People try and help

fly high said:

Do any of you find that if you ever tell anybody they feel they have to try and solve it all. I found it so hard but in the end I told my girl friend that I cut. She took it very well but now I find she asks me how I am way to much. When I do tell her i have cut she feels she has failed in that she couldn't stop me. I don't really know what to do because I love her but I don't want her to feel responsible. Any ideas ? Sorry to moan I no I'm so lucky to have somebody to share it all with.

Click to expand...

I know exactly how you feel; from both ends, actually. I would love to be able to tell someone what I'm going through, but I don't want them to try and "fix" me. I don't need them to solve the problem or stop me from cutting. I wish they could understand that they are not responsible if I don't stop. I just need someone to be there. A shoulder to cry on and words of wisdom to hold. I'm not broken, I just need guidance! God will help me heal. I will accept His help when I'm ready, and it's not anyone else's place to try make everything alright. To anyone who knows a family member or friend who is hurting themselves: please, please, don't take it on yourself to make them better, God alone can do that. They need you and your support, not your "solutions". They need love above anything else. Love.

I've also been on the other end of all this. My best friend used to seriously cut a few years back. It scared me, and like you said, I felt guilty when I couldn't stop her from hurting herself. Now I realize it wasn't my place to stop her; it meant the world to her just to know that I was there, and she's told me so. Sometimes all I did was listen, and it can make you feel so completely helpless. But remember, God is in control. He needs us to be His loving arms here on earth to wrap his children with compassion and tenderness. He will make everything alright, so we don't have to. That kind of pain isn't ours to hold. Love died on the cross so can hand our deepest sorrow (both for ourselves and others) to Him.

I hope that helped a little. God Bless.

fly high said:

Do any of you find that if you ever tell anybody they feel they have to try and solve it all. I found it so hard but in the end I told my girl friend that I cut. She took it very well but now I find she asks me how I am way to much. When I do tell her i have cut she feels she has failed in that she couldn't stop me. I don't really know what to do because I love her but I don't want her to feel responsible. Any ideas ? Sorry to moan I no I'm so lucky to have somebody to share it all with.

Click to expand...

Dear fly high, I have the same problem. There is nothing really you can do. Our friends and family ask us these things because they love us. I just emphasize that it isn't any fault of theirs, and that it is just something going on. I don't know if there is a reason you cut, but maybe if you do talk about it to your friend or somebody, it would not only help your friend realize that it isn't her fault but help you out as well. You can also tell her that you just feel uncomfortable when you ask her that and you just don't want to talk about it. The situation is just awkward and difficult, I know. Hope that has helped in some way. Lily00

I had the same problem. You should try and get her to come to CF...see that you have support. Maybe? I guess the best way to put it to her now that she knows is that you do it but it isn't to hurt anyone else. And it isn't her fault, it's just how you cope..
Hope that helps.
Oddbeani

fly high said:

Do any of you find that if you ever tell anybody they feel they have to try and solve it all. I found it so hard but in the end I told my girl friend that I cut. She took it very well but now I find she asks me how I am way to much. When I do tell her i have cut she feels she has failed in that she couldn't stop me. I don't really know what to do because I love her but I don't want her to feel responsible. Any ideas ? Sorry to moan I no I'm so lucky to have somebody to share it all with.

Click to expand...

The "rescuer" trap is easy to fall into with self-injury. If a person wants to help they need to take time to understand a bit more about self-injury.
I know that over the internet there is very little I can do. All I can do is offer love and support and encouragement. In real life I don't see what more I could offer either. Ultimately I think self-injury needs therapy in addition to love and encouragement from friends and family.
If someone thinks they can fix everything this creates a tension between themselves and the self-injurer which ultimately makes the problem worse. Sometimes even therapists get caught in this trap. It's counterproductive.

So she needs to try to learn a bit more about self-injury in order to realize that she hasn't failed in any way when you self-injure.
I recommend the book "Bodily Harm" from the ladies who started the SAFE program. That's a good place to start.

It's HARD to let somebody hurt themselves, by SI or by taking drugs, or with an eating disorder etc...

My fiancée has an eating disorder and used to SI (still struggles with it). Over the years, I've learned how to refuse to acknowledge any responsibility for her struggles. And it's not an easy thing -- I'd like nothing more than to be able to take care of it and make it all go away! I WANT to take care of her and take responsibility for her safety and happiness... but I can't let myself try. I've found that trusting God has by FAR been the biggest factor in being able to let go of something that I can't change. I do my best to show love and to reflect Christ, and let him do all the hard work.

We live in a culture where it's not 'okay' to be depressed, or even to be sad and cry. This makes it REALLY hard for people to learn how to give love and support without taking responsibility that they can never fulfill.

It's a tough issue. Just remember as you go through life and try to help others, how impossible it is for you to do anything BUT love them. For each person who "gets" it, even more will be affected in such a profound way!