- May 17, 2011
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Here is my personal testimony of how Jesus Himself delivered me from chronic depression, general anxiety, PTSD. To understand some of my story I have to tell you a bit about my past.
I grew up in a small town in Southeast Kansas and from my earliest days I can remember being in church. I attended for most of my life a very decent sized Independent Fundamental Baptist Church (Cessasionist as well). As I grew up I from time to time would have visions or hear a voice telling me things about God and my church would tell me it isn't God so reject the things and seek the truth as found in the Word. Well I grew up in that mentality until I was 18. I gave my life to Jesus in that church, thinking He was calling me into the mission field. When I graduated high school though, things changed and I joined the US Army.
I am still a Soldier in the US Army currently serving in my 11th year. I have been to 3 combat tours in Iraq in 2003, 2007, 2010. Immediately after basic training, I fell away hard. I stopped attending church all together, well I did go once every blue moon, but it was more like an annual attendance, not monthly or weekly. I stopped reading my Bible and I still prayed for the most part, but not for anything but God give me this or that. Well after my last tour in Iraq after returning home I would sit in bed at night and just beg God to end me because I had no hope anymore. I would tell myself and my wife that I had nothing to live for (even with 2 beautiful children) and would say things like "How many billions of people have ever lived and been remembered ever?" I didn't quite know that I had begun to slip into PTSD, depression, and severe anxiety.
My work suffered tremendously, my home life was non existant, I just had nothing. I eventually started to get suicidal ideations and intentions, going so far one time as to poke myself (not through the skin) many times with a knife to prepare myself for what would come. I was unfaithful with my wife, and even chose for about a week to live out of my car instead of at home. I was a wreck. Many doctors, therapists, and medicines couldn't help me and I just got worse. This continued from about August of 2010 through January 2011.
Then one day in January, 2011, I was in a small gas station/convenience store getting some milk for my children. Now remember I had not been in a church for years nor had I read my Bible in about the same time. When I was ready to checkout I began heading to the cashier when I heard a voice behind me say, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths." So I'm looking around trying to figure out who is talking to me, and to my surprise there is NO ONE there, I'm the only one in the store minus the cashier clerk. So I shrug it off as being crazy still and continued towards the counter when the voice came back but in a bit different manner, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart.... Bryan are you trusting me? and do not lean on your own understanding.... Bryan you thought you had it all down and didn't need anyone, especially Me, to help you, look at where you are now. In all your ways acknowledge Me! And I will make straight your paths.... Bryan if you turn back to Me I will forgive you and I will heal you!" Then He went silent.
Well after a moment of taking in what just happened, I realize that Jesus has just spoken to me, as a man talks with a man. Why Lord why do you love me so? I have been so horrible to You! I have abandoned You! Then He said again, Trust in Me! So I said, Lord, You are right. I am sorry for all my sins, I turn back to You Jesus so You may use me. Forgive me Lord.
BOOM! INSTANTLY, I felt as if the weight of the world was off my shoulders! I could swear multiple spirits came out of me! HALLELUJAH!!!! I screamed, Jesus is Lord! My Jesus healed me and set me free! No words of mine can ever express the joy and overwhelming feeling I get every time I speak of that day. I had nothing, I had lost even the most basic human feelings and emotions, but Jesus made a way! Thank you for listening to my story and I pray that the Lord of all glory would reveal Himself to you in like manner and may we all walk worthy of Him!
All glory, honor, and praise to Him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by His blood! Amen!
I grew up in a small town in Southeast Kansas and from my earliest days I can remember being in church. I attended for most of my life a very decent sized Independent Fundamental Baptist Church (Cessasionist as well). As I grew up I from time to time would have visions or hear a voice telling me things about God and my church would tell me it isn't God so reject the things and seek the truth as found in the Word. Well I grew up in that mentality until I was 18. I gave my life to Jesus in that church, thinking He was calling me into the mission field. When I graduated high school though, things changed and I joined the US Army.
I am still a Soldier in the US Army currently serving in my 11th year. I have been to 3 combat tours in Iraq in 2003, 2007, 2010. Immediately after basic training, I fell away hard. I stopped attending church all together, well I did go once every blue moon, but it was more like an annual attendance, not monthly or weekly. I stopped reading my Bible and I still prayed for the most part, but not for anything but God give me this or that. Well after my last tour in Iraq after returning home I would sit in bed at night and just beg God to end me because I had no hope anymore. I would tell myself and my wife that I had nothing to live for (even with 2 beautiful children) and would say things like "How many billions of people have ever lived and been remembered ever?" I didn't quite know that I had begun to slip into PTSD, depression, and severe anxiety.
My work suffered tremendously, my home life was non existant, I just had nothing. I eventually started to get suicidal ideations and intentions, going so far one time as to poke myself (not through the skin) many times with a knife to prepare myself for what would come. I was unfaithful with my wife, and even chose for about a week to live out of my car instead of at home. I was a wreck. Many doctors, therapists, and medicines couldn't help me and I just got worse. This continued from about August of 2010 through January 2011.
Then one day in January, 2011, I was in a small gas station/convenience store getting some milk for my children. Now remember I had not been in a church for years nor had I read my Bible in about the same time. When I was ready to checkout I began heading to the cashier when I heard a voice behind me say, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths." So I'm looking around trying to figure out who is talking to me, and to my surprise there is NO ONE there, I'm the only one in the store minus the cashier clerk. So I shrug it off as being crazy still and continued towards the counter when the voice came back but in a bit different manner, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart.... Bryan are you trusting me? and do not lean on your own understanding.... Bryan you thought you had it all down and didn't need anyone, especially Me, to help you, look at where you are now. In all your ways acknowledge Me! And I will make straight your paths.... Bryan if you turn back to Me I will forgive you and I will heal you!" Then He went silent.
Well after a moment of taking in what just happened, I realize that Jesus has just spoken to me, as a man talks with a man. Why Lord why do you love me so? I have been so horrible to You! I have abandoned You! Then He said again, Trust in Me! So I said, Lord, You are right. I am sorry for all my sins, I turn back to You Jesus so You may use me. Forgive me Lord.
BOOM! INSTANTLY, I felt as if the weight of the world was off my shoulders! I could swear multiple spirits came out of me! HALLELUJAH!!!! I screamed, Jesus is Lord! My Jesus healed me and set me free! No words of mine can ever express the joy and overwhelming feeling I get every time I speak of that day. I had nothing, I had lost even the most basic human feelings and emotions, but Jesus made a way! Thank you for listening to my story and I pray that the Lord of all glory would reveal Himself to you in like manner and may we all walk worthy of Him!
All glory, honor, and praise to Him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by His blood! Amen!
