dr. Dobson of Focus on the Family puts kissing BEFORE the marriage boundary. And my boyfriend and I don't even do that. I'm just sick and tired of constantly feeling guilty over a HUG.

 

[chevyontheriver]

I know the age old question of "how far is too far" isn't the question to be asking, but rather more like, "how can I honor God in this relationship?" And I tell you what, I am STRUGGLING. My boyfriend and I don't even kiss because it's too much of a temptation. Which is fine, but I get stuck on hugs. Sitting (NOT lying down) on the couch hugging, and then BAM, impure thoughts that I want to make out with him. Or even hugging in the kitchen! BAM, impure thoughts. I read somewhere that we're not supposed to intentionally cause ourselves to lust. How on EARTH am I supposed to show him SOME KIND of physical affection? What thoughts are part of normal desire, and what is lust? Even Dr. Dobson of Focus on the Family puts kissing BEFORE the marriage boundary. And my boyfriend and I don't even do that. I'm just sick and tired of constantly feeling guilty over a HUG.

Marry him?

 

[EtainSkirata]

Marry him?

I think I'd certainly like to, but we're nowhere near that point.

 

[BobRyan]

I know the age old question of "how far is too far" isn't the question to be asking, but rather more like, "how can I honor God in this relationship?" And I tell you what, I am STRUGGLING. My boyfriend and I don't even kiss because it's too much of a temptation. Which is fine, but I get stuck on hugs. Sitting (NOT lying down) on the couch hugging, and then BAM, impure thoughts that I want to make out with him. Or even hugging in the kitchen! BAM, impure thoughts. I read somewhere that we're not supposed to intentionally cause ourselves to lust. How on EARTH am I supposed to show him SOME KIND of physical affection?

Stick to public places for physical affection. And have a talk with him about why you two are not yet informed enough about each other as Christians to make a decision one way or another about marriage.

Over the years - you may have run the dating phase into the ground at this point - it has nowhere to go but marriage or breaking up.

Once you have dated someone for 6 months or a year or two years -- you are really not going to "discover a huge trove of new info" in the next year. So if you are still dealing with a big red flag on moving into the marriage phase - then that might be "the sign" you are looking for.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Respectfully, these answers are helpful but also I am still questioning things. Like I hug my best friend. I hug my mom, and my dad, and my brother. Why is it I feel the need to keep my boyfriend at arms length? Why can't I give him a hug to comfort him after a bad day? People die at his job, and I want to be there for him. I just feel this GUILT, and it feels excessive and ridiculous and like I'm WAY over thinking it. I get a Bad Thought, but if I fight it off while hugging him for more than 2 seconds, is that the same as having a Bad Thought while just looking at him and fighting it off? Or a Bad Thought when he's not even in the room? Where do I draw the line?

As far as marriage goes, we've been dating not even 6 months, and it's sounding like he doesn't want to rush things (and I had made it clear I want to wait at least 1 year before marrying).

 

[Joined2krist]

There are differences between male and female. If you think bad thoughts when you hug him, what kind of thoughts do you think he is thinking?, he is probarbly thinking worse things. Getting married seems like a good solution

 

[EtainSkirata]

Okay but: I'm sure he has thoughts when I'm just sitting there. Or when we're just holding hands. I do too. So where do you draw the line? ie let's say he stops by to visit after someone died at work, and I feel I can't hug him for more than 2 seconds. Or just enjoying each other's presence, a quiet moment where nether of us truly have the desire to have sex, but just want to be near each other? I have been turning this over and over and it is a very difficult struggle to find some kind of happy medium where I can just chill and enjoy being in a relationship with him.

And I don't want someone to read my response and be led astray; follow your own convictions folks, but I'm asking because I know for a fact I'm slightly neurotic and over think things. What advice would you give to your own children, not just some stranger on the internet?

 

[BobRyan]

Respectfully, these answers are helpful but also I am still questioning things. Like I hug my best friend. I hug my mom, and my dad, and my brother. Why is it I feel the need to keep my boyfriend at arms length? Why can't I give him a hug to comfort him after a bad day?

because of chemistry.

Your body will not react the same to hugging your mother as it does to hugging your boyfriend.

Women's chemistry is triggered by touch more than sight.
Men's chemistry is triggered by both.

Your boyfriend's chemistry does not react the same to a hug from you as it does to a hug from his mother.

Mental discipline can override chemistry for sure... but if you are really mature in Christ enough to do that - then why not mature in Christ enough to determine if this relationship is going somewhere or not? Why keep standing there right at the cliff's edge year after year?

 

[chevyontheriver]

Respectfully, these answers are helpful but also I am still questioning things. Like I hug my best friend. I hug my mom, and my dad, and my brother. Why is it I feel the need to keep my boyfriend at arms length? Why can't I give him a hug to comfort him after a bad day? People die at his job, and I want to be there for him. I just feel this GUILT, and it feels excessive and ridiculous and like I'm WAY over thinking it. I get a Bad Thought, but if I fight it off while hugging him for more than 2 seconds, is that the same as having a Bad Thought while just looking at him and fighting it off? Or a Bad Thought when he's not even in the room? Where do I draw the line?

As far as marriage goes, we've been dating not even 6 months, and it's sounding like he doesn't want to rush things (and I had made it clear I want to wait at least 1 year before marrying).

They are not ‘bad thoughts’ but thoughts inappropriate to your present station in life. If married they would be good thoughts.

 

[Joined2krist]

St. Paul said it is better to marry than to burn with passion. Both of you should start talking seriously about marriage.

 

[eleos1954]

I know the age old question of "how far is too far" isn't the question to be asking, but rather more like, "how can I honor God in this relationship?" And I tell you what, I am STRUGGLING. My boyfriend and I don't even kiss because it's too much of a temptation. Which is fine, but I get stuck on hugs. Sitting (NOT lying down) on the couch hugging, and then BAM, impure thoughts that I want to make out with him. Or even hugging in the kitchen! BAM, impure thoughts. I read somewhere that we're not supposed to intentionally cause ourselves to lust. How on EARTH am I supposed to show him SOME KIND of physical affection? What thoughts are part of normal desire, and what is lust? Even Dr. Dobson of Focus on the Family puts kissing BEFORE the marriage boundary. And my boyfriend and I don't even do that. I'm just sick and tired of constantly feeling guilty over a HUG.

well if it's causing impure thoughts ... then don't do it.

Not sure how old you are ... but what about marriage?

 

[EtainSkirata]

I brought this up to my therapist, who herself is a Christian. And she said along the lines of maybe there's a space to recognize, "I'm having this feeling of being aroused, but I'm CHOOSING not to actually do anything about it" (as in, actually having sex or making out). Because arousal I don't think is a sin, it's a bodily function. Nor do I think attraction is a sin. And if we're supposed to avoid every situation that makes it easy to have bad thoughts, then according to my boyfriend I can't even be in the same room as him. (And also, maybe there's situations where we go to church or the store and see an attractive man or woman and have these thoughts, are we supposed to just stay home all the time since it causes bad thoughts?)

Lastly, growing up, my grandparents would give each other a quick kiss when they got home, and I would argue that it wasn't sexual. Or even in France, they kiss each other all the time. Maybe one or the other had a few fleeting thoughts when it happens, but is it possible to recognize the thoughts and have self control to not take it to the next level? If we're supposed to avoid the situations, then I can't even look at my boyfriend. So, I want to know if there's some level of affection that I can give him. And I also want to know how to stop over thinking it because it's DEFINITELY causing a strain on the relationship. I can't hug him or anything without being worried.